xAP just emailed me (Updated)

[nikki76]

I'm so mad at myself! !! The ONE thing I forgot to block. ...my email. We only communicated this way one time. ..... didn't even remember that until now! !!!

 

I wake up to use the bathroom (tmi) and see I have an email from him. Thought i was dreaming, or more like having a nightmare.

 

He emailed me asking a question regarding a light fixture he's looking for.

 

This is how our whole A started. He was doing the electric work in our kitchen remodel. H showed no interest and of course xap stepped right in. We would always joke about

light fixtures after that. ( I know, not funny at all now)

 

Saturday will be 4 weeks NC. My H and I are in such a good place. Of course, I can't get him off my mind. ... but damn it. I didn't think I would ever see his name in an email.

 

Do I respond professionally, answer his question, then block?

 

He texted my H yesterday, asking how he is and saying they need to catch up, it's been awhile. My H hasnt called him yet.

 

This is proof that total confession of the A would not have me in this position right now. But im still not going to.

 

Not really sure what my point is. My heart sank when I saw his email. My first reaction was to respond. Thank goodness, I took a few breaths and decided to post on here instead.

 

Is this his manipulative way of trying to lure me in again? Sorry buddy. Not going to happen.

 

This makes me so angry at myself and at him. He knows in the past that I always cave when he would break NC.

[evanescentworld]

Pass the message onto your H. tell him ex-AP emailed you in error, obviously.... could he handle the question, please?

 

Thanks.

 

Really though- it's slowly getting to a point where I think the truth will out. It's getting riskier and riskier.

 

You really DO need to think about pre-emptive action, in case of a major bust-up and fall-out.

 

never say never.

I believe this is only a matter of time.

 

And him sending your H a letter about "we must touch base again soon" is just a way of poking you and keeping you fearful, and telling you "I'm not going away any time soon, you know.... still here, still lurking... ..."

[nikki76]

I was thinking the same thing, to pass it on to my H.

 

I know anything is possible. But im not to concerned that he will purposely expose the A. He was always the paranoid one and would always say eyes are watching everywhere.

[evanescentworld]

Well in that case he's playing with fire and likes to live dangerously.

If he really WAS the paranoid one - why the hell would he be seeking to get together with your H?

 

No, he's enjoying the thrill of baiting you.

Any fear he has of being found out, is over-shadowed by his deliberate 'poking you between the bars'...

[gettingstronger]

He is horny and needs an ego boost-it happens- if you are too, then have sex with your husband rather than responding to the ex-AP, you will thank yourself later-

 

Don't respond-don't have your husband respond- that just keeps the communication going- there are no "professional questions" any longer-just bait-

 

Stay strong- you are doing well-

[nikki76]

Well in that case he's playing with fire and likes to live dangerously.

If he really WAS the paranoid one - why the hell would he be seeking to get together with your H?

 

No, he's enjoying the thrill of baiting you.

Any fear he has of being found out, is over-shadowed by his deliberate 'poking you between the bars'...

 

They are friends, and have been out of touch for awhile. But I can see that he would get a thrill of baiting me.

During the A, it would never bother him to be in the same room as me and my H...or his family and mine. He said he had a way to separate his emotions. My therapist said he was probably a narcissist and we are all objects serving a purpose in his life. He doesnt view us a people. Either wa y, like the other poster said, he's probably looking for an ego boost and hoping I'll be waiting on the side lines.

 

Thats why I posted here. If it wasnt for this forum, I probably wouldve emailed him back.

 

But now I know I'm better then him and have more respect for myself and my H to give this guy anymore of my attention.

[DKT3]

They are friends, and have been out of touch for awhile. But I can see that he would get a thrill of baiting me.

During the A, it would never bother him to be in the same room as me and my H...or his family and mine. He said he had a way to separate his emotions. My therapist said he was probably a narcissist and we are all objects serving a purpose in his life. He doesnt view us a people. Either wa y, like the other poster said, he's probably looking for an ego boost and hoping I'll be waiting on the side lines.

