Anxious, & depressed..

[yeah]

Hello ,

Looking for some comforting words, insight, and/or any advice you may have for me tonite (even if you think I'm a jerk). I am not sure what I am even looking for response-wise right now.. it's been a long day of anxiety and self doubt, maybe I just need to get a few things off my chest. I am just so "afraid" to leave bc I fear I won't ever be so attracted to another man..and what if, what if, what if..It's been a while since I've been on here..

 

In 2010, I cut contact with my former co-worker/ ex-mm of only about 4 mos. He intermittently would continue to text me here and there after I got a new job, and we remained friends on facebook, but I never saw him again.) .. 2 years later he died in a car accident which I found out about on Facebook. I vowed it would never happen again, as the entire ordeal was one of the most painful things I ever had to go through.

 

And here I am right back where I started. New job, new mm who hates being home, doesn't wear his ring, texts into the wee hours of the night, tells me I'm the greatest thing going on in his life, swears he's going to leave any day now, only there for the kid.. yada yada yada. He SWEARS this is the first and only time he's ever cheated, and although he's in his late 30's, he is really inexperienced sexually, which is and always has been very apparent...

 

I know there are going to be people who think I'm a horrible person for getting involved in this again.. I sure do. But tonight I am in pain and have literally no where to turn.

 

MM2 and I have been "seeing" each other for about 4 mos now. We work together, and seeing him every day is the absolute worst. He is admittedly a "big flirt" (which he so charmingly revealed tonight) and I am by nature insanely jealous and paranoid and insecure. I gained a bunch of weight over the last few years (a lot I blame on getting over MM #1) and although MM2 does nothing but compliment me and tell me I don't need to lose weight...(I'm not HUGE, I'm around a size 10 in jeans) but inside I feel like no one else would want to be with me because my body is so disgusting, and for that reason I wouldn't even try.

 

It all began with simple texting, then flirtatious texting, then feeling like I finally found someone who got me. For 4 months I was able to play it cool, "here to have fun, if it turns into something more great.." "I'll only stick around until I lose enough weight that I feel better about myself to meet a decent guy who I'm also attracted to.." etc.

 

Today, I kind of went off the deep end and exposed myself. I'm not good with sharing emotion, it's not that I don't WANT to, it's more that I'm afraid once I do, people will be turned off by me, or think I'm desperate and/or pathetic.. There's a lot of pretty girls at work, and to me he is so attractive in every way, so I feel like anyone he talks to/spends time with will take him "away" from me (even though in reality my logical side knows I don't have him, and will likely never have him in any way more than a midnight hook-up. To be fair, he did take off work a few times to spend the day with me at my apartment..which pathetically, to me is like an amazing gift.)

 

Anyway, back to me sailing off the deep end.. I just had a bad vibe in my gut today. We had a meeting at work, and where he usually stops by my desk and we go together, today he walked right past the desk even though he clearly and admittedly saw me. Thinking he was coming back, I waited a bit like a fool.. then starting to heat up I went into the meeting and saw him sitting there, and he doesn't even acknowledge me. I tried not to make too much out of it (we can't be too obvious at work, especially around our superiors), but then this other chick we work with who is married, (but he used to have a huge crush on)... She walked in. I felt like I was stabbed in the gut. It was a small meeting, only about 10 people and she sat 2 seats away from him. They exchanged pleasantries, and he neglected to acknowledge me throughout the meeting.

 

Afterwards, I was so f*n furious, all kinds of crap just bubbling through my mind, (maybe he knew she was gonna be there and that's why he didn't want to walk in w me, etc..). I tend to shut down when I'm pissed, I have an extremely short fuse and I'm really passive aggressive and just awful. They were going outside to smoke after the meeting and I didn't feel like competing for his attention or flattering him.. He DID text me that he couldn't find me and was going outside.. but I was too anxious to join them.. Like a sick psychotic stalker, I stood by the window facing the smokers patio and made a phone call.. I waited there until I saw them walking back inside together, him holding the door for her. I just wanted to die.

