Do I access her facebook after my trust has been shaken?

[Rko28]

I have made a thread about this in another area of the forum so i'll just quickly summarise.

 

The girl who ive been dating (exclusively, we both said we arent like that and going after other boys/girls) lied to me who she was going away with on NYE.

I hadnt seen her over xmas due to her insane work commitments (she works in theatre) so she said she was going away with the cast of a show as an end of show party on NYE. I was sad as I wanted to see her but understood.

 

I later found out on twitter, thanks to pictures that she was actually with a group of people she met on holiday, I confronted her and she was apologetic saying she wanted to get away and have a change of scenery after a busy december, it really was crazy for her, I can vouch for that. She lied because she thought id be upset that she wanted to get away and not be with me.

 

I was hurt and it shook my trust in her.

 

Now im questioning everything, why is such and such a top friend on snapchat, why is she on whatsapp this late at night, why is she taking so long to text back.

 

My question is this, she logged into facebook on my computer and has accidentally saved her password there.

 

I have the urge to have a look quite regularly but keep stopping myself, for reasons such as morals, trying to trust her etc.

 

What would everyone else do?

 

Thanks

[Javelin]

What would everyone else do?

 

I'd drop the relationship. Why? Because relationships are built on trust. If you cannot trust the person, why continue forward?

 

You may think, 'maybe if we talk it out, things will change.' Don't kid yourself, because it won't happen. For individuals that like to play games, these things never change. When issues are brought to their attention, those issues seem to instantly go away, but only because the person is now acting careful about their shady ways.

 

Let me put it another way, not one person on this earth is worth stress. Therefore, if someone is causing you stress, let them go, and find someone else that will treat your better. Life is too short for games that aren't fun.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Javelin

[kendahke]

I have made a thread about this in another area of the forum so i'll just quickly summarise.

 

The girl who ive been dating (exclusively, we both said we arent like that and going after other boys/girls) lied to me who she was going away with on NYE.

I hadnt seen her over xmas due to her insane work commitments (she works in theatre) so she said she was going away with the cast of a show as an end of show party on NYE. I was sad as I wanted to see her but understood.

 

I later found out on twitter, thanks to pictures that she was actually with a group of people she met on holiday, I confronted her and she was apologetic saying she wanted to get away and have a change of scenery after a busy december, it really was crazy for her, I can vouch for that. She lied because she thought id be upset that she wanted to get away and not be with me.

 

I was hurt and it shook my trust in her.

 

Now im questioning everything, why is such and such a top friend on snapchat, why is she on whatsapp this late at night, why is she taking so long to text back.

 

My question is this, she logged into facebook on my computer and has accidentally saved her password there.

 

I have the urge to have a look quite regularly but keep stopping myself, for reasons such as morals, trying to trust her etc.

 

What would everyone else do?

 

Thanks

 

I know the urge is great to invade her Facebook, but seriously--you already know everything you need to know about her AND you still maintain the moral high road. Twitter did an excellent job of busting her. She's a liar and she's not acting like someone who is in a relationship or wants to be in one with you.

 

Just clear your cache on your computer and maintain your dignity. No sense in stooping to deceit just like her.

[Rko28]

I'd drop the relationship. Why? Because relationships are built on trust. If you cannot trust the person, why continue forward?

 

You may think, 'maybe if we talk it out, things will change.' Don't kid yourself, because it won't happen. For individuals that like to play games, these things never change. When issues are brought to their attention, those issues seem to instantly go away, but only because the person is now acting careful about their shady ways.

 

Let me put it another way, not one person on this earth is worth stress. Therefore, if someone is causing you stress, let them go, and find someone else that will treat your better. Life is too short for games that aren't fun.

 

These are things ive been telling myself, however Ive been brought up to give people a second chance. I actually dont believe she cheated, shes been cheated on in the past and told me how much it shook her, I cant see her putting someone else through that.

 

Up until this point she had my trust like no other girl id met.

[kendahke]

These are things ive been telling myself, however Ive been brought up to give people a second chance. I actually dont believe she cheated, shes been cheated on in the past and told me how much it shook her, I cant see her putting someone else through that.

 

Up until this point she had my trust like no other girl id met.

 

The issue isn't that she didn't cheat: this issue is that she lied about where she was and who she was with. If all she did was go hang out with friends, there was no reason, especially on NYE, for you not to have been welcomed to go with her UNLESS she is telling you one thing about the way she feels and acting in a completely different fashion.

 

IMO, liars don't deserve a second chance to lie, which is what they will do.

[Satu]

These are things ive been telling myself, however Ive been brought up to give people a second chance. I actually dont believe she cheated, shes been cheated on in the past and told me how much it shook her, I cant see her putting someone else through that.

