xAP just emailed me (Updated)

[jbrent890]

There is nothing innocent about cheating.

 

The foundation of what your saying is flawed. What if they would want to know, most BS here wanted to know, and we wanted to know from our WS. Not from someone else or through investigating.

 

Its my right to know who I'm having sex with, and what risks they have created for me.

 

Since we are still on topic then I will chime in then. There are also other reasons for confession, one of them is that chances of the WS cheating again diminishes. I guarantee that the majority of Waywards that cheat and keep it to themselves have multiple affairs. The first one is always the hardest. Once you see that you can get away with it, it is easy to do it again. Another poster said if you know you won't do it again, then don't confess. The thing is you don't know. I gurantee most cheaters never thought they were capable of cheating in the first place. Heck, even Nikki originally thought about confessing because she knows she capable of doing it again.

 

At the end of the day, most people don't want to live a lie. Yeah finding out I got cheated on sucked originally, but I'm much better off now because I know the truth. At least now I can say I'm living an honest marriage.

[nikki76]

You said it correctly. If you had confessed to your husband you would not be this position. Well, he will continue to "fish" for more sex from you and because you have had no real consequences you will eventually give in.

 

And when you husband does find out the problem you have now will make his one look small.

 

You should not answer him at all but you will. We all what will happen here .

 

I dont think he's "fishing" for sex. I havent had sex with him in 7 months. I would consider my A mostly an emotional affair. I believe hes missing that ego boost that I would give him. Theres nothing for me to give into when he's not even offering me sex.

 

And if you would have read my other posts, I said I deleted his email, didnt respond and I blocked his email.

 

So stop assuming that im going to break this NC.

 

So you are wrong. I absolutely will NOT contact him.

Edited January 15, 2015 by nikki76
correct a sentence

[nikki76]

To answer your question... yes, it's his manipulative way of trying to lure you in again. I hope you resisted responding.

 

Yes I did. I deleted his email and blocked it.

[Mal78]

I think your opinion would hold weight if everybody reacted the same way to finding out someone cheated on them. Some people bounce back and some don't. Deep down Mal is probably one of those people that would not have wanted know if she was cheated on. The fact of the matter is that most people want to know the truth of their lives. Yes, being cheated on sucks. But if I found that I was constantly tortuing myself because I stayed with that partner, then I would leave. Making a unilateral decision about someone else's life is not right. Also, if you think confessing hurts the individul, imagine how hurt they would feel if they found out from other means, especially years later when they have more invested in the relationship. Confession doesn't hurt an individual. The fact that their partner cheated does.

 

I agree with this too. My BS didn't get caught, he confessed a few days later. We made love, he said he needs to tell me something, he told me and then went to sleep. I sat up all night in utter shock and pain. He told me the truth right away, therefore I should be good and move on. I was young, dumb and didn't want to "rock the boat". We had a baby and I didn't want our family to break so I *pretended* to except the truth and move on.

 

I have and I haven't.

[Hope Shimmers]

There is nothing innocent about cheating.

 

The foundation of what your saying is flawed. What if they would want to know, most BS here wanted to know, and we wanted to know from our WS. Not from someone else or through investigating.

 

Its my right to know who I'm having sex with, and what risks they have created for me.

 

My point flew right over your head DKT. I used an analogy to say that you can't un-ring a bell (that's another analogy), meaning that once you tell someone who doesn't want to know, you can't un-do any damage that has been done if the person would have preferred not to know.

 

"What if they would want to know" and "most BS want to know" (you don't know that, first of all - you are just assuming that from responses on this forum which are biased towards that) - these are statement that relate to how YOU feel, not how the BS feels. How YOU feel may or may not be the same as how the BS in this particular situation feels.... which is not relevant to this post anyway!

 

I agree that A's are wrong and hurtful, but I'm tired of seeing threads like this turn into discussions about how the BS has no respect for her H and she should tell him, all of which started on PAGE ONE of this thread despite the fact that it had nothing to do with what the OP asked in her initial post. This is why I have virtually stopped posting here. The BS dive-bombing every thread to make it about driving in the guilt of being a "Wayward" and "tell, tell, tell". No matter what the topic of the thread is.

 

OP, I did read that you deleted the email and moved forward. Good for you. As far as who checks their email when they get up at 3 in the morning, I do. It downloads to my phone every 5 minutes and the phone sleeps by my head.

[gettingstronger]

As far as who checks their email when they get up at 3 in the morning, I do. It downloads to my phone every 5 minutes and the phone sleeps by my head.

