Can love come back????

[Millie325]

My boyf and I were together 3 years. We were each other's first loves and we loved each other so much. We had an amazing time for the first 2 years. But the last year I struggled with anger towards him for silly things, even briefly considered feelings for my best friend when my boyf and I were having problems ( which I told him about). My boyf also seemed less patient with me, getting irritated at little nothing's. After a few months of this we had an amazing month together but then we became long distance.

When long distance I felt he didn't care as much as me and was probably too harsh on him for this. We didnt see each other much for a few months and then a couple of months ago he started to withdraw emptionally.

I asked him about it and he said he felt differently, less strongly, less IN love, but still loved me.

We agreed to give it another shot and spent a few days together. During this time things started to return to normality and I saw look of love in his eyes. However a couple of days apart we met up again and he was so cold towards me. We broke up, he said he had tried to feel the same the last few months but didn't and had started having some feelings towards someone else (he wasn't going to pursue them but it made him think our relationship wasn't right).

Can he ever feel the same again? I feel like stupid fights built up and caused this. I just want the goodness back.

[evanescentworld]

My boyf and I were together 3 years. We were each other's first loves and we loved each other so much. We had an amazing time for the first 2 years. But the last year I struggled with anger towards him for silly things, even briefly considered feelings for my best friend when my boyf and I were having problems ( which I told him about). My boyf also seemed less patient with me, getting irritated at little nothing's. After a few months of this we had an amazing month together but then we became long distance.

When long distance I felt he didn't care as much as me and was probably too harsh on him for this. We didnt see each other much for a few months and then a couple of months ago he started to withdraw emptionally.

I asked him about it and he said he felt differently, less strongly, less IN love, but still loved me.

We agreed to give it another shot and spent a few days together. During this time things started to return to normality and I saw look of love in his eyes. However a couple of days apart we met up again and he was so cold towards me. We broke up, he said he had tried to feel the same the last few months but didn't and had started having some feelings towards someone else (he wasn't going to pursue them but it made him think our relationship wasn't right).

Can he ever feel the same again? I feel like stupid fights built up and caused this. I just want the goodness back.

 

No, he never can, and never will, because he doesn't want to. he gave up on it, so the only way anyone can prompt or tempt him to re-kindle those emotions - is him.

And he seems to have made his feelings quite clear on that.

 

You can never turn the clock back, or un-do what has been done.

 

Be brave, chin up, move on.

 

No Contact is the way to go now.

Say it, mean it, do it.

[Millie325]

I don't see why he couldn't change his mind though? If the attraction was built up again?

[evanescentworld]

Nope.

 

He's the dumper.

It doesn't matter what you do, what you say, how, or why, or under what circumstances.

 

He was already moving on, and he's finalised it.

He's closed himself off, and you could pole-dance in front of him with a carnation between your teeth and clad in the very best of 'Victoria's Secret' frillies.... He's already said No.

 

Please, take it from me - and others whom I'm sure, will say the same things:

 

IT'S OVER.

[Millie325]

I just feel like he has mistaken natural changes for falling out of love. It has been 5 weeks and I still don't feel like it's over. He was crying so much when it ended and even said to me he was 'open to being convinced'.

When we talked a couple weeks later though he said he thought what we had was gone but also said that he was said about all the things we wouldn't do and didn't think he'd ever feel like this/ didn't understand it.

I've heard so many people where the dumper has changed their mind or realised their love, I guess that's where my ️hope comes from.

[evanescentworld]

The best way to see whether that will in fact happen, is to fall off his radar, go totally silent and absent, and FOLLOW THE NC GUIDE!

 

Read the part about 'breadcrumbs' too.

 

Very carefully.

 

So many hurt, dumped people hang on to all and every vestige of a glimmer of hope, and latch onto the slightest signal - even though it's patently obvious to everyone else, it's all just pi$$ing in the breeze, and they're down-wind....

[Millie325]

I dont think anyone can know for sure whether a sign of hope is nothing at all. especially when so many people do reconcile?

 

i guess i just still dont understand this whole falling out of love business. he was more bothered than me at the beginning. people would comment how in love he was. i just dont see how that can just disappear. Its crazy because in the summer i said i felt he didnt care as much so maybe we should break up but he maintained it but then when he finalyl said he didnt i got so upset and asked whether he could.

