Our baby was due today and I'm devastated [Update]

[Lurkeraspect]

It has to be the MM's idea that he wants to have a baby with you before he'll be happy about it. His idea, not yours. Otherwise, anything that comes out of their mouths about a baby is a lie. I don't recommend any OW get pregnant.

 

Well, duh.

[kieraglass]

I did what someone recommended here, and opened up to my mother tonight.

 

It was a mistake. It's always a mistake. And that's why I never do it.

 

She told me MM is gone, because "he probably thinks you're an a**hole, too."

 

No. Really.

 

I wept and wept. She said, in the course of the conversation, as I was crying, that it's no wonder my abusive ex didn't kill me. As in, he could have, and should have.

 

She said that she has no sympathy for me, after all that has happened, the pieces she has picked up with this chaos, and that she really, really doesn't like me. That she should have let me end up at a shelter, when I became pregnant, and called it a day. She said the only reason she allowed me to come here last summer is because she loves my little boy, and that if I had been childless, it never would have happened. She said, sarcastically, that she regrets the money she spent on my college education, for all the good it appears to have done me, and that she should have just spent it on a condo in hawaii.

 

I raised my voice then, crying hysterically, after an hour, I finally broke after an hour, and she shouted, look at you, you nut, shut your mouth or I'll call the cops on you, you nut.

 

I have no brothers or sisters. It has always been this way. I have never, ever been able to open up to her in any way. I was attacked at a frat house as a freshman in college, raped when I was unconcious by several boys. I was a damn near a virgin. Had sex twice before in some fumbling attempts the summer before with my boyfriend. I dealt with the scandal at school, the R.A getting involved, the Dean, the fall out, and waited nine months to tell my mother. Because I knew. I knew what would happen. When I finally told her, I had become anorexic, was down to ninety five pounds. She was screaming at me about the eating disorder, why are you doing this, and I spilled about what had happened. We were on a beach together. I told her about the rape on a beach. I remember that.

 

She was devastated. But angry. She went on and on about how those kinds of things don't happen to women who make good decisions. She said she knew I should have gone to a local college instead of going away, because I couldn't handle it, I was too naive.

 

She brought the gang rape up tonight, when I tried to talk about the MM. Said remember that? All these bad decisions. All i do is pick up pieces. I had one kid, and you've been nothing but drama. On and on. I begged her to stop. I didn't want to talk about it. It's been twenty five years. But she wouldn't stop. She said that maybe if I'd been smart, I wouldn't have gotten raped, and if I hadn't gotten raped and had my head screwed up, none of this sh*t with the MM would have happened.

 

On and on.

 

And it's funny. My mother is the quietest, most soft spoken woman in public. No one, and I mean no one, sees this side of her but me. It's always been so. I would try to tell friends, as a teenager, and they would laugh. Your mom? Stop! No way. It's not possible.

 

And then, one night when I was on the phone, a friend heard her screaming at me, and believed me. I still remember that. The friend used to talk about it to everyone, how crazy it was, hearing this mousy woman flipping out. I was so glad. To have had someone finally hear.

 

She destroys me. I live in her home, she has saved me from the streets, and I am indebted. I am. But honestly, right now, all this going on, no contact with him, nothing here, nothing left, I despise her. I do. I feel as if I've nothing left. A man who used me, a volatile exH who thinks I'm scum, and this mother. This person I owe everything to who rips me to shreds.

 

I'm done. With everyone and everything.

 

All of you are right. I am in la la land, turning that man into some Romeo fantasy, making him everything even as he shows me that I am nothing. Nothing at all.

Edited January 21, 2015 by kieraglass

[solostand]

OP I am so sorry for your pain. I can literally feel it coming through my computer. I wish I had something to say to comfort you.

 

I actually believe a shelter would be a better place for you. I have been to a woman's shelter in the past after an abusive relationship. I never could have imagined going to a shelter - but I had nowhere else to go.

 

It was incredible there. Surrounded by love, understanding. They had counselling services. They helped find housing. They totally understood. Children were allowed, of course.

 

I think you should look into it because your mother is toxic and I can only imagine what its like for you grieving for two losses, and walking on eggshells.

[eye of the storm]

Kieraglass, I recommended talking to you mom. I'm sorry, I had no idea.

 

Look, the fact of the matter is, getting better, healing, moving on...all will have dead ends and "wth was I thinking"s. You tried one thing. It didn't work. Now you try another. Remember when your son was learning to walk? He didn't just stand up and stroll away. He held on to things, he fell, he got up, he took a step or two, he fell again. on and on and on till he was getting into crap you had no idea was in his reach. He didn't quit till he was walking around. You are not going to quit till you are able to find peace in yourself.

 

So your mom is a passive aggressive closet screamer. They really are a dime a dozen, so you are going to use her for a place to live and a place to move on from. She may not be the nicest person but she is putting a roof over your head for now. Treat it like that. She is teaching you how not to be with your son. Learn from it.

