Leaving the country; what does he want??

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So, there's this guy I've known for coming up on almost a year now. (A little backstory can be found here). I've had a lot of trouble figuring out what he wants and so has he. We've gone out more times than I can count but never made it past the early stages of dating with me getting frustrated with his lack of clear direction and going silent in between.

 

Yesterday he calls me wanting to talk. He asks me why I've been ignoring his calls and texts recently and I confess I'd had enough of the uncertainty. He tells me that he understands and apologizes, but was confused and put off by the fact that I was seeing other guys. I told him I'd slowed down on the multi-dating but also reminded him of the fact that he's known since the beginning that I'd stop seeing anyone else entirely if he told me what he wanted. We talk for a while and during that time he tells me he's leaving the country for a few months to take care of personal matters.

 

I tell him great, wish him luck and try to leave it there but then he says he's done a lot of thinking recently. He claims when his friends were trying to organize some going away events all he could do was think about how much he was going to miss me and how he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible before he left. I called BS and told him I wasn't going to throw him a going away lay. He gets offended, reminds me that it's "never been like that between us" (which, to be fair, it hasn't) and outlines all the stuff he wants to do with me before he leaves. It's basically a bunch of artsy type events, dinners, etc in the coming days.

 

I agreed to hang out with him but I feel at such a loss. I like him as I always have but even after all this time I still don't quite know what he wants. Especially since he's leaving for the next 1-3 months. Any ideas? Wild theories welcome.

[Haydn]

It sounds a little bit like he feels he can hook up with you whenever he wants as you told him you`d drop any other blokes to be with him, (If i read it right)

 

Since you`ve been ignoring his messages, he seems to have gone into a slight panic mode. It`s obvious you `could` be quite into this bloke. But he seems to just there for himself.

 

He is leaving the country so maybe he`s going through his little black book to see how many `flames` go into a tizz at the news.

 

Does he have his pick of the ladies? It`s seems so from the back story. I think he is playing quite a few of you, but really have no idea.

 

Did you ask him what business he needs to take care off? The response could be telling.

 

Personally if i `messed` around with a girls head in this way i wouldn`t expect her to have anything to do with me.

 

But then again it could be anything and possibly it could be a positive move on his part and he wants to give it a crack?

[PegNosePete]

How long until he leaves?

 

If it's soon (say 2 months or less), then I'd tell him to give you a call when he's back. During that call you will expect a final decision. You've been "dating" for long enough now that you can both make a decision on whether you'll become exclusive or not and form a proper relationship, otherwise you're both simply wasting time and will go your separate ways. Crunch time when he gets back.

 

If he's not leaving for a little while then you can make that same decision now. If you decide to go for it then of course you will both keep faithful while he's away.

 

That's how Id' handle it. No more mucking around. Decision time.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Does he have his pick of the ladies? It`s seems so from the back story. I think he is playing quite a few of you, but really have no idea.

 

He's charming and cute in his way plus very adventurous so I don't doubt he has his pick. We've talked about this before. We've each acknowledged that we both have quite a number of other options but that none are half so appealing. I recently brought this up again and he said something along the lines of "Sure I can have anybody, but it's you I want, it's always been you..."

Did you ask him what business he needs to take care off? The response could be telling.

 

I'm nosy as hell so of course! His mom has had issues with drugs (namely heroin and meth) in the past and she's fallen back into old ways. They're returning to her native country where rehab is much more affordable/accessible for her and where they have family residing. She's unsure whether she wants to stay there for good but he's going with her for moral support/hand-holding for a while.

 

@PegNosePete, he's leaving by the first week in February if that helps any.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Lernaean_Hydra

[gaius]

Is his native country one where homosexuality isn't readily accepted?

 

Screams like he want's to use you as a beard for social events.

[elaine567]

I think you need to get some stuff sorted out before he goes abroad otherwise you will be dangling on a string until he returns.

 

I would stop the multidating and show him you are serious about wanting a relationship with him.

Take away all the obstacles to you two making a go of it, and see if they are just excuses on his part.

Then if he shows more interest, tell him you want exclusivity and see what he says.

 

He is dilly-dallying. Call his bluff and if it is meant to be it will progress, if not, then you have an answer and you can move on.

[Frank2thepoint]

He's charming and cute in his way plus very adventurous so I don't doubt he has his pick. We've talked about this before. We've each acknowledged that we both have quite a number of other options but that none are half so appealing. I recently brought this up again and he said something along the lines of "Sure I can have anybody, but it's you I want, it's always been you..."

 

That's a nice line to use on someone to have sex, then bounce to another country for a few months until the heat dies down.

 

I agreed to hang out with him but I feel at such a loss. I like him as I always have but even after all this time I still don't quite know what he wants. Especially since he's leaving for the next 1-3 months. Any ideas? Wild theories welcome.

 

On that topic, if you two are throwing around how desirable each of you are to members of the opposite gender, why are you confused as to what he wants? I'm sure he is just as confused as you are. Neither of you ever had the courage to speak up and want more than just hanging out. Might as well just have sex with him, send him off, and maybe six months down the road you two will run into each other, and can repeat the whole thing.

