So my wife is a unsafe swinger!

[RS91360]

Recently My marriage of 12 years fell apart and fell apart fast. Would be lying if did not see it coming. But when I caught my wife cheating I figured that it was the best to go all in for the sake of my two boys and I really did still care about her. The reality that I was just an ass for a long time started to set in. Sad that it took this to get my attention, but I am where I am at regardless. Needless to say, the affair was a huge wake up call for me. And to be fair to myself, the detioriation of the marriage was a two party effort.

 

 

The shock of the affair sent me into a emotional state of crazy. I spent weeks trying to figure it out, when it started and in my case how many men(or woman). At every turn I was shocked at what I had uncovered about this innocent girl next door I thought I married. I always had implicit trust in her and never had a reason to look til then. What makes it harder to accept is the timeline her behavior changed. In a 4 month period she went from good house wife to wild sex maniac. funny how the new boob job seemed to be the trigger. (my friends warned me)

 

 

As the story unfolded and the lies were flying out of control in a effort to cover up her behavior, I just started to realize I would never be able to trust her again. I think I could have overcome the sex, the affair and even the new lifestyle. The lies and deceit, another story. Then as I tried to forgive and forget, her feelings of embarrassment and also contempt for me took its toll on reconciliation. We are now getting a divorce.

 

 

We still oddly get along and live in the same house. I still wonder how she made the shift from one set of values to where she is at today. Ill probably never know. But I care for her and I still support her to get on her own feet since she was a stay at home mom for so long. She is the mother of my boys, and I owe her that. I really want to be her friend and raise our boys the best we can. It is a shame that it got this far, but I Just cant go back, knowing what I know now.

 

 

So the Dilema. Her new boyfriend is a bad influence on her and has gotten her into the Swinging lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that I guess, just not really for me. But as I was playing amateur private investigator I learned all about their affair and lifestyle choices. I have only brought up portions of what I know to my wife as it will just make her more defensive to her behavior. And I'm not going to pick that battle since divorce is in progress. But as sit and watch her make bad decision after the other, I cant help from being sad. I had learned that she was into unprotected sex and liked multiple partners. She also is not participating in a closed group of swingers. she is on one of the affair websites and I assume with her text usage, she is active. This is a recipe for disaster in my eyes.

 

 

If I bring it up she will deny it, if I show her the documentation, she will go ballistic and act irrational. But it has to be addressed. She is participating in a self-destructive manner and my kids don't deserve that. I care for her and don't want to see her get a STD or something that is not reversible that could ruin her life.

 

 

I am viewed by her as overpowering guy trying to control her, so she wont listen. actually probably turn it up for spite. Frustrating because I have done nothing but support her through school, business and hobbies. I may give my opinion, but rarely force any issue. So how does one address this behavior?

[Ralph79]

First off , let me say I'm sorry for your pain. A lot of us go through the unpleasant phase of our partners leaving us with no explanation. Some even leave without having an affair or another man/woman in sight. It must be hard dealing with that betrayal, but you have to be strong for your sake and your boys.

 

Sometimes an affair can spark a marriage back from despair. People get to realize things aren't as great as they had thought and in some rare cases fortifies a relationship. However it doesn't seem to be the case here given what you've told us.

 

All I can say is, stop looking out for her. Yes she is the mother if your boys, but you are not her father. Have all your documentation & evidence and go see a lawyer. This lifestyle is going to be detrimental to your boys. You wouldn't want her to have custody of them while "things" are going on at her place.

 

My advice: Go see a lawyer now. Don't tell her anything. Get legal advice right now.

[Mittens]

You asked how you can address her behaviour. Short answer is that you can't. You can't control her actions, only your own. If you are worried about any potential impact on your child, I would seek legal advice.

[evanescentworld]

While you live under the same roof, you are connected to her as the mother of your sons.

 

But I think when it comes to behaviour within the home, you should reach an understanding and an agreement with regard to what is acceptable, and what is intolerable.

 

All this, with your children, and her influence upon them, in mind.

 

If you share a living space, as parents, then you owe it to behave in a responsible way, for their sakes.

 

In your shoes, I would file for sole custody, and propose sound, logical, inarguable reasons as to why you feel this.

 

Outside of the home environment/once divorced, you owe her nothing, and also, legally, have no responsibility towards her at all, other than in consideration of the children and their well-being.