 

I gave him major shade when he came up to my desk after to find out "what time I wanted to go to lunch.." I SO wanted to just tell him to f*** off and die, but I don't have the self worth to do so yet. I just told him I didn't know and that I was busy and he walked away... About an hour later he emailed me asking if I was going to lunch with him at 2:30.. I didn't respond. Finally he came up to my desk at 2:30, and like an idiot I walked out with him.. We were silent in the parking lot and he asked me what was wrong. I said "I'm done with this, I'm not doing this anymore." I had never attempted to cut anything off with him before, so he seemed surprised, said he would like an explanation. I told him I was sick of feeling disrespected.. I mentioned him walking past my desk and he just said he didn't realize it was a big deal-- which I know is 100% bs. We hashed it out for about 30 min during lunch, and another hour in the parking lot in my car after work. We made up, and I agreed to give him another shot now that he knows what bugs me.

 

He texted me this evening, as he always does, and we talked a bit, just shooting the breeze nothing serious, when he asks me seemingly out of the blue, "Question: Do you get jealous?" I asked him why he was asking, and he proceeded to flat out say, "I just wanted to know if that bugs you, I know I'm a big flirt." I felt once again like I was punched in the face.. I was trying to convince myself up until then that he was this quiet intellectual guy, similar to me in many ways... I was shocked he would even say that.. and THEN he proceeded to send me a screenshot of this other girl we work with thanking him for helping her today and saying how cute he looked.. Now granted, I know for a fact he is not even remotely attracted to this girl, I was still taken aback, wondering what point he was trying to make.. especially after our first real fight this afternoon.. I asked him what he wanted me to say, and he was like, "Oh I just thought you would think it was funny.."

 

My emotion ended up bursting like a volcano and I said, "Yes actually, I wasn't going to go there since we haven't been hanging out that long, but it drives me f***ing nuts when you flirt with other women at work... blah blah etc." He apologized profusely, said he was flattered and had no idea I was that upset. The conversation still felt strained and awkward, although he asked me to agree to forget about it and move forward.. I feel like a complete and total ass. I don't know if I did the right thing by getting it off my chest, irrational or not, or if I just made myself look like an even bigger loser. And even worse, why the F do I care so much!!!! Even though I am a few lbs overweight right now, I rarely toot my own horn but I know for a fact, and believe that I am smart, funny and I know other men are attracted to me in spite of not being in the best shape.. I just hate myself so much right now.

 

To top it all off I've dealt with Depression and Eating Disorders almost my whole life (I've been on every med known to man, and been to countless psychologists and psychiatrists and nothing seems to help in the long term). I'm just a walking insecure bubble of self doubt, hatred, shame, jealousy and anger.

 

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I'm sure I will be posting again.

 

Thoughts ?

[Broom]

This guy is using you to the max to boost his ego. He is fully aware that you noticed these things and got jealous.

 

What he likes are multiple women longing for him, competing over him, and getting jealous over him. That is what is giving him his ego and self-esteem boost.

 

Even if you are insanely jealous, you need to play it cool. He sent you that screenshot not "because it was funny" but to tell you that he has other women that want him and to provoke a reaction out of you.

 

Be careful with this guy. He's no good.

[gettingstronger]

Are you married or single? Have you had therapy to understand why you continue to get involved with unavailable people? Do you understand your depression, eating disorders, moods and temper are all related to something other than your affairs? You need therapy to understand you so that you can be a stronger, healthier, happier you-

 

You will not find what you need on this board or with a MM-you need to take care of you- start now- good luck, you are worth it-

[whatatangledweb]

You handled it the same way I would have. Wait until you have calmed down and explain it to him again. That you thought it was throwing it in your face and that you did not think it was funny.

 

Some people do flirt and it means nothing to them. I flirt with everyone, it's harmless not suggestive flirting. I do it with men and women. On the flip side I am a very jealous person. My first husband was very jealous so I calmed it way down. My husband now is not. He doesn't care.

 

With it bothering you , your MM should try to stop doing it.