 

Use this as a stopping point. Its crappy for a reason, so you don't want to stay there. Get better, get your feet under you, and get walking. On to better things.

 

You are at the bottom of a pit right now. You don't have to stay there.

 

Right now you feel like everything is out of your control, it's not. You just cant see clearly because of your grief. Give yourself some forgiveness and take a deep breath and turn on the lights. Then get back to work building a better future for you and your son.

 

I am not a huge proponent of calling the wife, but in your case...I would tell that spineless a-hole that if he calls you again, your next call is to the wife. And then say "how do you like that session?"

 

edited to add: Solostand's suggestion is also an option.

[kieraglass]

Thank you, to you both.

 

MM spoke to me after 48 hours. He said his life sucks without me. That i am his life. He said he is so sorry he hurt me, with everything, and that he is absolutely miserable.

 

I'm not thrilled. Not excited.

 

Not stupid.

 

I in turn, ignored that, and simply told him the story, in a paragraph, of what went down with my mother into the wee hours, how i got three hours of sleep because if it, and told him, these are the ripples you've left.

 

I then told him, I wish I kept the child and lost all of you people.

 

Screw him.

 

And, though it's wrong, screw her.

 

I may be done with them both.

 

I'd go to a shelter, ladies, but my husband would never allow my son there. And it's too shameful.

 

I'll get out of here on my own wits and spine. I really will.

[eye of the storm]

I'll get out of here on my own wits and spine. I really will.

 

That sounded very firm. Repeat it often. Work on it.

 

Someone send me a meme the other day that I printed and put in my office.

 

"Figure out what you want in life, make a plan, then work on it every f*****g day"

 

You can do this.

 

Just like learning to walk. You will fall, you will have to hold on to things. you will get boo boos, but eventually...you will walk. After that, nothing can stop you.

 

I am cheering for you.

[bathtub-row]

It's no surprise to me at all that you have at least one parent who acts this way because someone had to have taught you to think so little of yourself. I knew it was an abusive parent who was responsible for that and your mother is truly an abuser. So, hmmm, how do I say this? You're mother is a complete and 100% idiot. The less you say to her, the better. She stands among the people that you need to cut out of your life at some point. If nothing else, you need to severely limit any time you spend with her. I'm talking about when you get yourself together and get the heck out of there. She is toxic and poisonous, just like your ex. Abusers aim to kill your spirit and your mother has been attempting to do that for a very long time. I say, get rid of all these people who have hurt you and make a nice little life for you and your son.

 

I would love to see you get out of there and find a great job and become independent. Do whatever it takes to get there. Do you live in an area where you can easily find a job? Have you been looking? What are your plans now?

[bathtub-row]

Now that's funny. What did MM say to your "ripples" comment?

 

And, I agree, don't go to a shelter. Go find a job, get independent and do not let anyone have any control over your life ever again. Even if you marry the rich married guy. Be happy to sign a pre-nup if that's what he wants, but only if it stipulates that you're taken care of in the event of a divorce. That you will be awarded a certain amount of money and never have to work again, if that's your choice. Because if you marry a rich guy, you will most likely not work while you're with him. Then, if it all falls apart, you're left in the same situation you're in right now. That's completely unacceptable. You'll need to make sure that you're always protected - from this day forward, no matter what; do not ever put your life in someone's hands again. If he doesn't agree to that, walk away. Always, always, always look out for your best interests and your son's.

Edited January 21, 2015 by bathtub-row

[kieraglass]

Thanks, guys. Good advice.

 

I have a job. I'm college educated. However, where I live the rents here are astronomical. It's about fifteen hundred a month plus utilities for a small two bedroom, on average. I look tirelessly. I'd need about four grand a month after taxes to live, pay bills, car, insurance, etc. And I don't make that. It's a bad area. Many single working educated mothers are on housing assistance and such. I should apply. I've only been here at the nut mom's six months. I may. There was something ashamed in me that didn't want assistance. But hell, living in a box would be better.

 

I'm going to look into getting a loan to finish my masters. I used to teach high school on a waiver, had to promise to get my masters by the end of five years. I got pregnant with my son and let it lapse. It coincided with the time I was to go into a program. Now I work in health care. Pays what any office job would, anywhere, which is to say, not enough to be a single mom with digs.

 

I've got options. Thank you. I appreciate your words all so much.

Edited January 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Poster request ~T

[eye of the storm]

You have a job and are college educated. You are already way ahead of most people in your situation.

 

You have options.

 

Look to the future. There is nothing to be ashamed about getting help.

 

You can do this.

[Mal78]

Here is a wonderful book: http://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

It has become clearer now at perhaps why you are so damaged to begin with that you seek validation in impossible situation.

 

Honestly, read the book.