[preraph]

You have told him recently and before that you're dating others and I have to assume he knows that the way to stop that is for him to commit to you as you have said you need to know what he's up to and then he doesn't get specific.

 

Any chance he's got a wife in this other country? Have you googled the crap out of him and done a background check? You should.

 

If his mom is really an addict, that means he was raised by an addict and can't have had very good modeling so he could have all sorts of problems, including addiction and a lot of emotional problems.

 

Go be with him while you can. If you're as close as you think you are, you shouldn't be getting any vague answers. If he wants you for himself, he needs to pony up and commit.

[somedude81]

I wonder if he's worried that when he leaves that you'll find a guy to replace him and you would lose interest in him?

 

I get the feeling that he's trying to leave his mark on you and hoping that you will drop all other guys and sit around waiting for him.

[salparadise]

Yesterday he calls me wanting to talk. He asks me why I've been ignoring his calls and texts recently and I confess I'd had enough of the uncertainty. He tells me that he understands and apologizes, but was confused and put off by the fact that I was seeing other guys.

 

Any ideas? Wild theories welcome.

 

 

We can only speculate, but there is something abnormal going on. Guys––normal guys at least––want sex. They don't spend a year wooing someone they aren't interested in having sex with. He doesn't seem shy or socially awkward. Do you think he could be a virgin?

 

I'm going to place my bet on overwhelming fear and insecurities that are being covered with the dominance/moralistic acts. Using his ability to be charming to attract and maintain much desired female connection, but scared to death of emotional and physical intimacy... working so hard to maintain a lose connection, and never allowing you to get close enough to threaten his soft, insecure core. He's engaging in a fantasy relationship of sorts by holding you close enough that he can convince himself that he could have you if he really wanted, yet keeping enough distance that he doesn't have to face the terrifying reality of being vulnerable.

 

Why? Because of the heroin/meth addicted mother. I bet that relationship was not normal and therefore he doesn't have the foundation for an inherent sense of worthiness and high self-esteem. So he pretends to be confident while holding you at a safe distance for fear of being unmasked.

 

That's my best guess...

[GemmaUK]

He would have bored me by now and with his going away I would see an opener - freedom.

 

 

No man is worth tedium.

[elaine567]

Preraph makes a good point, re him being raised by an addict.

 

Helping Children from Addicted and Dysfunctional Families | Alcoholics Victorious

 

Common Struggles of Children from Alcoholic/Drug-Addicted Homes

• Guessing at what is normal.
  
• Difficulty having fun.
  
• Judging themselves mercilessly.
  
• Difficulty with emotional relationships.
  
• Feeling "different" from other people.
  
• Tendency to be impulsive.
  
• Either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  
• Desperately seeking approval and affirmation.
  
• Suffering from chronic anxiety.
  
• Lacking self discipline.
  
• Compulsive liars.
  
• Suffering from a critical deficiency of self-respect.
  
• Fear and mistrust for authority figures.
  

[Lernaean_Hydra]

That's a nice line to use on someone to have sex, then bounce to another country for a few months until the heat dies down.

 

....

 

Might as well just have sex with him, send him off, and maybe six months down the road you two will run into each other, and can repeat the whole thing.

 

I don't imagine sleeping with him now would in any way improve the situation.....

[preraph]

I still wonder if he has a woman somewhere and maybe that's why he doesn't push for sex. But maybe he's thinking he wants to reserve you for the future in case he breaks up with the woman. Of course, you need to know what religion or culture he is and if they're allowed to split from wives or not too.

[MissBee]

So, there's this guy I've known for coming up on almost a year now. (A little backstory can be found here). I've had a lot of trouble figuring out what he wants and so has he. We've gone out more times than I can count but never made it past the early stages of dating with me getting frustrated with his lack of clear direction and going silent in between.

 

Yesterday he calls me wanting to talk. He asks me why I've been ignoring his calls and texts recently and I confess I'd had enough of the uncertainty. He tells me that he understands and apologizes, but was confused and put off by the fact that I was seeing other guys. I told him I'd slowed down on the multi-dating but also reminded him of the fact that he's known since the beginning that I'd stop seeing anyone else entirely if he told me what he wanted. We talk for a while and during that time he tells me he's leaving the country for a few months to take care of personal matters.

 

I tell him great, wish him luck and try to leave it there but then he says he's done a lot of thinking recently. He claims when his friends were trying to organize some going away events all he could do was think about how much he was going to miss me and how he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible before he left. I called BS and told him I wasn't going to throw him a going away lay. He gets offended, reminds me that it's "never been like that between us" (which, to be fair, it hasn't) and outlines all the stuff he wants to do with me before he leaves. It's basically a bunch of artsy type events, dinners, etc in the coming days.

 

I agreed to hang out with him but I feel at such a loss. I like him as I always have but even after all this time I still don't quite know what he wants. Especially since he's leaving for the next 1-3 months. Any ideas? Wild theories welcome.

 

No wild theories.

 

I've dealt with guys like this before.

 

They like you well enough but not enough to have a non-ambiguous relationship. They pop in and out of your life. Lay it on heavy when they pop back in and then disappear again.

