Our baby was due today and I'm devastated [Update]

[kieraglass]

I've never posted here before. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I have so little energy to write, anyway. Stayed home from work and lay in bed all day. I've never done this in my life. My marriage fell apart because if my affair, and my seven year old son is with his dad on Tuesdays, so, there I lay, immobile, staring at the wall watching the light change.

 

I met my MM two and a half years ago and fell deeply in love. It went on for nearly two years, until I woke up pregnant. My husband was emotionally and physically abusive-he even had a vasectomy behind my back when our son was a new horn. He hated babies, the screaming, and he had the surgery and told me, tough sh*t. It was a terrible marriage, filled with fear and sadness. We never shared a room in eight years. He said he hated when I would accidentally touch him in the night. I cried a lot. He was horrendous. When I met my MM, I was so ripe for the picking it was ridiculous.

 

He is kind and gentle, nine years older than me, intellectual, fun, funny...i adore him. He didn't flinch when I told him I was pregnant, and that I wanted to have the baby. He said, this will give us even more of a chance at happiness. He said he would get things in order and leave.

 

My world fell apart. I planned to tell my husband once I got housing, to be safe, but ended up blurting it out one night a week after finding out, when he heard me crying in the bathroom. My husband kicked me out of the house, threw me into the yard. I spent two nights sleeping in my car in the driveway. My mother, a town away, mercifully took me in. The world turned upside down.

 

But through it all, I held the idea of this little baby inside me, growing, thriving, and I was strong. The pregnancy went smoothly, until...it didnt. One day I woke in pain and repeatedly visited the er. Four visits, five, over the course of the week. They said I had a uti and to drink cranberry juice. They were wrong. It was an infection in my placenta, and it went undiagnosed and untreated. . After a week, I went into labor and delivered my tiny ten inch son halfway through my pregnancy. He was beautiful, perfect. He died within seconds.

 

I was alone in the maternity room, hysterical. My MM never showed up at the hospital once all week. He was afraid. He never said it, but I knew. The day after our son died, i drove myself home on the highway to my mother's alone, bleeding heavily and in shock. I gave up my whole life to do right by this child, and he was gone. I have never felt such grief.

 

We had him cremated. I have the tiny bag of ashes next to my bed and day after day, I take them out and hold them. Talk to him. I named him Caden, because it means fighter, and he fought so hard for a week to stay with me.

 

My mm was planning to leave by the end of the summer, but it was almost that time when the baby died. I know he wouldn't have. Four months later, and he's still there, now.

 

I can't get over how much I braved for a little boy who never was. My husband abused me terribly through those few months, texts, calls, threats, telling me to slit my wrists and save our son the shame of a whore mother...i lost the respect of family and friends and co workers. Everyone knew what I had done. I was honest. I had to be. I thought there would be something there, at the end, to make it all worth the pain. I wanted to be a mother again in the worst way for years, and this scandal, as shameful as it was, as much as it hurt....i was sure it meant something. That i would be rewarded for my courage, and be holding a little child again.

 

I lay there watching the light change all day today, holding the ashes in my fist, thinking about married men, and how little they understand of our sacrifices. He told no one about our son. Not even his brother, who is his best friend. I told the world. And lost everything. And now, in these past few months since the death, its business as usual. Movies, coffee dates, two hours here, two hours there, and every night alone, particularly the three nights a week that I do not have my second grader with me. I sit in my mother' s livingroom with nothing to call my own, not a pot to piss in, and I think, what on earth has happened. What on earth have I done. In two and a half years loving this man, we have spent two nights together. I have only been held by him in the night two times. The last time was eleven months ago. It's insanity, loving a ghost, like this. I lay in my mother's guest bed holding the ashes and think of him in bed with her, and I weep. There's nothing in my life anymore. No color, no sound. Just those two hours here and there with him where I feel such life, and love. And then it ends and he goes back to his careful facade, and I go back to the rubble he's left me in.

 

I hate myself for my naivete. For believing that he was worth such a leap of faith. I hate that this little baby who meant so very, very much to me died, and gave him an out. Another reason to stay with her. To not move. To be afraid.

 

He's so very, very afraid. I never was. I gave up everything for him, for this love, and he lost...nothing. He sits rooted in his fear. Stagnated. Full of platitudes.

