Our baby was due today and I'm devastated [Update]

[kieraglass]

I say gah all the time in texts and such. But I spell it so.

 

Gah.

 

Funny.

 

Life is gah.

[evanescentworld]

Awesome Evan is awesome.

 

Laughing my *** off.

 

True. Too, too true.

 

I suspect (hopefully) that you're laughing your *** off because it's been an "O-M-G!!" 'lightbulb' moment....

 

I'm honestly NOT awesome.

I'm just normal.

But we outsiders can see it. A mile off.

 

You, you poor thing, in the midst of it, can barely perceive your hand in front of your eyes, so dense is the thicket....

 

But how wonderful it is that you are 'laughing'....

[kieraglass]

I'm wondering today if one can remain in an affair, after a, eureka moment, or if the inevitable happens and it just slowly dies out due to one's sudden insight.

 

He told me he wants me to wait for him. That we will, indeed, see this through and be as in love in the open as we are now, in the shadows.

 

I'm putting it in the hands of a higher power. God? I don't know. But I'm not going to obsess on it any longer, and I'm not going to let his inability to show that he truly loves me define me. Tomorrow night I'm going to check out an AA meeting. I do not believe I'm an alcoholic in any way, but the past month, with the baby's due date approaching, has seen me drinking wine alone when my son is not with me on dad's nights. I've gone from being someone who rarely drinks, to someone weeping on the front steps with a wine glass. Maudlin. Staring at the photos of the baby dead. Taking in every detail of him, the freckle on his cheek, the button nose, the way his eyes looked so much like my lover's. Tiny fingers, tiny toes. Cradled inside of the small knit hat he couldn't wear, because he was so small.

 

It's sick. Buzzed, alone, weeping outside in the cold over these photos, while he sits home laughing, happy, comfortable, watching movies on the couch with his wife and youngest son.

 

I will not be this person anymore. My little boy, the living one, deserves more. Even when he is not with me, I want to be the kind of mother he would be proud of, if he could, indeed, see me. If he had a magic mirror.

 

This man? Yes. I love him. But he's kind of taken enough from me. I let him. I won't keep letting him. I cannot.

 

I'll go to the meeting tomorrow night after work because there will be people there who understand pain and what it is to fall hard from grace and it will be good to hear them, to not be alone as I always am, sunday nights. Maybe I don't belong there. But if I don't stop this where it starts, I will belong there, for sure, some day. And I can't let that happen.

 

I'm happy. Happy sad. I see myself from the outside now. I don't like it. Buy I'm going to forgive myself, and change.

 

If he wants to be there at the end of all this, that would be nice. But if he doesn't, well, no matter. I'm going to be there for me. I haven't been in such a long time.

 

Thank you for all of this. I would have never gotten here, had it not been for this forum. I know that in my heart.

Edited January 24, 2015 by kieraglass

[evanescentworld]

I'm wondering today if one can remain in an affair, after a, eureka moment, or if the inevitable happens and it just slowly dies out due to one's sudden insight.

Did you read what you just said, there?

If the INEVITABLE hppens?

In other words, once you've had that eureka moment, you've changed the dynamics.

You can't un-appreciate what you've just woken up to. It's in your mind now, and inevitably, your view of the situation changes.

 

He told me he wants me to wait for him. That we will, indeed, see this through and be as in love in the open as we are now, in the shadows.

Balls.

Has he put a definite time-frame on it, or is this just another bag of hot air?

Do you WANT to wait for him?

Does he deserve to be waited for?

Why is he so special that you would put your life on hold for him - after all that he has put you through?

 

I'm putting it in the hands of a higher power. God? I don't know.

Ghah!!

 

Don't do that!

 

That's deflecting and releasing responsibility to something you have no knowledge of, or control over.

You might as well say 'When I go out driving tomorrow, I won't wear a belt, I'm putting it all in the hands of a higher power'....Jeesh...puh-leese!!

 

But I'm not going to obsess on it any longer, and I'm not going to let his inability to show that he truly loves me define me.

No, I think you're right.

but I think it defines HIM wonderfully.

 

Azzwhole....

 

Tomorrow night I'm going to check out an AA meeting. I do not believe I'm an alcoholic in any way, but the past month, with the baby's due date approaching, has seen me drinking wine alone when my son is not with me on dad's nights. I've gone from being someone who rarely drinks, to someone weeping on the front steps with a wine glass.

