Do I access her facebook after my trust has been shaken?

[Chi townD]

Hate to say it, but you might as well walk. She'll only contact you when she wants to . But, she'll save stuff like this as an excuse to talk. "Hey, why didn't you call me back." Kind of crap. So, lets take inventory.

 

 

1. She ditches you on NYE.

 

 

2. She lies to you on who and where she was going.

 

 

3. You discover she lied.

 

 

4. She was gone for days and you really didn't know what happened, but she wants you to trust her that nothing happen (even though you caught her in a lie about it).

 

 

5. She was suppose to met up with you. And she stands you up claiming a Tsunami hit and she got wet and went home instead. Doesn't bother calling you.

 

 

6. When she does call, it's all about her and she seems put off talking about anything to do with you.

 

 

7. You have to go to the hospital and (as your girlfriend) she doesn't even bother to come along and see if you're alright and garner support.

 

 

 

 

Is this about right?

[kendahke]

Sad because I'm on facebook and it pops u on my timeline if she does something? Yea ok....

 

yes, because you're on here and in a therapist's office asking what you can do to stop obsessing about her Facebook movements and when it is suggested to you to stop following her/block her, all you got is sass, that's how invested you are in this desperate folly.

 

If you were serious about fixing yourself, this would be a no-brainer because you would know the value in not putting yourself in a position to be hurt and would do everything in your power to stay out of harm's way.

 

People whose actions on Facebook I don't want to know about, I block or unfollow. It really is not hard to do *IF* you want to do that. And THAT is how you stop checking up on them. You don't want to do that. Fine. Then don't. But you also have to take responsibility for the pain you're causing yourself by submitting yourself to that of your own volition.

[Diezel]

So, lets take inventory.

 

I won't even quote the whole post... but ChiTown knocks it out of the park.

OP's "girlfriend" sounds like a REAL winner.

[Rko28]

Without me even saying ANYTHING she called me up tonight, asked how I got on etc then completely opened up....

 

Apologised for not being herself recently, said that tomorrow she's going for counselling!!! Apologised again because she doesn't open up to people but wanted me to know she's not herself at the minute, feeling really down, depressed and fed up like she doesn't want to leave her bed each morning and she doesn't know why.

Said she's missing her father who died of cancer about 12 years ago and it's only now she's grieving, apologised for not saying how she was feeling but hopes tomorrow will sort things out.

 

Said her sleep patterns are messed up because she's stressed with work and can't switch off (explains random time of whatsapp messages and facebook and just constantly talking about it)and all she wants to do is go home and stay in bed because she's shattered (explains wanting to go home other night)

Said how she thought just getting away from everyone and getting drunk would've helped but it didn't (explains new year)

 

She hasn't had a period of time off since August.

 

I said I was here anytime if she wanted to speak and she was grateful but said she's going back to the councillor she saw when her father died, her mother made the appointment for her.

 

Suddenly everything is adding up.... Or I'm terribly naive?

[Diezel]

Personally, and this is just me... but, this sounds like a woman who was having something with someone else, it fell through and NOW she has all of these admissions.

 

Why wasn't she communicating all of these things BEFORE? Or WHILE it was happening? Why wait til NOW?

 

Something doesn't add up. But I'd rather be told I am cautious rather than be naive. I'm sure if you had done even HALF the things she has, you'd have hell to pay.

[umirano]

No, it is adding up. Like I thought she is in deep trouble and maybe even depressed. She is my ex to a T. Death father, messed up sleeping patterns, stressed out, wants to go drink, etc. I tell you she's not ready to be in a relationship.

 

I don't know your situation, but it seems to me that you are either a white knight, or slightly worse, about to enter a codependent relationship with her.

 

You aren't naive buying her story (though being troubled doesn't prevent her from cheating), she sounds credible. But you are naive to believe this clusterfnck will allow you to preserve your sanity. Her behavior will remain erratic and keep upsetting you until she gets a hard grip on her personal problems. You can't take that burden off of her.

 

She's probably not a bad person, but far from ready to be in a relationship.

 

Good luck

[Rko28]

Personally, and this is just me... but, this sounds like a woman who was having something with someone else, it fell through and NOW she has all of these admissions.

 

Why wasn't she communicating all of these things BEFORE? Or WHILE it was happening? Why wait til NOW?

 

Something doesn't add up. But I'd rather be told I am cautious rather than be naive. I'm sure if you had done even HALF the things she has, you'd have hell to pay.