 

Look up support groups/forums on this very topic. These are usually very private. FB has a group called, "Daughters of Narcisistic Mothers". Over 4000 members, you certainly are not alone.

 

However, with all that said. You are your own free agent and these decisions are your own and no one else is to blame.

 

Your MM'S kind and loving words only means he is fishing. He might feel you pulling away (48hr NC) and needs to maintain you right where you are.

 

Keep strong.

[anika99]

I also said you should unburden yourself and tell the truth to someone in your real life but I didn't mean you should tell someone who is abusive. Your mother was horrible to you but I have to say something about that and I honestly don't mean this in a disrespectful or hostile way.

 

 

I remember my parents going on tirades like this when I was a teenager.

They weren't anywhere near as abusive as your mother but I remember them going on and on and on about everything they thought was wrong with me while I was forced to just sit and listen because I was only a teen and didn't know what else to do. They would do this until I was around 18 or 19 which is when I started sticking up for myself and by the time I was 23/24 they didn't even bother with that crap anymore because they knew I wasn't having it. At first I fought back like a petulant child and then I would just tell them they could talk to me when they could show me some respect and treat me like an adult and then I would just walk away from them.

 

 

It seems like you are somewhat still in child mode. Instead of standing up for yourself when someone abuses you, you go into helpless victim mode and just cry and take it. You don't stand up and take ownership of your choices. When you tell your story everything you have done is all someone elses fault. I personally think your MM is scum but I noticed you blame him for absolutely everything that as happened. As if you had no choice in having an affair, becoming pregnant, divorcing your husband. Like the MM made you do these things. You even blamed him for the abuse you just received from your mother. No doubt this childish mindset is coming from the years of abuse you have been through.

 

 

I really wish you could go to a woman's shelter too. Years ago I had a friend who was a single mother and she was kicked out of her home by an abusive bf. She called me crying and I told her she could come and stay with me and my children. I myself was a single mother and living in a cramped basement suite with 2 boys. My friend said she was already at a woman's shelter but she would take me up on my offer if the shelter proved to be unbearable. Well she didn't need to take my offer because the shelter gave her so much help. They got her and her daughter clothes, she got free counselling, they helped her find employment and they got her into affordable housing. I was happy for her but I was almost jealous because when she left the shelter she moved into a nice 2 bedroom townhouse and paid less money than I did for my crappy tiny basement suite and she made more money than me! 20 years later and my friend still says going to the shelter was the best thing she ever did when she reminisces about that time.

 

 

The rents where I live are ridiculously high too. Two bedroom apartments are around 1500 a month here as well but single parents can usually get some sort of help. Even if you don't go to a shelter you should call your local social services and see if they can point you in the right direction. They should be able to connect you to some sort of subsidized housing.

[kieraglass]

Anika,

 

You're right. I cheated on my husband. I was stupid enough to get pregnant. I chose to have the baby and divorce. I own those things. I should take more responsibility, in my story. I am a cheater. And a fornicator. I fornicated.

 

Now I'm just messing around and playing. But seriously, I know what I did and who and what I am. I kick the ****ake out of myself daily for being such a nimwit as to get pregnant from an affair. No matter how badly I wanted another child after that vasectomy, I would have never, ever chosen this route. Never.

 

It was a really, really poor judgment call.

 

Like, the dumbest crap I've pulled.

 

However, the one thing I have to disagree with is the part about being a victim and just taking people's stuff, folding, crying, what have you.

 

I stand up to that crazy woman. I always have. And it makes it worse.

 

I've never taken abuse like a dormous. Never. I'm h Alf Sicilian for pete's sake. I tell people when they're out of line and being aggressive and insane and cruel.

 

I'm not sure if you realize it, but with true abusers, the kind that get off on hurting, and dont just do it by accident?

 

Standing up makes it worse. But I'll do it every time now. I actually told my mother last night that I think she's slipped a hauser. Direct quote.

 

Abusers tend to not like that sort of thing. It fans the flames in a huge, huge way. But oh well.

 

Thank you for all the housing advice. It's good. Thank you.

[kieraglass]

And of course, the MM didn't force me to do anything. But I'd be damned if I was going to abort that baby because i made a bad decision and wanted to get away with it. I had an abortion once, in my twenties. Absolutely not There was no way I would hurt that little creature so I could get out if that mess. It never even struck me.

 

I own my stupidity. Cheaterpalooza. But I think I did the right thing, by me, after the dunce cap went on. I'll never regret it.

 

I know a single mother who waited six years for section 8 housing to come through. She was pregnant when she applied, and now her kid is in first grade. She has a cute little house, for her and her son. In summer, she pays a few hundred a month, and in winter, when her income goes down, she's in agriculture, she pays less than a hundred. I'm glad for her. And jealoys, yes, too. I get that part of your post.

[anika99]

And of course, the MM didn't force me to do anything. But I'd be damned if I was going to abort that baby because i made a bad decision and wanted to get away with it. I had an abortion once, in my twenties. Absolutely not There was no way I would hurt that little creature so I could get out if that mess. It never even struck me.

