Our baby was due today and I'm devastated [Update]

[GirlStillStrong]

Why do they do this? Say such beautiful things, make unprompted deadlines for themselves, and then....if you ever have the balls to speak up, even nicely, they back pedal with such obvious goodbyes?

Because he is a sociopath.

 

Sociopath, noun, Psychiatry. 1. a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

 

I strongly suggest you read Dr. George Simon. Here is a link to his blog archives. http://drgeorgesimon.com/drsimonsblogarchives.html He has written a couple of books. "In Sheep's Clothing" will probably be invaluable to you in recovering from what you have been through. I am very much against identifying myself or others as victims, unless they have truly been victimized, but it is very clear to me that you are a victim of a sociopath. Please read Dr Simon. His book really helped me.

Edited January 19, 2015 by GirlStillStrong

[Mal78]

Sorry for your loss, you've been through a lot.

 

 

You stood up to him and he didn't like it. He expects you to not rock the boat and not cause problems, not disagree with him.

 

You've been there for him and he's not been there for you at all, not even as a friend. He's selfish and puts himself first.

 

This man is a real sh.t and is never leaving his wife and kids.

 

I hope you see him for who he is now and find the courage and strength to detach and hopefully end your affair with him.

 

Oddly enough he needs stability in you to carry on his double life. By not giving him reason to stress or rocking the boat he has been able to contain his two worlds and has prevented them from colliding. Your situation and now your assertiveness has caused a threat and he is planning an escape. Not an escape from his current wife/life.

 

He doesn't feel the same loss as you do with your child. Reality has slapped him and he near escaped it. He couldn't be happier.

 

Two things I have learned in life, "you teach people how to treat you" and "if someone shows you over and over again who they are, believe them"!

 

This is NOT going to change. His headstrong wife WILL take him for all he is worth and being that infidelity is the culprit to their D he won't have a pot to piss in left. She won't be fair. My BFF is a divorce attorney, she makes good money in these cases as BSs don't mind spending/loosing money to see their WS suffer. One recent case she ended up owing money after a 5 day trial ($85,000, not nessisary in 99% of cases) my friend advised against it but in the end, she didn't care. He lost/she lost but she gained a healthy monthly support.

 

He might not be comfortable but he is 1000x more comfortable staying. He isn't stupid, he has done his research and weighed his options. He is NOT leaving. It's YOU that needs to come to terms with this.

 

You MUST seek help for all things, starting with the abusive H, the A and the loss. You are broken. You need to be fixed to see more clearly. Until then try not to wait on a hope and a prayer that he will get it and care. He simply won't.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devastation.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oddly enough he needs stability in you to carry on his double life. By not giving him reason to stress or rocking the boat he has been able to contain his two worlds and has prevented them from colliding. Your situation and now your assertiveness has caused a threat and he is planning an escape. Not an escape from his current wife/life.

 

He doesn't feel the same loss as you do with your child. Reality has slapped him and he near escaped it. He couldn't be happier.

 

Two things I have learned in life, "you teach people how to treat you" and "if someone shows you over and over again who they are, believe them"!

 

This is NOT going to change. His headstrong wife WILL take him for all he is worth and being that infidelity is the culprit to their D he won't have a pot to piss in left. She won't be fair. My BFF is a divorce attorney, she makes good money in these cases as BSs don't mind spending/loosing money to see their WS suffer. One recent case she ended up owing money after a 5 day trial ($85,000, not nessisary in 99% of cases) my friend advised against it but in the end, she didn't care. He lost/she lost but she gained a healthy monthly support.

 

He might not be comfortable but he is 1000x more comfortable staying. He isn't stupid, he has done his research and weighed his options. He is NOT leaving. It's YOU that needs to come to terms with this.

 

You MUST seek help for all things, starting with the abusive H, the A and the loss. You are broken. You need to be fixed to see more clearly. Until then try not to wait on a hope and a prayer that he will get it and care. He simply won't.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devastation.

This response is so right on it needs to be a permanent post at the top of the OM/OW page. Thanks Mal.

[Poppy47]

You have been through one of the most traumatic experiences a woman can go through.

 

You are also dealing with two abusive men.

 

Why have you not sought some kind of on going support and counselling?

 

It would help you tremendously to come to terms with the death of your son.

 

All my best wishes,

 

Poppy.

[kieraglass]

Thank you everyone. I haven't spoken about any of this, in this way, ever. I lie to everyone about being okay, because otherwise, people will know the truth of this, of him, and think I'm insane to love him. I hide my truths to appear strong. I even pretend to co-workers that we're together in real time now. I work at a large corporation and this was kind of a scandal. I say he's separated now, that he's with me, to save face. No one there knows his name. He's a shadow figure. A fake prop in my life. My exH thinks we're together now in real time, too. He tormented me endlessly before the baby's death about being a side piece, a whore, a piece of white trash. He would tell me, hey, good luck with your bastard, whore. So I pretend we're together to him now, too.

 

My mother, who took me in during the chaos, sees me coming and going, though. To my two hours visits with him. She sees me home alone every night. She knows the truth. But we don't speak of it. I'm too ashamed. I pretend to be fine so often that I font know which end is up.

 

The other day, my MM was marveling at the romp we just had in his truck after a lovely dinner. He referred to it as a session. As in, that was an amazing session.