[BetrayedH]

Of the five stages of grief, you're "bargaining." It's time to get out of that stage.

[MJJean]

No, you're not her father and no, you're not responsible for her. But I totally understand wanting your kids to have their mother healthy and safe.

 

I suggest going here Sexually Transmitted Diseases - Information from CDC

 

Click each STD and go to the fact sheet. Print it out. Once you have all of them pick a time to talk to your wife. Tell her you are not making judgments and that you are worried for her health. Ask her to please read the information you have gathered for her. Then WALK AWAY.

 

She will either come to her senses or she won't, but you will have satisfied any obligation you have to her as the mother of your children.

Edited January 15, 2015 by MJJean

[Chi townD]

If you have proof of this reckless behavior, save it. See a lawyer. It probably won't help you out in divorce court but it probably will get you being named the custodial parent to your boys.

 

 

That's what you have to focus on now. You and your boys. Your wife is gone and on a path of destructive behavior that will probably end up getting her killed. You need to get you and those boys out of that house or you need an injunction to force her out. If she wants to practice behaviors that put her life or the life of you and your kids in danger, then she needs to go. You are not her friend. I'm pretty sure you didn't enter into a marriage with her with the ultimate outcome is that you are nothing more than a friend to her.

 

 

Do not warn her, just do it. See a lawyer and see where you stand.

[KBarletta]

I would pick up the phone ASAP and make three appointments:

 

1. To see a lawyer and find out how to do everything you can to protect yourself and your children.

 

2. To see a doctor and get tested to make sure she hasn't exposed you to anything.

 

3. To see a counselor to help you through the grief you will feel.

 

My advice would be not to worry about being her friend or worry about how her own decisions affect her, until I'd tackled those first three steps.

 

KTB

[oldshirt]

As a swinger myself, I can say that swinging is not in and of it'self a dangerous activity and is not automatically a threat to children's wellbeing.

 

 

Swinging is a legal activity with consenting adult participants. I have known a number of ex spouses that have tried to bring legal action against their spouses for participating in the lifestyle and all have failed. The courts really have no interest in what goes on in sane, sober, consenting adults bedrooms. And 9 times out of 10 they will just chalk it up to a bitter ex trying to make trouble.

 

 

Where it does become a child welfare issue is if there is chemical addiction, abuse, neglect or exposing them to sex acts or exposing them to known sexual predators.

 

 

While it is easy to think of her as being irresponsible or of exposing the children to unsavory characters, you will have the burden of proof and you will pretty much have only one chance at proving that she is an unfit parent endangering the children and if you fail to prove it, you will be labeled as the trouble maker.

 

 

If she is having these encounters away from the children and as long as they are being properly supervised and cared for in her care and as long as she is not bringing known sexual predators into their home and as long as she is providing a safe, loving and supportive home to them, you really won't have a leg to stand on.

 

 

If she exposes herself to STDs and contracts something - too bad, so sad. The judge couldn't care less.

 

 

As long as she is providing the children with a legally standard safe and nurturing home, there is nothing legally that can be done about her being sexually active in a nontraditional relationship(s).

 

 

Now if she is out getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, getting OWIs, bringing known sexual predators into the home, exposing the children to sex acts, or not feeding and caring for them safely while she is out partying then you have a case but you will also have the burden of proof and you will only have one chance to present it and make it stick.

[oldshirt]

No, you're not her father and no, you're not responsible for her. But I totally understand wanting your kids to have their mother healthy and safe.

 

I suggest going here Sexually Transmitted Diseases - Information from CDC

 

Click each STD and go to the fact sheet. Print it out. Once you have all of them pick a time to talk to your wife. Tell her you are not making judgments and that you are worried for her health. Ask her to please read the information you have gathered for her. Then WALK AWAY.

 

She will either come to her senses or she won't, but you will have satisfied any obligation you have to her as the mother of your children.

 

She knows what STDs are and how you get them.

[Friskyone4u]

There is only one thing you do. You get out of this situation and divorce her and do not try to be her friend . She has made her choices and you are not going to have any impact on them nor should you.

If you are in a state where infidelity is a factor in child custody then your attorney should have told you what to do. If it is a non factor in your state, so be it.

I am hoping yoinare not planning on continuing to live with her and let her parade in and out as she pleases. Fine example for your kids.

Be the responsible parent and get did of her and fight her for as little child custody as you have to give her

As some one just told you it is time to get out of the rationalization stage and get angry.