 

I own my stupidity. Cheaterpalooza. But I think I did the right thing, by me, after the dunce cap went on. I'll never regret it.

 

I know a single mother who waited six years for section 8 housing to come through. She was pregnant when she applied, and now her kid is in first grade. She has a cute little house, for her and her son. In summer, she pays a few hundred a month, and in winter, when her income goes down, she's in agriculture, she pays less than a hundred. I'm glad for her. And jealoys, yes, too. I get that part of your post.

 

 

After I saw how good my friend was doing I also applied for subsidized housing and I waited over a year to get a place. That's the thing about going to a woman's shelter; you don't have to wait for housing as long as everyone else does. Women living at the shelter are given housing much sooner because they don't want the women living at the shelter for more than a few months. Also women's shelters are usually not anything like a homeless shelter. When my friend told me she was at the shelter my heart broke as I pictured her and her daughter being handed mats to throw on the floor to sleep among strangers, but shelters for woman with children are usually really cute houses made up to be warm and child friendly and woman get their own room to share with their children.

 

 

Glad to hear that you do stand up for yourself, but I didn't actually mean that fighting with your mother and trading insults with her is healthy either. People mature beyond that drama and they don't engage in childish fights. They simply walk away and refuse to give an abuser any of their time. You accept that some people cannot or will not change and you stop trying to win their approval or have anything more than a cordial relationship with them. I have completely cut a couple of people out of my life because they simply would not stop trying to have a go at me no matter how much I tried to teach them to treat me with respect. It isn't easy to do though.

[bathtub-row]

Anika, great post. The only thing I would take exception to is that true, die hard abusers cannot be reasoned with and threatening to leave them has no impact. However, having said that, that's not meant to diminish what your parents did. That was really hurtful. I'm glad you stood your ground. In Kiera's situation though, her mother is completely gone. A true abuser. Who the heck says those things to their child?? Totally horrible.

[bathtub-row]

Kiera, I don't think anyone is blaming you for deciding to keep your baby. I would've done the same. I don't think anyone is really blaming you for anything and I'm sure you know that already. You've gotten some great advice here.

 

Btw, JK Rowling was on welfare. So, there you go. It happens.

 

I'm assuming your demented ex is paying child support?

 

Please don't beat yourself up about your past. Learn from it and move on. As Oprah so often says, when you know better, you do better. You have great options and the potential to do well for yourself. But if you keep up a mental dialogue about how dumb you were, etc, it will wear you down. Don't ever let someone make you explain why you did what you did. Don't ever apologize. Just make better decisions going forward. That is all you can do.

Edited January 21, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Hope Shimmers]

I've never posted here before. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I have so little energy to write, anyway. Stayed home from work and lay in bed all day. I've never done this in my life. My marriage fell apart because if my affair, and my seven year old son is with his dad on Tuesdays, so, there I lay, immobile, staring at the wall watching the light change.

 

I met my MM two and a half years ago and fell deeply in love. It went on for nearly two years, until I woke up pregnant. My husband was emotionally and physically abusive-he even had a vasectomy behind my back when our son was a new horn. He hated babies, the screaming, and he had the surgery and told me, tough sh*t. It was a terrible marriage, filled with fear and sadness. We never shared a room in eight years. He said he hated when I would accidentally touch him in the night. I cried a lot. He was horrendous. When I met my MM, I was so ripe for the picking it was ridiculous.

 

He is kind and gentle, nine years older than me, intellectual, fun, funny...i adore him. He didn't flinch when I told him I was pregnant, and that I wanted to have the baby. He said, this will give us even more of a chance at happiness. He said he would get things in order and leave.

 

My world fell apart. I planned to tell my husband once I got housing, to be safe, but ended up blurting it out one night a week after finding out, when he heard me crying in the bathroom. My husband kicked me out of the house, threw me into the yard. I spent two nights sleeping in my car in the driveway. My mother, a town away, mercifully took me in. The world turned upside down.

 

But through it all, I held the idea of this little baby inside me, growing, thriving, and I was strong. The pregnancy went smoothly, until...it didnt. One day I woke in pain and repeatedly visited the er. Four visits, five, over the course of the week. They said I had a uti and to drink cranberry juice. They were wrong. It was an infection in my placenta, and it went undiagnosed and untreated. . After a week, I went into labor and delivered my tiny ten inch son halfway through my pregnancy. He was beautiful, perfect. He died within seconds.

 

I was alone in the maternity room, hysterical. My MM never showed up at the hospital once all week. He was afraid. He never said it, but I knew. The day after our son died, i drove myself home on the highway to my mother's alone, bleeding heavily and in shock. I gave up my whole life to do right by this child, and he was gone. I have never felt such grief.