 

Up until this point she had my trust like no other girl id met.

 

Her part of the problem was telling you a lie.

 

That's not good.

 

Your part of the problem is your lack of trust, and the fact that you're keeping her under surveillance on the internet.

 

That's not good either.

 

You insist on her being honest.

 

Will you be honest with her, and tell her what you have been doing?

Edited January 14, 2015 by Satu

[Rko28]

Her part of the problem was telling you a lie.

 

That's not good.

 

Your part of the problem is your lack of trust, and the fact that you're keeping her under surveillance on the internet.

 

That's not good.

 

You insist on her being honest.

 

Will you be honest with her and tell her what youhave been doing?

 

Yes, but Im keeping tabs (albeit less after your advice) because of the lie, you know just to make sure im not missing anything else, yes I know that shows a lack of trust which is why I asked about facebook. Checking that could make me feel a whole lot better if i didnt see anything bad there.

[Rko28]

The issue isn't that she didn't cheat: this issue is that she lied about where she was and who she was with. If all she did was go hang out with friends, there was no reason, especially on NYE, for you not to have been welcomed to go with her UNLESS she is telling you one thing about the way she feels and acting in a completely different fashion.

 

IMO, liars don't deserve a second chance to lie, which is what they will do.

 

I know, i was dissapointed she didnt ask, however I was actually in bed with flu so couldnt have gone anyway.

 

I understand what you mean about liars, but there is a chance that she is tellign the truth about why she lied.

[evanescentworld]

Yes, but Im keeping tabs (albeit less after your advice) because of the lie, you know just to make sure im not missing anything else, yes I know that shows a lack of trust which is why I asked about facebook. Checking that could make me feel a whole lot better if i didnt see anything bad there.

So you think that two wrongs might make a right if you feel entitled enough?

[Rko28]

So you think that two wrongs might make a right if you feel entitled enough?

 

no not at all, but because I want to try and salvage this I think id be a fool turning a blind eye to looking for something telling.

 

As satu advised, I am trying my best not to and cut back, its just hard when the thoughts pop in to my head.

[evanescentworld]

Have you spoken to her yet, about your worries?

 

Do you think it might help if you were open with her, and tried to make her realise just how much of an effect this has had on you....?

[Satu]

Yes, but Im keeping tabs (albeit less after your advice) because of the lie, you know just to make sure im not missing anything else, yes I know that shows a lack of trust which is why I asked about facebook. Checking that could make me feel a whole lot better if i didnt see anything bad there.

 

My feeling is that you are suffering anxiety to such a degree that it is having a negative effect on your wellbeing, and that you are engaging in behaviours that you are not happy with, which cause you concern about yourself.

 

You can't reduce your anxiety by indulging in behaviours which you are not comfortable with, which you consider to be a problem.

 

You don't like what you're doing. It makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

What you are doing increases your anxiety, rather than reducing it.

 

Its an ineffective behaviour.

 

So you need a new behaviour which reduces your anxiety, without the nasty side-effect you're experiencing.

 

Have a think about that.

[Rko28]

Have you spoken to her yet, about your worries?

 

Do you think it might help if you were open with her, and tried to make her realise just how much of an effect this has had on you....?

 

Only the day I confronted her and the day after, I then said I wanted to put it in the past and move on.

 

The anger in me has caused me to drop it in a few conversations recently which wasnt the wisest move, eg saturday night we parked up at the same place that I confronted her and I said what a horrible feeling I had coming back there and wanted to leave, she said something like "youre not going to let me forget about this are you" or words similar to that.

 

I cant tell her the full extent that ive been checking up on her movements on whats app etc can I?

[evanescentworld]

My feeling is that you are suffering anxiety to such a degree that it is having a negative effect on your wellbeing, and that you are engaging in behaviours that you are not happy with, which cause you concern about yourself.

 

You can't reduce your anxiety by indulging in behaviours which you are not comfortable with, which you consider to be a problem.

 

You don't like what you're doing. It makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

What you are doing increases your anxiety, rather than reducing it.

 

Its an ineffective behaviour.

 

So you need a new behaviour which reduces your anxiety, without the nasty side-effect you're experiencing.

 

Have a think about that.

 

Exactly.

Pretty good summation.

[Rko28]

My feeling is that you are suffering anxiety to such a degree that it is having a negative effect on your wellbeing, and that you are engaging in behaviours that you are not happy with, which cause you concern about yourself.

 

You can't reduce your anxiety by indulging in behaviours which you are not comfortable with, which you consider to be a problem.

 

You don't like what you're doing. It makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

What you are doing increases your anxiety, rather than reducing it.

 

Its an ineffective behaviour.

