Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[MidwestUSA]

No -- we aren't together -- I'm working to keep my mind in the right place. And yes -- I see that this advice needs to be followed to a "t"... I am praying for the strength.

 

 

Side note -- my ex bf also told me that he is in the process of running a very in depth FBI quality background check on my ex husband -- that dates all the way to his childhood -- and he insinuated that he was bugging his computer....by stating that he KNEW that my ex husband was doing a lot of porn.....

 

 

Private investigator -- FBI background check etc... this just sounds so intense and it leaves me uneasy about all of this...

 

I wish I had friends that could support me on this... but they all loved him.

 

 

 

I'll ask one more time, then I'm out as well.

 

 

Where is the restraining order?

[pteromom]

Side note -- my ex bf also told me that he is in the process of running a very in depth FBI quality background check on my ex husband -- that dates all the way to his childhood -- and he insinuated that he was bugging his computer....by stating that he KNEW that my ex husband was doing a lot of porn.....

 

...and this sounds like a man you just can't wait to get back to? I don't understand you. You are ignoring all logic and reason and feeling pulled back to him due to FEELINGS you have when things are great, when every single thing about this guy points to someone who is unstable, paranoid, controlling, and manipulative.

 

Someone who runs an FBI check on someone else is mentally unstable. Period.

 

GPS trackers, monitoring your phone, stepping between you and your son, watching men to make sure you aren't looking at them - none of this stuff is normal. And none of it is the slightest bit attractive.

 

And just because you made some mistakes in the relationship does not justify his insane behavior. You have to think about the reason you lied. The reason you lied is because you couldn't trust his reaction to the truth. You can't be blamed for that.

 

Here's what you need to do:

 

1. Get your own place (with 2 bedrooms so your son has a room)

 

2. Spend energy and money decorating the place in a way where it is your retreat and your place. Buy things you love. Buy furniture you love. Make it wholly YOURS, so that when you walk in there at the end of the day, you feel home.

 

3. Force yourself to rebuild your relationship with your son. Even if you aren't feeling it right now. Just fake it until you make it.

 

4. Spend time with friends. If you don't have any, it's time to make some. Join a workout group. A book club. A church group. Something where you belong to something and can make friends.

 

5. Find another therapist. One who has experience with abused women. Print this whole thread and send it to her before your first appointment.

 

6. Go true no contact with your ex-bf. Right now, this is a game for him. Try different tactics until you fall for one. Then, he has won the game. Don't even play his game. BLOCK HIM. Let it hurt. It's ok. With time and therapy, it will stop hurting, and you'll get to a place eventually where you will look back and wonder what you were thinking being with him.

 

7. Only talk to your ex-h about your son. It's not his business what else you are doing.

[pteromom]

Oh and

 

8. Keep your current job. Instability and change aren't good for you right now. You need to stabilize yourself where you are.

[MJJean]

I think I misused the word. What he said was that there is a way to send an email to someone and when they click on it... It allows the person to view what's being done on the computer. And it can be monitored until another email with a certain word or picture...is clicked on yet again.

 

That is what I believe he may have done to my ex husband's computer. But he didn't openly state that. But, it is the impression he's giving me by telling me he KNOWS that he is doing a lot of porn...

 

So, basically he's saying he sent a virus to your husband via email. Umm, no. I can almost certainly guarantee you he didn't. He's saying that BECAUSE HE IS A CERTIFIABLE NUT JOB. He is lying to you and telling you he knows your ex is looking at porn because A) it's a pretty good bet since most guys do look at porn and B) he wants to suck you toward him and away from your ex. And you're falling for it despite being told by people who have a lick of common sense that it's bullsh*t.

 

An single adult male is free to look at all the porn he wants and have all the actual sex he wants with any willing adult woman he wants in his own home. There isn't anything wrong with it! Happens all day, every day, and no one bats an eye. Why the hell is WhackJob even bothering? It's not his business. NOTHING about your ex's personal life and interests is his business. Nor yours, really, unless it endangers your son. Which it doesn't.

 

The bottom line here is that you either want to get your shi*t straight and grow up to be a fully functional adult woman or you don't.

 

If you're going to continue on in this way, having contact with WhackJob and refusing to simply block any and all avenues of communication as well as getting a restraining order, then for the love of all that is good and holy sign away your parental rights, disappear into WhackJob fantasy land, hope you don't end up a statistic, and stay as far away from your poor child as you can get.

 

It's a truly sad state of affairs when the guy who forgets to make doctors appointments, can't handle dealing in an adult manner with the school, or landlords, or the courts, or family members, can't/won't keep a steady job, blows money like we're about to stop printing it, and literally rearranges rocks instead of doing what needs to be done on the inside of the house is the more responsible and stable parent.