Of course you are getting along great. She lives in your house and bangs half the men she meets. And you make nice to her. She has it made. Why would she loot like that.

[bubbaganoosh]

You know, she made the choice and she has to live with it. She put herself above her husband and children and her actions speak volumes.

 

Old shirt made a point. Swinging is legal with consenting adults agreeing to it. In this case, it's only one of you agreeing to this type of lifestyle and in the process she's destroyed the marriage and threw you and your kid under the bus so you tell me why in Gods name you would want to help her get on her feet when she prefers to be on her back or on her knees.

 

It it was me, I would let her know that she can spread her legs for as many guys as she can handle but before she does, she isn't in the same home with you and the kids.

 

She's lost all her credibility and he moral compass is broke so while she's wiping her ass with her family, get her out of there, file, and let her go by herself. Let her boyfriend support her pathetic ass and take care of her. The longer she's there the worse it will get and harder for you to let go and move on.

 

Your job right now is to be the best parent you can for your children. Just remember. She showed you just how much she disrespects you and your family by having unprotected sex with lord only knows how many guys. Then she comes home and shares a bed with you. Now you still want to help her get on her feet? Wise up friend.

Edited January 16, 2015 by bubbaganoosh

[LoveMyCat]

You know, she made the choice and she has to live with it. She put herself above her husband and children and her actions speak volumes.

 

Old shirt made a point. Swinging is legal with consenting adults agreeing to it. In this case, it's only one of you agreeing to this type of lifestyle and in the process she's destroyed the marriage and threw you and your kid under the bus so you tell me why in Gods name you would want to help her get on her feet when she prefers to be on her back or on her knees.

 

It it was me, I would let her know that she can spread her legs for as many guys as she can handle but before she does, she isn't in the same home with you and the kids.

 

She's lost all her credibility and he moral compass is broke so while she's wiping her ass with her family, get her out of there, file, and let her go by herself. Let her boyfriend support her pathetic ass and take care of her. The longer she's there the worse it will get and harder for you to let go and move on.

 

Your job right now is to be the best parent you can for your children. Just remember. She showed you just how much she disrespects you and your family by having unprotected sex with lord only knows how many guys. Then she comes home and shares a bed with you. Now you still want to help her get on her feet? Wise up friend.

 

I would make sure I had legal advice before leaving the home...since kids and custody will be an issue. Just to be safe, so you are not seen to be "abandoning" the home and/or children. I don't have kids, so I could be wrong. But better safe than sorry.

[oldshirt]

I missed the part about her still living in the marital home.

 

While you may have no authority to stop her behavior, you have no reason and no obligation to support it. You have not obligation to house, feed or support the activities of a woman leaving you and engaging in behavior you find offensive.

 

In other words kick the bitch out. Do it legally and through your lawyer but there is no reason to allow this type of activity to take place in your own home. Get some kind of separation agreement ASAP and let her conduct her own activities from her own home on her own computer and her own phone.

 

You are giving her waaaaaaay too much accommodation here. She needs to learn immediately what it will be like being a single mother living on her own.

[MJJean]

She knows what STDs are and how you get them.

 

You'd be surprised how many grown adults with internet access who are sexually active and engaging in high risk behavior never take a look at STD info. They are operating with the "knowledge" they gained in cruddy public school sex ed in 1985. Most of them have no idea that some STD's can even be transmitted orally. It's ridiculous. I have no problem with grown people doing their thing. I do have a problem with grown people doing their thing in such a way that they can cause harm to themselves or others.

Edited January 16, 2015 by MJJean

[oldshirt]

You'd be surprised how many grown adults with internet access who are sexually active and engaging in high risk behavior never take a look at STD info. They are operating with the "knowledge" they gained in cruddy public school sex ed in 1985. Most of them have no idea that some STD's can even be transmitted orally. It's ridiculous. I have no problem with grown people doing their thing. I do have a problem with grown people doing their thing in such a way that they can cause harm to themselves or others.

 

I am a health care professional and I learn something new about STDs all the time.

 

However when I was in that crappy public school sex ed class (IN 1980!) I learned that STDs are passed through sexual contact, including oral.

 

She knows.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I am a health care professional and I learn something new about STDs all the time.

 

However when I was in that crappy public school sex ed class (IN 1980!) I learned that STDs are passed through sexual contact, including oral.

 

She knows.