 

We had him cremated. I have the tiny bag of ashes next to my bed and day after day, I take them out and hold them. Talk to him. I named him Caden, because it means fighter, and he fought so hard for a week to stay with me.

 

My mm was planning to leave by the end of the summer, but it was almost that time when the baby died. I know he wouldn't have. Four months later, and he's still there, now.

 

I can't get over how much I braved for a little boy who never was. My husband abused me terribly through those few months, texts, calls, threats, telling me to slit my wrists and save our son the shame of a whore mother...i lost the respect of family and friends and co workers. Everyone knew what I had done. I was honest. I had to be. I thought there would be something there, at the end, to make it all worth the pain. I wanted to be a mother again in the worst way for years, and this scandal, as shameful as it was, as much as it hurt....i was sure it meant something. That i would be rewarded for my courage, and be holding a little child again.

 

I lay there watching the light change all day today, holding the ashes in my fist, thinking about married men, and how little they understand of our sacrifices. He told no one about our son. Not even his brother, who is his best friend. I told the world. And lost everything. And now, in these past few months since the death, its business as usual. Movies, coffee dates, two hours here, two hours there, and every night alone, particularly the three nights a week that I do not have my second grader with me. I sit in my mother' s livingroom with nothing to call my own, not a pot to piss in, and I think, what on earth has happened. What on earth have I done. In two and a half years loving this man, we have spent two nights together. I have only been held by him in the night two times. The last time was eleven months ago. It's insanity, loving a ghost, like this. I lay in my mother's guest bed holding the ashes and think of him in bed with her, and I weep. There's nothing in my life anymore. No color, no sound. Just those two hours here and there with him where I feel such life, and love. And then it ends and he goes back to his careful facade, and I go back to the rubble he's left me in.

 

I hate myself for my naivete. For believing that he was worth such a leap of faith. I hate that this little baby who meant so very, very much to me died, and gave him an out. Another reason to stay with her. To not move. To be afraid.

 

He's so very, very afraid. I never was. I gave up everything for him, for this love, and he lost...nothing. He sits rooted in his fear. Stagnated. Full of platitudes.

 

I don't know where to turn. I'm looking at my child's ashes right now, and I feel such love comingled with hatred. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, now, since it happened, I drink too much wine. Not often, but occasionally, when I'm alone, no seven year old son on dad's visitation nights. I never drank alone before. I'm so different. I'm so empty. I love this man so much, and he's left me alone through it all. He's treated me with such a lack of compassion, in his fear.

 

I want it to all go away. I don't even know what I want anymore. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. Nights that don't stretch on and on in loneliness and silence

 

Sometimes, I wish I kept the baby, and lost him.

 

I'm sorry. I haven't read beyond the first page, but I have the same experience in marriage that you did, and also had the same experience in losing a child of MM's - completely alone - that you did. Except she was a girl.

 

It has taken me years to get through it, as it should.

[Tashcw]

This post makes me hurt.

 

Huge love from here.

 

I'd just like to really, really make clear some facts that your mother said.

 

No one, but NO ONE, deserves an abusive relationship. Your exH was absolutely wrong to do what he did to you.

 

From what you have written, your college education that was allegedly 'wasted', seems to have made you into a deep-feeling, articulate, well-spoken and caring woman. You've managed to raise a 7 year old boy, whom your mother loves, making you a great parent.

 

No one, but NO ONE, ever deserves to be raped. EVER. There is no decision you ever made that meant it was your fault. Ever.

 

Your mother has had to pick up some pieces. But that is what being a parent is. If your son was in an abusive relationship, I know you'd be there to support him no matter what. And I know you would never blame your son for that. That makes you a fantastic parent, and has clearly showed her as a terrible one.

 

Wishing your life away for a condo in Hawaii has just made me so, so impressed as to the person you have become. Having to deal with that type of parent is absolutely crippling, and it's no wonder people have taken advantage of you as she has given you the worst start in life to build successful relationships. This is HER fault. Not yours.

 

Ever.

 

You sound like a great person and must be very strong to have made it through what you have experienced so far. So you've made some weak decisions - who hasn't?? Everyone does in their life, this never makes them a weak person.

 

Just wanted to say to make that clear.

[jellybean89]

 

He is not going to see your dead child the same way you do. I really think you see this child as this amazing connection you both share. This may be the case with you, it is NOT the same for him. He shares the miraculous connection with his own wife, they have two living boys who they have shared thousands of life's experiences with, together. The two experiences do not compare. I am imagining he was there for every moment of her pregnancy and their birth. It never had a time limit, he wanted to be there. He chose to be there.

 

Your MM is NOT just making marital chitchat. They ARE having sex. I could be frequent or infrequent but they are no matter what he tells you. This is a guarantee, many have described sex with their BS during their A amazing. Some WS have confessed that they over preform to sway suspicion. Please don't count he isn't betraying you in this area. They certainly don't have a "sex-less" marriage.