 

I mean, seriously, you aren't even the lesser of two evils.

[MJJean]

 

GPS trackers, monitoring your phone, stepping between you and your son, watching men to make sure you aren't looking at them - none of this stuff is normal.

 

Not only is it abnormal in the extreme, this is the kind of behavior one hears about when discussing some whackjobs murder trial.

[me2me2]

I agree -- I see your point. I also talked with a therapist this morning --

and he suggested (since I offered up that I think I'm a love addict) ..that I attend a 12 step meeting -- and there is one available tomorrow.

I'm going to go and I hope that will give me someone to lean on -- as I really need someone to fall to -- when I begin to get weak.

He said addiction is that feeling of being powerless - and that's how I feel...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OK... so what does it do for the world if we quit using the term pedophile for married men who pursue 15 year old girls, and instead just call them a**holes?

 

Wrong is wrong, no matter what label you put on it.

 

It's still illegal for a grown man to have sex with a 15 year old girl.

It's still inappropriate for a dad to pursue his daughter's friend.

 

Call it whatever you want.

 

 

 

It is legal in most U.S. states for a grown man of any age to have a sexual relationship with a consenting sixteen year old girl (provided he is not her supervisor, or in any position of authority over her)... SO, it is extremely inappropriate to brandish the word "pedophile" in reference to some guy who is perving on a girl who is 15 years and 51 weeks old, while at the same time their sexual union would be perfectly legal ten days later.

 

If you waste the fully inappropriate word on something like that, then how are you going to raise enough alarm in the future when an actual pedophile turns up ???

[me2me2]

I would like to ask a very honest -- brutal question.

 

 

I had a very rough tongued gay friend tell me that it was his opinion I shouldn't see my son whatsoever (even alone)...until I get my "shi* together..."

 

 

I am not certain why he feels so strongly about this - since I am not a drunk//druggie -- and I am holding down a full time job...etc.

 

 

Does my story warrant such an extreme reaction? Because his suggestion -- was hard to swallow. But, I DO want to know -- if that sounds accurate.

 

 

There is nothing to let sink in. This shouldn't even be a question. You know your ex-bf is mentally unstable and unfit to be around women and children. You don't need a lawyer to tell you that.

 

 

 

You do realize that this whole section is totally insane, right? Literally insane. No hyperbole, no exaggeration, it's insane.

 

First, what he is claiming he is having done is highly illegal. As in, felony charges illegal. It's not some intense "love" thing. It's his insane ramblings about fantasy commission of a felony designed to suck you in and that's all it is. Insane fantasy ramblings by a mentally unstable person. The FBI couldn't care less about your ex-BF or your ex-husband. Even iff he knows an employee at the FBI said person isn't going to risk losing their job and then being charged with a federal crime to help out some quackpot. You can't "bug" a computer.

 

And who gives a flying fig if your ex-husband is "doing porn"? I understand that our faith prohibits porn use, but so what? It's not illegal. It's not even uncommon. The courts won't care unless he is endangering your son, which he isn't. The fact is your ex could be using hookers and as long as he does it while the kid is not present no one cares.

 

And even if the court did care they wouldn't take the boy from his father and give him to you after you abandoned him for a documented psycho. At best, he'd end up at a relatives house and at worst he'd end up in foster care.

 

We talked a lot on the other forum about your mother, who I think is a real piece of work. We didn't, to my recollection, talk about your father. It seems you are resisting adulthood and personal responsibility. You keep getting into these poisonous relationships with men who are 1) freaking crazy...mentally damaged..screwed up! and 2) who you let control you and your entire life as if they were your parent and you a child. You let these men ruin you and seem to blame them or circumstances without taking any responsibility of your own for the choices you make.

 

What you don't seem to realize is that when you choose these men and then allow them have total control of you and your life you are, in all reality, responsible for the outcome. I get some women prefer to have their man run things. But at least choose a responsible, mature, sane, man for that job!

[autumnnight]

It is legal in most U.S. states for a grown man of any age to have a sexual relationship with a consenting sixteen year old girl (provided he is not her supervisor, or in any position of authority over her)... SO, it is extremely inappropriate to brandish the word "pedophile" in reference to some guy who is perving on a girl who is 15 years and 51 weeks old, while at the same time their sexual union would be perfectly legal ten days later.

 

 

 

If you waste the fully inappropriate word on something like that, then how are you going to raise enough alarm in the future when an actual pedophile turns up ???

 

I find it disturbing that someone is using so much energy to try to justify messing with an underage girl.