 

I don't know where to turn. I'm looking at my child's ashes right now, and I feel such love comingled with hatred. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, now, since it happened, I drink too much wine. Not often, but occasionally, when I'm alone, no seven year old son on dad's visitation nights. I never drank alone before. I'm so different. I'm so empty. I love this man so much, and he's left me alone through it all. He's treated me with such a lack of compassion, in his fear.

 

I want it to all go away. I don't even know what I want anymore. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. Nights that don't stretch on and on in loneliness and silence

 

Sometimes, I wish I kept the baby, and lost him.

Edited January 14, 2015 by kieraglass

[CALOVELY]

I've never posted here before. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I have so little energy to write, anyway. Stayed home from work and lay in bed all day. I've never done this in my life. My marriage fell apart because if my affair, and my seven year old son is with his dad on Tuesdays, so, there I lay, immobile, staring at the wall watching the light change.

 

I met my MM two and a half years ago and fell deeply in love. It went on for nearly two years, until I woke up pregnant. My husband was emotionally and physically abusive-he even had a vasectomy behind my back when our son was a new horn. He hated babies, the screaming, and he had the surgery and told me, tough sh*t. It was a terrible marriage, filled with fear and sadness. We never shared a room in eight years. He said he hated when I would accidentally touch him in the night. I cried a lot. He was horrendous. When I met my MM, I was so ripe for the picking it was ridiculous.

 

He is kind and gentle, nine years older than me, intellectual, fun, funny...i adore him. He didn't flinch when I told him I was pregnant, and that I wanted to have the baby. He said, this will give us even more of a chance at happiness. He said he would get things in order and leave.

 

My world fell apart. I planned to tell my husband once I got housing, to be safe, but ended up blurting it out one night a week after finding out, when he heard me crying in the bathroom. My husband kicked me out of the house, threw me into the yard. I spent two nights sleeping in my car in the driveway. My mother, a town away, mercifully took me in. The world turned upside down.

 

But through it all, I held the idea of this little baby inside me, growing, thriving, and I was strong. The pregnancy went smoothly, until...it didnt. One day I woke in pain and repeatedly visited the er. Four visits, five, over the course of the week. They said I had a uti and to drink cranberry juice. They were wrong. It was an infection in my placenta, and it went undiagnosed and untreated. . After a week, I went into labor and delivered my tiny ten inch son halfway through my pregnancy. He was beautiful, perfect. He died within seconds.

 

I was alone in the maternity room, hysterical. My MM never showed up at the hospital once all week. He was afraid. He never said it, but I knew. The day after our son died, i drove myself home on the highway to my mother's alone, bleeding heavily and in shock. I gave up my whole life to do right by this child, and he was gone. I have never felt such grief.

 

We had him cremated. I have the tiny bag of ashes next to my bed and day after day, I take them out and hold them. Talk to him. I named him Caden, because it means fighter, and he fought so hard for a week to stay with me.

 

My mm was planning to leave by the end of the summer, but it was almost that time when the baby died. I know he wouldn't have. Four months later, and he's still there, now.

 

I can't get over how much I braved for a little boy who never was. My husband abused me terribly through those few months, texts, calls, threats, telling me to slit my wrists and save our son the shame of a whore mother...i lost the respect of family and friends and co workers. Everyone knew what I had done. I was honest. I had to be. I thought there would be something there, at the end, to make it all worth the pain. I wanted to be a mother again in the worst way for years, and this scandal, as shameful as it was, as much as it hurt....i was sure it meant something. That i would be rewarded for my courage, and be holding a little child again.

 

I lay there watching the light change all day today, holding the ashes in my fist, thinking about married men, and how little they understand of our sacrifices. He told no one about our son. Not even his brother, who is his best friend. I told the world. And lost everything. And now, in these past few months since the death, its business as usual. Movies, coffee dates, two hours here, two hours there, and every night alone, particularly the three nights a week that I do not have my second grader with me. I sit in my mother' s livingroom with nothing to call my own, not a pot to piss in, and I think, what on earth has happened. What on earth have I done. In two and a half years loving this man, we have spent two nights together. I have only been held by him in the night two times. The last time was eleven months ago. It's insanity, loving a ghost, like this. I lay in my mother's guest bed holding the ashes and think of him in bed with her, and I weep. There's nothing in my life anymore. No color, no sound. Just those two hours here and there with him where I feel such life, and love. And then it ends and he goes back to his careful facade, and I go back to the rubble he's left me in.