 

It blew my mind.

 

I made jokes back about being a prostitute in the movie Full Metal jacket. Me love you long time. I pretended it was almost funny.

 

But I saw the truth.

 

I'm a...session.

 

An escape from his life. Like a hooker, or a masseuse, or a shrink.

 

Poppy, I carried all my family's benefits through my work, and when tshtf, and I had to leave so suddenly, pregnant, i had to drop them and go on state insurance so I would get my entire paycheck each week. The state insurance said I would be a temporary member, due to a huge backlog of applicants, until full approval until december. This was in june. Temporary members aren't eligible for mental health counseling. The only way I could get it was in an inpatient setting. Like, check myself in to the bin.

 

Believe me, I came damn near once or twice. Ha!

 

I should be approved shortly, and I'm getting a therapist, stat. I had to re-enroll on december, again. So much red tape and waiting. Meanwhile, my life feels like flipping Pompei. I've never been through anything so devastating without access to counseling. It was almost cruel. I'm an advocate for therapy. I think some of the skills I learned in counseling over the years kept me from flying off the deep end these past months. I believe it creates a bit of a foundation. I can't imagine if I'd never been to one.

 

I'm on hour twelve of NC right now. I made a lovely gourmet meal from a recipe in the newspaper, for my mom and seven year old son. Pasta with butternut squash. I was proud of myself, for doing that. All i really want to do is go lay down and weep for all that is gone, including my lover, but I won't. I'm not going to cry over this man. I've done that enough.

 

He doesn't love me. Not really. He thinks I'm not good enough for him. He's kept me a dirty secret for over two years. He was relieved our child died. He boinks me and dumps me at my car like a street walker to rush home to her. I drive home in tears now, when it happens. Broken. And sleep with the dead kid in my hands.

 

Words like a mantra, and they're helping. God knows why, but they are.

 

I haven't felt this calm facing the loss of him, ever. He's done this before, over and over, and i fall apart. When he did it to me when I was a few months pregnant I actually ended up on a suicide hot line bawling. It was the dumbest call ever. The woman was elderly and deaf and I had to scream details over and over until I hung up so irritated I was spitting nickels. Suicidal ideation cured. It was almost funny.

 

Not today. Today, i'm still standing. I even tried a recipe. Thank you, loveshack posters.

 

After everything, you have no idea how much this means.

Edited January 20, 2015 by kieraglass

[Furious]

My heart breaks for you.

 

You cannot change the past but you can change the future. realize that if you don't love yourself, respect yourself, odds are you set a low price for your soul.

 

Grieve the loss, but look forward, each small step is huge. One step at a time, one day at a time.

 

Your mother loves you and she's right there. Tell her the truth, let her in.

[jellybean89]

I hope you are done with this jerk. His abuse is worse than your ExH in my view because he knows damn well what he is doing, yet keeps doing it.

 

You don't love him...you can't love someone who treats you so poorly. I hope you are taking your life back..if you won't do it for you, do it for your 7 year old. He deserves his mom, not this woman who spends all day crying.

 

Good luck

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are not the first person to trade one dysfunctional relationship for something slightly less dysfunctional.

 

It is hard to know what healthy looks like, when all you have experienced is unhealthy.

 

I too, was once in similar shoes. When it hit me....really hit me...that I was no better off...just a different kind of messed up...it awoken something in me. There were no tears, just resolve.

 

Resolve that I and I alone could change my circumstance. I can not describe how empowered I felt. I got to know ME. I had my own back....someone that I could trust. Like yourself, I learned new skills....and I loved it. I no longer needed anyone to tell me that I was "good enough".... I KNEW IT.

 

When the piece of "ME", falls into place inside us....others notice...however the new "me" doesn't even care if they do or not.

 

Life is a journey...at any time...each of us can course correct and set a healthier destination.

 

I wish you well on your journey.

[anika99]

Thank you everyone. I haven't spoken about any of this, in this way, ever. I lie to everyone about being okay, because otherwise, people will know the truth of this, of him, and think I'm insane to love him. I hide my truths to appear strong. I even pretend to co-workers that we're together in real time now. I work at a large corporation and this was kind of a scandal. I say he's separated now, that he's with me, to save face. No one there knows his name. He's a shadow figure. A fake prop in my life. My exH thinks we're together now in real time, too. He tormented me endlessly before the baby's death about being a side piece, a whore, a piece of white trash. He would tell me, hey, good luck with your bastard, whore. So I pretend we're together to him now, too.

 

My mother, who took me in during the chaos, sees me coming and going, though. To my two hours visits with him. She sees me home alone every night. She knows the truth. But we don't speak of it. I'm too ashamed. I pretend to be fine so often that I font know which end is up.

 

 

 

This is so sad. Nobody in your real life will be able to offer you support as long as you are not being honest and presenting this pretend life to them. Not to say that I think you should tell your ex-husband or random coworkers the details of your life. You don't owe those people anything but there is a difference between keeping your business your own and actively lying to people. Just stop talking about your private life with these people. If you have any close family or friends tell them the truth so they can support you. I couldn't imagine trying to hide so much of yourself from the world. It would do me in. Find someone to talk to real life and open up about things. You will feel so much better once you have looked someone in the eye and unburdened yourself. I wish you the best.

