Do I access her facebook after my trust has been shaken?

[kendahke]

I agree with you that married couples should be more transparent than someone merely dating. I wasn't insinuating at anytime that I thought he should snoop or invade her privacy. For me, her body language would tell the story just by him asking to see her fb messages. I know if I was dating someone seriously that had lied recently and I asked to see something and they got fidgety or defensive, I would know all I needed at that point. Thus my saying, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I wouldn't expect her to give up her passwords and lock codes, but she is lying about simple things such as her whereabouts so who's to say she wouldn't lie about fb messages or texts. Asking for proof that she isn't texting or messaging someone else isn't too far fetched at this point IMO.

 

we are in agreement on those points.

[Satu]

The lack of trust has scuppered it.

 

Best to forget all about it.

[Rko28]

Will you be putting a tracker on her car?

 

She did tell you a lie, after all...

 

There's no need to be like that.

[Satu]

There's no need to be like that.

 

I agree.

 

Invading people's privacy is never a good thing.

[Rko28]

Had to 'cent rate'....?

 

I often have very busy days that mean my H and I do not get to text/talk/communicate at all. Sometimes, I get to work, and I do not stop, sit down, or have time for a break, and have to 'eat on the run' as it were.

 

And just before Christmas, the weather where I live was quite very bad, and both my H and I completely forgot we had been invited out to dinner that evening....We made it, about a half-hour late.... fortunately our 'hosts' were totally understanding....

 

Boy, you know, I think it would just be fairer on the pair of you if you backed out of this one, called it a day, and chalked it up to experience....

 

I'm sorry but under no circumstances after you discussed it the evening before, even had a text asking about it in the morning do you "forget" you were meant to be seeing your other half.

 

I understand the not texting in the day, I have days like that too but I've NEVER forgot about meeting my girl after it, if anything I'd be looking forward to it after a busy day!

[kendahke]

She had such a busy day she didn't have time to text, then on her journey home the weather was so bad she had to cent rate hard to get home and forgot she was meant to see me and she was soaked through from the terrible weather.

 

 

Unbelievable

 

So... ...what? Is she just not going to meet up with you. Dry off, change clothes, go meet up. What's the problem?

 

People remember what is important for them to remember.

 

I"m telling you--go ghost for the next 4 days.

[Satu]

This thread has become an exercise in futility.

 

The OP will not take any responsibility for his actions.

 

Bye bye.

[Rko28]

So... ...what? Is she just not going to meet up with you. Dry off, change clothes, go meet up. What's the problem?

 

People remember what is important for them to remember.

 

I"m telling you--go ghost for the next 4 days.

 

We live about 40 minute drive from each other and by sounds of it she's had a crazy day. Probably needs an early night.

 

I am going to hang back now though.

[evanescentworld]

No, I'd hang back for good.

 

you can't live with this doubt, and snooping is wrong.

 

She can't live with having to watch every single thing she says or does, because you're never ever going to trust her completely.

 

It's dead in the water.

 

I would communicate with her that you have different values and priorities, so you believe there's an incompatibility there.

Wish her well, but you're drawing a close to this relationship.

 

"Have a good life, all the best, Rko28".

 

Just cease now, because to continue is frankly, futile.

[Rko28]

 

She can't live with having to watch every single thing she says or does, because you're never ever going to trust her completely.

 

.

 

She doesn't though, that's the thing I keep saying, she doesn't know, all she knows is that I saw the Twitter thing accidentally, she doesn't know about anything else.

 

Today wasn't snooping either, I was working on my company Facebook page and she popped up a few times on the timeline news post. I didn't go looking for it.

 

I admit I did snoop up until coming on here but only after finding out about her lie. I am now trying to do it less after advice on here

[evanescentworld]

She doesn't though, that's the thing I keep saying, she doesn't know, all she knows is that I saw the Twitter thing accidentally, she doesn't know about anything else.

.....

 

I admit I did snoop up until coming on here but only after finding out about her lie. I am now trying to do it less after advice on here

 

BUT - YOU - ARE - NEVER - GOING - TO - TRUST - HER - COMPLETELY, I said!!

 

It doesn't really matter whether she knows or not.

 

YOU know.

 

And as I said, this isn't going to work, unless you can ditch the mistrust and quit this whole 'checking up on her' notion.

 

And by your own admittance, in your current frame of mind, that's going to be impossible.

 

End this, now, in the way I suggested.

 

And fer chrissakes, quit arguing every point and just accept that someone else might be right, for a change!!

[Rko28]

Morning everyone.

 

Ok so last night we both had a long talk about what was going on.

 

I said I wasnt happy how last night had played out and that she "forgot" about meeting up but excepted she had a busy day.

