Do I access her facebook after my trust has been shaken?

[Satu]

going out for a meal with my best friends tonight

 

Have a lovely evening!

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know why you even bother any longer. It's obvious that you don't trust her and she's at fault for that for lying. Now you either do one of two things. Let it go and keep on being distrustful or move on and find someone else.

 

If I have to have my head full of doubts about the girl I'm with, then I'm not a happy guy and it would be time to move on.

[jezzika]

The first thing you need to do is clear the cache on your computer. Poof...now that issue is taken away. You'll feel better about yourself. What she has within her messages on fb is her own private business.

 

The lie, the lack of trust...those are the real issues and until you have a very deep conversation about these things and how they make you feel, nothing can ever feel right in the trust arena. It still may not feel right after the conversation. You must have the conversation though and it needs to include what you expect out of the relationship. If the conversation doesn't resolve things then you need to move on with your life.

[lolablue17]

... im questioning literally EVERYTHING now. EVERYTHING!

 

That is why there isn't such a thing as an "understandable lie". Small or white lies are very dangerous. It's a slippery slope.

[lolablue17]

She lied to protect his feelings to prevent him from becoming suspicious and/or insecure. ?

 

Well, it wasn't going so well for her, was it?

 

You know, i understand better when real cheaters lie. Because their dilemma is huge. If they tell the truth, they may destroy the marriage\R.

 

But to lie just to avoid some inconvenience? That means that you will always lie, because minor incidents always happen.

[Spectre]

To the OP, if you want to stay with her then yeah snoop, you have that right. You essentially have the right to protect your heart.

 

I know the urge is great to invade her Facebook, but seriously--you already know everything you need to know about her AND you still maintain the moral high road. Twitter did an excellent job of busting her. She's a liar and she's not acting like someone who is in a relationship or wants to be in one with you.

 

Just clear your cache on your computer and maintain your dignity. No sense in stooping to deceit just like her.

 

I find this response disturbing. This girl is a liar, so when you say things like "you still maintain the moral high ground" it doesn't make sense. He doesn't lose the moral high ground if he merely snoops in her Facebook. You'd totally be right if she had given him no reason to snoop, but alas she did, so he still holds firm onto that high road.

 

Likewise, your "maintain your dignity" comment was false. She broke the trust, his dignity can remain fully in tact even if he snoops.

 

So now, we're onto speculating about intention... and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

The guy wants the whole truth so I can't knock him for that. The girl has shown she won't give him the truth, so he has to get it any way he can.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Spectre

[evanescentworld]

.......

But to lie just to avoid some inconvenience? That means that you will always lie, because minor incidents always happen.

 

It wasn't (for my part, certainly) to 'avoid some inconvenience'.

 

I admitted it was misguided and wrong, but my motivation AT THE TIME was to avoid causing him insecurity and heartbreak, by telling him what he didn't want to hear.

And I went for a drink with my boss (and colleagues - I had no idea we'd end up alone!) because dammit, I felt like it, and why the hell shouldn't I?

 

But it was my fault for confusing the issues and trying to please everyone all the time.

 

But at the time, it felt the right way to go.

It wasn't - but it felt like it.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 vision.

And just for the record:

I hate lying, now.

I can't bring myself to do it, and hate it when it's done to me.

I understand when people state their reasons, but I still don't like it, or agree with it.

[kendahke]

He doesn't lose the moral high ground if he merely snoops in her Facebook.

 

Yes he does. It matters not a jot if you don't agree.

 

Likewise, your "maintain your dignity" comment was false. She broke the trust, his dignity can remain fully in tact even if he snoops.

 

Snooping is being deceitful, so that comment is quite true, even if you don't want to agree with it. There is no excuse for snooping. He knows all he needs to know to make all the decisions he needs to make without stooping to deceit.

 

The guy wants the whole truth so I can't knock him for that. The girl has shown she won't give him the truth, so he has to get it any way he can.

 

Twitter gave him the truth.