[todreaminblue]

I have lost babies in utero and i have lost a baby ....i ...nah....cant talk about it today.....I just want to let you know i know how it feels...the loss.....my mum had a still born baby my brother....trouble in pregnancy runs in my family.....i have five children and have lost five........even though the pregnancies didnt progress as far as birth the loss feels the same......devastating....

 

 

i never got counselling i didnt have time ....and like others posters have said therapy at this very time will only ever help you.....i should have gotten therapy....I never did.....parts of me are fractured because of this.....i just handled it myself....which really....was to not think about it to close off that part of that hurt and totally ignore them......i would blame myself.....i would try and think of ways why the baby was better off not having me as a mother...that was not ion any way productive.....i would think of the unkind uncaring world....and try and be happy that my baby would know no suffering......or struggle through life with money or be homeless...or whatever my struggles were......

 

I can honestly say ...i am a pretty mixed up woman....... a multiple personality..often haunted...often able to disassociate whatever part of me isnt coping with trauma...or life ...or people.....i have a disassociate disorder.......and maybe if i had gotten therapy at the times i needed it most ...i would not be so haunted.....

 

what i know today is i have five beautiful children almost all grown now.....that god put his hand over my growing belly five times to make sure they went to term.....i fi had those children i wouldnt have the children i have now....and in my heart i Know .....that this needed to be this way.....

 

Your post made me cry.....maybe crying is a good thing op......i wish i could be right there nwo with you...and you could tell me all the hopes you had with this baby...the dreams and the sadness you feel......you have a wonderful little boy who needs you around......who needs your happiness......your love......your caring......I know how hard it is.....

 

I know that god has my babies and ill see them again one day....soon......for whatever reason the time wasnt right for them to be here.....i know they would be smiling down on me.......just waiting.......like your baby is op we just dont get to hold them yet.....but we will......

 

please consider counselling.....and cry op...let out the pain inside you feel....be with people who love and support you........none of this is on you......theres a reason for everything that happens on earth and sometimes we need help to deal with what happens down here....I pray a fair bit....i cry to god when no one else is around.........you are not alone, god is with you in your hours of needing someone....please consider getting therapy ...a caring counsellor for you and your son...to help you sort through what you feel and for your son to also be supported...............huge hugs......deb

Edited January 20, 2015 by todreaminblue

[truncated]

Losing a child is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. Your arms ache to hold them, and your heart is worse than broken, It's dust, ashes, blown away.

 

I know it may not mean much now, but things will get better. You loved your little boy, and you are every bit a mom to him as you would be had he lived and gone on to have a long and full life.

 

Think of him and honor his memory the best way you can. This means to look after his older brother and you...his mom. I know it probably hurts to hear, but this mm couldn't even be there for you when you needed him the most. That tells you everything aout him that you need to know.

 

It's okay to be angry at him. don't run from that. use that anger to pull yourself out of the black hole you are in, and honor your baby's memory by relearning to live your life an be happy witout this married man in it. Get counseling for yoruself to help you find your way through the grief you are in, and one day, you will smile again. the anger will be gone , replaced with indiffernce.

 

time will soften the edges of your pain, and one day you'll be able to look back on all the good things about he time you did get to spend with your baby.your arms wil always ache to hold him, but it will be different somehow. I can't explain it, but you will understand it when you reach that point.

Edited January 20, 2015 by truncated

[bathtub-row]

Honey, you're stronger than either of those two idiot men put together. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby. That is something I simply cannot imagine. It is beyond sad.

 

As far as your marriage is concerned, if nothing else, the affair got you out of it. Which is what needed to happen in the worst way. I'm baffled though as to why you take on so much. Caring about your husband's shame about you being pregnant? Who cares?? I mean, really. I say this all the time and I'll say it again -- abusers don't deserve anything. They're sub-human, as far as I'm concerned, and I hope you never, ever apologize or act ashamed to that creep again.

 

And the same goes for this man you say you love. Whether you love him or not, it doesn't mean he gets to treat you any way he wants. The thing with him not being there last August should've been a complete deal-breaker for you. This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. Making false promises to you is also unacceptable.

 

I hope you will pull yourself out of this bad space and regain your real strength and never, ever let anyone mistreat you or your child. You will learn that once you decide that you have a zero tolerance for this kind of thing, lousy people stop coming into your life.

 

I'm sending warm thoughts to your baby tonight. Perhaps he's an old, wise soul, watching over you and his brother, wishing a beautiful life for the mom he loves so much. He would not be happy to see you so sad, and putting up with people who treat you badly or indifferently. Hugs to you, sweetie.

[eye of the storm]

Kieraglass, I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry.

 

Please forgive yourself. Everytime you want to call yourself names, stop and think about your children. Their mother deserves the respect of other people, and respect from herself. You are not worthless, you are not garbage. You are a strong loving person who is in so much pain right now.

 

Everyday focus on the present. Like dinner. It felt like a victory because it was one. Eventually, you will be able to start looking at the future.

 

My heart aches for you soo much. I wish I could do more to help you. I bet if you went to your mother and told her how much pain you are in she would just sit and hold you. Let her do that. She loves her child. She loves you.