 

So you need a new behaviour which reduces your anxiety, without the nasty side-effect you're experiencing.

 

Have a think about that.

 

You will be happy to know that ive booked a session with a therapist for next week about my anxiety, however quite a few people have told me how im acting now after finding out about a lie is natural.

 

Will be interesting to see what he says.

[kendahke]

 

I understand what you mean about liars, but there is a chance that she is tellign the truth about why she lied.

 

So now, we're onto speculating about intention... and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[lolablue17]

She lied because she knew that telling you the truth will hurt you, and will make an "issue" between you.

 

You know that cheating is much more painful than what she did. So if she can't tell you a minor hurtful truth, I can guaranty that there is no chance in the world she will tell you the truth about MAJOR hurtful truth.

 

The usual process of honest people is that when they young and fresh, they always honest. In years when they have children and they start developing the desire for new thrills, the may turn lie because it's very difficult admitting a felony to your spouse of 15-20 years.

 

Your girlfriend chose to lie while it is all fresh so her starting point is not so promising. You also don't know what could her response be if you told her half of what you know, to see if she only admits things that you already know.

 

Looking at her FB won't help you because smart people never keep secrets on FB. If you can avoid it, avoid it. If you can't help yourself and you decide to look (i recommend not to), do it, and after that tell her that you have trust issues and ask if she is willing to let you looking at her FB and whatsapp.

 

If you find that she deleted stuff for your eyes only, well- she's a serial liar. But the problem that if she's found innocent, it will not calm you down.

[Satu]

You will be happy to know that ive booked a session with a therapist for next week about my anxiety, however quite a few people have told me how im acting now after finding out about a lie is natural.

 

Will be interesting to see what he says.

 

Glad to hear that you're going into therapy.

 

That should be a big help.

 

It's an investment in yourself.

[Rko28]

so many conflicting things of how to handle all this and what steps to take.

 

It really is confusing.

[Satu]

so many conflicting things of how to handle all this and what steps to take.

 

It really is confusing.

 

Thats understandable.

 

Use some stress reducing measures methods to unwind.

 

Do some breathing.

 

Do some yoga or stretching.

 

Go for a swim.

 

Go get a massage.

 

Go see a movie.

 

Eat something really nice and healthy.

 

Or do whatever else that works for you.

 

You'll figure out whats best for you.

[evanescentworld]

She lied because she knew that telling you the truth will hurt you, and will make an "issue" between you.

....

 

Your girlfriend chose to lie while it is all fresh so her starting point is not so promising.

 

Actually, I can comment on this from personal experience.

 

Their relationship was relatively new, but I wouldn't describe it as 'fresh'.

 

They first dated in September. So it had been a fair while, and it is possible they knew each other better than one might first presume....

 

Now, my first husband and I were together, and dating for around 4 months. I was 21 at the time, and he was my real, first big love.

 

One Friday evening, the guy I worked for, invited me and two colleagues (1M, 1F) to go for a drink with him as it was his birthday.

We all toddled to the pub, and after we'd been there for less than a half-hour, my 2 colleagues said they were leaving, as they'd both made alternative plans for that night.

 

I rang my H from the pub 'phone (no mobiles in those days!) to tell him where I was, and that I was having a drink with buddies. But not with the Boss.

 

.....of whom my ex-H was very jealous.

 

I don't know why. he wasn't a particularly macho, alpha good-looking guy in any stereotypical sense of the word.

The thing is, I deliberately withheld that bit of info, because I already knew my ex-H was an irrationally suspicious, jealous insecure guy.

 

My ex discovered I had been with my boss for the evening - alone - because the guy had also been my SiL's boss, and she happened to know it was his birthday, rang his fiancée to ask where he was, and... well, so it unfolded.

 

Like I said, I actually tried to protect my ex's feelings because I knew he would be hurt and upset at my going for a drink with the Boss.

As it happened, he sadly became doubly upset for that reason - AND the fact I'd lied to him.

 

Damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

 

It was a dumb thing to do, obviously.

The reason was there, the intention was good, but it really made much more of a mess than it should have done...

 

So, from that perspective - It's possible that Rko28's GF already knew full well that he had some security issues, and was a jealous type.

I don't know.

We don't know what kind of discussions they had about such matters, or whether through his actions and words, she picked up on it anyway, hence her desire to conceal things.

In order to shield him from being hurt....

 

I can see this from both PoV's.

She lied to protect his feelings to prevent him from becoming suspicious and/or insecure.

 

Then, the dumb-wit went and tweeted stuff.

 

Oh the joys of modern technology!

 

So maybe, as we only have his side of things, it's possible this was something she picked up on.

 

With the threads created, it would certainly seem as if Rko28's issues may be more transparent than he thinks....?