 

We're all grown. We all know what we want. It doesn't take a year to figure out what you want. So if a person is always touch and go, back and forth, disappears and otherwise claims they like you but don't know what they want, take them at their word. Don't take them seriously or invest in them emotionally as whether or not it's on purpose, they're playing with your feelings. It may not be about getting laid, a man can genuinely like your company and find himself missing you or your attention without wanting it to be more than something once in a while and casual. I don't believe it takes a serious man (shy or not) one year and many dates to figure out if he wants to be with a woman. Come on...this isn't middle school.

 

You're right to have cut him off. If he doesn't know what he wants you're not obligated to wait around while he takes one year to figure it out . He's also still not offering you anything right now before he leaves. So be honest with yourself. If this hanging out and closeness before he leaves is going to just increase your feelings for him, don't do it, because he has an easy out now to say he's leaving. If you can hang out casually without expecting a thing, fine. But my inkling is that you like this guy and want more or else this wouldn't even make it to the forum for a thread, as if you didn't care either way it wouldn't even be an issue.

Edited January 14, 2015 by MissBee

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Is his native country one where homosexuality isn't readily accepted?

 

Screams like he want's to use you as a beard for social events.

 

Why must you always suggest this guy is gay Gaius? WHY!?

 

I still wonder if he has a woman somewhere and maybe that's why he doesn't push for sex. But maybe he's thinking he wants to reserve you for the future in case he breaks up with the woman. Of course, you need to know what religion or culture he is and if they're allowed to split from wives or not too.

 

He's an atheist and he's Mexican and Colombian. He's also quite young and hasn't left the country since I've known him (AFIK) so, in short, no...I don't think he's married.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Thanks everyone for chiming in. But especially thank you to Salparadise and Miss_Bee. You both have made excellent points and given me a lot to think about. Much appreciated.

[spiderowl]

Looking back through your previous thread, the thing that most stood out for me what how controlling this guy is. You speculated at one point as if he treated you like a marionette. That was my feeling exactly, that he likes pulling strings. He might well be creative but to what end? It's almost as if you are a kitten and he has a mouse on a string that he is pulling round the room and you are supposed to chase it while he watches in amusement.

 

While I can see that that might be entertaining and fun for a while, it's not something one would want for a long-term relationship, especially without the sexual side of things. I think he likes your company, enjoys talking to you and spending time with, enjoys seeing you have fun, but that the creative controlling aspect is a diversion from something else he is not telling you. Maybe he is asexual. Maybe he is gay? Maybe there is some strange fetish. If by now, you still haven't seen anything like a normal relationship with him, there is some strong drive on his part to make sure it stays that way. If he was sexually attracted to you, he would have found it very difficult to resist making some sort of move by now. My feeling is that he has something else going on and you are important to him but not it.

 

I actually feel pleased for you that you stopped the game and decided to back off. At this point, he lost control of you so no wonder he's panicking. You are still no nearer to knowing what motivates this guy and you deserve to know if he's interested in a proper relationship with you or not. Personally, I don't think there is any point pressing him for a decision. I doubt if he'll make one. He's likely to fluff and try to keep you on that string but no further forward. You might do better to ask him to tell you honestly what's going on. This guy might be fun - up to a point - but I don't think he's the relationship prospect you need. He's got some secret. Maybe he's bi and senses you would not find that acceptable. Maybe he has an STI that he's afraid of passing on. Who knows? I just sense something.

Edited January 16, 2015 by spiderowl

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Maybe he is asexual. Maybe he is gay? Maybe there is some strange fetish. If by now, you still haven't seen anything like a normal relationship with him, there is some strong drive on his part to make sure it stays that way. If he was sexually attracted to you, he would have found it very difficult to resist making some sort of move by now. My feeling is that he has something else going on and you are important to him but not it.

<snip>

 

He's got some secret. Maybe he's bi and senses you would not find that acceptable. Maybe he has an STI that he's afraid of passing on. Who knows? I just sense something.

 

 

We actually had a long talk about his sexuality last night. I asked him if he were gay, biexual or confused in some way and told him, point blank, that if that were the case, in reality pretty much nothing about our relationship would need to change (because lets be real here, we're not having sex so....) but that I did need to know what was up as that was the vibe I was getting. I even went as far as telling him that I would play the role of girlfriend beard publicly if necessary while he explored other avenues.

 

He was fairly adamant that he wasn't - not hostile or overly-aggressive or anything, just sort of matter of fact - then asked me why I thought he could be gay. I outlined everything but he then fell back on the old excuse that I was dating other guys and that he wanted it to be "special" between us. I told him New Years Eve saw me deleting or blocking useless contacts and that he was the only thing standing in the way at this moment in time.

 

So, basically, I'm at a point where, again, I have no idea what's going on. I can't force someone to "come out" to me if they don't want to, no matter how non-judgmental I am in my appeal. If he is and is still refusing to tell me then he's got some major issues but if he isn't then it's clearly something else which he is also refusing to tell me. Either way, I can make neither heads nor tails of it and I'm losing the desire to do so.

Edited January 16, 2015 by Lernaean_Hydra