Will he ever break up with her? What does this mean??

[XNemesisX]

Well, I never thought I would EVER in a million years find myself on this particular forum.

 

So here is the deal. I really REALLY like this guy. He happens to be my friend's ex-boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend's FRIEND, and he also has a girlfriend. Whew! That is a mouthful.

 

We have been seeing eachother here lately. I was with him today, all in secret of course. His girlfriend was not in town just like the last time this happened. We had so much fun together, and the chemistry is GREAT. We have had sex twice now, and I think we both feel sort of guilty about it but it hasn't really stopped us. I feel for his girlfriend, and I know this is the wrong thing to do but I keep hoping that he will just break up with her.

 

Last time we talked he didn't seem very happy about her. He was saying that she rushed him into a committed relationship too quickly, he wasn't sure about how he felt about her, blah blah.

 

Then today, he calls and asks me to hang out with him so I did. I thought maybe he would be breaking up with her for sure after our last conversation but nope..

 

I told him that I really liked him and he said, "you know I can't date you...I have a girlfriend."

 

He was saying that he wanted to wait it out and see if things get better between his girlfriend and him. He insists that he really likes me but he says it will cause "too much trouble" if we dated. (with his girlfriend, his ex, my ex..)

 

I felt like sh*t to be honest after we had sex again today and he was like "I really like you, you are so beautiful" blah blah and then 10 minutes later he is calling his girlfriend. I feel used, but at the same time I really like him and I don't want to give up hope that he might change his mind.

 

My question is if you all think I should keep seeing him (you wouldn't cheat on someone you truly love, right?) Do you think their relationship will end any time soon? He doesn't seem too thrilled about it but he does keep saying that she is such a "good girl" and "everything he has been looking for" etc etc. Doesn't his actions speak louder than words? Look at what he is doing with me!

 

I really don't want to believe he is a jerk because I have known him for almost 4 years and I have a lot of respect for this person and I have always thought he was the perfect guy. Maybe I need a big slap in my face to wake me up?

 

It would be really hard to give up on this guy, but I do feel bad for his girlfriend and I don't want to always be the "girl on the side."

I just don't know what to do, I have never become involved with a committed person before and I don't want to be stupid here. I need some advice from people who have been through this.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As long as you give him the impression that you are ok with being the OW, he will continue to keep you as one. He will not break up with his girlfriend to see you, if you are making it so that he doesn't have to. Give him a choice: you or the girlfriend. Not both - and absolutely no "friends" in the meantime. He is using "friends" as an excuse to get what he wants from you. If he was genuinely interested in 'friends' that would be different. But, its clear that to him, "friends" = sex.

 

Either he wants to date you and only you, or he gets nothing. If he gets wishy washy, then cut him off and initiate 'no contact' to help yourself get your head and heart straight again.

[curly]

You're looking for advice, answers... the only one is the one you've already seen. The one you already know. He is not breaking up with the girlfriend. He has told you this. He's not even stringing you along that he will break up with her eventually.

 

I don't care if you have known this person for 20 years, his true colors are now showing. He's kept a facade until now. You're in his circle now and seeing who he really is. He doesn't respect you, his GF, or himself.

 

I tell you this as a person who has been on both sides of this fence. I've been the one cheating on a BF and telling the OM that I'm not leaving the BF, deal with it. And I'm going thru the most heartwrenching time in my life being the OW to a MM. There is nothing but hurt, anger & resentment. Don't put yourself in this situation.

 

I just started reading "He's just not that into you," and your situation is a perfect example. He's not into you. He's using you. He's a guy, you're giving him sex. He's not going to turn that down. But he's not leaving the GF. Come on.... see it. Get the book. Open your eyes. You deserve more.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You're not stupid. You're questioning this right away. Don't let yourself get swept up into the drama he's producing, directing and starring in. The curtain is just opening and you need to walk out. Take it from the dozens of OW posting here. It hardly ever goes the OW's way. And do you really want to wait? Waiting sucks. It makes you feel 2nd best. I hate that feeling. Everyone does. Even your guy does, that's why he's feeling good right now. He's got 2 women hanging on him. Nice feeling, huh?

 

Walk away and keep your heart open for someone who really is going to treat you well.

[newby]

the way men think they disrespect you for sleeping with them, he says his gf is a good girl, believe me the more you continue the more he will think she is a good girl and you are a bad girl. i had this with mm, it didnt matter that he had totally lied and manipulated me to get what he wanted, eventually i was not allowed to complain about him mistreating me cos his wife was getting the worse deal as far as he was concerned. its always one rule for them another for you because they are selfish, they cannot see beyond what they want.