[Rko28]

She lied because she knew that telling you the truth will hurt you, and will make an "issue" between you.

 

You know that cheating is much more painful than what she did. So if she can't tell you a minor hurtful truth, I can guaranty that there is no chance in the world she will tell you the truth about MAJOR hurtful truth.

 

The usual process of honest people is that when they young and fresh, they always honest. In years when they have children and they start developing the desire for new thrills, the may turn lie because it's very difficult admitting a felony to your spouse of 15-20 years.

 

Your girlfriend chose to lie while it is all fresh so her starting point is not so promising. You also don't know what could her response be if you told her half of what you know, to see if she only admits things that you already know.

 

Looking at her FB won't help you because smart people never keep secrets on FB. If you can avoid it, avoid it. If you can't help yourself and you decide to look (i recommend not to), do it, and after that tell her that you have trust issues and ask if she is willing to let you looking at her FB and whatsapp.

 

If you find that she deleted stuff for your eyes only, well- she's a serial liar. But the problem that if she's found innocent, it will not calm you down.

 

Yea my friends have said not to look at it also and forget about that, problem is im sure if I found nothing it would calm me down.

 

I also agree about it not being a good start point, twice shes gone away in the past 4 months "working" but looking at this guys twitter he has just happened to be in the same place on that date.

Shes told me about him, a much older man off holiday, ive seen pictures of him and tbh I dont consider him a threat, 2nd time away she said she was meeting him as he was on a course there. I had no problem at all and didnt think twice about it.

 

This is what I mean, im questioning literally EVERYTHING now. EVERYTHING!

[Rko28]

 

So, from that perspective - It's possible that Rko28's GF already knew full well that he had some security issues, and was a jealous type.

I don't know.

We don't know what kind of discussions they had about such matters, or whether through his actions and words, she picked up on it anyway, hence her desire to conceal things.

In order to shield him from being hurt....

 

I can see this from both PoV's.

She lied to protect his feelings to prevent him from becoming suspicious and/or insecure.

 

Then, the dumb-wit went and tweeted stuff.

 

Oh the joys of modern technology!

 

So maybe, as we only have his side of things, it's possible this was something she picked up on.

 

With the threads created, it would certainly seem as if Rko28's issues may be more transparent than he thinks....?

 

We were pretty much strangers, met through a mutual friend in April, got on well, added each other on FB but didnt chat or anything. We all went out again in August, we clicked, we kissed, arranged a date for when we were both free which was september as she was going on a family holiday.

 

We've talked about our pasts, i didnt mention being insecure etc because its only recently ive realised thats what it is. We both said about our morals.

 

She has had 2 LTR and only had sex with them which she told me openly, her friends also confirmed this before we even dated saying what a good girl she was. She was cheated on during a 6 year relationship and said she was glad we got together in september rather april because she wasnt herself then but is all sorted now mentally.

 

In these 4 months weve been very closr, cuddles, kisses etc and have slept over a few times but we havent had sex, she said she wanted to truely get to know me before that happened which is fine by me, dont get me wrong I love sex but I have no problem with waiting for the time is right.

 

Its the above that makes me think she isnt having sex or goign around cheating

 

Also it wasnt her that tweeted about NYE, I saw one of the friends she told me she was with was actually in a completely different town!

[Satu]

Yea my friends have said not to look at it also and forget about that, problem is im sure if I found nothing it would calm me down.

 

I also agree about it not being a good start point, twice shes gone away in the past 4 months "working" but looking at this guys twitter he has just happened to be in the same place on that date.

Shes told me about him, a much older man off holiday, ive seen pictures of him and tbh I dont consider him a threat, 2nd time away she said she was meeting him as he was on a course there. I had no problem at all and didnt think twice about it.

 

This is what I mean, im questioning literally EVERYTHING now. EVERYTHING!

 

The still point is inside you.

 

Anxiety is part physical and part mental. It happens on the border between thought and feeling.

 

One way you can address it comes from the mental - using affirmations, chanting, meditation, talking about it, hypnosis or whatever else you feel inclined to try.

 

The other way you can address it comes from the body - exercise, breathing, relaxations techniques or whatever else you want to try.

 

All of these approaches can be helpful, and it doesn't matter much which you choose to employ.

 

Be adventurous - try a few things out.

[Rko28]

Thats understandable.

 

Use some stress reducing measures methods to unwind.

 

Do some breathing.

 

Do some yoga or stretching.

 

Go for a swim.

 

Go get a massage.

 

Go see a movie.

 

Eat something really nice and healthy.

 

Or do whatever else that works for you.

 

You'll figure out whats best for you.

 

going out for a meal with my best friends tonight