 

You will find your feet again, you will be strong. give yourself time, forgiveness, love, and care.

[kieraglass]

Thank you, everyone. Truth be told, when I feel like contacting him the pat twenty four hours, I re-read all the responses to my story here, and try to breathe through it.

 

He was my entire world, it's true. After I got pregnant and all the chaos occurred, I began to isolate from people. The past eight months have seen me entirely focused on the love I feel for him. He was everything before, when I had a life, but now? It's as if my soul has been ripped from my body. He was my lover, but he was more than that. He was my best friend. Being with him brought out the child in me. No man has been able to do that. I met him at forty years old. I was so closed off and sardonic, the sarcastic princess. Terrified of men but hiding it behind this veneer of sass and whatever. For a long time with him, I had trouble making eye contact. He was so beautiful to me, physically and emotionally, that looking into his eyes broke me in half. I didn't want him to see me, to see inside of me, to see how big and shiny and bright he was, reflected there. And then, a year in, it happened. I let go, and gave it all over to him. My love radiated like a beacon. I let it all ho, all the pain and fear, all the shame from before, and we reached this place of absolute joy together. It was even there pregnant, as hard as that wa. It has even been there since the baby died in august.

 

This man is, and will forever be the one. I read all the responses telling me that he doesn't love me, that he never loved me, and I get that. I do. I understand why these words are being said, and that it looks that way. I understand implicitly.

 

But the fact is, thus man did love me. He did, and he does.

 

But fear is such a destructive force in life, and he is so very, very afraid. Of los, of change, of plummeting downward in his life. I have so very little to offer him outside of myself. He and she are established members of their sleepy bedroom community. Twenty seven years married, assets, lavish lifestyle, successful, incredibly smart and talented young sons. Their financial situation is beyond many if ours, and that's an understatement. I have myself, and god help me, who among us, with so little to give, expects someone who has it all to lay it all on the line for us? I never did. Not once. Not even pregnant with his child.

 

Had he been an average man, with an average wife and life, perhaps I wouldn't have been this way.

 

But he's not. She's not.

 

So, I expected nothing. I actually feared him ever being with me. I'm not some highly connected, linkd in business sharkette. I work in health care. I'm a single mother now. Him, being with me, would be a fall from grace in so many ways.

 

I hate that I'm about to say this, but I really can't blame him. Twenty seven years of acumen and memories and accumulated assets, down the drain, for some silly affair with a girl who never realized her full potential, grappling, as I did for years, with one abusive dysfunctional situation after the other.

 

I sit here today, thirty six hours NC, and blame myself. Maybe he wouldn't have been so afraid if I was wealthy, if I had so much more to give. I was middle class, before the pregnancy, my husband was a successful carpenter who made a great deal more money than most in his trade. After it all went down, there is just me, not flush with wealth, loving him but no one who could keep him afloat.

 

The official story us that his youngest is still home and will be until fall. I absolutely understand that. My own parents stayed married until I went off to school. I am fine with that. But. This whole NC started because I'm not so sure if he's not wasting my life, leaving me dangling, alone, with a bucket full of terror in his heart that will continue on well into the time period that his children are all off and gone. I sassed him the other night when he mentioned our future. I don't know why.

 

Maybe I know. Maybe I know that if a man couldn't be with me carrying his child, losing his child, he will never, ever have it in him. No matter what.

 

He would have been there with me, when the baby lay dying in that dim room. I know he would have. But he lives in terror of his wife. He says no, he doesn't, but I'll be da med if I've ever seen a man skidaddle home as fast as him when we are out once a week. Even in the week or two after the baby passed, he'd rush home, panicked. Nine fifteen is the godball, so he can make it to her by nine thirty. I remember four days after it happened, we were hugging in the parkinglot of a pace, talking, and he looked at the time and startled. Gotta ho, baby! It's that time!

 

I was, still bleeding heavily, wearing the massive pads the hospital had given me, and I burst into tears and broke away from him and ran to my car. Four days. I hadn't even gotten the baby back from the crematorium.

 

I wept all the way home.

 

We've had a few incidents like that since then. And as each one happens, the sadness is less in me, and the anger is stronger.

 

I feel like she is... some kind of...golden god, to motivate such fear in him, such an urge in him to comfort her and make her feel ok, like everything is in place. Like she must really be so incredibly important to him, despite his claims of love for me.

 

Leaves me bleeding and crying at my car, rushes home.

 

Check.

 

Tells me on a Thursday that he won't be able to see me on our Monday day slot, because it's labor day, and she'll be home. That well have to wait until wednesday, nearly a week later. This was two weeks after the death.

 

Check.

 

 

And I know he wants to be with me. It's not callous indifference or neglect, lack of love. It's pure fear that she'll see something is off, and come in for the kill.

 

They share the same bed. That breaks my heart. And yes, I'll sound naive if I say there's none if that, but there isn't, and I trust that. But the closeness kills me. The thought of him sliding into bed with my scent on him, and making married small talk as I sit in tears on my mothers couch alone....what a kick in the face.

 

He doesn't think I'm worth it now, kid finishing high school, money, life...but he let's me know I may be, soon, or soon enough, when he can "make the leap."

 

I made the leap with his child growing inside of me. I slept in my own driveway for two nights with no where to go yet, so I didn't have to leave my little boy inside our marital home. I held a tiny unbreathing child he never saw with his eyes.

