My ex contacted me again and it's giving me major anxiety

[gekko]

Sorry in advance if this gets too lengthy, I tried to make it as brief as possible!

 

 

 

I'm a 22 year old woman and I recently ended my first relationship. For about 2-3 months it was wonderful despite some seemingly pushy or insensitive behaviours that I chalked down to him probably having Asperger's (which I've had a formal diagnosis of since I was 12, so I should be understanding, right?), but then it all went to absolute HELL. One night, about 2 months ago, we took the underground to his friend's birthday party and I would try to get affectionate with him but he would give me weird looks and act really cold with no explanation (he'd never had a problem with PDAs before). He continued to act that way throughout the party even though I had never done anything bad to him, and kept doing really nasty things like rolling his eyes at my jokes or completely ignoring me when I was sitting next to him.

 

The following evening I texted him after class asking him if he wanted to meet up, but he never answered. After two weeks of him not contacting me and me crying because I was afraid to call him out on it and get him mardy again, I sent him a message via Facebook chat saying we needed to talk and he agreed. We met up at uni and at first he acted like he was sorry about it and couldn't forgive himself for how badly he had treated me but then he began saying he had done it because I was too passive, distrusting and hard to reach and I never spoke up when something bothered me, so the only way to make me react was to ignore me for two weeks straight. At the time I believed him, explained that my trust issues stemmed mostly from the emotional/physical abuse I went through in high school, told him I was gonna keep working on my confidence for my own good and supposedly reconciled, but then when exams week was over I texted him asking him if he wanted to go to the cinema and not only did he not answer again but he didn't return my calls (even after I left him a voicemail saying I was upset and if he wanted the relationship to work out he had to stop treating me like that, especially since we had already addressed the problem).

 

I spent the following fortnight crying in bed holding a cuddly toy because I couldn't come to terms with the breakup, still sort of felt like it was my fault and thought I would never love someone again, but then I had a chat with my best friend about it and he said I had nothing to feel guilty about and he couldn't stand to see me naturalising aggression and mistreatment like that, and helped me realise my fear of never finding another guy was irrational, illogical and unscientific considering I am, in his own words, an intelligent, kind and beautiful girl (he's not the only person who's told me this) in an academic field full of weird geeky guys who are my type and would find me attractive. I felt way better after that and I've been recovering, focusing on my studies and moving on with my life for the past three weeks.

 

Then, six days ago, I got a Facebook message from my ex which basically went 'Hey [first name], I know this might sound a bit hypocritical on my part but I feel bad for what I did and I think we should meet up again and talk about it, not in order to apologise but because it would be the best for us both. I hope this message doesn't bother you and I'm eagerly awaiting your answer'. I've been wondering if he's legitimately sorry and mistreated me out of poor emotional intelligence (wouldn't change the fact that he hurt me badly, but it might mean he can own up to his mistakes and grow – I know what it's like to have nigh-unexistent social skills and trouble understanding your own emotions and it can be worked on) or if he's a sociopath/psychopath who's unable to feel remorse, got some joy out of bringing me down, spotted my weakness for awkward nerds and played the part to keep me lured in. Yesterday I replied to the message with 'I don't think I have time this week, maybe next one', but the truth is I'm terribly anxious about seeing him again. I never want to feel like I did last month and I don't want him to have any control over my life, yet at the same time I want to stay civil with him because we go to the same university and take the same bus so I'm guaranteed to run into him on a regular basis during my next semester and a good few more years. I want to clear things up with him, but I'm scared that if we do meet up he will try to manipulate me again and I'll take a hundred steps back from all the work I've done with myself to get over this. What's the best course of action here?

[dyna85]

Well gekko, you do seem extremely intelligent and kind based on your actions towards this person and your analysis towards his behavior. You've been very forgiving and tolerant thus far, despite the misery he's put you through. I do think it a bit odd that he contradicts himself in his message to you by first indicating he does feel bad, but later stating he wants to meet up, but not to apologize.

 

Interesting that he doesn't want to apologize for making you feel tortured these last few weeks. I know what it's like for someone be wickedly passive aggressive like this and play the ignore/silent treatment game. It's extremely manipulative and wreaks immense havoc on your emotions when implemented for weeks/months. It is abuse.

 

I think the fact that he ignored you for 3 weeks is unacceptable. The fact that he previously admitted to intentionally pulling this act on you to trigger a reaction from you is a serious red flag. He's emotionally destructive and I wouldn't go for a third round of this treatment. When someone's manipulating your emotions like that, it's time to get off the ride. You and your best friend know exactly what the deal is.

 

The fact that he did this to you after you told him how it made you feel the first time shows he's not changing. He'll continue to torture you emotionally for as long as you allow it.

 

You are in control. Use your power and inner strength to leave him in the dust before he can do further damage and cause you more heartache.

[Ieris]

Ahhh... you shouldn't have even replied to him but as you already have, simply leave him hanging. Let him have a taste of his own medicine. He is not meeting up for your sake, he wants to meet up to ease his own guilt. I say, don't give him the satisfaction, let the guilt eat him up inside and this way he will learn not to do it do another person in the future.

 

I know you see him around campus, simply look past him and treat him like he doesn't exist. If you act like everything is OK, he will think there is nothing wrong with his behavior and he will not change then end up hurting other people.

 

He has dragged you down before, don't let him drag you down again. If you're feeling terribly anxious, then perhaps it is a bad idea to meet up with him.

 

Don't waste your time on him, go find yourself a new weird geeky guy! x

[newlyborn]

please block him. leave his arse hanging. do not meet up with him.

[gekko]

Thanks to all of you for your input. Looking back I probably shouldn't even have replied, but if he does answer back, I won't contact him again – I wanted to keep things as tension-free as possible for my own sake but I reckon he should be the one hiding in shame if we run into each other, and as some of you've pointed out he probably doesn't feel sorry. Although I doubt he's got the humility to even learn from my indifference, it will keep me from getting hurt again.

 

I would have blocked him already but I'm scared that he'd take it as an act of aggression and hold it against me if I bumped into him in person; even if I know he'd be in the wrong, I wouldn't wanna have to deal with another guilt trip. I really just wish I could avoid any and all contact with him and leave this all behind.

Edited January 13, 2015 by gekko