 

I hate myself for my naivete. For believing that he was worth such a leap of faith. I hate that this little baby who meant so very, very much to me died, and gave him an out. Another reason to stay with her. To not move. To be afraid.

 

He's so very, very afraid. I never was. I gave up everything for him, for this love, and he lost...nothing. He sits rooted in his fear. Stagnated. Full of platitudes.

 

I don't know where to turn. I'm looking at my child's ashes right now, and I feel such love comingled with hatred. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, now, since it happened, I drink too much wine. Not often, but occasionally, when I'm alone, no seven year old son on dad's visitation nights. I never drank alone before. I'm so different. I'm so empty. I love this man so much, and he's left me alone through it all. He's treated me with such a lack of compassion, in his fear.

 

I want it to all go away. I don't even know what I want anymore. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. Nights that don't stretch on and on in loneliness and silence

 

Sometimes, I wish I kept the baby, and lost him.

 

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. That hurt my heart to read. Please take care of yourself for your sake and the sake of your son. I think getting counciling would be beneficial for you. This is a very heavy burden for you to bear all by yourself. You need someone on your side and a trained professional would be able to help you out.

[amaysngrace]

I'm very sorry for your loss too.

 

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in.

 

I agree that counseling may help you. If you feel like you're losing your mind then it's probably a good time to go.

 

But I don't blame you. I think any woman in your shoes would have a tough time keeping it together right now but you have to try. You cannot let your seven year old think that you love this baby more than him and he might unless you pull yourself together.

 

Please let him know that he's as important to you as this baby is. The best way to do that is to be a good mom, an available mom, and one who appreciates what she has as much as what she's lost.

 

Please get some help.

[sober and dry]

Oh my... I read your post and half way in to it I just feel like crying... I mean, you are in a very, very dark moment of your life and I don't believe there's nothing I can say that make you feel any better.

 

I just wanna say, I feel your pain. Keep strong and all will be better someday.

Please take care.

 

CALOVELY is right

I think getting counciling would be beneficial for you. This is a very heavy burden for you to bear all by yourself. You need someone on your side and a trained professional would be able to help you out.

[Haydn]

Feel like the others. Nothing can be said to ease what you are going through. Nothing. The future is always there and i hope it see`s better things for you,

 

Take care.

[Sugarkane]

Sorry for your loss. I have inherited the English "stiff upper lip" and rarely cry. But this did, maybe because I'm a parent myself now.

[No Limit]

Get therapy, as soon as possible. And quit your affair. He's successfully used you because he knew how to press your buttons, and since you were so needy because of your terrible marriage those buttons were most easy to press indeed. Telling you what you want to hear in exchange for sex.

 

Of course he won't ever tell anyone about his almost-affair child, else he would be living in the same chaos you are. Plus a lot more financial costs and his name forever sullied; society doesn't like cheaters, as you experienced yourself. Nonetheless you chose your situation, since he never forced you into an affair. Again, get therapy to sort yourself out. Good luck.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

 

You are thrashing your arms and legs in a strangling, suffocating mass of details.

 

You cannot handle this alone. Not now.

 

Tell yourself you cannot manage all of these problems by yourself.

 

You will make it out of this alive. You will be scraped up, but you will make it out. You're still alive. You have a child who loves you and needs you. But right now, you've got to focus on getting yourself together.

 

Breathe.

 

One day at a time, OK?

 

Keep posting here. Focus on the present. Understand that our mistakes shape us and give greater dimension to our understanding and compassion. You have hurt other people, people have hurt you and you've hurt yourself. Of those, hurting yourself is the most within your control. Stop hurting yourself.

 

Breathe.

 

We're here for you.

[evanescentworld]

Goodness me.

 

You need someone to hold you, and to love you, and to tell you everything will be alright.

 

I wish I could be there with you, for you, to just cradle you and rock you and show you the love you need, deserve and should be holding on to.

 

But I can't.

 

You need help though, and right now, I'm not even sure you can get it for yourself.

 

Can you ask your mother to help you find a bereavement counsellor?

Goodness knows you must get yourself some kind of support, or this will make you insane with despair.

 

I dedicate all my practice of Compassion and Kindness to you, today, and will keep a flame lit on my altar....

 

(((hug)))

 

With all the Metta and Karuna I can muster.

 

Evan.