 

It may seem startling but I've come across some grown ass adults who legitimately did not know the various and sundry STDs out there, symptoms, nor ways to catch them. They might think they do, but they have no idea. I'm not saying OPs wife doesn't know but it wouldn't hurt to give her a friendly reminder....with all the gory details.

[MJJean]

I am a health care professional and I learn something new about STDs all the time.

 

However when I was in that crappy public school sex ed class (IN 1980!) I learned that STDs are passed through sexual contact, including oral.

 

She knows.

 

You had better sex ed than we did. I found out STD's can be passed orally and that condoms don't necessarily protect you from all diseases at darn near 40. I took my teenagers in to have the STD talk with our doctor during their physicals. I have had many talks with them about sexuality and being as safe as possible, but we all know mom is a halfwit and kids tend to listen to anyone not their parent. I learned a few things and I thought I knew all I needed to know!

 

It may seem startling but I've come across some grown ass adults who legitimately did not know the various and sundry STDs out there, symptoms, nor ways to catch them. They might think they do, but they have no idea. I'm not saying OPs wife doesn't know but it wouldn't hurt to give her a friendly reminder....with all the gory details.

 

A couple of my friends aren't in technically open marriages, but they occasionally bring a 3rd into their bed. Turns out, one of those couples 3rd had also been with a few other people and ended up calling my friends to let them know she had genital warts. My friends, who are within a few years of me in age, had no idea that genital warts are a thing. I wish I was joking.

 

A single male friend of ours, well educated, didn't know STD's can be passed orally until he was talking about a few encounters he had recently with a single woman and a couple and I explained it to him.

 

Two women in their 20's, one of which is closely related to me, were involved for a minute. Woman A gave Woman B chlamydia because neither knew it was possible to transmit between women.

 

There really is a lot of ignorance out there. I don't even bother trying to explain symptoms anymore. Either they will end up asymptomatic, go completely hypochondriac, or ignore and be in denial. I just tell them to go get tested regularly.

Edited January 16, 2015 by MJJean

[oldshirt]

You had better sex ed than we did. I found out STD's can be passed orally and that condoms don't necessarily protect you from all diseases at darn near 40. I took my teenagers in to have the STD talk with our doctor during their physicals. I have had many talks with them about sexuality and being as safe as possible, but we all know mom is a halfwit and kids tend to listen to anyone not their parent. I learned a few things and I thought I knew all I needed to know!

 

 

 

A couple of my friends aren't in technically open marriages, but they occasionally bring a 3rd into their bed. Turns out, one of those couples 3rd had also been with a few other people and ended up calling my friends to let them know she had genital warts. My friends, who are within a few years of me in age, had no idea that genital warts are a thing. I wish I was joking.

 

A single male friend of ours, well educated, didn't know STD's can be passed orally until he was talking about a few encounters he had recently with a single woman and a couple and I explained it to him.

 

Two women in their 20's, one of which is closely related to me, were involved for a minute. Woman A gave Woman B chlamydia because neither knew it was possible to transmit between women.

 

There really is a lot of ignorance out there. I don't even bother trying to explain symptoms anymore. Either they will end up asymptomatic, go completely hypochondriac, or ignore and be in denial. I just tell them to go get tested regularly.

 

An adult woman from a western culture knows that having unprotected sex with multiple people will put her at risk for STDs.

 

If you want to argue which strains will penetrate a condom during oral and what the % of transmission is during the second week of months beginning with a "J" go right ahead, but she knows that her activities carry a risk of STDs.

[MJJean]

An adult woman from a western culture knows that having unprotected sex with multiple people will put her at risk for STDs.

 

If you want to argue which strains will penetrate a condom during oral and what the % of transmission is during the second week of months beginning with a "J" go right ahead, but she knows that her activities carry a risk of STDs.

 

I agree, she knows. The question is what does she know? Perhaps she is engaging is risky activity like unprotected oral because she doesn't know she can contract a disease that way. Maybe she has been in denial of how at risk she is and seeing information printed out will make a difference. Not necessarily in what she is doing, but in how she chooses to do it.

 

Not to mention "Those people" syndrome. "STD's happen to those people, not me or my group of partners..." Seeing current stats might make her realize STD's are an everyone issue and not just what happens to those people.

 

Whatever she does, if her husband gives her the info he'll at least be able to satisfy his conscience that he did what he could to help her make safe choices.