 

Thats why I posted here. If it wasnt for this forum, I probably wouldve emailed him back.

 

But now I know I'm better then him and have more respect for myself and my H to give this guy anymore of my attention.

 

Nikki, I don't want to come off as an azzhole here, but you absolutely don't respect your husband. If you did, you wouldn't be saying stuff like "they are friends" this guy isn't your husbands friend. You know this. So not only did you have the affair but you did it with a guy your husband believes is his friend and you allowing him to continue believing it. That show you have very little respect for your husband

[Mal78]

If light fixtures is your "thing" some sort of code or innuendo you two share you know it's his way "in".

 

Ignore then block. Do not question any further his intent, you know!

[Broom]

Definitely don't respond back whatsoever. He wants a reaction out of you, for sure.

 

If you respond in any way, you give him confidence that he can start the A again.

[irishguy]

Dont respond , if you start again you wont stop .

[nikki76]

Nikki, I don't want to come off as an azzhole here, but you absolutely don't respect your husband. If you did, you wouldn't be saying stuff like "they friends" this guy isn't your husbands friend. You know this. So not only did you have the affair but you did it with a guy your husband believes is his friend and you allowing him to continue believing it. That show you have very little respect for your husband

 

Not being azzhole at all. I didnt look at it like that. You are so right, hes not a true friend and we had no respect for our spouses when we decided to have an A.

 

But I choose to end it. So this is where I believe im showing respect for myself and my H and my family. Even though they dont have a clue of the betrayal that went on, I believe im making positive moves to try and repair thr damage.

[evanescentworld]

.....I believe im making positive moves to try and repair thr damage.

 

Hmmm... you'll understand if we choose to differ....

 

You can never, and will never repair the damamge, while the truth isn't revealed.

 

"We dance around in a ring, and suppose

But Truth sits in the Middle; she sits, and she knows."

[nikki76]

Hmmm... you'll understand if we choose to differ....

 

You can never, and will never repair the damamge, while the truth isn't revealed.

 

 

But Truth sits in the Middle; she sits, and she knows."

 

I totally get what you are saying. Maybe repair the damage is the wrong choice of words. I guess I meant more on the lines of, now I'm working on myself to prevent any further damage. or something like that. I'm not good with words sometimes.

[Satu]

Don't respond to that email.

 

No good could come of it.

[evanescentworld]

I totally get what you are saying. Maybe repair the damage is the wrong choice of words. I guess I meant more on the lines of, now I'm working on myself to prevent any further damage. or something like that. I'm not good with words sometimes.

 

It's not a question of being good with words, hun.

It's a question of honesty, so let's be totally honest here:

 

You don't want to tell him because you know the fall-out would be cataclysmic.

 

Fundamentally, you're not being secretive for him.

You're being secretive for yourself.

 

And that motive is just as selfish as the affair was.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you hard - but for heaven's sake, let's tell it like it is.

 

This is about self-preservation, which ultimately, when a marriage depends on two sides, is basically, selfish.

 

That's the way you've chosen to play it - then so be it.

 

But let's drop all pretence of consideration of his feelings, here.

You know that if the schytt hit the fan, you'd be for the high jump.

[Josmatjes]

Not being azzhole at all. I didnt look at it like that. You are so right, hes not a true friend and we had no respect for our spouses when we decided to have an A.

 

But I choose to end it. So this is where I believe im showing respect for myself and my H and my family. Even though they dont have a clue of the betrayal that went on, I believe im making positive moves to try and repair thr damage.

 

You are making positive moves! Your head isn't clouded anymore. It takes time that's all. Maybe have your husband email him back and that will definitely send a message!!?

[evanescentworld]

"We dance around in a ring, and suppose

But Truth sits in the Middle; she sits, and she knows."

 

Actually, the correct quotation runs:

 

"We dance around in a ring, and suppose;

But SECRET sits in the middle, and knows."

 

I really should have remembered better.

I titled a book I wrote, "Secret Sits in the Middle" after that very quotation.

 

More appropriate even, that the erroneous quotation I gave earlier, too....