[Omei]

Your post brought me to tears I dont know what to say im so very sorry for your loss I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain.

 

I wish your future is brighter and filled with all the happiness you've always wanted and I hope your granted with the opportunity to have a child again.

[ZiggyZoo]

I think the others have given wonderful advice, and I have nothing new to add as far as that goes. But I wanted to tell you how very, very sorry I am for your losses. You have gone through an enormous amount of terrible things in the past year, and have every right to feel shattered. Especially today, of all days.

 

Please know that I am sending you many, many healing and peaceful thoughts. I too wish I could be there to hold onto you and try to help you feel better that way. You are already so strong, I hope you realize that, to have survived what life has thrown at you and to be able to fight back and not give in and give up. Hold to that, it is no small feat.

[kieraglass]

Our son was due the other day, died half term due to an infection. I posted all bereft the other night and the responses were so kind. I thank you all.

 

I spend almost all my time alone since my M imploded from the affair and pregnancy. I don't want to be around anyone but my seven year old child from my now ex husband, or the man I love. We've been together two and a half years. I love him with all my heart. Even though he left me alone, struggling through all the scarlet letter shame, and our infant's death.

 

Who is THAT much of a doormat?

 

I amaze myself lately. I look at all that has gone down since summer and all the words he says to me, and god, I just want to laugh. Every time he makes some kind of unprompted deadline for himself, i just listen. Knowing it's not real. I just sit and smile and internally cringe. I must seem so naive.

 

I'm leaving by the end of the summer.

 

I went into labor mid august. Of course he wouldn't have left.

 

Then, after the funeral home, over a much needed drink, I'm leaving in six months when my youngest is accepted to a college. Making it february.

 

Then last month, December, he's all loving and we're having a wonderful time at dinner like we do, so in love, and he blurts, I'm getting a place in two months. Making it march.

 

Then, last night, I'm alone, watching the football game. He's home with his family. He texts all the things he does, our loving way together, back and forth, and ends with, we will see this through and be together, I promise.

 

And for the first time, I snap. I don't just smile and pretend i believe the things he says anymore. I tell him stop saying things like this to me when they might not be true. I tell him that it shows little compassion and it creates false hope and please stop.

 

We got into it. He became very angry at me, said I was giving him attitude. I wasn't. But I did speak up. I don't know why I did. I never have, like that.

 

It continued on to this morning. He said, as he has before, that he can't give me what I deserve, that i am so special, that this issue will keep cropping up until he finishes on his end, and is free. That i gave up my world for him and he just can't make a change right now and he feels he is ripping me off and hurting me..

 

On and on.

 

Why do they do this? Say such beautiful things, make unprompted deadlines for themselves, and then....if you ever have the balls to speak up, even nicely, they back pedal with such obvious goodbyes?

 

I'm in shock. I have never, ever asked this man to leave his luxurious life, his wife, his family. Not even when I was terrified and pregnant sleeping on my my mothers couch being endlessly emotionally abused by my crazy soon to be exH. It was such an awful time, and still, I never asked him to leave. When our baby died, I didn't ask. He has never been here to hold me the nights I break down weeping with the ashes. He has never gotten any pressure from me at all.

 

Yet I speak up and ask him to not say things if they're not true, that's all, a plea for realness and compassion, and he basically ends it. Or pretends to be ending it. To...punish me, for forcing him to look at his truth, his intentions? His words?

 

Please. Any insights?

 

I've been through so very much for this person. All i want is his honesty. I don't know if I've ever, ever had it.

 

Asking someone to not give you false hope shouldn't have motivated D-day. It's insane.

 

I must be insane. Who the heck would be so deeply in love with someone who treats them like absolute garbage?

 

I mean, what IS my damage?

 

Stunned.

 

He always says his wife is a really strong, unapologetic woman. A shark in business. That random people have found her scary, too much. That he loves me because I'm so sweet and gentle and loving.

 

If he dealt with her particular temperament for nearly thirty years, you'd think my speaking up wouldn't cause such craziness. But it does.

 

I like strong women, he told me once at the movies. The female characters who are bad*ss and tough.

 

He married one.

 

But let me speak up, gently, in an appeal for decency, and he gives me the one two "you deserve better " shuffle off.

 

It's the craziest thing. I do not, do not understand.

 

Help?

Edited January 19, 2015 by kieraglass

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss, you've been through a lot.