[autumnnight]

I would like to ask a very honest -- brutal question.

 

 

I had a very rough tongued gay friend tell me that it was his opinion I shouldn't see my son whatsoever (even alone)...until I get my "shi* together..."

 

 

I am not certain why he feels so strongly about this - since I am not a drunk//druggie -- and I am holding down a full time job...etc.

 

 

Does my story warrant such an extreme reaction? Because his suggestion -- was hard to swallow. But, I DO want to know -- if that sounds accurate.

 

This answer if not going to be PC but....

 

I'd ignore what he said. I have several gay men who are friends and relatives but not parents. They all (of my friends/family) seem to have this tendency to share their opinions in a loud and tactless way, thinking if they call you girlfriend and snap in Z formation it makes it okay.

 

Your his mom. Be his mom.

[Lion Heart]

THIS MAN HAS ISSUES!!!!!!

 

FREAKING MASSIVE RED FLAGS! !!!!

 

You are being as honest as you can here on LS and can now LIST his weird behaviours. You are right! Drs can have issues too, just like priests, school teachers and parents. Their positions do not make them NOT be pedophiles.

 

I bet if you had a DAUGHTER, he'd fight for you to have FT custody. That's scary.

 

YOU ARE YOUR SONS ONLY MOTHER. F*** EVERYONE ELSE! Be there for your son whatever it takes.

On this ONE POINT ALONE I'd leave in a heartbeat.

 

But he's a control freak.

He's controlling conversations with your friends. Keep your friends in the loop. Get them on board to help you MOVE OUT!!! CLOSER TO YOUR SON IF YOU WANT!!!

 

NC

NC

 

NO CONTACT!

 

Do you ever want to end up in court trying to defend the fact that you "didn't see any signs of pedophilia"? Because you have and he's grooming girls.

 

TBH? Yeah I'd report him to the police when I left him. The police can investigate, interview his ex, interview the daughter & her friends. You can't but you know.

In this country we can report matters like these anonymously FOR CHILD PROTECTION!!

 

You've met a maniac IMO and I'd cut and run!!!!

 

You can do it.

You have to just for your precious self.

 

Lion Heart.

[Timshel]

Why are you asking whether or not you are fit to spend time with your child? You don't know the answer to that question?

 

If your do not want to see your son, don't blame it on your gay friend.

There isn't any way to infinity and beyond that I would ponder if I was ok to spend time with my children because a friend mentioned it. That would never happen.

 

I'm sorry not sorry, why is this up for debate? Your gay friend said you shouldn't?

 

If you do not want to be a mother/parent to your son, say so. I can't believe and tbh I don't believe that you are telling the truth about anything.

 

If this is what you are bringing to the table, "My gay friend said I shouldn't be a parent." He or she is right, if they exist. You should take a step away.

 

My only zen in this is I F..... love gay people rock on.

[GorillaTheater]

It is legal in most U.S. states for a grown man of any age to have a sexual relationship with a consenting sixteen year old girl (provided he is not her supervisor, or in any position of authority over her)... SO, it is extremely inappropriate to brandish the word "pedophile" in reference to some guy who is perving on a girl who is 15 years and 51 weeks old, while at the same time their sexual union would be perfectly legal ten days later.

 

If you waste the fully inappropriate word on something like that, then how are you going to raise enough alarm in the future when an actual pedophile turns up ???

 

If a grown man has sex with my 15 or 16 year old daughter, the legal system is going to be the least of his concerns.

[me2me2]

Well, I think I have here yet another reason why my thread (and my life) sounds psychotic.

My (ex) BF just messaged me that he had a FBI style background check done on my ex husband and that he found that my EX had filed bankruptcy 3 times and that we were not legally divorced.

ALL of that is completely wrong. I haven't responded to him yet -- but what in the world?!?

I know this sounds like more of a reality show -- but I'm struggling ... I just can't understand it all... he really is psychotic...isn't he?

[MidwestUSA]

I would like to ask a very honest -- brutal question.

 

 

I had a very rough tongued gay friend tell me that it was his opinion I shouldn't see my son whatsoever (even alone)...until I get my "shi* together..."

 

 

I am not certain why he feels so strongly about this - since I am not a drunk//druggie -- and I am holding down a full time job...etc.

 

 

Does my story warrant such an extreme reaction? Because his suggestion -- was hard to swallow. But, I DO want to know -- if that sounds accurate.

 

 

 

In all brutal honesty, I told you the same thing, weeks ago. BEFORE the lastest developments. I'm neither gay nor loud mouthed, just a medical professional who recognizes a very unhealthy situation.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I think I have here yet another reason why my thread (and my life) sounds psychotic.