 

Good idea.

Nip it in the bud...

 

.....

It's sick. Buzzed, alone, weeping outside in the cold over these photos, while he sits home laughing, happy, comfortable, watching movies on the couch with his wife and youngest son.

Oh yes. 'Can't show you he loves you' indeed....

 

I will not be this person anymore. My little boy, the living one, deserves more. Even when he is not with me, I want to be the kind of mother he would be proud of, if he could, indeed, see me. If he had a magic mirror.

Yes, direct it where it's most needed , now....

 

This man? Yes. I love him. But he's kind of taken enough from me. I let him. I won't keep letting him. I cannot.

Which means cutting off all contact, and f=refusing to entertain him in your life one - more - day.

 

.....

 

I'm happy. Happy sad. I see myself from the outside now. I don't like it. Buy I'm going to forgive myself, and change.

That's a very positive outlook.

 

If he wants to be there at the end of all this, that would be nice. But if he doesn't, well, no matter. I'm going to be there for me. I haven't been in such a long time.

Do NOT wait for him! he isn't worth it!!

 

Thank you for all of this. I would have never gotten here, had it not been for this forum. I know that in my heart.

 

(((hugs!!)))

[anika99]

I think when people say they are turning things over to a higher power they just mean that they are accepting that they have no control over other people or a certain outcome and that is a very good realization to come to. It's not said as a way of relinquishing ones personal power. Remember the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I see nothing in that prayer that would encourage people to do things like go driving without a seat belt and just leave their fate up to their higher power. Please give a little credit to people for being more intelligent than that.

 

 

OP it's doubtful that you have suddenly become an alcoholic but it is a slippery slope. You could try an AA meeting but remember that there are 12 step groups for people with other problems as well. You might feel like you fit in better in a codependents anonymous group or emotions anonymous or adult children of alcoholics group. Search the different groups on the internet and pick the one that feels right to you.

[evanescentworld]

I think when people say they are turning things over to a higher power they just mean that they are accepting that they have no control over other people or a certain outcome and that is a very good realization to come to. It's not said as a way of relinquishing ones personal power. Remember the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I see nothing in that prayer that would encourage people to do things like go driving without a seat belt and just leave their fate up to their higher power. Please give a little credit to people for being more intelligent than that.

Well, the clue for me was

 

'God? I don't know'.... Hence my comment.

Seemed to me that was her intention.

I'll let her put me right, as is her prerogative.

 

But it's not yours, because here above, you are just as guilty of making suppositions, so please don't patronise me, ok?

Thanks....

[Hope Shimmers]

kieraglass, I've been thinking about your situation.

 

As others have mentioned, you come off in your posts somewhat as if you are living in a fantasy world. But I believe a big part of that is because of your excellent writing skills and your lyrical style of telling your story in words. You spin a tale, even when the tale is your autobiography. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

My concern for you is your seeming ability to "forgive" your MM for what he did to you with your deceased son. I understand what you are doing, because I did it myself for far too long. But the truth and the reality is that there is NO excuse for his not being there for his son and for you. NONE.

 

I became pregnant with my daughter (she was my 4th child; first 3 with ex-H) by ex-MM after we had been together several years. I found out about the pregnancy just shortly after he had decided to go back to his wife (he was separated through most of our relationship, so the situation was a bit different than yours).

 

Like you, I lost my daughter at 22 weeks due to placenta infection (chorioamnionitis) which led to premature labor. I will admit to being confused why they told you to "drink cranberry juice" if you had a UTI (I'm a physician), as this makes no sense. Cranberry juice does not treat a UTI; it may help prevent them. If you had a UTI you should have received antibiotics. But if you did have chorioamnionitis, there is nothing that could have been done by diagnosing it ahead of time, and it typically can't be diagnosed until the placenta is available for tissue sampling. By the time you get symptoms, it's too late. But anyway...

 

My daughter lived about 20 minutes. She would be of preschool age now.

 

My ex-MM did not acknowledge her. Not at all. He didn't reply to my messages, calls, nothing. He didn't show up or call or even send me an email or text message. My family wasn't there either, as I live 800 miles or more from all of them except my children and also because I hadn't told them at that point. I was TOTALLY alone in there, delivering my daughter and watching her die - and wanting to die myself. I never wanted to die so much as that day. So I truly, truly know how you feel.