[XNemesisX]

Thanks so much you all for your replies...I think I am starting to see that this could be a bad situation.

 

I guess I am scared of just cutting off all contact right now because that will make it easier for him to just stay with his girlfriend as bad as that sounds..and maybe I am having some wishful thinking that I can somehow get him to change his mind if I try hard enough. Do you really think there is never a good chance for a OW?

 

I have actually really liked this guy for several years but we have both been taken and just hadn't found the right opportunity. Now, finally an opportunity seemed to come up where we got to spend time alone together, and one thing has happened after another and it has happened fairly quickly.

 

He actually told me that this "relationship" we seem to have is "wrong on many levels." He said that it would hurt too many people like our exes (he's friends with mine, I'm friends with his). But I almost get the feeling that it being "wrong" might be what attracts him to it so much..did that make any sense?

 

He didn’t have intimate relationship with her since months and things were quite lousy.

 

Actually this just reminds me of another important thing about this whole ordeal. See, his girlfriend is a virgin. She is very religious, so is supposedly holding out until marriage although I know she does everything BUT sex with him. He told me that he thought this was what he wanted but now he is not so sure. Do you think he is just using me for sex since she won't give it? Ugh..I think I may already know the answer.

 

I did see pictures of her at his place and she is not that pretty really. I know this shouldn't matter, but she is not nearly as pretty as my friend who he dated, or the girl he dated after her...or even me. I don't know if this could make any difference at all?

 

I really do feel stupid you all. I really have got feelings for him already. I felt sick to my stomach after I left his place because he was washing the sheets because he didn't want his girlfriend to see anything on them because she was staying with him later. I felt like the most despicable person ever.

 

I just don't see how he could just use me since we have known eachother so long, but maybe you are right about my seeing his true colors now. I just thought that maybe if I try hard enough I can get him to break up with her and see that he should be with me. I figure that he couldn't like her a great deal if he would cheat on her so bad and actually want to spend time with me. The time we spend together is not just sex, either. We have a really good time.

 

I see what you all are saying about me just letting this go...but I'm just so scared I will miss my chance with him. At the same time, if I don't I'm worried I will be even more crushed in the long run.

 

I know he will probably call me today, what should I say? I'm afraid to just come right out and tell him that it is either me or her because I'm worried I will scare him off.

[XNemesisX]

newby-

he says his gf is a good girl, believe me the more you continue the more he will think she is a good girl and you are a bad girl.

 

Yep, that is exactly what I am thinking. What if I hung out with him again and just refused to have sex with him? Would it even make a difference at all at this point?

 

I'm sorry you all I am writing so much..I haven't even been to bed yet because I am so distraught over this. I can't even think straight. I am so confused. My stomach really hurts too

[blind_otter]

Full stop. Cut it off.

 

Respect yourself damnit. If you don't, no one will. I slept with someone who told me that he had a GF last week. I told him to get out of my bed and that I would never have sex with him again, even if he were single.

 

You know that you deserve more. Well go out and get it. Don't settle for less. If it's meant to be, it will happen, when he and you are both single. In any other case he is chickensh*t and not worth your time.

[newby]

I guess I am scared of just cutting off all contact right now because that will make it easier for him to just stay with his girlfriend as bad as that sounds..and maybe I am having some wishful thinking that I can somehow get him to change his mind if I try hard enough. Do you really think there is never a good chance for a OW?

QUOTE

no you sleeping with him makes it easier for him to just stay with his girlfriend

look hon, ive been there i know its not nice

i would say to him something along the lines of-altho i am not religious and i do believe in sex before marriage, i do not believe in sex before mating partner splitting from current gf

it doesnt matter if you have already done it, i am a firm believer in it never being too late. just change, its simple and you will soon get used to it. dont kick yourself for whats already been, it will not get you anywhere. use willpower.

[XNemesisX]

Well you all were right. I can't do this anymore. This is really breaking my heart. Since the last time I saw him (which was Monday) he hasn't even called me once. When I talked to my friend, she said that he didn't sound like himself and I'm wondering if guilt is getting to him.

 

I know that his girlf has been staying with him the last few nights so I'm thinking that is why he has not called me. I even emailed him and he hasn't wrote me back. I feel like such sh*t. I really REALLY like this guy but I refuse to call him, so unless he calls me I will NEVER call him.