I also mentioned that I felt I wasnt fitting into her life anymore and not a part. Her response was that she knew what I meant but that she wanted to see her friends a bit more as she hadnt a chance the past few months. I said there was no way at all I wanted to come between her job and/or friends but just that I dont think I see her enough and its frustrating.

 

Her response was that shes trying to juggle everything at the minute but she misses not seeing me and obviously wants to see me but she wants to see her friends too etc.

 

I was fine with this, I made it clear I wasnt wanting her to stop seeing her friends but to maybe be more considerate when being late/not being able to make dates etc to let me know rather than leave me hanging.

She accepted that and said she wasnt worried id brought it up and she could see where I was coming from.

 

Since this talk I've had a much clearer mind. I have realised she has now had 2 or possibly 3 chances to walk away these past 2 weeks but hasnt, in my mind that means she is wanting to make a go of this.

 

I trust her that she hasnt done anything sexual with another man.

 

Ive started making improvements for me.

Ive disabled the "last seen" status on whatsapp, I have deleted facebook off my phone and I havent checked up on her once today.

 

I am in the mindset now that I will put in to this what she puts in. I will carry on making the effort, for a while I will not do the chasing for a while.

[Javelin]

6 Pages later... and, still together huh?

 

 

Her response was that shes trying to juggle everything at the minute but she misses not seeing me and obviously wants to see me but she wants to see her friends too etc.

 

 

No wonder she's keeping you around! You're very easy to manipulate.

 

Also, what I want to know is: What do her friends have to do with you?

 

If she wants to hang out with HER friends, she can make plans on her own. Your relationship should NOT revolve around her plans. I mean, how many close-nit friends does she have? Is she trying to hang out with them all individually, every week? If so, that's quite literally impossible, if you're a normal working adult.

 

Seriously, step away from this relationship and find someone else. You're trying to commit to a person that gets off on using these type of controlling scenarios to make themselves feel important. It isn't worth it, there are others out there that wouldn't put you through any of this! Trust us, we read this same story several times a year, and it always ends the same way.

 

(Stay at your own risk.)

Edited January 16, 2015 by Javelin

[dental]

Rko28,

 

I really sorry to say that how it looks to me is that you have been friendzoned.

[Rko28]

Update:

 

Yesterday was my 1st Therapy session to talk about my anxiety, trust, and general issues I may have.

 

It was a 1 hour session that went well but not too deep in to my history.

 

I pretty much explained everything thats happened recently and covered everything that Ive wrote on here.

 

The therapist came up with the conclusion that I like to be in control of things and get anxious when im not, a relationship being one of the prime things you are not in control of. This led to the whole checking up scenario ive been doing and not having trust and faith.

 

I explained the new year thing kinda proved me right in checking up but I should except her reason why she did it and not build up scenarios of the worst possible thing happening. Always look for Facts and evidence.

 

The checking up thing he said wouldnt offer any results because whatever I found I could twist it, imagine the worse and make a mountain out of a mole hill. He said doing this could push her away also.

 

He didnt say the relationship is ruined but said to cut out the checking up (although he didnt offer any advice how to do this.)

 

Just a little update for those that are still interested in my story.

[evanescentworld]

.....but said to cut out the checking up (although he didnt offer any advice how to do this.)

 

Yes he did.

 

He said "Cut out the checking up".

 

So you cut out the checking up.

You cease. Desist. Don't do it.

 

Period.

 

Simple, sorted.

[kendahke]

He didnt say the relationship is ruined but said to cut out the checking up (although he didnt offer any advice how to do this.)

 

You want to know how to stop? Tell her to change her password. That you've been reading her facebook account and you can't stop doing it. That will stop you from doing this.

 

Bet you won't do that.

[Rko28]

You want to know how to stop? Tell her to change her password. That you've been reading her facebook account and you can't stop doing it. That will stop you from doing this.

 

Bet you won't do that.

 

I havent even read her facebook messages. I deleted the cache and history without even logging in.

 

So yes you're right I wont tell her that because I havent done it.

[Chi townD]

I agree.

 

Invading people's privacy is never a good thing.

 

 

 

This guy never entered into her Facebook account! He didn't do it! All he's seeing is status updates on his feed. Cut this guy some slack...geez.

[kendahke]

This guy never entered into her Facebook account! He didn't do it! All he's seeing is status updates on his feed. Cut this guy some slack...geez.

 

that's even sadder... because he can block her and he won't because he needs his fix.

 

Gotta hit rock bottom I guess.

[Chi townD]

Okay, Look Rko.... She betrayed your trust and the both of you are trying to rug sweep this whole thing. Here's the rub, you can't rug sweep this! It's too big and won't fit under the carpet. I mean, this wasn't just an evening out. It was for several days with other people that you met on holiday!

 

 

Who are these people? Where did she stay? What is the relationship status of these people? Lot's of questions need to be answered, and I'm pretty sure she probably won't be forth coming.