 

I wasn't worth it, through all of that. How am I to believe I ever will be?

 

I miss him terribly. Makes me sound crazy, I know. But the thing is, I understand a lot about fear, and panic. I lived there for years and years, never leaving my abusive ex, because of what it would do to my son. But becoming pregnant and having to face down the entire town, it seemed, my inlaws, coworkers, everyone...becoming THAT woman. I got fierce. It taught me that nothing, absolutely nothing anyone thinks, matters.

 

Maybe someday he will get to this place, and be able to treat me with the love I deserve. No more hiding. No more shame. Maybe we'll share a life someday.

 

But he needs to get there on his own. The more he us with me, the more he has it all. Why ever consider me a real thing, when I'm there, all over him, a few times a week?

 

They get the wife, the esteem, the comfort, and the love of their life. And we get...shame.

 

I want a man to walk down the street with me someday, in love, not in fear.

 

I hope it will be him.

 

But I'm not holding my breath anymore. His anger at me for slightly rocking the boat sunday night, and speaking up, has taught me a great deal.

Edited January 20, 2015 by kieraglass

[kalimata]

Kieraglass:

 

MM does not love you. If he did then he would have left his wife and kids and be with you now.

 

Rip the band-aid off. Now. He will only creep into your life again at some point later. You are too weak to maintain NC.

 

Want an easy way to get him out of your life for good? Tell his wife. Then expose to all of his close friends and family. Give them proof. He will be pissed, but in the end everyone needs to know the truth.

 

You won't be at peace until this happens. Good luck

[twosadthings]

A man's love for a woman, his woman, should inspire him to do great things. Overcome any fear. Move mountains to be with her. I can't understand why you would be so devoted to someone who could be so afraid of his wife to leave you alone with his dead son.

 

 

Your last post was so long and so disappointing that I can't comment upon it. You write well and communicate your thoughts clearly so that I feel you are intelligent enough to appreciate your talents and abilities. Find some way to move forward on your own and make a life for yourself and your son that can eventually include a man who truly cares and appreciates the both of you.

 

 

If you don't lose hope and can think clearly you can have a satisfying and successful life.

 

 

Good luck and stay strong,

 

 

Twosadthings

[MuddyRock]

He is not afraid of his wife. He is afraid of her finding out about you. Because he doesn't want her to know you exist. Because he never planned to leave. Men who love someone else and want to leave do not go home at 9:30 on the dot.

If they sleep in the same bed and make small talk they are having sex. He is probably having even more sex with her so she doesn't suspect anything.

There is so much evidence that you were simply an escape. You need to stop making excuses for him.

[truncated]

OP,

 

I lost a child as well, mind you, it was under different circumstances. I can tell you this much. If my daughter's father ( my husband ) had left me to pick up the pieces alone, to grieve by myself, to not be there for me when I needed him, to only be available at certan time sof the day, to dishonor and disreepect her memory by dashing off the way your mm did, I could never, ever have looked at him the same way again.

 

 

i know it hurts to hear, and it's easy to place the blame for his actions at he feet of his wife, but you are giving her far too much credit. He stays with her because he wants to. Also, think on this for a moment. If she is as controling and he is as frightened as you say, he wouldn't make her suspicious by sleeping in the same bed as her but not having sex. That would be a huge tp off to her that something was wrong.

 

I do agree with you that he is scared, but scared for selfish reasons. He doesn't want to give up his cushy life with her, but he still wants you around out of ego, and maybe some guilt. All of the rest of the reasons why he says he can't leave are just pereipheral excuses.

 

You've also got yourself so wrapped up in believing that he is your strength, and you are where you are because he somehow saved you.

 

I've got news for you honeybunch. He didn't do that. you did. You saved yourself. That strength was in you all along, and you don't need him to be your strength. YOU be your strength.

 

As for him loving you and being a good man. does a good man lie to his wife, does he sneak around behind her back, does he risk her health, the mental health of his children by hvaing an affair.?Does he get another woman pregnant and then leave her to flounder, alone and devestated? No, no, NO!

 

You deserve better than this, and your son deserves better than a mom who is only half there, because of abroken heart and a longing for a man who will only hurt her.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow. What a difficult situation but you are making the choice to go back to this person again...and again...and again.

 

He left you bleeding, heartbroken and alone again...and again...and again.

 

How much more of this will you choose to endure?

 

You can change your world. Others may not have survived the pain you've experienced. Not you, you're surviving. Now you need to heal. You need to learn to love yourself.

 

Change your world, you are strong enough.

[bathtub-row]

I think you want to believe that all this time and love and energy spent on him will reward you in the end. You know, it may or may not. But you continually let him disrespect you because of this fantasy in your head; because of how you feel toward him and how you brush off how he treats you. Not only that, but you believe that you're beneath him.

 

If nothing else, life is trying to make a huge point and, as long as you continue to miss that point, or not take it seriously, you'll continue to be controlled by forces outside yourself. The lesson from all of this is if we don't choose wisely about who we allow into our lives, they can and will create a world of pain and agony for us. For many years, I never understood that there were quality people in this world, and not-so-quality; people who deserve us and those who don't. And it sometimes means that even a quality person doesn't deserve us because the circumstances that surround them will cause us harm (as in the case of a MM). When we introduce a person into our sphere, we are doing a very serious thing that very few of us give any thought to. I'm convinced that this is why many parents will insist that, for example, a person is bad for the child, and the child simply can't see it. But as we get older, we are so much better at reading people and reading circumstances.