[jbrent890]

It's not a question of being good with words, hun.

It's a question of honesty, so let's be totally honest here:

 

You don't want to tell him because you know the fall-out would be cataclysmic.

 

Fundamentally, you're not being secretive for him.

You're being secretive for yourself.

 

And that motive is just as selfish as the affair was.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you hard - but for heaven's sake, let's tell it like it is.

 

This is about self-preservation, which ultimately, when a marriage depends on two sides, is basically, selfish.

 

That's the way you've chosen to play it - then so be it.

 

But let's drop all pretence of consideration of his feelings, here.

You know that if the schytt hit the fan, you'd be for the high jump.

 

I think this post really does say it all Nikki. I hope you don't find her words harsh, but they are the truth. From contacting your husband and sending you an email, this guy is not respecting your wishes. I told you this once and I will say it again, unless you confess, he will be the reason you get busted. His behavior is only escalating and its not going to stop. Take control of this situation before it becomes out of control. You are hanging on to this small hope that this will all go away, but I think we all know that this is probably going to end. I know this is hard for you Nikki, but sometimes our actions lead us down a road so long and dark that it takes something drastic to bring us back into the light. I'm going to mirror what the above post said. You need to be honest with yourself. Your primary reason for not confessing isn't about protecting your husband and family. It's about protecting you from the embarrassment of the world knowing what you did. Again Nikki, I know you are trying here. However, the entirety of your actions through this process have been selfish. I think it's time to do something selfless and let your husband know.

[bigman1]

Nikki,

 

You soooo do not realize how you are setting yourself up for a horrific failure. Your "happiness" depends on your husband not finding out from your AP or your AP's spouse. (I think you said he was married). or some some other random happenstance or screwup on your part. You just don't realize how precarious that is.

 

If, or When he finds out, I would like you to know what will go through his mind. he is going to feel like you have been mocking him, openly. "Friend bangs wife. Wife likes it. They do it for a while and mock me. Then, they so called end it. Friend talks with me, laughing at me because I'm an idiot. Wife watches me being made a fool of by so called friend. Secretly laughing at me. Wife has fond memories of them. Wants to keep them to her self. Probably fantasizes about him when I am not around and probably when we are having sex."

 

If you confess, you dictate how you are seen and can cut off that thought process a bit. If he uncovers it, you will never remove those thoughts and that just might be the end.

 

Remember, if OM gets mad, stupid or whatever, it comes crashing down. If OM's wife finds out. Heck, if someone else knows and gets mad, stupid or whatever. Good luck to your husband.

[nikki76]

I guess my 4 weeks of NC means nothing then because I havent confessed. That's all it comes down to. It doesn't matter that now that I'm out of the "fog" , I realize what ive done. And I never want to be that person again.

If I wanted to be back in the affair, all I would have to do is unblock and I'm sure he'd come right back. But im done and I would think my actions of not contacting him would help prove that.

 

I understand that by confessing, everything is out in the open. I will say it til I'm blue in the face. I WILL NOT CONFESS. its not fair to my children to be without a mother. Because he will leave me. I can be replaced as a wife, and I'm sure he would find someone else thats a much better wife. But no one can replace a mother. I dont care what anyone says. Especially that two of my children have special needs.which is one of the many reasons that made me snap out of this. Because they need me more them ever. And No....my affair didnt cause them to have these issues, which Im sure some of you will say. Yeah, I shouldve thought about them before the A. But I didnt and most people dont think ahead when starting an affair.

[nikki76]

I dont find anyones words too harsh. We all need tha tough love which is why we post here, or at least why I do.

I just feel like im being pushed backwards. Like my last four weeks have meant nothing. Thats its not good enough because I havent confessed.

[jbrent890]

I guess my 4 weeks of NC means nothing then because I havent confessed. That's all it comes down to. It doesn't matter that now that I'm out of the "fog" , I realize what ive done. And I never want to be that person again.

If I wanted to be back in the affair, all I would have to do is unblock and I'm sure he'd come right back. But im done and I would think my actions of not contacting him would help prove that.