 

Apparently he likes this girl awfully well and to be honest I'm almost tempted to tell her if he is going to disrespect me like this. I'm sure it would just make me look bad and vindictive if I did this but it really is tempting at this point...

 

Has anyone told the wife or girlf about your relationships with their SO's?

 

I just hate feeling like this. I feel completely and utterly used.

[BettyBoo]

Sorry you're hurting so bad .........................but don't go telling his girlfriend. If he disrespected you it is because you allowed it. His girlfriend is innocent in all of this so why cause her hurt. Start repecting yourself and stop getting into triangular relationships. They always end in pain for someone.

 

He sounds like a jerk anyhow so I am sure his g/f will learn soon enough!

[blind_otter]

YX - one of the girls my exBF cheated on me with called me to tell me to back off, and you know what? She got a tongue lashing from me, from my exBF, and then my exBF ended up getting back together with me at that time, anyways (it was last summer)....so....I wouldn't tell her, it really DOES make you look bad. People only use us as much as we let them.

[XNemesisX]

Ok, that impulse has went away...don't worry guys. I mean, I would probably appreciate it if one of the girls my exbf was cheating on me with would have told me, but I guess the guy can always just say the girl was lying though and then you just end up looking stupid...besides, as was the case with exbf who cheated on me, the truth comes out eventually I think.

 

Ok, so now listen to what is going on. I just got off the phone with him. He's being his usual sweet self. He had pretty good reasons for not calling me the past few days and now he wants to make plans with me this weekend. You all PLEASE give me some motivation NOT to go. I really like this guy and this is sooo tempting. Apparently his girlfriend will be out of town again this weekend. What should I do? Should I stay with him but just not have sex with him and see what happens or just not go altogether????

[tokyo]

Don't get together with him at all. As long as he hasn't cleared his position with you and his girlfriend, stay away. You can't sleep with someone and then move on as if nothing has happened. If he ignored it, it's because he still has the immaturity of little kids who think when they close their eyes nobody can see them. It's easy to understand, as long as he doesn't acknowledge that this wrong, he will continue to try to get you back in the sack. And resisting someone who is standing 10 cm away from you is harder than having like, uh, 10 miles between you.

 

If you think he's a good guy and wouldn't try to seduce you again as you have made it clear that you had feelings for him, well see, he has a girlfriend and whether you said no or not, he shoudln't have slept with you in the first place. Your feelings should be an additional factor for him to reconsider again, but even if this argument against having sexual contact with you did not exist, he is doing wrong. First, it's his girlfriend, no matter how long they have been together, he's cheating on her, second he is doing you wrong, because you have feelings for him.

 

If you decide to meet him, you are showing him that you really have feelings for him and that if he tries hard enough, he will get another session of fun with you, because you may know that it's wrong, you may know you shouldn't and you really don't want to, etc. but the fact that you show up to meet him tells him that you want him and that's all he needs to know to continue this game. If you meet him, you can say "No, no,no, I don't really want it. I really really don't want it." as much as you want, but your presence there betrays it. So stay away. Give him a clear signal, otherwise he will know that your no is the no of a woman who actually is saying yes.

 

You may still have the same feelings when you stay at home, but at least they will not go crazy with him in the immediate distance. If he wants you, he'll have to try harder than merely counting on the influence of pheromones and visual effects.

 

Hey, I still think he's not really the kind of guy you should be seing now, way to instable and insecure, a relationship between you both probably would resemble a rollercoaster ride and unless he respects you for what you are (right now his hormones have taken control over him and he's appreciating your body, but not much more) you won't get very far.

[newby]

you can go if you like,

just know that this is the way it is, if you go whether you have sex with him or not, that is what he wants from you. he has his perfect marriage girl. the one who is good and sweet and only for him. he will never dump her. you cannot no matter what you do make him change his mind about that, if he appears to be, it is only part of the manipulation. the BEST thing you can hope for from this is to leave it the best way you can, with a tiny scrap of dignity. so you have to change the whole tack of your thoughts. not to, will he love an respect me if i....? but to how can i get rid of this t0sser in the best way possible for me? do i even want to bother?

you will find someone who respects you and treats you right and who thinks of you as his perfect sweet girl, but not till you make some space in your life and your heart

[blind_otter]

Motivation to stop seeing this guy has to come from somewhere inside yourself. Not us or anyone else. You know what the right thing to do is. Going over to "stay with him but not f*ck him" is like saying "Let's just hold each other naked" or "Let me just put it in for a second" It doesn't work that way. You know that your relationship with him is inappropriate, you know what he wants from you, you know where you've already taken it.