 

 

I have found that staying off social media and email was very helpful in recovery-we get addicted to checking and re-checking- looking, waiting, etc... try turning your technology off in the evening and engaging with your spouse every night-it helps more than you can imagine-

[jbrent890]

My point flew right over your head DKT. I used an analogy to say that you can't un-ring a bell (that's another analogy), meaning that once you tell someone who doesn't want to know, you can't un-do any damage that has been done if the person would have preferred not to know.

 

"What if they would want to know" and "most BS want to know" (you don't know that, first of all - you are just assuming that from responses on this forum which are biased towards that) - these are statement that relate to how YOU feel, not how the BS feels. How YOU feel may or may not be the same as how the BS in this particular situation feels.... which is not relevant to this post anyway!

 

I agree that A's are wrong and hurtful, but I'm tired of seeing threads like this turn into discussions about how the BS has no respect for her H and she should tell him, all of which started on PAGE ONE of this thread despite the fact that it had nothing to do with what the OP asked in her initial post. This is why I have virtually stopped posting here. The BS dive-bombing every thread to make it about driving in the guilt of being a "Wayward" and "tell, tell, tell". No matter what the topic of the thread is.

 

OP, I did read that you deleted the email and moved forward. Good for you. As far as who checks their email when they get up at 3 in the morning, I do. It downloads to my phone every 5 minutes and the phone sleeps by my head.

 

 

Hope you are not really seeing the forest for the trees here. It honestly seems like you are applying your own situation to most BSs. None the less, instead of generalizing, let's look at Nikki's situation. I can see if Nikki had a ONS or an an affair with someone that lived hundreds of miles away. If she chose not to confess, the chances of her husband finding out would be slim to none. However, that it not the case. Not only did she screw her husband's friend, the guy lives down the street from them. Also, this guy is acting very irrationally, even to the point of trying to hang out with her husband as a means to get to her. This is going to blow up, there are too many factors close to home for it not to. If Nikki thinks she is going to have problems by confessing, imagine what's going happen if her OM's W finally busts them. Nikki is the same individual that woman went to talk about issues in their marriage. Both her and Nikki's H are going to feel like they both being mocked behind their back. And I can almost promise that she will make sure that everybody in their social circle knows what Nikki did. I'm not only telling Nikki to confess because it's right, I'm telling her to confess because it's her smartest play. At least she might be able to control the fallout if she does. She will have no control is she gets busted, which by each thread she creates, looks to be the more likely possibility.

[nikki76]

Hope you are not really seeing the forest for the trees here. It honestly seems like you are applying your own situation to most BSs. None the less, instead of generalizing, let's look at Nikki's situation. I can see if Nikki had a ONS or an an affair with someone that lived hundreds of miles away. If she chose not to confess, the chances of her husband finding out would be slim to none. However, that it not the case. Not only did she screw her husband's friend, the guy lives down the street from them. Also, this guy is acting very irrationally, even to the point of trying to hang out with her husband as a means to get to her. This is going to blow up, there are too many factors close to home for it not to. If Nikki thinks she is going to have problems by confessing, imagine what's going happen if her OM's W finally busts them. Nikki is the same individual that woman went to talk about issues in their marriage. Both her and Nikki's H are going to feel like they both being mocked behind their back. And I can almost promise that she will make sure that everybody in their social circle knows what Nikki did. I'm not only telling Nikki to confess because it's right, I'm telling her to confess because it's her smartest play. At least she might be able to control the fallout if she does. She will have no control is she gets busted, which by each thread she creates, looks to be the more likely possibility.

 

I'm not arguing or disagreeing with you. I just want to get your input. Do you think xAP is purposely trying to expose the A?

[jbrent890]

I'm not arguing or disagreeing with you. I just want to get your input. Do you think xAP is purposely trying to expose the A?

 

Honestly, I don't think he really knows what he is doing. His ego has taken such a big dive that it is causing him to act irrationally. If I were you Nikki, I would be very paranoid if your husband does decide to hang out with him. There is no telling what he might do.

[bigman1]

Nikki,

 

I have handled some very high stakes criminal cases. Nothing like the client who had a secret compartment filled with drugs having a random police encounter. Seriously, I had a client who had a flat and the officer stopped to help. Cop was oblivious, but client cracked under the pressure leading to further investigation and subsequent arrest. This is where you are.

 

This has turned to a very high stakes game. Is your EXAP going to spill the beans? How reckless is he? How inquisitive is your husband? How are you going to handle the pressure?