 

Nowadays, I think about this a lot. I think about how so many times I just followed my heart, ignored my instincts, and plunged head on into whatever mistake I would ultimately make because it mostly felt right. When I made the decision to be with xMM, it was because I had been in an abusive relationship and I just wanted someone to make me feel good. I wanted someone alive and real and sweet-tempered, smart and light and fun. I often wonder about all of it now, what it all meant and can't make a lot of sense out of it.

 

The truth is, you should be viewed as a jewel to the man in your life. If he doesn't see that all by himself, there is no amount of talking that will wake him up. I don't know whether MM loves you or not. I think only you and he know that. People act strangely in strange situations but it's still not in your best interest to continually overlook the things he has done - and continues to do - to hurt and wound you.

 

This is another very big lesson for you. That allowing a man to walk all over you is never a good thing to do. This is probably why he has the reaction that he has toward his wife. He knows she wouldn't put up with him behaving badly. And neither should you. The truth is, if you were married to him, you would bring a LOT into his life. You would bring peace and stability and love. You don't realize that just having a loving human being around is such a gift. So, don't ever think you have nothing to offer. Money isn't the end-all, be-all, as many rich people will tell you. Does money give you options? Absolutely. It's great and I love it. But, please, do not ever compare your self-worth to a dollar bill, or lots of dollar bills. Ask yourself, how much is your son worth? Would you sell him to me for $1 million? How about $60 billion? Do you get my point? Comparing people to money is nonsensical.

 

Just by the things you say, I can tell that you don't believe you have a voice. Feeling as though you're sassing him when he has continually pushed you over the edge, are the thoughts of a woman who believes she has no value, no rights, no voice. You are so much more than that; much more than you even come close to giving yourself credit for. I hope this becomes your goal for this year -- to stand up for yourself and allow no harm to come to you. And standing up for yourself doesn't mean being a witch about things. If you've ever noticed a strong woman, she probably rarely raises her voice. Standing up for yourself does not mean shouting to the rooftops or getting pissed off every time someone annoys you. It means silently observing and making a decision based on your observations. Decisions that do not need to be announced. They're between you and you.

 

I understand about your feelings for MM. They are very, very close to how things were between me and xMM. We talked every day, several times a day -- in any way we could. To this day, I can sit across from him at a restaurant and become a dreamy-eyed just looking at him. We can be there for 3 hrs and I don't even notice time. It truly is like time stands still. It becomes non-existent. We crack each other up; laugh our heads off, and the chemistry is mind-boggling. He told me once that we were soul mates. But...his kids and life meant more to him and that is a fact that, to this day, hasn't changed. Like your MM, mine is a very rich man with highly successful children, a highly successful company that he owns, and if looking at things materially, I would have little to offer him in comparison. But I know that he didn't look to me to provide anything to him. That wasn't the issue. The issue is that he can't give up the life he has. I even stumbled on a conversation that he had awhile back with a friend of his. xMM had no idea I was there. He was telling his friend that all he and his wife do is argue, and that he thinks he should just get a boat. So, there you have it. He's more willing to stay married to someone who argues with him all the time, and live on a boat away from her, instead of leaving and being with someone that he knows loves him. That kind of said it all for me. He and I were together for nearly 9 yrs -- off and on. The affair ended about 2 yrs ago. That's a long time to love someone as intensely as we loved one another. Still, he's willing to stay in a miserable marriage. Even though his kids are now grown. Money, reputation, judgment -- it all means more than what we had. That's why I'm not with him anymore. That's why I should've never gotten involved with him because even though he's a very quality person, I shouldn't have let that kind of heartbreak into my life. Nothing changes those facts.

 

I know you feel alone and vulnerable but you're really better off now than you were with your husband. You have choices and options to have a better life. You're no longer trapped. In other words, you still have hope.

[Mal78]

Thank you, everyone. Truth be told, when I feel like contacting him the pat twenty four hours, I re-read all the responses to my story here, and try to breathe through it.

 

He was my entire world, it's true. After I got pregnant and all the chaos occurred, I began to isolate from people. The past eight months have seen me entirely focused on the love I feel for him. He was everything before, when I had a life, but now? It's as if my soul has been ripped from my body. He was my lover, but he was more than that. He was my best friend. Being with him brought out the child in me. No man has been able to do that. I met him at forty years old. I was so closed off and sardonic, the sarcastic princess. Terrified of men but hiding it behind this veneer of sass and whatever. For a long time with him, I had trouble making eye contact. He was so beautiful to me, physically and emotionally, that looking into his eyes broke me in half. I didn't want him to see me, to see inside of me, to see how big and shiny and bright he was, reflected there. And then, a year in, it happened. I let go, and gave it all over to him. My love radiated like a beacon. I let it all ho, all the pain and fear, all the shame from before, and we reached this place of absolute joy together. It was even there pregnant, as hard as that wa. It has even been there since the baby died in august.