 

have done nc for 14 days so far.

[evanescentworld]

'So many people reconcile'....? In comparison to how many break up, the number is minimal....

 

Like I said: Read the NC Guide, "cover to cover".

[elaine567]

i guess i just still dont understand this whole falling out of love business. he was more bothered than me at the beginning. people would comment how in love he was. i just dont see how that can just disappear..

 

This is something I previously struggled with too, "He said he loved me, why doesn't he love me now?"

 

I learned that it is very easy to fall out of love with someone, sometimes it is a gradial fall out of love, sometimes it is almost instant.

But it happens and when it does, there is nothing you can do, you cannot force someone to feel what they do not feel.

[Millie325]

Read it. I get it, NC is about me. I am trying to think like this. But it is difficult when I feel like my ex could have felt strongly again if we had tried longer..

 

Will try to keep up NC. but I dont know that i will not be able to talk to him again until I am moved on.

 

maybe it is just in circles around me but a lot of people seem to reconcile sometime down the road.

 

feelings are often influenced by circumstances so i think they can change back

[Millie325]

Elaine, do you not think that feeling can change though?

It also just scares me for the future. When can you ever feel secure in a relationship, knowing one day someone can just fall out of love.

It is especially hard for me as all my friends are in long term relationships and none of their boyfriends have just fallen out of love so i cant understand why it has happened.

[Satu]

I dont think anyone can know for sure whether a sign of hope is nothing at all. especially when so many people do reconcile?

 

i guess i just still dont understand this whole falling out of love business. he was more bothered than me at the beginning. people would comment how in love he was. i just dont see how that can just disappear. Its crazy because in the summer i said i felt he didnt care as much so maybe we should break up but he maintained it but then when he finalyl said he didnt i got so upset and asked whether he could.

 

have done nc for 14 days so far.

 

Read this.

 

I'm not saying that it applies to your ex-bf, but it its food for thought.

 

Stick to NC and be very good to yourself.

[Millie325]

That is interesting. None of those apply to my ex bf though. Only the one about the change in feelings.

I do think it might be to do with wearing off of the 'honeymoon' phase. I dont think it was the limerence thing though.

do you believe he can never come back also?

its just so shocking to me how so much can change in so little time.

[evanescentworld]

It hasn't been 'in so little time'. I would bet this may well have been brewing in his head for longer than you think.

 

but once a switch is thrown, it's damn well nigh-on impossible to reverse the process.

[Light Breeze]

maybe it is just in circles around me but a lot of people seem to reconcile sometime down the road./QUOTE]

 

That's your answer right there.

 

I bet it's after they completely moved on from each other, right?

 

After they were different, happy people, who are complete in themselves after their original breakup. This attraction comes from having a new slate to work with.

 

Focus on moving on. Things happen for a reason.

[Satu]

Elaine, do you not think that feeling can change though?

It also just scares me for the future. When can you ever feel secure in a relationship, knowing one day someone can just fall out of love.

It is especially hard for me as all my friends are in long term relationships and none of their boyfriends have just fallen out of love so i cant understand why it has happened.

 

If it really is love, you don't fall out it. Some people mistake desire, wanting, and a feeling of need and attachment, for real love.

 

There are many definitions of love, but here is one that is worth thinking about:

 

"Love is a total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

Only you can know what your conception of love is.

[Millie325]

It was brewing for a few months. He told me when he started to feel differently but was certain he wanted to work it out. But we both thought it was temporary. However after that we didnt get to see each other very much which made things a lot worse in my opinion.

its just so hard when he couldn't understand it and was so upset about it and i cant either. there was nothing he could pinpoint about me. we spent about 6 hours talking about it.

on the day we broke up he pleaded that we could be friends and had a panic attack when i said no.

I guess if it is meant to be in the future it will be. It just all doesnt seem right.

 

ermm sometimes it was a long time after. sometimes it was a few months.

[Light Breeze]

Elaine, do you not think that feeling can change though?

It also just scares me for the future. When can you ever feel secure in a relationship, knowing one day someone can just fall out of love.

It is especially hard for me as all my friends are in long term relationships and none of their boyfriends have just fallen out of love so i cant understand why it has happened.

 

This is a reply by Allumere in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/505994-inside-mind-dumper-6.html which I really like.