 

 

You stood up to him and he didn't like it. He expects you to not rock the boat and not cause problems, not disagree with him.

 

You've been there for him and he's not been there for you at all, not even as a friend. He's selfish and puts himself first.

 

This man is a real sh.t and is never leaving his wife and kids.

 

I hope you see him for who he is now and find the courage and strength to detach and hopefully end your affair with him.

[kieraglass]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. Hearing it put that way just slammed me upside the head.

 

He says he loves me with all his heart, but he's done things to me one wouldn't even do to a friend. If his friend was hospitalized, he'd be there. I was in and out of the emergency room being misdiagnosed for six days, alone every night til midnight, terrified and in pain, wanting him, our child slowly dying due to negligence inside me, and he was home, on the couch, with her. Playing his role. Hoping I'd be fine but honey, pass the peas, how was your day at work, while I lay there shivering and in terror.

 

He never even came when I was rushed in by ambulance after six days of suffering, in labor. He said he did, and that they said I wasn't there. This could be true. But when my closest friend called his cell frantic and said, no, she's really there, go back, she's in labor upstairs and she needs you, he said, "I'm halfway home. I can't."

 

His excuse time with wife was up. I knew that then.

 

And the next day, he never came. I woke alone. Drove myself home in agony, empty. I lied to the nurses about having a ride because I was ashamed to have no one there for me. They would have never let me drive home. I was so ashamed and alone. I know they knew I had just lost a married man's baby. It was in all their eyes. I was tired of their pity, and I fled.

 

He has treated me like I'm garbage. It's stunning that I'm just seeing it now.

 

He will never, ever be with me. It's all been lies. I do think he believes them. I do think he loves me. Very much.

 

But fear and uncertainty have made him my personal monster.

 

I am worth so much more than this. I've let myself fall so very, very far.

 

I'm not even angry with him. I adore him. I always will.

I'm angry at me, that I was so blind and didn't see the truth of it all.

 

I'm garbage. Something to be neglected and placated and strung along.

 

But him? He's been everything in the world, to the point that I lost everything in the world just to show him.

 

I used to have so much more dignity than this. I want to get it back.

 

I will.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm done with being a joke.

Edited January 19, 2015 by kieraglass

[compulsivedancer]

It's time to say goodbye. This man doesn't really love you. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things in the world. If that didn't teach him, nothing will.

 

I hurt for you. I hope you find peace.

[kieraglass]

Compulsivedancer,

 

He doesn't really. I imagine you're right.

 

It's the thrill. Perhaps I'm what his wife can't provide, if you get my drift. And she is what I can't provide. I'm so poor, a single mother now.

 

Best of both worlds, him. And there's me, clutching a little grey bag full of a ten inch baby here and there, so lonely I could shatter like glass.

 

Thank you.

 

He couldn't. If he did, truly, and I felt it, knew it, I wouldn't be posting here.

[beach]

Hugs - big hugs!

 

I hope you will end it with both of these men and learn to love yourself. Get counseling... It can help you so that you make better choices for yourself in your future.

[Josmatjes]

I am so sorry for your loss!

 

First off, you need to divorce your husband and stand up to him too! He was an abusive ass to you for years and everyone should know this. I hope your mom and family is on your side.

 

It's time to get strong and say ENOUGH!!!

From mm and H. You need to get rid of them both.... How do you love a man who treats you like this.l. It's just another form of abuse! You are alone and he doesn't care as long as he gets his piece. And he gets mad when you tell him to stop!how dare he!! Please please please get rid of him.... Get out with friends, go to counciling....talk to all of us on here but please divorce husband and get rid of mm.... Plus get a really good divorce lawyer... You have a lot of rights!

 

You deserve better... I hear your pain and you are better than this. Be strong for your son.....

[evanescentworld]

Realising as you do that he will never be there for you, to look after you, tend to your needs and provide you with strength and support - well, of course not, he never has, up to now, has he? - you now know that the strongest, most determined, powerful and valiant person you can always count on - is you.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

Never forget that - and he has amply demonstrated the truth of that proverb....

 

"Whatever you put energy into, will grow".

 

You now need to completely shift your focus onto yourself.

And you need to be very, very strong, and cut this man (I use the term loosely!) off at the knees.

Completely block him.

In fact, I'd change your number if I were you.

Review the No Contact Guide and use it - and us - to find yourself again.