 

He is not the man you deserve and he certainly wasn't the man your child deserved. He didn't give your child the dignity he deserved in life nor in death simply by how he treated his child's mother, you. If his wife was to all of a sudden be going through similar circumstances or got gravely sick he would be there every moment possible. You, again would be put on the back burner. She is his wife. His children's mother. She is his first choice. Period.

 

Lastly, (I am going to sound perhaps very insensitive) your dead child needs to be laid to rest. Holding on to his bag of ashes is not healthy for you, your living child nor is it giving your unborn peace. Your baby has a huge burden to carry even in death. Please consider a peaceful/beautiful place to be let him be. Not forgotten however remembered.

 

Please try to find peace. The best start.... NC. Congratulations on taking a great first step in recovery.

 

Agree. If nothing else - the bolded....how do you have ANY feelings for the man who impregnated you and then has tossed his dead child away? How do you love someone so hateful and cruel? I think you are living in a fantasy land in your head and you have got to wake up.

 

You have a living child. You keep going on and on about how the MM is your life...shame on you. Your living child should be your life! How can you forget about that child? How can you ignore the needs of that child while you cry all the time and allow a MARRIED MAN to control your emotions? I don't get that. How can you not see that you are hurting your child and you CAN stop doing that immediately! The MM is not God - he is not your future. He is a piece of crap. Get that through your head.

 

As for your mom -- I do not agree with how she treats you. That is wrong on so many levels. BUT....she has watched you make poor choices with this MM. She has watched you make him your life. She has watched you hurt your living child. She is probably fed up with your behavior about him. Heck, we are frustrated and we don't live with you and we don't have to watch you be sad and cry. YES, she has been hateful and mean and a piece of crap...but look at what your actions are doing to your child? All she knows is you have been involved with a married man and got pregnant by him. She is watching you make bad bad choices. I believe you need to get away from her. Finances are tight, but you know what - with determination, strength and courage, you CAN turn your life around. You CAN fix your life. Your top priority is to STOP engaging in an affair. And that is an easy decision. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but if you want to start your life over, do what is required and end the affair.

 

Then, focus on yourself and your child. THOSE are the TWO MOST IMPORTANT people and you must love them BOTH. Until we are dead, we have time to change our lives. Do you want your child's childhood memories to all be about mom being sad and crying all the time? Of course not...so make the changes needed.

 

Look online for someone wanting a roommate. Join a support group for single mothers. Get yourself and your child into counseling. STAND UP and be accounted for and stop letting men treat you so horribly. FIGHT for your life and the life of your living child.

 

Maybe you can move? Maybe you can start over in a new town? I don't know of your custody arrangement, but maybe you can do something to give yourself a new life and a new life for your child in a different town?

 

Number one priority - love yourself. The death of a child is something you won't get over, but you also need to ensure the living child is the focus of the future. Put the past to rest - learn from it, but move forward. It is the only way you are going to heal.

[Apparition]

I've never posted here before. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. I have so little energy to write, anyway. Stayed home from work and lay in bed all day. I've never done this in my life. My marriage fell apart because if my affair, and my seven year old son is with his dad on Tuesdays, so, there I lay, immobile, staring at the wall watching the light change.

 

I met my MM two and a half years ago and fell deeply in love. It went on for nearly two years, until I woke up pregnant. My husband was emotionally and physically abusive-he even had a vasectomy behind my back when our son was a new horn. He hated babies, the screaming, and he had the surgery and told me, tough sh*t. It was a terrible marriage, filled with fear and sadness. We never shared a room in eight years. He said he hated when I would accidentally touch him in the night. I cried a lot. He was horrendous. When I met my MM, I was so ripe for the picking it was ridiculous.

 

He is kind and gentle, nine years older than me, intellectual, fun, funny...i adore him. He didn't flinch when I told him I was pregnant, and that I wanted to have the baby. He said, this will give us even more of a chance at happiness. He said he would get things in order and leave.

 

My world fell apart. I planned to tell my husband once I got housing, to be safe, but ended up blurting it out one night a week after finding out, when he heard me crying in the bathroom. My husband kicked me out of the house, threw me into the yard. I spent two nights sleeping in my car in the driveway. My mother, a town away, mercifully took me in. The world turned upside down.

 

But through it all, I held the idea of this little baby inside me, growing, thriving, and I was strong. The pregnancy went smoothly, until...it didnt. One day I woke in pain and repeatedly visited the er. Four visits, five, over the course of the week. They said I had a uti and to drink cranberry juice. They were wrong. It was an infection in my placenta, and it went undiagnosed and untreated. . After a week, I went into labor and delivered my tiny ten inch son halfway through my pregnancy. He was beautiful, perfect. He died within seconds.