 

I see this my way. You see it your way. OP's going to a therapist to get professional help in dealing with this, which is what he really should do.

[Satu]

 

I cant tell her the full extent that ive been checking up on her movements on whats app etc can I?

 

Honesty has to be a two way thing.

[evanescentworld]

Oh what a tangled we we weave,

When first we practise to deceive!

 

If you expect honesty and transparency from her, she has every right to think you would give her the same courtesy.

 

Originally Posted by Rko28

I cant tell her the full extent that ive been checking up on her movements on whats app etc can I?

 

Why not, exactly?

 

I'm serious. Think about this before you answer.... why can't you? Put it into words.

 

Then think of why she originally lied to you.

 

See the similarity?

[Satu]

To the OP, if you want to stay with her then yeah snoop, you have that right.

 

No, he doesn't. Everyone has has a right to privacy.

 

This how the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states this:

 

Article 12.

 

"No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks."

 

Under US law this applies:

 

"Distinct from the right of publicity protected by state common or statutory law, a broader right of privacy has been inferred in the Constitution. Although not explicity stated in the text of the Constitution, in 1890 then to be Justice Louis Brandeis extolled 'a right to be left alone.' This right has developed into a liberty of personal autonomy protected by the 14th amendment. The 1st, 4th, and 5th Amendments also provide some protection of privacy, although in all cases the right is narrowly defined. The Constitutional right of privacy has developed alongside a statutory right of privacy which limits access to personal information."

 

Deliberately violating someone's privacy is a criminal act.

 

Sorry if you don't like that.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Satu

[Thicke2013]

If I were you, I would ask to see her fb. Her reaction will tell you a lot. She is the one who was dishonest so she should understand the insecurity. Seems I've said this a lot lately. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[Satu]

If I were you, I would ask to see her fb. Her reaction will tell you a lot. She is the one who was dishonest so she should understand the insecurity. Seems I've said this a lot lately. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Can I have your login details for everything, then?

[Thicke2013]

Can I have your login details for everything, then?

 

My wife has my login for my laptop, fb and she knows the lock code on my phone. I have nothing to hide from her and if she asked to see any of the above I would have no problem with it. Because I have nothing to hide. If the OP's gf had not damaged the trust by lying to her bf, he wouldn't feel she has something to hide either. If he asks, she still has the right to say no. IMO though, if she does then he has his answer. I still feel it's a better solution than snooping. Lies have consequences and maybe a loss of privacy is one of those consequences for a while. SHE damaged the trust and if she chooses, SHE must take steps to earn it back. She doesn't get to lie regarding her whereabouts, then claim it was so he wouldn't get mad, and then stand behind the defense of "it's my privacy". Sorry, but those excuses wouldn't work for me. If it were just the OP being overly jealous and curious then I would agree. Not the case since she admittedly lied to him. The damage is done.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Thicke2013

[Rko28]

Wow it really seems to have split opinion on here tonight.

for what it's worth ive spoken to my friends about it tonight, well my closest 2, they have said not to check it as it will start me on a slippery path.

 

Their advice is to give her one more chance and if she fails this then it's all her fault.

 

Interestingly enough ive just noticed a trend, something she has never done before. Since all this happened she is tagging her locations on facebook, eg today she tagged she was at the gym, the other day tagged she was out with her friend.

 

Is this possibly her checking in for me without actually telling me?

[Rko28]

Oh what a tangled we we weave,

When first we practise to deceive!

 

If you expect honesty and transparency from her, she has every right to think you would give her the same courtesy.

 

 

 

Why not, exactly?

 

I'm serious. Think about this before you answer.... why can't you? Put it into words.

 

Then think of why she originally lied to you.

See the similarity?

Because she might think I'm crazy and possessive? Even though I think I do have a right to think this.

even though I have nothing to hide on my phone or facebook I wouldn't feel comfortable giving her access to any of them at 4 months into this

[Rko28]

Yes he does. It matters not a jot if you don't agree.