 

None of us can be there physically for you.

We can't do that, and would never promise to. It's just not possible.

But we'll do the next best thing and always be here, for you.

What you have been through could rightly be classed as something nobody ever should bear - but many would also find impossible to bear.

Yet, here you are.

Still talking, still strong - and getting stronger.

Take whatever you need from us, we'll give al we can.

 

But do not sell yourself short to this man, for one second longer.

 

He has proven how weak and spineless he is.

He stood by, and did nothing, as you lost HIS child.

His flesh and blood.

HIS baby.

 

That meant nothing to him.

 

If I'm honest (and I hate to be brutal here), I would strongly suspect he was immensely relieved.

Because that would have meant certain exposure, and added investment - both emotional and financial.

 

That is how low, mean and base the man is.

He isn't worthy to be called a man, for what he did to you, and your child.

Have nothing more to do with him.

If he makes such light of something which by rights should have meant the world to him, he reveals his calibre in the ugliest way possible.

You do NOT want to be associated with such a person, really, you don't.

[waterwoman]

So sorry to read this. I have been blessed not to lose any of my beloved babies. I can't imagine what you are going through. You are in my thoughts xx

[autumnnight]

You posts broke my heart. I think they would break the heart of anyone capable of compassion. I have no wise advice, but I just wanted to reach out and say I hope you find peace.

[kieraglass]

Thank you, everyone.

 

I didn't cry when he sort of said goodbye this morning, but I'm crying now. Thank you.

 

And for the record, I am now divorced. It should be finalized any day. I pushed for it fast upon discovering I was pregnant to spare my husband, as much of a cruel ogre as he is, the shame of my being heavily pregnant in court. I paid for the entire thing myself, as was my duty, considering what I had done. He may have had affairs first, but I knew my pregnancy was the godball. It was my duty to arrange it all and pay for it. He never even got a lawyer.

 

Evan, thank you. Your words hit me between the eyes. All of your words did.

 

I'm seeing all this in a new way. And I'm so disgusted by myself. How much i've taken, never even expecting more, and how much i let it all bleed me.

I'm sure that's normal and will pass.

 

I'm going to miss him so very much. I'm a rape and abuse victim and I've never, ever let a man in before. He was the biggest, brightest thing. He made me laugh, he made me sparkle, he taught me what desire is, what want is, what I am. He gave me so very little, but then again, he gave me more than I'd ever, ever had. I'm glad he was here. As sick as that sounds. I'm glad. He opened me like a key. I never wanted to be without him. But I have been without him. The entire time. And it's time to let go and breathe.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm going to make someone very happy someday, like I did him. But this one will hold on and not let go.

 

I know it.

[Quiet Storm]

So sorry for your loss.

 

You should just accept that you will grieve for awhile. Allow yourself to cry and be sad, and be gentle to yourself. Grieve your baby and the man you thought was MM. Don't be too hard on yourself or feel stupid for trusting him. Focus your emotional energy on healing, not criticizing yourself.

 

You say you love MM, but think about it. What is there to love? You loved what you thought he was and what you hoped he would be in your future. You don't really love this cheater with a poor character that let you down in your time of need. When you accept that he is really not worthy of your love, because of the kind of person he is, it will be easier to get over him.

[twosadthings]

It's hard for an old guy like me to convey empathy anonymously so I'll try to give some fatherly advice or at least a fatherly suggestion.

 

 

You've tried to find love the wrong way. It's not too late to do it the right way. Your married man is not worth your tears or frustration and you're selling yourself short if you try to convince yourself he is loveable.

 

 

Give your seven year old the love you are wasting on a faithless person and bury the baby's ashes with a ceremony that will give you comfort and a place to visit when you can show him you're in a better place.

 

 

Take stock of yourself and go about finding someone who's life will be better with you in it.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

[sandylee1]

Your story is heartbreaking. You've been through so much it must be awful. So much abuse in your life. Please as others have said, get some help. Seek counselling for the loss of your son.

 

Unless you live in an at fault place, you should not have left the marriage poor, unless there wasn't much to begin with. Your XH, was very bad to you and I wish you had the courage to leave him before all this happened. Please cherish the son that you have with every bone in your body. He needs to know his mom is always there for him.

 

See your doctor if you feel really down. Get the strength to move to a healthy place in your life. Be strong and make your son (7 year old) proud of who become.