 

I was so devastated for so long afterward that I cannot put it into words. I was below rock-bottom. I was suicidal. I have never felt like that in my life. It's indescribable to anyone who hasn't felt it, so I won't try.

 

But the point is that during this time, I was doing everything I could to justify what ex-MM did in terms of leaving me completely alone at this time and I was trying to tell myself that I could "forgive" him someday. That he had a good reason for it. Because by then he had come back around to be in my life too, although he still didn't want to talk about our baby.

 

In reality, I was just trying to postpone the inevitable - the admitting to myself that he was not who I thought he was. That the baby didn't mean anything to him - certainly nothing compared to what she meant to me. That if she had been born to his wife, it all would have been different.

 

Here is what you need to accept about your MM: There is NO EXCUSE for what he did. None. He denied his own flesh and blood. He got you pregnant with his (HIS!) son and then blew it off as it it were nothing. He let you labor and suffer alone while that child died. It meant NOTHING to him. YOU did not mean enough to him for him to even be there during this horrible time.

 

What do you think he was doing? Do you think he was wishing and hoping the baby would die? I'm sorry to say that... but I think he was. I think he didn't think of your son as a child. I think he thought of it as a problem.

 

Do you really think he would have been there when you were in labor with a normal delivery at 40 weeks, when he wasn't there during an emergency? Hell no.

 

So now this pesky little problem is gone and he doesn't have to deal with it or pollute his married life with it. Given this, of course he's back with you, because no more problem to deal with! Just you, there and willing as always.

 

DO NOT forgive this man for what he did. It's unforgivable. If you don't do this for yourself, then do it for your deceased son. You are all that your deceased son has, and he needs you to stand up for him. Do the right thing - for Caden if not for you - and get rid of this selfish, selfish man. Please.

[eye of the storm]

Kieraglass, If you listen to anyone. Listen to HopeShimmers. She has been there, she has the battle scars to prove it, and she is still on her feet.

 

I think the AA is good. Often people describe affairs in the same terms as an addiction. So maybe treating your wine and your MM both like an addiction would help. But if you feel AA isnt the group for you, find another. Just don't quit.

 

I think you will get past this and come out of it stronger. You recognize you have to get back up for your son, you understand you need to forgive yourself, and you are willing to get help. Stay focused on your end goals and you will eventually get there.

 

Still sending you strength and hugs.

[bathtub-row]

Kiera, I think you have a great plan and you're probably right about how everyone at AA will be able to relate to hitting rock bottom. I also know it's probably still a hard thing to face right now, but HopeShimmers has made excellent points. Even if you ended up with MM, would you really be able to forgive how he handled things?

 

What did you say to him when he said that he wanted you to wait for him? One thing you might say is that you need to know how to forgive him for the way he has treated you over the past months. Whatever he answers, I would recommend letting him know that he needs to be aware that you need to give it a lot of thought because you're now having problems overlooking his actions. And then do yourself a favor and stop talking to him for awhile. As long as you continue to be there for him, you're allowing him to occupy your time and energy. You're still using him as a form of support, and he thinks he can continue to use you.

 

The best thing you could tell him is to contact you when he's divorced from his wife. By then (if it actually happens), I honestly doubt that you'll want him. If you still do, the two of you have to have a conversation about his actions and about the things that have hurt you. Only then could you accept him in your life without resentment.

 

You're such a sweet, strong and special person, Kiera. My prayer for you is that you'll find a man who sees those things in you and would never let any harm come to you.

[kieraglass]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

Hopeshimmers, your story broke my heart. I am so sorry you went through this. It's so similar to my own story that I gasped outloud and covered my mouth. I undersrand, of all people, and I am so sorry. Thank you for reaching out to me. I know no one, in realiry, or virtual world, who has lost a child so far along, alone, because of a relationship with an mm. Thank you for reaching out. That small act if selflessness gave me hope, and strength. Thank you.