 

As for your weight. I know several men who love women your size. They love the way you look and feel. They tell me I am way too bony . The problem isn't your weight. It is the way you see yourself. You believe the weight makes you less attractive and it doesn't. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

[anika99]

Are you in any sort of therapy right now? The last part of your post seems to suggest that you have had a lot of therapy and medication but that nothing has worked long term. Perhaps it's because you haven't found the right therapist or maybe because you haven't stuck with any one therapist for long enough to make real progress. By picking married men to get involved with you are sabotaging yourself and any efforts you make to become emotionally healthy. Losing weight will not fix you on the inside and messing with a married man will do nothing but make you even more unstable and messed up.

 

 

You know it's very unlikely that this guy will ever leave his wife for you. You are going to get hurt and then you will spiral into depression and self loathing. You need to cut this affair off now before it does real damage to you. You sound like you are already a volcano of misery just waiting to erupt.

[Mal78]

Obviously you are describing yourself having poor body image and that it has been an issue for years.

 

This might be the reason you involve yourself with men who will give you everything you need emotionally to build that esteem. "He has a wife, yet he is attracted to *me*".

 

I would be curious if men like him (I'm sure he is a great guy in many ways but let's face it, he cheats on his wife and flirts with OW while his OW) target women like you. Perhaps subconsciously, however needs a vulnerable sensitive yet intelligent women whom he could escalate to a PA quickly knowing that she will keep it all discreet.

 

That test rang true in this situation. You maintained your composure yet you were beyond furious with how he dealt with the whole situation.

 

I really think you should seek IC to sort these things out in your head. You obviously feel you are not in a good place and I'm sure you haven't dealt with the devastation that has occurred in the past 2 year.

[Quiet Storm]

You do need more counseling for your self worth issues.

 

I see a sense of resignation. You accept your faults and weaknesses, but have this attitude like you can never improve. I think emotionally healthy people accept their faults and weaknesses, but use that information about themselves to make better choices in their life. You, on the other hand, seem to just resign yourself to the fact that "I'm only good enough for married guys", "I'm jealous", "I'm paranoid", "I'm a loser", etc. So instead of using your self awareness to improve, you just give into the negative and wallow in your faults and shortcomings.

 

You need to learn to love yourself. When making choices, pretend that you are your own child, a child that you want to protect and have their best interests at heart. If you make all your choices with that in mind, then you will learn how to protect yourself, from yourself. You will learn to avoid people and situations that are not good for you, instead of just being driven by your feelings. When MM starts to flirt with you, you can recognize the need to protect yourself and keep your distance- because you know MM makes you weak. When you see MM with another girl, instead of seething with jealousy, soothe yourself. Tell yourself you will be OK, this cheater is not worth getting jealous over. If a child you love was living your life right now, what could you do to protect that child? From people that have the potential to harm her? From acting out based on emotions? From doing things that she knows she will regret? See, the thing that is missing here is love for yourself. You treat your own self like you aren't worth it. You are smart enough to see your mistakes, but the low self worth makes you unmotivated to change. Sometimes, viewing yourself like a child, can make you feel a love for yourself that you never felt before. You are an adult and don't have parents to yank you back to the curb when you run out in the street. But you can do that for yourself, you know.

 

Nothing about your life is going to change unless you begin to make better choices. You are a step ahead of some OW because you already know what your issues are. But simply acknowledging them won't prompt change. You have to have the drive to be a better person. You have to look at the state of your life and really want to change it. You can't just tell everyone you are a "insecure bubble of self doubt, hatred, shame, jealousy and anger" and expect that your life will turn out good. You have to work to change those negative traits about yourself, and love yourself enough to put the effort in. You only get one life, and these kinds of issues will follow you around like a black cloud for your entire life. But they don't have to. You have the power to change the outcome.

[Broom]

You do need more counseling for your self worth issues.

 

I see a sense of resignation. You accept your faults and weaknesses, but have this attitude like you can never improve. I think emotionally healthy people accept their faults and weaknesses, but use that information about themselves to make better choices in their life. You, on the other hand, seem to just resign yourself to the fact that "I'm only good enough for married guys", "I'm jealous", "I'm paranoid", "I'm a loser", etc. So instead of using your self awareness to improve, you just give into the negative and wallow in your faults and shortcomings.