 

This man is, and will forever be the one. I read all the responses telling me that he doesn't love me, that he never loved me, and I get that. I do. I understand why these words are being said, and that it looks that way. I understand implicitly.

 

But the fact is, thus man did love me. He did, and he does.

 

But fear is such a destructive force in life, and he is so very, very afraid. Of los, of change, of plummeting downward in his life. I have so very little to offer him outside of myself. He and she are established members of their sleepy bedroom community. Twenty seven years married, assets, lavish lifestyle, successful, incredibly smart and talented young sons. Their financial situation is beyond many if ours, and that's an understatement. I have myself, and god help me, who among us, with so little to give, expects someone who has it all to lay it all on the line for us? I never did. Not once. Not even pregnant with his child.

 

Had he been an average man, with an average wife and life, perhaps I wouldn't have been this way.

 

But he's not. She's not.

 

So, I expected nothing. I actually feared him ever being with me. I'm not some highly connected, linkd in business sharkette. I work in health care. I'm a single mother now. Him, being with me, would be a fall from grace in so many ways.

 

I hate that I'm about to say this, but I really can't blame him. Twenty seven years of acumen and memories and accumulated assets, down the drain, for some silly affair with a girl who never realized her full potential, grappling, as I did for years, with one abusive dysfunctional situation after the other.

 

I sit here today, thirty six hours NC, and blame myself. Maybe he wouldn't have been so afraid if I was wealthy, if I had so much more to give. I was middle class, before the pregnancy, my husband was a successful carpenter who made a great deal more money than most in his trade. After it all went down, there is just me, not flush with wealth, loving him but no one who could keep him afloat.

 

The official story us that his youngest is still home and will be until fall. I absolutely understand that. My own parents stayed married until I went off to school. I am fine with that. But. This whole NC started because I'm not so sure if he's not wasting my life, leaving me dangling, alone, with a bucket full of terror in his heart that will continue on well into the time period that his children are all off and gone. I sassed him the other night when he mentioned our future. I don't know why.

 

Maybe I know. Maybe I know that if a man couldn't be with me carrying his child, losing his child, he will never, ever have it in him. No matter what.

 

He would have been there with me, when the baby lay dying in that dim room. I know he would have. But he lives in terror of his wife. He says no, he doesn't, but I'll be da med if I've ever seen a man skidaddle home as fast as him when we are out once a week. Even in the week or two after the baby passed, he'd rush home, panicked. Nine fifteen is the godball, so he can make it to her by nine thirty. I remember four days after it happened, we were hugging in the parkinglot of a pace, talking, and he looked at the time and startled. Gotta ho, baby! It's that time!

 

I was, still bleeding heavily, wearing the massive pads the hospital had given me, and I burst into tears and broke away from him and ran to my car. Four days. I hadn't even gotten the baby back from the crematorium.

 

I wept all the way home.

 

We've had a few incidents like that since then. And as each one happens, the sadness is less in me, and the anger is stronger.

 

I feel like she is... some kind of...golden god, to motivate such fear in him, such an urge in him to comfort her and make her feel ok, like everything is in place. Like she must really be so incredibly important to him, despite his claims of love for me.

 

Leaves me bleeding and crying at my car, rushes home.

 

Check.

 

Tells me on a Thursday that he won't be able to see me on our Monday day slot, because it's labor day, and she'll be home. That well have to wait until wednesday, nearly a week later. This was two weeks after the death.

 

Check.

 

 

And I know he wants to be with me. It's not callous indifference or neglect, lack of love. It's pure fear that she'll see something is off, and come in for the kill.

 

They share the same bed. That breaks my heart. And yes, I'll sound naive if I say there's none if that, but there isn't, and I trust that. But the closeness kills me. The thought of him sliding into bed with my scent on him, and making married small talk as I sit in tears on my mothers couch alone....what a kick in the face.

 

He doesn't think I'm worth it now, kid finishing high school, money, life...but he let's me know I may be, soon, or soon enough, when he can "make the leap."

 

I made the leap with his child growing inside of me. I slept in my own driveway for two nights with no where to go yet, so I didn't have to leave my little boy inside our marital home. I held a tiny unbreathing child he never saw with his eyes.

 

I wasn't worth it, through all of that. How am I to believe I ever will be?

 

I miss him terribly. Makes me sound crazy, I know. But the thing is, I understand a lot about fear, and panic. I lived there for years and years, never leaving my abusive ex, because of what it would do to my son. But becoming pregnant and having to face down the entire town, it seemed, my inlaws, coworkers, everyone...becoming THAT woman. I got fierce. It taught me that nothing, absolutely nothing anyone thinks, matters.

 

Maybe someday he will get to this place, and be able to treat me with the love I deserve. No more hiding. No more shame. Maybe we'll share a life someday.

 

But he needs to get there on his own. The more he us with me, the more he has it all. Why ever consider me a real thing, when I'm there, all over him, a few times a week?

 

They get the wife, the esteem, the comfort, and the love of their life. And we get...shame.

 

I want a man to walk down the street with me someday, in love, not in fear.

 

I hope it will be him.

 

But I'm not holding my breath anymore. His anger at me for slightly rocking the boat sunday night, and speaking up, has taught me a great deal.