 

 

 

Snooping is being deceitful, so that comment is quite true, even if you don't want to agree with it. There is no excuse for snooping. He knows all he needs to know to make all the decisions he needs to make without stooping to deceit.

 

 

 

Twitter gave him the truth.

 

I see this my way. You see it your way. OP's going to a therapist to get professional help in dealing with this, which is what he really should do.

 

Twitter gave me the truth on this occasion but there is a huge part of me thinking if there is someone else or some thing else untoward going on.

[Rko28]

It wasn't (for my part, certainly) to 'avoid some inconvenience'.

 

I admitted it was misguided and wrong, but my motivation AT THE TIME was to avoid causing him insecurity and heartbreak, by telling him what he didn't want to hear.

And I went for a drink with my boss (and colleagues - I had no idea we'd end up alone!) because dammit, I felt like it, and why the hell shouldn't I?

 

But it was my fault for confusing the issues and trying to please everyone all the time.

 

But at the time, it felt the right way to go.

It wasn't - but it felt like it.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 vision.

And just for the record:

I hate lying, now.

I can't bring myself to do it, and hate it when it's done to me.

I understand when people state their reasons, but I still don't like it, or agree with it.

 

Although we spoke face to face about all this, when I got in that night she text another apology and again went over her reasons for lying. the reason is as follows:

 

"I really didnt want you thinking I was going off you or didnt want to see you, I know I should have been with you on new year but after working 14 hour days and not eating properly or having any kind of life I just wanted to get away and have a blow out far away from here and have a change of scenery for a couple of days. If I said I was with the crew then I thought that might have sounded better and you would have understood a bit better why I was going rather than just to see friends off holiday. Im sorry I lied and I hated doing it, im not that kind of girl and I shouldve just told you the truth"

[justa_guy]

Lying this soon in the relationship is not a good sign.

 

There may or may not be something else going on here, but that's not the problem.

 

Right now you can't trust her, sounds like she's gaslighting and this is bringing out co-dependant traits in you. This will end one of two ways, you'll push her away with neediness and questioning her, or she'll start manipulating & lying to you while starting another relationship and then end it swiftly, before moving along in this new relationship.

 

Either way it's not going to end well, you should end it now, go NC and spend awhile being single and working on yourself, re-evaluate your Self Esteem and address your childhood issues that are bringing out this behaviour.

 

Chat to your psych and work out your issues, this relationship sounds toxic for you right now. There are women out there that don't lie and manipulate, you can do better, but only if you work on your own issues first. Otherwise you'll constantly attract this type.

 

Best of luck, I know it'll be really hard to end this, but It'll be for the best. If she really is faithful and made a mistake, she'll understand that you need time, and the two of you may get together again in the future. If she wasn't faithful or was cultivating an Emotional Affair she'll move on really quickly with this new guy and be bitchy to you.

[Rko28]

I think tonight im goign to instegate a conversation about our future.

 

We had planned to meet tonight but she told me last night because of the weather she might not be able to which is fair enough but she would let me know.

 

This morning I replied to her text from like 3am when she text me saying she was wide awake and couldnt sleep, and asking how the weather is her end for later... no reply.

 

I can see shes been on whatsapp (not stalking just genuinely wanted to see shes ok and nothing bads happened in this weather)

 

Its like she has no respect for me, just let me know so I can plan something else with my evening.

 

It was a similar scenario last saturday. Before christmas she wouldve done anything to see me or keep in touch to let me know.

 

Her heart doesnt seem in this so im going to bring it up and get this sorted once and for all.

[lolablue17]

Although we spoke face to face about all this, when I got in that night she text another apology and again went over her reasons for lying. the reason is as follows:

 

"I really didnt want you thinking I was going off you or didnt want to see you, I know I should have been with you on new year but after working 14 hour days and not eating properly or having any kind of life I just wanted to get away and have a blow out far away from here and have a change of scenery for a couple of days. If I said I was with the crew then I thought that might have sounded better and you would have understood a bit better why I was going rather than just to see friends off holiday. Im sorry I lied and I hated doing it, im not that kind of girl and I shouldve just told you the truth"

I belong to those who said that there is no "understandable lie".