 

 

It feels like she avoiding you like the plague. Why? Is she feeling guilty about something? Or are you turning into a boyfriend of convenience? Seeing you when SHE feels like seeing you. Calling you when SHE feels like calling you.

 

 

Not a betting man, but I have a feeling that if you broke up, her next relationship will be with someone she went away with on that NYE getaway. Just a gut feeling.

[Rko28]

that's even sadder... because he can block her and he won't because he needs his fix.

 

Gotta hit rock bottom I guess.

 

Sad because I'm on facebook and it pops u on my timeline if she does something? Yea ok....

[Rko28]

Okay, Look Rko.... She betrayed your trust and the both of you are trying to rug sweep this whole thing. Here's the rub, you can't rug sweep this! It's too big and won't fit under the carpet. I mean, this wasn't just an evening out. It was for several days with other people that you met on holiday!

 

 

Who are these people? Where did she stay? What is the relationship status of these people? Lot's of questions need to be answered, and I'm pretty sure she probably won't be forth coming.

 

 

It feels like she avoiding you like the plague. Why? Is she feeling guilty about something? Or are you turning into a boyfriend of convenience? Seeing you when SHE feels like seeing you. Calling you when SHE feels like calling you.

 

 

Not a betting man, but I have a feeling that if you broke up, her next relationship will be with someone she went away with on that NYE getaway. Just a gut feeling.

 

Call me a fool but I don't think she did anything with any of them. 2 of them are married and the other one is their brother, a lot older than us and tbh without sounding big headed isn't a threat.

She stayed in their house she says and I've got to have faith and trust that what she did.

 

As for the convenience thing? Well it is something ive thought recently, today is an example:

I found a lump over Xmas and had a hospital appointment today to Investigate it, Monday was the 1st I mentioned it to her, she asked why I hadn't told her and said "mind you it's probably because I had no life over Xmas and couldn't see you, I'm sure it will be fine" then carried on talking about herself.

 

This morning I had a text about what she was up to, I didn't reply because I thought, you know what? I've got a massive worry about today on my mind. A bit later she text asking how I got on in hospital, I reminded her it was an afternoon appointment 2pm for 1 hour, in which she replied let me know how you get on.

 

That was 4 hours ago, I accidentally left my phone at home and have just got in, luckily thank god I have nothing to worry about. Sadly nothing off her to see why I haven't let her know.

 

Maybe I'm expecting too much of people...

[umirano]

1. You're getting horrible advice here
   
2. I went through a very similarly dysfunctional RS
   
3. Get out now, preserve the sanity that you have left
   

You're not expecting too much.Your GF doesn't give a damn, you're being her doormat. You will never figure out whether she cheated or not, but mind you, still waters go deep. I never found out either, and it didn't matter because the indifference with which my ex treated me at times was easily enough to give her the shoe (and I did, I was just too damn infatuated and I took her back like four times). I have been treated like dirt, and you're being treated like dirt.

 

 

She talks to you, like this morning when it's absolutely necessary, but then conveniently forgets about you. Or she generally has better things to do with her time than taking an interest in you.

 

With my ex it turned out she wasn't being so indifferent bc she was a horrible person, but because she was overloaded with fears and anxiety about her own life, she was simply not in a position to care about a BF on any remotely normal level.

 

I suggest you walk.

 

PS: Glad the check up relieved you of your worries

Edited January 21, 2015 by umirano

[Rko28]

1. You're getting horrible advice here
   
2. I went through a very similarly dysfunctional RS
   
3. Get out now, preserve the sanity that you have left
   

You're not expecting too much.Your GF doesn't give a damn, you're being her doormat. You will never figure out whether she cheated or not, but mind you, still waters go deep. I never found out either, and it didn't matter because the indifference with which my ex treated me at times was easily enough to give her the shoe (and I did, I was just too damn infatuated and I took her back like four times). I have been treated like dirt, and you're being treated like dirt.

 

 

She talks to you, like this morning when it's absolutely necessary, but then conveniently forgets about you. Or she generally has better things to do with her time than taking an interest in you.

 

With my ex it turned out she wasn't being so indifferent bc she was a horrible person, but because she was overloaded with fears and anxiety about her own life, she was simply not in a position to care about a BF on any remotely normal level.

 

I suggest you walk.

 

PS: Glad the check up relieved you of your worries

 

I am inclined to agree, the more and more I think of it I'm seeing that she might have been this self indulgent all along, it's just I was so wrapped up in her I ignored it also she is partly deaf in one ear, I thought ok she's not wanting to hear much about me because she can't hear me.

 

Incidentally it's my birthday a week today, it's all going to come down to that, how she treats me, makes an effort like I would for her.

 

If there's nothing there then, I'm walking.

 

Thanks for your well wishes and comments