 

I don't want to deny you the feelings he has for you. Perhaps he does have feelings for you. However remember, he is an amazing liar how could you be so convinced it's only his wife he gives his best performance to?

 

You have said it yourself, all you have known is dysfunctional abuse in relationships one way or another. How do you see this different?

 

He is not going to see your dead child the same way you do. I really think you see this child as this amazing connection you both share. This may be the case with you, it is NOT the same for him. He shares the miraculous connection with his own wife, they have two living boys who they have shared thousands of life's experiences with, together. The two experiences do not compare. I am imagining he was there for every moment of her pregnancy and their birth. It never had a time limit, he wanted to be there. He chose to be there.

 

I might be coming off harsh. I have lost babies. I've been devastated, however the connection I share with my partner is with our 5 living children not our 3 dead ones. I REALLY hope that one day you see the difference and in your "update" (Thank you by the way) you might be opening your mind to seeing this.

 

Your MM is NOT just making marital chitchat. They ARE having sex. I could be frequent or infrequent but they are no matter what he tells you. This is a guarantee, many have described sex with their BS during their A amazing. Some WS have confessed that they over preform to sway suspicion. Please don't count he isn't betraying you in this area. They certainly don't have a "sex-less" marriage.

 

He is not the man you deserve and he certainly wasn't the man your child deserved. He didn't give your child the dignity he deserved in life nor in death simply by how he treated his child's mother, you. If his wife was to all of a sudden be going through similar circumstances or got gravely sick he would be there every moment possible. You, again would be put on the back burner. She is his wife. His children's mother. She is his first choice. Period.

 

Lastly, (I am going to sound perhaps very insensitive) your dead child needs to be laid to rest. Holding on to his bag of ashes is not healthy for you, your living child nor is it giving your unborn peace. Your baby has a huge burden to carry even in death. Please consider a peaceful/beautiful place to be let him be. Not forgotten however remembered.

 

Please try to find peace. The best start.... NC. Congratulations on taking a great first step in recovery.

[gettingstronger]

YIKES, you write of a horrible situation as if it was some love fantasy- this man is not good for you- he has not chosen you- he puts you last- yet you write as if its Romeo and Juliet- please, for your own sake- stop, just stop- all the flowery language in the world does not cover up your hurt and pain at the hands of this person-

 

Take the blinders off and begin healing- this is not some Greek Tragedy or star crossed lovers thing- its your life- take charge and move forward-

[anika99]

OP you tell your story like it's a Disney fairy tale rather than real life. You have turned all the players into ridiculous caricatures. Your MM is the dashing perfect handsome prince who wants nothing more than to be with his true love which is you, the always sweet and adoring innocent princess but the prince and princess are being kept apart by the evil terrifying all powerful queen wife. Perhaps a pumpkin will become a carriage and some mice will turn into beautiful white horses and they will take you to your prince after he finds a way to slay the terrifying queen wife and forever escape the clutch of her evil bony fingers. I noticed that you even referred to yourself as a girl rather than a woman and yet you are 40 years old and I don't think your prince is coming.

 

 

I understand that you suffered a great loss in losing the baby and you should to take all the time you need to grieve that loss but perhaps it's time to dial back the Romeo and Juliet drama. You have just been through a divorce and the divorce didn't just happen to you. Remember you have a little 7 yr old boy who has also suffered a great upheaval and change and he needs his mother to be engaged in his well being. He doesn't deserve to come in second in importance to some married guy that picks you up twice a week for a "session" in his truck. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but your MM is just some cheating married guy who lies his face off to both his wife and his OW and you giving him such a high place of importance shows that your priorities are seriously out of whack. Your seven year old son is a much higher quality person than your MM will ever be and he should be getting the lions share of your concern and attention.

[Popsicle]

It has to be the MM's idea that he wants to have a baby with you before he'll be happy about it. His idea, not yours. Otherwise, anything that comes out of their mouths about a baby is a lie. I don't recommend any OW get pregnant.

[Lurkeraspect]

OP you tell your story like it's a Disney fairy tale rather than real life. You have turned all the players into ridiculous caricatures. Your MM is the dashing perfect handsome prince who wants nothing more than to be with his true love which is you, the always sweet and adoring innocent princess but the prince and princess are being kept apart by the evil terrifying all powerful queen wife. Perhaps a pumpkin will become a carriage and some mice will turn into beautiful white horses and they will take you to your prince after he finds a way to slay the terrifying queen wife and forever escape the clutch of her evil bony fingers. I noticed that you even referred to yourself as a girl rather than a woman and yet you are 40 years old and I don't think your prince is coming.

 

 

I understand that you suffered a great loss in losing the baby and you should to take all the time you need to grieve that loss but perhaps it's time to dial back the Romeo and Juliet drama. You have just been through a divorce and the divorce didn't just happen to you. Remember you have a little 7 yr old boy who has also suffered a great upheaval and change and he needs his mother to be engaged in his well being. He doesn't deserve to come in second in importance to some married guy that picks you up twice a week for a "session" in his truck. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but your MM is just some cheating married guy who lies his face off to both his wife and his OW and you giving him such a high place of importance shows that your priorities are seriously out of whack. Your seven year old son is a much higher quality person than your MM will ever be and he should be getting the lions share of your concern and attention.

 

Yes, this!