 

I was alone in the maternity room, hysterical. My MM never showed up at the hospital once all week. He was afraid. He never said it, but I knew. The day after our son died, i drove myself home on the highway to my mother's alone, bleeding heavily and in shock. I gave up my whole life to do right by this child, and he was gone. I have never felt such grief.

 

We had him cremated. I have the tiny bag of ashes next to my bed and day after day, I take them out and hold them. Talk to him. I named him Caden, because it means fighter, and he fought so hard for a week to stay with me.

 

My mm was planning to leave by the end of the summer, but it was almost that time when the baby died. I know he wouldn't have. Four months later, and he's still there, now.

 

I can't get over how much I braved for a little boy who never was. My husband abused me terribly through those few months, texts, calls, threats, telling me to slit my wrists and save our son the shame of a whore mother...i lost the respect of family and friends and co workers. Everyone knew what I had done. I was honest. I had to be. I thought there would be something there, at the end, to make it all worth the pain. I wanted to be a mother again in the worst way for years, and this scandal, as shameful as it was, as much as it hurt....i was sure it meant something. That i would be rewarded for my courage, and be holding a little child again.

 

I lay there watching the light change all day today, holding the ashes in my fist, thinking about married men, and how little they understand of our sacrifices. He told no one about our son. Not even his brother, who is his best friend. I told the world. And lost everything. And now, in these past few months since the death, its business as usual. Movies, coffee dates, two hours here, two hours there, and every night alone, particularly the three nights a week that I do not have my second grader with me. I sit in my mother' s livingroom with nothing to call my own, not a pot to piss in, and I think, what on earth has happened. What on earth have I done. In two and a half years loving this man, we have spent two nights together. I have only been held by him in the night two times. The last time was eleven months ago. It's insanity, loving a ghost, like this. I lay in my mother's guest bed holding the ashes and think of him in bed with her, and I weep. There's nothing in my life anymore. No color, no sound. Just those two hours here and there with him where I feel such life, and love. And then it ends and he goes back to his careful facade, and I go back to the rubble he's left me in.

 

I hate myself for my naivete. For believing that he was worth such a leap of faith. I hate that this little baby who meant so very, very much to me died, and gave him an out. Another reason to stay with her. To not move. To be afraid.

 

He's so very, very afraid. I never was. I gave up everything for him, for this love, and he lost...nothing. He sits rooted in his fear. Stagnated. Full of platitudes.

 

I don't know where to turn. I'm looking at my child's ashes right now, and I feel such love comingled with hatred. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, now, since it happened, I drink too much wine. Not often, but occasionally, when I'm alone, no seven year old son on dad's visitation nights. I never drank alone before. I'm so different. I'm so empty. I love this man so much, and he's left me alone through it all. He's treated me with such a lack of compassion, in his fear.

 

I want it to all go away. I don't even know what I want anymore. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. Nights that don't stretch on and on in loneliness and silence

 

Sometimes, I wish I kept the baby, and lost him.

 

 

 

First of all, I would like to say I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to even type that out and I am so very sorry you are going through this right now. As for your husband, I'm glad that you left him because it sounds like a very toxic marriage which no one should be in, and although I don't agree with cheating, I can understand the fear you must have had while being in that marriage, and to have someone such as the MM to come along and brighten up your dark day, it would seem that was your drive as well as having the child. Overall, you seen a happy future with this man, a baby, and basically a happy family that you did not have at that time. A happy you, even. Unfortunately, this man who made you happy is married to another woman, a woman who I also feel sorry for in all of this because she does not know her husband is at times, laying in another woman's bed, a woman who is going through a very horrendous time right now by losing his baby (I think you said it was his?) and to be quite honest with you I don't believe he would have ever left his wife even if you had the baby, and that sounds very harsh but I strongly believe that.

 

If he truly loved you, and truly wanted to be with you, he would go through whatever means necessary in order to be with you at the end of the day. Instead, he comes to you for a few hours, leaves and goes back to his home, his wife, her cooking etc. As I try not to judge him, I can't help but think he will always want you as his side dish, instead of his main.

 

I honestly am truly sorry about your situation, but I hope you do not stay with this man, either. I hope that you know you are worth more than what both of these men have offered you and I hope you find strength to over come all of this.

[kieraglass]

Thank you.

 

Because of the support I've received here, opening up for the first time, I don't believe him anymore. All the things he says, persistently. ..they used to be so amazing to me, so...everything. I licked them up with a spoon.

 

We've spent time together this week. And he lays it on thick, as he always has. I feel so differently. I actually roll my eyes. He hasn't seen, but, still, it's so unlike me. I don't believe him anymore, at all. I forced him to admit the baby's death must have been a relief the other night. Pressed. And he actually said, among hemming and hawing and no and no way, "god no, I mean kinda, but..."

 

It lives in me now, that word. Kinda.

 

I don't know what is going to happen. I still love him very much, and I probably always will. But I feel like I'm a bit behind glass all of a sudden, watching this, watching myself, and my behavior all this time. Like I'm splitting into two people. The woman who ate his shtick and proclamations up with a spoon, so desperate to be fed, and this new woman, who is quiet and still and watchful and strong.