My (ex) BF just messaged me that he had a FBI style background check done on my ex husband and that he found that my EX had filed bankruptcy 3 times and that we were not legally divorced.

ALL of that is completely wrong. I haven't responded to him yet -- but what in the world?!?

I know this sounds like more of a reality show -- but I'm struggling ... I just can't understand it all... he really is psychotic...isn't he?

 

Why have you not blocked him yet? How is he able to still contact you? BLOCK HIM on all social media, your cell, email too.

 

DO NOT respond back. Ignore him.

 

As for your friend (don't have to refer to him as your gay friend all the time, does he refer to you as his 'straight' friend?), he is in no position to tell you to leave your son and not see him. Your son IS what is what is important. He will keep you grounded.

[stillafool]

I agree he should have no way to reach you by now. Why haven't you blocked him?

[me2me2]

Please don't rake me over the coals for this -- as I have come here for support.

 

 

But, I had blocked him -- and had my attorney send a cease and decist -- and he showed up with an engagement ring.

 

 

We already had a ski trip planned for next week -- to which I was NOT going...

 

 

But when he showed up crying -- begging -- with an engagement ring -- I broke down crying. NO we are not engaged and NO we are not back together -- but I have been having an awful time trying to keep it together.

 

 

Obviously he's a mess -- and I know this -- but like anyone -- he has a lot of good too and I struggle to feel the necessary bitterness or hatred for him -- when he shows me his heart.

 

 

SO -- yes -- I am staying strong -- but I am having an AWFUL time remaining this way... he still expects me to board that plane on Monday and stop working -- and come live with him 3 hours from my son. He says he would "work with me" and help me see my son as much as possible...

[Jessie1231]

Reading through all of this, I'm doubting whether all or any of it is true. That being said, if this somehow is true then I would have to agree completely with your "gay friend" (why you even have to mention all these "friends" are gay makes me think they don't actually exist. Anyway, from a thread you started about your ex husband, you claimed that he at some point hurt your child as a way of hurting you. Knowing this, you chose to abandon the child with the father who hurt him in order to live with a man you barely knew. So yes, I would say you don't have your priorities in any sort of reasonable order.

[me2me2]

The reason I refer to my friend as gay -- is because I'm living with him right now and I don't want anyone to believe here that I am living with yet another man -- this friend of mine is harmless.

 

 

As for my ex husband - he hurt my son by telling him horrible things about me and brainwashing him about me and my ex BF. But, now that things have passed -- and the divorce has sunk in -- my ex husband has been much more mature. IMO I think he's more mature that my ex BF.,...who would text him to provoke him by saying "she's not your fuc*ing wife -- stop contacting her..." My ex husband never responded. He was upset but he never lashed out.

 

 

And when my ex BF shut off my access to money and I had no place to stay AND my ex BF was having me followed -- my ex husband allowed me to stay at his house and continued to check to make sure I was safe. Unfortunately, that made my ex BF think we still had something going on -- but there was nothing I could do about that. I just appreciated my ex husband's kindness...TBH.

 

 

Reading through all of this, I'm doubting whether all or any of it is true. That being said, if this somehow is true then I would have to agree completely with your "gay friend" (why you even have to mention all these "friends" are gay makes me think they don't actually exist. Anyway, from a thread you started about your ex husband, you claimed that he at some point hurt your child as a way of hurting you. Knowing this, you chose to abandon the child with the father who hurt him in order to live with a man you barely knew. So yes, I would say you don't have your priorities in any sort of reasonable order.

[Timshel]

Reading through all of this, I'm doubting whether all or any of it is true. That being said, if this somehow is true then I would have to agree completely with your "gay friend" (why you even have to mention all these "friends" are gay makes me think they don't actually exist. Anyway, from a thread you started about your ex husband, you claimed that he at some point hurt your child as a way of hurting you. Knowing this, you chose to abandon the child with the father who hurt him in order to live with a man you barely knew. So yes, I would say you don't have your priorities in any sort of reasonable order.

 

None of this is true. It is beyond any reasonable comprehension. If there is even a nano of this that is true, there is no reason to engage.

 

This person is mentally in a place that defies logic or anything practical.

 

She is lying about everything and does not engage in productive conversation. Instead is prolific with fantasy.

 

I don't know that she has a child or any of the people she has built her story around are real.

 

Of course everyone will have their own opinion. I think everything she/he has said is complete and utter bull****. Fake thread. Even if it is not, long shot, can you feel the chain yank?

[me2me2]

10000000 percent true.

 

Why can't it be true? This is my life and I do need this support.

