5 yrs separated....it's time...i know....but why does it hurt so bad??

[BrighterDays21]

My husband and I have been together for 14yrs and married only 6. We've been in and out of separation for the past five. We have 2 children together. Our relationship has gotten progressively worse this past yr and I know the best thing is to part completely. I just Love him and he's all I know. My mind says "I'm DONE" but my heart still aches. He can be such a horrible person to me. I think my heart hangs on to the way things "use" to be. How do I let go? How do I move on with the least amount of tears and pain? I know this isn't good for me.

[Ralph79]

If you feel you've done everything you can. Counseling, Separation, etc. (And from the looks of it, I will assume you have), then think of your relationship this way:

 

A good friend once told me, a Toxic relationship is like Gangrene. Doctors are going to tell you that your limb needs to be amputated. It's your limb... everyone hopes it can be saved. But those who take to long to do what inevitably must be done risk infecting other parts of your body or die.

 

You love him. I have no idea if he loves you. Maybe a wakeup call on both ends might fix this, but it's been 5 years living apart. If you haven't been able to figure it out by now, you are both missing out on a better life than this.

[BrighterDays21]

Yes I know. You're right. He loves me be he doesn't know what it means to show it. He is a Man of many excuses and his actions are always justified. He's always saying he wants his family and that he loves me but his actions are another story. In the 14 yrs we've been together I've gone and finished school twice. He has yet to do anything. He owned a business yrs ago but lost it. He always has a plan or a bright idea but never executes. I'm tired of carrying the weight of it all. I want(ed) him to be more of a Man that cares for his family and be more ambitious. But u can push someone all you want but it's pointless if they aren't willing to move their feet. During our times of separation (Although a lot of his time was spent at my home) he would engage in affairs but when I find out he's soooooo sorry and that "we aren't together anyway" so that should make it OK. Not seeing that he spends nights with me and the kids and "sleeps" with me most nights. When I say to him that he needs to find himself, figure out what he wants, and let me live my life, he won't. If I go out with friends or Maybe on a date, I get treated like trash. He is verbally anusive and avoids contributions to helping me with the kids. As long as he feels he has or can have me, he's there but if not he's the meanest EVER. This is stupid. I know this. It's sad that I know what needs to be done but because I Love him it hurts. We've never let each other go completely. I need help terribly bad. I want to let go. I know I deserve better. He's all I've ever known. I don't know how to be in a relationship with anyone else. I'm 32yrs old with 14 of them dealing with him. I need mental strength and support to rid myself of this gangrenous "limb".

 

Thank you Ralph79.... I need more reality checks

[still_an_Angel]

 

 

How do I let go? How do I move on with the least amount of tears and pain? I know this isn't good for me.

 

You will know when you've had enough, you will know when you're done. You just need to get into that frame of mind and be strong that when you walk, you don't look back. Be ready for the worst, yet you will not stop walking, you will not be swayed to look over your shoulder and re-think "what might have been had I stayed". You have to drink the most bitter medicine before you can start to heal.

 

 

My stbxh and myself were in the middle of a reconciliation of sorts when I decided no more, I can't take any more, I have to go or I will end up in the mental ward (seriously). My kids are my life and I wanted to stay for them but what good will I be if I've lost my mind? I have to save myself before I can do anything for my kids. I found my core of strength and told H to leave, after the drama, I picked up the pieces (yet again) but kept my core real close, I never cried over the 2nd separation. I looked ahead and kept on walking. I never expected an apology from him but last year, he finally did after 4 years and that's when I let go of my core and cried for days.

 

 

You will get through this, life is a wheel, it will roll around and you will be happy again, find that happiness in yourself, not in anybody. You'll be okay, I really wish you the best

 

 

((hugs))

[BrighterDays21]

Still_an_angel..... wow.... Thank you. These are things I so desperately need to hear. I must keep walking. I fall back into it all the time. My mom says the Same thing..."When you get tired you'll know". Oh how I hope this comes sooner than later. I say one thing though deep down I want another. Your optimism is therapy for people like me. I can't believe you got married again. I don't know if I could. I'm afraid to lose again and be hurt like I am now. My biggest fall back is wanting both parents for my children....under one roof. I think that's a big reason I've hung on for so long. How did your children do after your divorce and when you remarried? I'm so afraid of my kids resenting me.

[still_an_Angel]

My son was the hardest hit with our separations, he's been in therapy on and off since 2011, I do my best to support him to get him through because in the beginning, he blamed me for his dad leaving us. Over the years though, he began to understand our relationship better and why it didn't work. I think its natural for kids to resent the parent who stayed, because they long for the parent who left. But it has turned out better for all of us in the end, the kids are happier and at peace now, because the parents are getting along better.

 

 

And sorry if I gave the impression that I married again, actually, I'm not, I've been with a MM for a number of years now, I'm working on this so I'm far from being in an ideal relationship. Much as I would like more of 'us', I'm not ready for a full-on relationship, I keep my family separate. I don't know how this will end, probably not well, but I feel more alive with him and in control (finally) of the direction of my life. Whether MM stays with me in the coming years remains to be seen. For now, I see us as companions with still separate lives.

 

 

My point is, I am with him because I want to, because it makes me happy to have him in my life. We do not share finances, decisions, directions, children, assets or anything that legally binds us, we stay together because we find happiness in each other.

 

 

We all have our own journeys, its really up to us what we choose to live with or have the courage to live the one we really want. Its not too late for you to hop on the path that you believe is the one that will bring you happiness, or contentment. Hope you find the courage one day.

((hugs))