 

I understand that by confessing, everything is out in the open. I will say it til I'm blue in the face. I WILL NOT CONFESS. its not fair to my children to be without a mother. Because he will leave me. I can be replaced as a wife, and I'm sure he would find someone else thats a much better wife. But no one can replace a mother. I dont care what anyone says. Especially that two of my children have special needs.which is one of the many reasons that made me snap out of this. Because they need me more them ever. And No....my affair didnt cause them to have these issues, which Im sure some of you will say. Yeah, I shouldve thought about them before the A. But I didnt and most people dont think ahead when starting an affair.

 

Nikki you have made amazing progress and I'm proud of you for that. But I'm going to level with you Nikki, it doesn't matter what we think. If found out, the only opinion that is going to matter is your husband's. He is not going to care that you went 4 weeks NC. He is not going to care that you came out of the fog. He is not going to care that you don't want your AP back. All he is going to see is that you screwed his friend and you let this guy stay in your lives. The above poster said it best, he is going to feel like you are mocking him. If you did confess Nikki, the possibility of him respecting the progress you made will be greater.

 

Also, Nikki you said it. Nobody will ever be able to replace you as your children's mother. Just like if you found someone else, he wouldn't be able to replace your husband as their father. If you love and care for your children, they will always know who their true parents are.

[bigman1]

Nikki,

 

Get off the pity party, please. I think if you read my post, you see that I'm talking about the harsh realities of your situation. You cheated with his "friend". Now, so long as that friend is in his life you are just loading up the explosives if this thing ignites. You have made the choice to take that risk. Fine. I get it. You don't want to lose your kids. Fine. Guess what, neither does he. THAT alone will probably keep him on the hook. So many BS's talk about staying for the kids that it is ridiculous. I mean really, it sort of pisses me off that they are so feckless, but then again, its their family and not mine, so I respect their fears and feelings.

 

Your weeks of no contact, in the context of cheating from a cheater's perspective is very significant. Admirable. Of course, to the rest of the world it is meaningless, to an extent. Not cheating on your husband is sort of how it should be. Why do you want praise for that?

 

I guess the take away should be this, you had better have a serious , heartfelt, soul wrenching speech prepared for when he does find out. If you think confessing is likely the end, then you best believe being found out is gonna be worse in light of who it is and all of the aftermath. having your friend bone your girl is soul killing. Believing that they made a fool out of you afterwards....

[DKT3]

Nikki there is a balancing act that you need here. Its great that you are NC (although, you are still stalking OM thru social media which also gives you a continued emotion link) it will aide in gaining some emotional distance.

 

On the other end of the scale, what you've done won't go away because of NC. There is a chance that you could get away with this, however its very unlikely due to the interaction of the people involved. You really have no control over this, you've mentioned several times that you don't believe the OM would tell, the problem is you don't know that he will handle the guilt. The fact that he is communicating with your husband more seems to suggest a few things one could be that whole claiming thing. Poking the bear sort of speaking.

 

Bottom line in all this is a lack of respect and trust in your husband, and a major lack of self-esteem and self worth in yourself. Why are you so confident that your H will end the marriage? Why do you think he would try and take the kids from you?

 

Having an affair doesn't mean your unworthy trash. It only means your flawed like everyone else. Change your mindset, because honestly no matter what you will be OK, you have to be OK for your kids. You can make it with or without your H.

 

Believe in yourself, and trust in your husband. Its the only way NO MATTER IF STAY MARRIED OR NOT.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, he emailed you. Why did you open and read the email? If you were in TRUE NC, you would have just deleted it. You wouldn't have cared at all what the email had said. Fact is, you got curious and of course opened it. He was fishing and expects you'll answer him because it's about something so trivial. DO NOT reply. Delete it and block him.

 

As for telling/not telling, you're afraid you will lose the life you have with your husband and family, everybody gets that but the thing is, there's a pretty good chance your H will find out because your MM has a huge ego and thinks your H is a dummy, so he'll continue to play games right under your H's nose until he figures it out or MM actually lets it slip on purpose.