scatterd Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 My husband asked for divorce a few months ago. It has been a night mare. He either mocks what I say or he will come up with different excuses to why he wanted this. Last night he said I did not talk to him and if I had he would not of wanted to leave me and before that I told him had we communicated this never would be happening. He was gone all the time late from work straight to bed and gone on weekends due to building on property. I was lonely and only wanted time with him. I no longer know who he is its like living with a stranger with mental issues. I still do not know why he wants this. I started packing some of my belongings the other night so he did it the next night. I was crying while I did it and he asked why in the hell I was acting like that I said because I am a normal person with normal feelings and it hurts and you not crying has been odd to me. I am waiting to serve papers because I need some surgerys before I leave but I know I need to hurry because for some reason he has been trying to get me to hold off till summer. He has been so odd and rude. He has said we cant afford a divorce now and now I'm packing he says we have to stage the house. why is he trying to wait whats up his sleeve and why is he so cold and mean. I am having a hard time waiting to leave its been hostile. Also I do not understand why he has not filed beings he is the one that asked for it.I have lost about 16 pounds and my chronic pain has increased. He has no empathy and makes no since. Do you think its midlife crisis or what and how do I keep the peace until I leave. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Don't bother keeping the peace. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dontfindme Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 How absolutely cruel. Don't accomodate him- you need to get out of there asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. And I am so glad you are leaving your painful and hopeless marriage-- no matter how it happens. Your husband either has psychological issues you can't fix, or he's simply a manipulative person. Either way, please know that you've been caught up in something that would've happened to anyone who was married to him. My initial thought reading your above post is that it is overwhelmingly about hour husband-- and I have been there (still am, to an extent). What is up his sleeve, what is he trying to do, why is he doing what he's doing, what does he want me to do. And also: How he has been, what he is like. The only things about your are how sad you are, and how much you wanted to be with him. I would like to know more about who you are and what you want from your future. Unless you have children that your husband can use as pawns in the divorce or mistreat, there is not much he can strategically do to you during the divorce if you don't "let" him. Easier said than done, huh. I am learning that not "letting" someone hurt you means working on detaching from the person and the relationship. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to understand your husband. Only that you should know why you are trying to understand him. This is about keeping safe and avoiding falling into this pitfall in the future. You don't have to engage in a "divorce game" where you defensively try to anticipate his every move. Yes, he might gain some "advantage" such as avoiding paying you some money he would otherwise have to pay (or he might not). He might just put up roadblocks to make it difficult for you to get what's fair. If he is truly a painful and manipulative person, then I'd try not to be too worried about getting what is "fair." You still can, but if you're too worried about it, then that's where the pain and stress comes in. I know you have a lot of pain and confusion to work through. But keep your goal in sight: to get out of there and cut your losses and get your future started. I don't see how he can really thwart that, if you don't let him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Ya gotta stop putting yourself in a position to be mentally tortured. Stop talking to him. Stop asking, looking, or wondering about reasons. Even if there was a reasonable explanation, it wouldn't help, and would provoke more questions and prolong the agony. Get to attorney, before he does. There is a slight strategic upper hand is doing this. You get to demand for documents first, ask questions first, argue your point first. His side will always be on the "defense" as "Defendant." Organize your surgeries, per your doctor's orders. Think only of your needs at this time. I know it is hard. Even year's after, it can be hard to accept. You are much better off accepting it now. Please believe this. I've been through. His mind is obviously not on you. I'm sorry. Yas 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I agree with the others....focus just on your needs right now. Surgery, car, finances, all the things you will be glad you have in order when the separation and divorce come. Seeking reasons is pointless. Use 180. Whatever happens, it will be better for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 It's hard to express how fruitless it becomes to endlessly try to figure out "why" people act the way that they do, particularly at the end of a relationship. I was caught up in it, too. I suppose it happens to most everyone. But again, it ends up being such a waste of time and frankly, energy that needs to spent elsewhere. The reality is that you'll probably never understand his motivations. I think a big reason for this (as Yas alluded to) is that there isn't necessarily a logical reason or thought process behind it. Even if he gave you an explanation it probably wouldn't make sense and would just lead to more questions. Hell, that's already happening for you. People make up all kinds of crazy rationalizations for their piss poor behavior and they don't stand up to any kind of scrutiny. And that's because they compartmentalize away anything that is an unpleasant thought or that would interfere with their selfish actions. Closure for you will end up coming from within. So what do you do? You detach and you start looking forward at what your next life will be: where you will live, where you will work, how you'll interact with your kids, and what your new social life will entail (since the marriage is no longer the end-all, be-all, of everything). You're certainly likely to keep analyzing the past and I am sure there are lessons to learn. But bear in mind that it's more difficult and dangerous to drive forward if you always have your eyes in the rear view mirror. You have a lot of support here. Find some more in real life. And then focus on what actions you can take. As for the divorce, I say he can have it if that's what he wants but if that's the way it's going to go, there's no need to do it on his timeline. If he fails to press forward, do it on whatever timeline works for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Get out of there. And if he starts behaving like a kid getting a tantrum again, insult back. How old is your STBX, 5? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scatterd Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Thanks for all the kind reply's. I know I need to move on he has not given me much choice. I am scared because I am disabled as far as I cant work and my time limit is almost over for getting full disability. I cant believe he is doing this I loved him so much and tried to be good to him which he says he does not feel like I love him or been good to him. He will be 46 soon and I just turned 53 but I look the same age as him. I have my eldest child here with her daughter and also my grandson from other daughter. It has been so hard for us all he has shown no empathy to any one here. I never dreamed I would be starting over at my age and trusted him with every part of my being.He just turned on me. I cant wait until I have a place and feel secure. I thank all of you so much for the support. I need it the tears are on everyday. Big Hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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