 

I've decided not to go to a meeting tonight. I go weeks, ten eleven days, without drinking, no sweat. Since the baby. But here and there, when the drama amps up with mm, I grab some wine in my alone nights and get all goony goo goo. Big deal. I just need to cut that minor thing out and forgive the slip and stop. I already have. He's not at home alone Maudlin over me, getting a buzz on in the quiet. Why for crap ' s sake would I give him that power over me, then. I can't, and I won't. It's submissive, depressive bs and it's over.

 

Yesterday I had a huge time of enlightenment. I see it all. What I dud, for him and his son, and how little he did for me. I see my courage and dignity, and I see his continual, continual forsaking of me. The secrecy and fear and lies that go on and on in his life as I sit, brave, facing it all alone.

 

I'm a bad*ss. And I want to BE with a bad*ss. Someone who can stand up and acknowledge me as the light and grace that I am.

 

He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how he loves having me on his arm. I see that, for what it is now, too.

 

My beauty is inside. My beauty is in what I did for him, without thought. My beauty is in my strength and my lack of fear. Not in my hair or my eyes or my body. They don't matter at all. But they matter to him. And I'm beginning to see this for what it is.

 

He's taken me down a bit. I love him so much and I let him. But I'm getting back up. Forget this overwrought focus on a man who really, really has shown what he thinks of me. It's over. Time to get back up.

 

Thank you so much.

[bathtub-row]

I'm so happy to hear you talking like this! I did have concerns about you going to AA but I thought it had some positives too. What concerned me is that you might end up labeling yourself, and you might get involved with someone who has a dicey past.

 

You'll find your feet again, Kiera. As I've said before, don't let anyone make you feel as though you need to explain or apologize for your choices. If they don't like you, then leave it at that. I learned a long time ago that finding a match for myself is a rare thing indeed. But this is great news because it makes me realize that I need to be patient and picky. You're special, you're a jewel and you have options. That puts you way ahead of the game. Love and hugs!

[evanescentworld]

My goodness, what a post, Kiera!! Fantastic, and utterly awesome, really!

 

It may well be a meaningless thing to say, but I cannot tell you how proud I am of everything you have accomplished. Truly, it's phenomenal, hats off to you. and in so short a space of time, too....

 

And I will agree with what others have said: Ignoring content, you write very well.

You're descriptive narrative is brilliant.

 

You should try to take a writing course, get a qualification under your belt and freelance articles.

 

That aside, it's such a positive thing to 'hear' you say the things you're saying.

 

Are you now going to go No Contact and 'kick him to the kerb'...as we say in the UK...

 

I pray you do.

You need to turn focus entirely on yourself.

You need to give him the cold shoulder and go into 'ignore mode', but with him still dragging on your shirt tails, it will impede your progress and recovery....

[kieraglass]

Thank you. I actually am a writer. I've published for major publications a couple of times, and write often. Have boxes of stuff, and hard drives. I haven't done nearly enough with it, but, there's still time. I write fiction. But life is stranger than fiction. I could write a memoir about all this.A screenplay. Cautionary tale extremus.

 

Thank you.

[MJJean]

I think you should write the book about this. Seriously. At least write up an outline while the details and timeline are fresh. A lot of women could benefit from a book about how tragic an affair can turn, how some men will lie and use a woman while making her believe he loves her, and how it's just not a good idea to get involved with MM. Maybe save some women from suffering similarly to what you have gone through.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you. I actually am a writer. I've published for major publications a couple of times, and write often. Have boxes of stuff, and hard drives. I haven't done nearly enough with it, but, there's still time. I write fiction. But life is stranger than fiction. I could write a memoir about all this.A screenplay. Cautionary tale extremus.

 

Thank you.

 

Good for you, Kiera! I'm also a writer (not published, but I write a lot). I wrote a "fiction" story where the main characters are based on me and xMM. Of course, he loved it (I was writing it while we were still talking and he read it voraciously). He loved my writing and said that I completely nailed his personality. Imagine that.

 

In my story, xMM leaves his wife. Truly fiction, huh? lol. The last time I had dinner with him (about 9 mos ago), he asked about my new novel. I told him some things about it and he asked, "Is it about me?" I laughed and told him that it wasn't. He was greatly disappointed. Men.

 

I'm truly SO excited for you. You really are a badass. Find that girl again and never let go of her.