 

But it doesn't mean you have to break up with her. people sometimes forgive even cheating.

 

All you can ask for her now that you wish her to love you, to trust you and to feel comfortable and free to tell you everything, including times when she prefer to be not with you, or any hurting other facts.

 

And you can also work on yourself to be able to react with love and patient want to soak and contain her without judging her, to give her a safe environment to tell you everything.

[Rko28]

I belong to those who said that there is no "understandable lie".

 

But it doesn't mean you have to break up with her. people sometimes forgive even cheating.

 

All you can ask for her now that you wish her to love you, to trust you and to feel comfortable and free to tell you everything, including times when she prefer to be not with you, or any hurting other facts.

 

And you can also work on yourself to be able to react with love and patient want to soak and contain her without judging her, to give her a safe environment to tell you everything.

 

If she was behaving better and making an effort I would forgive her or at least try.

 

Im not sure if youve seen my last post? it just seems like shes not bothered anymore, I thought she would have doubled her efforts to see me after all this.

[kendahke]

My wife has my login for my laptop, fb and she knows the lock code on my phone. I have nothing to hide from her and if she asked to see any of the above I would have no problem with it. Because I have nothing to hide. If the OP's gf had not damaged the trust by lying to her bf, he wouldn't feel she has something to hide either. If he asks, she still has the right to say no. IMO though, if she does then he has his answer. I still feel it's a better solution than snooping. Lies have consequences and maybe a loss of privacy is one of those consequences for a while. SHE damaged the trust and if she chooses, SHE must take steps to earn it back. She doesn't get to lie regarding her whereabouts, then claim it was so he wouldn't get mad, and then stand behind the defense of "it's my privacy". Sorry, but those excuses wouldn't work for me. If it were just the OP being overly jealous and curious then I would agree. Not the case since she admittedly lied to him. The damage is done.

 

The courts have stated that married couples have less of an expectation of privacy on a computer that is used within the marital home, be it a laptop or a desktop, than would a boyfriend/girlfriend who do not cohabit. So I would say that one's spouse would have less of an expectation of privacy due to the nature of and legal ramifications involved in marriage.

 

Interception of a Communique in Transit is part of the Federal Wiretapping Statutes. People have successfully been prosecuted for snooping using this. It all depends how vindictive the person whose privacy was violated decides to be, or if they even know this exists at all to punish the person who snooped.

 

Having nothing to hide has nothing to do with not wanting someone all in one's business. That some have no problems with it is non sequitur to those who do--not everyone is you. Some people, like me, had a parent who would invade their privacy by picking the lock and reading their diary and so, do not like the idea of people taking it upon themselves to determine what about my thoughts they feel they have a right to know. I also had an ex who would reach for my journal the minute I left the room--and he was the one who was cheating. I don't cheat, but that still doesn't mean my partner can read my journals. With regards to emails, the people with whom I correspond didn't give anyone else but me permission to read what they said.

[kendahke]

Twitter gave me the truth on this occasion but there is a huge part of me thinking if there is someone else or some thing else untoward going on.

 

 

then you either end your relationship or find a way to rein that in. Any other path you take is going to lead you into some obsessive behavior that will take years of therapy to undo.

[lolablue17]

I understand how you feel.

 

Listen, if i were you i also would want to talk with her about everything, and in the past i actually did. I wish i had someone then, to give me the right advice.

 

And the right advice is not to talk to her at all as the next step. ignore her for few days, and go back to contact only if she is searching you desperately. and only THEN have that "talk". not before.

 

Because if you talk now, you put yourself in the needy position. it's like you are begging for her to answer you, and you're insulted, you're immature, and you are the weak in the equation. If you "talk" on the right timing, it's the opposite.