[Lion Heart]

Alot of people are giving you very sage advice.

 

If all you say is true that's fine. We can all see you need alot of physical & emotional support right now. LS needs NOT to be your major support source.

 

There's no way you've done NC if you can still be reached by him in ANY WAY.

 

As I said previously IF ANYONE TRIED TO PREVENT ME FROM SEEING MY CHILDREN, EVER, THATS ENOUGH REASON TO CEASE CONTACT. I'm not you, sure, but you know on this ONE FACTOR this man has no regard for you. I wouldn't care how much money he had, no diamond ring would suck me in, nothing would.

 

PLUS the paedophilic tendencies (and he's known at least this girl for YEARS)!

 

PLUS the control freak behaviours!

 

PLUS the lies he's told you even in text now!

 

PLUS GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

 

You've been sucked in by a liar and manipulator.

You have to end it. You're crazy yourself if you stay.

 

LH

[Trimmer]

Please don't rake me over the coals for this -- as I have come here for support.

 

 

But, I had blocked him -- and had my attorney send a cease and decist -- and he showed up with an engagement ring.

 

 

We already had a ski trip planned for next week -- to which I was NOT going...

 

 

But when he showed up crying -- begging -- with an engagement ring -- I broke down crying. NO we are not engaged and NO we are not back together -- but I have been having an awful time trying to keep it together.

 

 

Obviously he's a mess -- and I know this -- but like anyone -- he has a lot of good too and I struggle to feel the necessary bitterness or hatred for him -- when he shows me his heart.

 

 

SO -- yes -- I am staying strong -- but I am having an AWFUL time remaining this way... he still expects me to board that plane on Monday and stop working -- and come live with him 3 hours from my son. He says he would "work with me" and help me see my son as much as possible...

 

1) Going on the ski trip with him;

2) Stopping work;

3) Moving away from your son;

 

None of these things will help stabilize your life. Quite the opposite: each of these things will diminish your independence and your ability to heal, each of these things will help him to convince you to come back to him, each of these things will lead to more dependence upon him, and his control over you.

 

The one thing that helped anchor me in the difficult times around my own marriage breakup was my commitment to continue to be a stable, present, cooperative and supportive parent to my children. No matter what else happened, no matter how bad it got, this was my anchor - I never questioned my commitment to them, and this anchor steadied me and helped guide me through the storm.

 

I had hoped that you would have a similar commitment to your son - it seems so obvious to the rest of us here - but I am coming to believe that this may not be enough of an anchor to keep you from doing something stupid, for whatever reason you convince yourself.

 

Your ex-BF is a manipulator. If you would open your eyes you would see that. He knows how to push your buttons, and he is continuing to do it now, and in addition, he is pressuring you in order to destabilize you into making a rash, emotional decision, because he knows that if you do that, it's more likely to bring you back into his arms, and under his control, which is what he needs.

 

You don't want to be raked over the coals.... You want "support"... What support can we give? You have heard, UNANIMOUSLY, that this guy is a problem, you have heard that you should block him completely (and sorry, but a half-assed "He showed up at my door with an engagement ring, and we cried together...." is NOT blocking him.) You have heard that you should focus on getting your life stable: your job, your living situation, your relationship with your son, and that you need some intensive therapy to work on yourself so that you build yourself and heal your wounds so you don't keep falling prey to manipulators.

 

The advice doesn't change because your latest manipulator has cycled over to being nice again to try to lure you back, and upped the ante with an engagement ring. The advice is the same.

 

What else can we possibly do to support you? The advice is still the same.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Trimmer

[eye of the storm]

Me2Me2, When I was in the absolute pit of my depression...I didn't want to go on. For me, I wanted to just lay down and die. I thought about it, I craved it. But I have kids. And for them I had to get better. They became my reason to get better, they became my "anchor" to this life. I didn't lean on them because I was still able to think that it was unfair for them to be responsible for pulling me out of hell in my mind. But getting back on my feet and back to the parent they needed to be became my goal. Then one day I realized I was on my feet, then soon I realized I was becoming more at peace, eventually I realized I was happy.

 

Trimmer's post is really good. Let your son be your anchor to what you need to be. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Once you realize you are capable of standing on your own. And happy. You will never need to rely on another man. You might one day make one a partner, a companion, but you will be able to stand on your own and make good healthy decisions for yourself and your son.

 

As to your roommate telling you to stay away from your son....he may have just been reacting to you allowing the exBF back into your brain. He possibly feels the exBF is a DANGER to your son (I know I do and many other posters seem to feel the same) and he may be thinking that if you go back to the exBF it is best to cut ties with your son, for your son's protection.