Edited January 26, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you. I actually am a writer. I've published for major publications a couple of times, and write often. Have boxes of stuff, and hard drives. I haven't done nearly enough with it, but, there's still time. I write fiction. But life is stranger than fiction. I could write a memoir about all this.A screenplay. Cautionary tale extremus.

 

Thank you.

 

Kiera, I'm not surprised that you write fiction. Awesome!!!! That's what you should focus on instead of putting time into MM.

 

I am a professional writer too, but am a medical writer, so it's a lot more boring.

[bathtub-row]

Kiera, how are you doing?

[Josmatjes]

I did what someone recommended here, and opened up to my mother tonight.

 

It was a mistake. It's always a mistake. And that's why I never do it.

 

She told me MM is gone, because "he probably thinks you're an a**hole, too."

 

No. Really.

 

I wept and wept. She said, in the course of the conversation, as I was crying, that it's no wonder my abusive ex didn't kill me. As in, he could have, and should have.

 

She said that she has no sympathy for me, after all that has happened, the pieces she has picked up with this chaos, and that she really, really doesn't like me. That she should have let me end up at a shelter, when I became pregnant, and called it a day. She said the only reason she allowed me to come here last summer is because she loves my little boy, and that if I had been childless, it never would have happened. She said, sarcastically, that she regrets the money she spent on my college education, for all the good it appears to have done me, and that she should have just spent it on a condo in hawaii.

 

I raised my voice then, crying hysterically, after an hour, I finally broke after an hour, and she shouted, look at you, you nut, shut your mouth or I'll call the cops on you, you nut.

 

I have no brothers or sisters. It has always been this way. I have never, ever been able to open up to her in any way. I was attacked at a frat house as a freshman in college, raped when I was unconcious by several boys. I was a damn near a virgin. Had sex twice before in some fumbling attempts the summer before with my boyfriend. I dealt with the scandal at school, the R.A getting involved, the Dean, the fall out, and waited nine months to tell my mother. Because I knew. I knew what would happen. When I finally told her, I had become anorexic, was down to ninety five pounds. She was screaming at me about the eating disorder, why are you doing this, and I spilled about what had happened. We were on a beach together. I told her about the rape on a beach. I remember that.

 

She was devastated. But angry. She went on and on about how those kinds of things don't happen to women who make good decisions. She said she knew I should have gone to a local college instead of going away, because I couldn't handle it, I was too naive.

 

She brought the gang rape up tonight, when I tried to talk about the MM. Said remember that? All these bad decisions. All i do is pick up pieces. I had one kid, and you've been nothing but drama. On and on. I begged her to stop. I didn't want to talk about it. It's been twenty five years. But she wouldn't stop. She said that maybe if I'd been smart, I wouldn't have gotten raped, and if I hadn't gotten raped and had my head screwed up, none of this sh*t with the MM would have happened.

 

On and on.

 

And it's funny. My mother is the quietest, most soft spoken woman in public. No one, and I mean no one, sees this side of her but me. It's always been so. I would try to tell friends, as a teenager, and they would laugh. Your mom? Stop! No way. It's not possible.

 

And then, one night when I was on the phone, a friend heard her screaming at me, and believed me. I still remember that. The friend used to talk about it to everyone, how crazy it was, hearing this mousy woman flipping out. I was so glad. To have had someone finally hear.

 

She destroys me. I live in her home, she has saved me from the streets, and I am indebted. I am. But honestly, right now, all this going on, no contact with him, nothing here, nothing left, I despise her. I do. I feel as if I've nothing left. A man who used me, a volatile exH who thinks I'm scum, and this mother. This person I owe everything to who rips me to shreds.

 

I'm done. With everyone and everything.

 

All of you are right. I am in la la land, turning that man into some Romeo fantasy, making him everything even as he shows me that I am nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm so sorry for all your pain.

 

I think you need to pick yourself up and get out of that house for your sake and your sons. Don't think your son isn't being damaged by this because I assure you, he is!!

Go to a shelter and don't tell your awful mother where you are going. Just pack when she isn't around and just go. It will be good for you, they will help you.they will help you find affordable housing and a job.do it now before your son is a teenager!! Trust me on this!

 

As far as mm.....get rid of him, you are a strong woman who doesn't need a man! You can do this! Do it for you son!

[jellybean89]

You really are a badass. Find that girl again and never let go of her.

 

^^^. Exactly.