 

Your AP is up to something. I don't know what or why, but he is up to something.

[nikki76]

Nikki,

 

I have handled some very high stakes criminal cases. Nothing like the client who had a secret compartment filled with drugs having a random police encounter. Seriously, I had a client who had a flat and the officer stopped to help. Cop was oblivious, but client cracked under the pressure leading to further investigation and subsequent arrest. This is where you are.

 

This has turned to a very high stakes game. Is your EXAP going to spill the beans? How reckless is he? How inquisitive is your husband? How are you going to handle the pressure?

 

Your AP is up to something. I don't know what or why, but he is up to something.

 

I see what you are saying. I'm not sure why he would want to spill the beans though. He has just as much to lose as I do regarding family.

 

Not sure how reckless, but I know he's very manipulative. He has a very unstable personality, flies off the handle easily.

 

My H used to be a cop. In other situations, hes aware of everything. In this, he doesnt have a clue. I'm not saying he wont ever find out. Of course, im hoping he never does.

I did let him know a few months ago during one of my poor attempts at NC that MM makes me uncomfortable and I dont like the way he looks at me and I dont want him around me anymore. H just said, he's a big flirt and youre beautiful, of course he thinks your beautiful too. Didnt accomplish anything, but just a way to keep him away.

[Eighty_nine]

That may have been the right decision for you, but not for everyone. I wish people would stop pushing it on EVERYONE just because it was right for THEM.

 

yes, this!

I had an affair while in a committed relationship. We broke up (not due to affair, it was bound to happen anyway). I never told him. He's now happily married and I'm glad he doesn't know. What benefit would it be to him?

 

Infidelity might be differently dealt with in a marriage. but EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I'm behind you in not telling your husband, because of your kids.

[bigman1]

Nikki,

 

You are now in check (to borrow from the game of chess). If you tell your husband that you are uncomfortable with him and AP it blows up for you. First, he's gonna follow up with AP. Loose cannon drops the ball or hubby starts watching body language and gets more confrontational or goes into investigative mode. Exposure. Or, hubby tells AP that you said "something to him" and boom, AP spills the beans because he thinks hubby is referring to the affair.

 

You have effectively ruled yourself out of the equation. It all hinges on AP. He's got a lot to lose, but he's already had sex with you three times, had an emotional affair with you, and still hangs out with your hubby. He's not scared, he thinks he's bullet proof.

 

I get your reasons for silence, but I know cops. If he finds out without a confession, this IS NOT going to end well for you. If you confess, it MAY not end well. I anticipate that this is more of a waiting game for you, but you are in check, and checkmate is so close. Your only two moves are (1) confront AP and tell him to leave you and your family alone and never speak to any of you again or (2) confess. If you choose 1 he may get vindictive and expose or he may go. BTW, it cannot be a face to face encounter. You can continue to ignore him, but its his proximity to your H that is the problem as you seem to have gotten over him.

 

Is your AP a cop too? Actually, it does not matter to me.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have found that staying off social media and email was very helpful in recovery-we get addicted to checking and re-checking- looking, waiting, etc... try turning your technology off in the evening and engaging with your spouse every night-it helps more than you can imagine-

 

I stay off social media. I have to be attached to email for my job. But I am recovered, so it's not an issue. And I don't have a spouse to engage with, so not really relevant to me, but thanks anyway.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope you are not really seeing the forest for the trees here. It honestly seems like you are applying your own situation to most BSs.

 

No... YOU are applying your situation to most BS's. That's the point I've been trying to make. I am saying that there is NO situation to apply because it shouldn't be applied as if it were fact.

 

No one can make assumptions about whether any particular BS wants to know or not. Just because most here on this website do, means nothing. People who would rather not face/address an affair are plentiful, but they don't tend to hang out on infidelity forums, so this forum is wildly fraught with population bias in that way. To use this forum and persons who post here as "evidence" that most BS's want to know is Just. Plain. Wrong. Because of the bias.

 

It has nothing to do with what I personally think. For what it's worth, I personally don't disagree with either you or DKT3.

 

All I am saying is that the OP didn't ask about this topic, so why are there 3 pages discussing it? And why do BS's think automatically that because THEY want to know, that everyone does? Why not just accept that some people don't choose to tell for whatever reason instead of incessant preaching to tell, tell, TELL when it isn't even remotely the topic of the thread?

 

THAT is my point. Thanks!

[Rainbowlove]

Just as NC was her choice when she was ready, it will be the same with confession. If and when she is ready, she will. If not, she won't. It's her call. And the fallout of that decision is hers, too.