 

You need to learn to love yourself. When making choices, pretend that you are your own child, a child that you want to protect and have their best interests at heart. If you make all your choices with that in mind, then you will learn how to protect yourself, from yourself. You will learn to avoid people and situations that are not good for you, instead of just being driven by your feelings. When MM starts to flirt with you, you can recognize the need to protect yourself and keep your distance- because you know MM makes you weak. When you see MM with another girl, instead of seething with jealousy, soothe yourself. Tell yourself you will be OK, this cheater is not worth getting jealous over. If a child you love was living your life right now, what could you do to protect that child? From people that have the potential to harm her? From acting out based on emotions? From doing things that she knows she will regret? See, the thing that is missing here is love for yourself. You treat your own self like you aren't worth it. You are smart enough to see your mistakes, but the low self worth makes you unmotivated to change. Sometimes, viewing yourself like a child, can make you feel a love for yourself that you never felt before. You are an adult and don't have parents to yank you back to the curb when you run out in the street. But you can do that for yourself, you know.

 

Nothing about your life is going to change unless you begin to make better choices. You are a step ahead of some OW because you already know what your issues are. But simply acknowledging them won't prompt change. You have to have the drive to be a better person. You have to look at the state of your life and really want to change it. You can't just tell everyone you are a "insecure bubble of self doubt, hatred, shame, jealousy and anger" and expect that your life will turn out good. You have to work to change those negative traits about yourself, and love yourself enough to put the effort in. You only get one life, and these kinds of issues will follow you around like a black cloud for your entire life. But they don't have to. You have the power to change the outcome.

 

Thank you.

[jellybean89]

Why are you seeming to beg for his attention? He isn't worth it. He is married. He is a married cheater. You probably aren't the first and you won't be the last.

 

VALUE yourself more. Come on....you KNOW you deserve better, but you are settling for crumbs from this jerk. He doesn't respect you, nor does he respect his wife. STOP allowing him to use you for his own ego feed.

 

I hope you learn to love yourself more than allowing this to continue. The longer you go, the worse emotionally you are going to get and you will end up having a full on meltdown at work.

[GirlStillStrong]

You are being played.

You need to dump this guy, stay out of relationships for a while, and start working on YOU.

[Hope Shimmers]

Honestly... to me this sounds like things that happen in junior high. This man sounds incredibly immature, and also very egocentric and probably lacking in self-esteem.

 

You definitely lack self-esteem, and you seem to understand that. Do you see that these kinds of interactions with a married man are not only wrong, but they are really juvenile, with him trying to "impress" multiple women and get attention? Why would you care what such a person thought about you, since he is a user for his own ego with no respect or appreciation for the person who is giving him the attention? Why would you not say, "Who CARES what this juvenile insecure man thinks?" or even why would you think about him at all?

 

If you recognize that you need help for your self-esteem, then get it. Stop giving all of your self-respect to idiot loser tiny little men who lack enough self-confidence to be men on their own merit.

[yeah]

So.. first to update on the last post, we talked everything out and he clarified that by the *big flirt* comment he only meant that he likes to tease/make jokes, etcc.. I informed him that I looked at flirting as "fishing" which he wholeheartedly denied and said we had two completely different definitions of the word. He said some really kind words, and we hung out a bit after work last nite and talked until 2 am. Today was a really good day at work as well, we had awesome chemistry all day and had a bunch of laughs together... Now this: ?

 

MM always comes over one nite per week, usually around 12, and stays til 2-2:30. He said he was coming over early tonight (9:30-10) and it's now 10:40 and I haven't even heard from him. He's never *not* texted if he was going to be late. UGH!!!!! I texted him at 10:20 and he hasn't replied. I can see on the facebook app he hasn't been online in 2 hours, so he may not have his phone on him but wtfs? Go pretend to take a crap and take your phone into the bathroom so I'm not sitting here wondering, I can't deal with this sh*t right now. I feel like eventually he's going to text me tonite, and say he's sorry some BS came up. I literally feel sick. I feel like I'm gonna puke right now.

 

If he does text me at some point and plans to come over, do I flip out- even though we usually hang out much later? Do I say forget it gfy (even though I reallly want to see him)?