 

I would like to be with him some day if I can find forgiveness for him, for what he did in his fear and selfishness, to me, to our child, and even to his family, who live spoiled and unaware and ultimately so very dishonored by him and his lies and this wild dramatic double life he leads. My ex husband is an abuser, and he is mean and nasty and cold, but he has a heart in there, I've seen it. He isn't the way he is because he is all bad. He is the way he is because he is broken,, and I forgive him. This whole thing hurt him terribly, and I hate that I had to be honest, tell him about the baby, that i had to hurt him more than he already was even long before he met me.

 

But at least my husband knows now. I never kept him spoiled and in la la land as I swept my deceit under the rug. He can move on now. From chaos comes truth.

 

My lover thinks he is doing the right thing, but the truth is, he's created this land of falseness and toxicity, for them, for me, for everyone. No one has the real of him, the whole of him. I don't know how he does it. I almost feel badly for him. As awful as this has been for my ex and my child and me, at least it's. ..real. And we can heal. There is a foundation of truth beneath the three of us, in the pain I've made for us. It sucks, and it's awful, but it's not some fake world and I'm glad, at least, for that.

 

I roll my eyes. Sure you love me. Sure I'm your world. Suuure.

 

I'd love to believe it. And I very much used to.

 

But now, I'm rolling my eyes and it's a start.

Edited January 23, 2015 by kieraglass

[eye of the storm]

quiet and still and watchful and strong

 

Kieraglass, put this on post-its and put them everywhere.

 

I used to put stickies all over my house with affirmations. After awhile...I started to believe them. I didn't at first, but when you repeat anything often enough, good or bad, you start to believe it. So start posting things about how strong you are, what a good mom you are, how valuable you are, what a good son you have....the list is endless. Every time you pass one, read it. Think about it.

 

It is tough what you are going thru. But you are tougher.

[evanescentworld]

......I forced him to admit the baby's death must have been a relief the other night. Pressed. And he actually said, among hemming and hawing and no and no way, "god no, I mean kinda, but..."

 

It lives in me now, that word. Kinda.

 

Ghah! I mentioned this to you, god how I wish I could have been wrong.....

 

....I feel like I'm a bit behind glass all of a sudden, watching this, watching myself, and my behavior all this time. Like I'm splitting into two people. The woman who ate his shtick and proclamations up with a spoon, so desperate to be fed, and this new woman, who is quiet and still and watchful and strong.

 

This is remarkably good. In fact, it's brilliant.

If you will forgive the digression for an instant, this is actually one of he lessons learnt in Buddhism (no proselytising, I promise!).

"we" are taught that life is like watching a movie of ourselves - and we are both actor and observer.

But if we can begin to appreciate that the Observer is more authentic, more grounded, more perceptive.... The Observer understands what is 'real' and what is 'Mind-Wrought'.

All these little stories, these little tales, these little lies we tell ourselves. The scenarios we invent, the desires and hopes we nurture.... We need to appreciate them for what they are. Mental fantasies.

 

Based on... what?

 

Based on our perceptions and ideals, based on what we want the outcome to be, rather than permitting the outcome to transpire....

 

Life is largely Mind-Wrought.

Our memories sometimes play tricks on us, our dreams are as-yet unfulfilled fantasies....

All within our Minds.

This is why it's important to 'observe'. Evaluate from an 'outside position'....

balance things up according to what 'is' not according to what script we write....

 

I would like to be with him some day if I can find forgiveness for him, for what he did in his fear and selfishness, to me, to our child, and even to his family, who live spoiled and unaware and ultimately so very dishonored by him and his lies and this wild dramatic double life he leads.

 

You know what? he doesn't deserve your forgiveness.

Not until he sees what he has manufactured: A generally destructive, damaging and degrading, utterly self-serving an selfish outcome.

And not until he owns it, steps up to the plate and does everything within his power to remedy the destruction.

 

 

 

I roll my eyes. Sure you love me. Sure I'm your world. Suuure.

 

I'd love to believe it. And I very much used to.

 

But now, I'm rolling my eyes and it's a start.

And he deserves to know that you eyeroll.

 

he NEEDS to see just what a liar he is, and that you don't buy it.

 

And you need to stop seeing him.

 

Seriously, you do.

because this man is a worse abuser than your husband.

At least - as you point out, he was who he was.

This man is a liar, he is a deceiver and he is placating you and trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

 

Not only is he cruel.

He's taking it that you're stupid enough to keep believing him, and will keep giving him what he comes to you for.

Until, that is, he clock-watches, and 'Must go'...!!

 

Really??

I mean - REALLY - ?!

[kieraglass]

Awesome Evan is awesome.

 

Laughing my *** off.

 

True. Too, too true.