 

Love is as much a choice as all the decisions centered around it. Ex mates that say "I love you" then split can be grouped into 3 buckets..1) they never really loved you 2) they are choosing not to love you and 3) they love you but have conditions that you can't meet and therefore choose themselves.

[Satu]

do you believe he can never come back also?

 

 

No, I don't believe that, because I can't see your future. I don't have any way of knowing what will happen.

 

You should use strict no contact as a way of getting your attention off him and back onto yourself where it can do some good.

 

Make sure that you do these:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 1.5L for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

Keep up with all your responsibilities, and do all the things you need to do.

 

Take care.

[An0nymiss666]

I am going through the same thing at the moment. We also became long distance for the last few months of our relationship.

 

He claimed the small stupid fights and things we'd do caused him to "not feel the same" about me anymore, even if we didn't have any major issues. But we were confident in working it out, then he blindsided me with a breakup (although admittedly I had been considering it as well). He just didn't act the same anymore. Except I don't think he had feelings for someone else...but who knows if he would tell me.

 

Just as someone else said, we cannot tell the future.

 

The only thing that will help is time (and no contact). You need to try as hard as you can to focus on yourself and get over it as much as possible. You cannot expect to get back together. Because you'll be mentally keeping yourself in this relationship, and if that doesn't happen you will be right back to square one and it will feel like being broken up with all over again once you realize it isn't going to happen.

 

As much as I don't want to admit it myself, I don't think there is any way to make someone feel the same about you again. Only time will tell and distance and absence makes the heart grow fonder, if anything will. I hope it works out for you just like I hope it works out for me.

 

But, even if it doesn't, it's better than being in a relationship where you are always left wondering how he truly feels and if things will take a turn for the worse/better again. Yes, relationships come and go, and go sour, but in the end we all deserve someone who we know loves us all of the time.

[st peter]

i don't want to give false hope, but all the people hear who say that no dumper ever has a change of heart has simply never experienced it themselves, and are ignorant or bitter enough to presume the same for everyone else.

 

my ex begged for me to come back months after dumping me and saying i will never love you. moreover, when i posted my story on loveshack, many of the people who replied on this thread said no she doesn't care about you, doesn't miss you and was fooling you all along.

 

to the OP, you know your relationship, and you know better than anyone here whether you think he may want to change his mind.

i agree however that if you were dumped, you must assume they aren't and go NC. it works wonders for your own life, and gives you back power.

In my case , i told my ex i wasn't ready and wanted to be single. but it was great to have her regret her decision, and you never know for the future.

 

but to people who post simply on a second chances forum that a dumper is always gone for good, shame on you for being so simple

[evanescentworld]

I didn't say he's gone for good.

I said the decision to come back and try again, is up to the dumper, and cannot be engineered by the dumpee.

Granted, I believe it's usually unlikely, and the ratio of successful reconciliations to those that fail, is very unbalanced.

 

And it's rare that dumpees can successfully bring about a second chance.

[Simon Phoenix]

I dont think anyone can know for sure whether a sign of hope is nothing at all. especially when so many people do reconcile?

 

i guess i just still dont understand this whole falling out of love business. he was more bothered than me at the beginning. people would comment how in love he was. i just dont see how that can just disappear. Its crazy because in the summer i said i felt he didnt care as much so maybe we should break up but he maintained it but then when he finalyl said he didnt i got so upset and asked whether he could.

 

have done nc for 14 days so far.

 

Very few people reconcile, and when they do, it's usually with significant time apart and it usually comes from the dumper on their own without any interference from the dumpee realizes that they want to try again. There's nothing you can do to manipulate the proceedings to trick him into coming back to you. It's all on him. All you can do is work on yourself and recover. You can't force him into loving you, and the more you try, the worse off your chances are.

[towardthefuture]

NC is the only option. SOMETIMES it's a good idea right after the breakup to, without begging, apologize for some faults or agree with the breakup before you go radio silent. Here's why: NC is win-win. You heal from the breakup, and healing from the breakup makes you more attractive and less needy, inherently fixing some of the problems.

[Mcnulty]

He's averting his attention to someone else you say and still you have hope and want him back...you'd be second choice miss, don't be, move on. If you get back together, your insecurities over this episode will haunt you and cause you more pain.