 

Why do we become so addicted to these f heads? My logical brain knows that there are roughly 4 billion women on the planet that are happy and functioning w/o this particular MM, why can't I be?

[Satu]

Do you not think that you deserve something better than this?

 

Seems like a total waste of time to me.

[yeah]

Thank you for responding.. I'm really really upset right now, I feel so sick and anxious and used and you name it. I wish I had some anti-anxiety medication right now bc this is just about the worst emotional fear.

In response to your question, I guess I don't feel like I deserve better. I like to think I am just so rarely attracted to anyone at all that when I am, I get super attached... But I'm sure it runs a lot deeper than that...

Still no word... I just called my mom (who is completely and utterly against the entire thing) and she thinks maybe he just decided he doesn't want to do it anymore... yet facebook still shows that he hasn't logged on in 3 hours... He is usually on every 5 seconds... Any ideas? I feel so sick, I couldn't even sleep right now if I tried..

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

The first thing you need to realize is that there is no "wtf" in your situation. When you get involved with a MM, these type situations are the norm and not the exception. You are not the priority. You will either need to accept it, or move on and want something better for yourself.

[Satu]

This isn't about him. Its about you.

 

You seem to be stuck in a 'rolling' panic attack.

 

You need to apply some self-soothing and self-calming techniques.

 

The first ones to try are breathing and stretching.

 

Drink some water.

 

Eat something.

 

Have a bath.

 

Tell yourself that the feelings will pass.

[yeah]

He said:

 

**** I'm really sorry.

 

This has nothing to do with you.

 

Huge f*n blowout, I'm not home right now.

 

I know it's late but please say something, even hi.

 

I debated with myself for 15 min if I should answer, finally I decided on: "What the f happened that you couldn't pick your phone up for 5 hours, all I want to know."

 

His response was:

"It was off, it was charging. I got up to leave and it became a huge issue, huge. I'm sitting in the parking lot of 7-11 just utterly ****ing depressed. It's not what I want to do. I'm more upset it caused me to not be able to contact you at all."

 

How would you guys respond? I feel so completely disrespected and used. Should I respond? Should I say stay the f out of my life? Should I show compassion? Does it sound believable?

 

 

 

....

[Satu]

You are being disrespected and used.

 

That much is obvious.

[whichwayisup]

This is the same MM from 4 years ago? You two are back together?

 

This guy still isn't leaving his wife.

 

You're his to go gal and as shi.tty as he's feeling right now, don't go running to him or allow him to run to you. Tomorrow or in a day or two, things will calm down at home and he'll do as he's always done...

 

You deserve more than being in an affair, being his OW. If you choose to stay with him, then accept things as they are - There will be times he's unreachable and you can't let you anxiety take over to the point you get sick from it. Focus on other people in your life and don't invest so much of yourself into him. Don't rely on him for everything, especially your own happiness. It's doing damage to you.

 

I hope you can see that deserve a (single) man who will be all yours, someone you won't have to share, someone who will treat you well and never make you doubt, never make you cry or feel such pain as your MM does.

 

Do what you need to do, if texting him back will make you sleep better tonight, do it. But don't get sucked in. Encourage him to call a buddy and spend the night there. I have a feeling he's gonna want you as company soon.

[yeah]

In my last post I updated, he died in a car accident 2 years ago, long after we ended it.

[whichwayisup]

In my last post I updated, he died in a car accident 2 years ago, long after we ended it.

 

Sorry, I didn't know that.

 

How long have you been with this MM?

[nikki76]

You sound like me when I was in my A. Always anxious if I wouldn't hear from him for whatever amount of time. Sick to my stomach over it, to the point where it consumed my mind. And I'm married with kids!

 

If he's not going to leave your wife, then you either get used to feeling that way or end it now. Because unfortunately, nothing will change.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Text back, "try their hazelnut coffee, it's to die for!"

[Poppy47]

It's what an affair is all about.... a really ****ty deal for anyone who is the OW and the wife who has no idea.

 

If you don't like it, leave it because most people on here will tell you it only gets worse and more difficult to leave as time goes on.

Poppy

[GollumsNightmare]

Is there an OOW? Smells like it...