 

We could all push it until we are blue in the face, but if she's not ready, it's mute point.

 

She's clear she's not confessing. Let's respect her choice on the matter.

[irishguy]

I think the reason most say she should just confess is because the exAP is so close to her life , she will always have to watch out , she will be paranoid when the exAP decides to mess with her by injecting himself into her life again, he will eventually when he gets fed up of your NC.

[evanescentworld]

I think the reason most say she should just confess is because the exAP is so close to her life , she will always have to watch out , she will be paranoid when the exAP decides to mess with her by injecting himself into her life again, he will eventually when he gets fed up of your NC.

 

That's the whole point of this thread.

Why do you think she's posting?

because that's what he's trying to do....

[gettingstronger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gettingstronger

I have found that staying off social media and email was very helpful in recovery-we get addicted to checking and re-checking- looking, waiting, etc... try turning your technology off in the evening and engaging with your spouse every night-it helps more than you can imagine-

 

I stay off social media. I have to be attached to email for my job. But I am recovered, so it's not an issue. And I don't have a spouse to engage with, so not really relevant to me, but thanks anyway.

 

 

Hope- you are not the OP, the advice was for the OP- but I do appreciate that you still have a thing for me-

[Mal78]

I see what you are saying. I'm not sure why he would want to spill the beans though. He has just as much to lose as I do regarding family.

 

Not sure how reckless, but I know he's very manipulative. He has a very unstable personality, flies off the handle easily.

 

My H used to be a cop. In other situations, hes aware of everything. In this, he doesnt have a clue. I'm not saying he wont ever find out. Of course, im hoping he never does.

I did let him know a few months ago during one of my poor attempts at NC that MM makes me uncomfortable and I dont like the way he looks at me and I dont want him around me anymore. H just said, he's a big flirt and youre beautiful, of course he thinks your beautiful too. Didnt accomplish anything, but just a way to keep him away.

 

 

He may not want to expose the affair, however if his ego needs a stroking what better way than the satisfaction of *hanging out with his AP's spouse, who happens to be an ex-cop and taunting you in the meantime*?

 

He is not afraid, he thinks he is untouchable. It's that ego/mentality that ends up incriminating one's self. He is just going to push it to just see how far he can go.

 

Be careful.

[irishguy]

That's the whole point of this thread.

Why do you think she's posting?

because that's what he's trying to do....

Sorry i meant i think he will physically inject himself back into the picture ,become best friends with her husband ,any excuse to call to the house .

[Popsicle]

I'm not arguing or disagreeing with you. I just want to get your input. Do you think xAP is purposely trying to expose the A?

 

I do not, given that he is M too.

 

I believe he is more trying to assuage his guilt.

 

And, trying to get close to you at the same time.

 

If you really want the A to end, just don't respond to him. Trust me, he'll know why.

[evanescentworld]

Sorry i meant i think he will physically inject himself back into the picture ,become best friends with her husband ,any excuse to call to the house .

Ah, ok, sorry, I misunderstood you. Thank you for clarifying.

[Hope Shimmers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gettingstronger

I have found that staying off social media and email was very helpful in recovery-we get addicted to checking and re-checking- looking, waiting, etc... try turning your technology off in the evening and engaging with your spouse every night-it helps more than you can imagine-

 

I stay off social media. I have to be attached to email for my job. But I am recovered, so it's not an issue. And I don't have a spouse to engage with, so not really relevant to me, but thanks anyway.

 

 

Hope- you are not the OP, the advice was for the OP- but I do appreciate that you still have a thing for me-

 

Sorry. You quoted my text when you replied, so I assumed it was directed at me. That's usually how it works.

[nikki76]

xAP stopped by our house yesterday to pick up some tools. Mind you, theyve been there since he started doing work on our house last spring.

That was always our excuse to try to see each other. Come over to "pick up the tools". Of course, he would always have an excuse that day, that he couldnt.

 

My H and him were standing around the kitchen where I was cooking, talking. My face was so red with anger. I couldnt even look at him at first. Then they started including me in their conversation, I didnt want to be obvious, so I participated.

 

It floors me how he can act as though nothing is wrong. I guess thats a good thing. Doesnt want H to suspect. But how can he stop by my house knowing that IM home amd just stand there talking to us.

 

I wasnt sad at all seeing him. Pretty much just angry. Not that it matters but I wonder if he picked up the tools to throw it in my face thats its over and to purposely try to torture me?

I hope its killing him that im not contacting him !