 

Hmm, I am a bit cautious but trying to act like how I was advised in therapy.

 

I've seen her cry twice, once when I said I was ending it and the other time in October, the anniversary of her fathers death.

 

Up until then she was saying how strong she was then she asked to see me that day and broke down like a baby I front of me saying how much she missed him. She then apologised and said she's not usually Like that but had a tough day in work which added to it.

 

I think she's actually telling the truth

[Rko28]

No, it is adding up. Like I thought she is in deep trouble and maybe even depressed. She is my ex to a T. Death father, messed up sleeping patterns, stressed out, wants to go drink, etc. I tell you she's not ready to be in a relationship.

 

I don't know your situation, but it seems to me that you are either a white knight, or slightly worse, about to enter a codependent relationship with her.

 

You aren't naive buying her story (though being troubled doesn't prevent her from cheating), she sounds credible. But you are naive to believe this clusterfnck will allow you to preserve your sanity. Her behavior will remain erratic and keep upsetting you until she gets a hard grip on her personal problems. You can't take that burden off of her.

 

She's probably not a bad person, but far from ready to be in a relationship.

 

Good luck

 

A very valid post.

 

I actually went through something similar with a girl in 2009, turned out she was anorexic and ended it out of the blue because she couldn't handle a relationship.

 

It does sound like its bordering on depression doesn't it? As I've learnt there's nothing anyone can do to take it away.

 

The drink thing too, up until Xmas she wasn't a drinker but this year she's been out more times than since we first met. I'm fine with that but again, it's not a good thing if she is feeling depressed and thinks that's the answer

[umirano]

Why wasn't she communicating all of these things BEFORE? Or WHILE it was happening?

 

Because she feels ashamed and confused. She knows pretty much that she is a train wreck, about to take him down with her. Op, you're dating a girl who is a mental cripple right now, and that's probably not even her fault, but you are in for a very rough ride. Maybe you want to get off and let her sort out her problems and then try again. A fresh relationship is not likely to survive a depression of one of the partners...

[Rko28]

Because she feels ashamed and confused. She knows pretty much that she is a train wreck, about to take him down with her. Op, you're dating a girl who is a mental cripple right now, and that's probably not even her fault, but you are in for a very rough ride. Maybe you want to get off and let her sort out her problems and then try again. A fresh relationship is not likely to survive a depression of one of the partners...

 

How do you think I should tell her this? I don't want her thinking I'm abandoning her.

[Diezel]

Because she feels ashamed and confused.

 

Neither of those are reasons to lie to him in the first place. I guaran-damn-tee that phone call and all that shame and all that confusion would never be happening if he hadn't found out the truth about NYE.

 

Guaran.

 

Tee.

 

It.

[Rko28]

Neither of those are reasons to lie to him in the first place. I guaran-damn-tee that phone call and all that shame and all that confusion would never be happening if he hadn't found out the truth about NYE.

 

Guaran.

 

Tee.

 

It.

 

Do you think she's lying for me to feel sorry for her?

[Radu]

No, it is adding up. Like I thought she is in deep trouble and maybe even depressed. She is my ex to a T. Death father, messed up sleeping patterns, stressed out, wants to go drink, etc. I tell you she's not ready to be in a relationship.

 

I don't know your situation, but it seems to me that you are either a white knight, or slightly worse, about to enter a codependent relationship with her.

 

You aren't naive buying her story (though being troubled doesn't prevent her from cheating), she sounds credible. But you are naive to believe this clusterfnck will allow you to preserve your sanity. Her behavior will remain erratic and keep upsetting you until she gets a hard grip on her personal problems. You can't take that burden off of her.

 

She's probably not a bad person, but far from ready to be in a relationship.

 

Good luck

 

At which point she will dump you because she has improved herself and as such her status will go up.

[Rko28]

All these replies are very black and white

[Lion Heart]

What the???

 

You sound like such a great guy! Read what you wrote. .

 

She's telling the truth about why she lied??

 

She lied full stop!

To YOU HER PARTNER?

She lied.

While you were sick in bed, she's partying on NYE! Ummmmm

 

She's a liar. This is what they do! Reel you in with a confession.... sometimes ONCE THEY'RE CAUGHT.

 

I feel sorry for you man. My prediction is that you're gonna get ALOT of resistance if you follow my advice.

Get close, REALLY REALLY close to her.

Offer to accompany her on any outing you can.

Watch her body language. She's gonna squirm because she's doing stuff you've got no ideas about.

 

Be brave.

 

Lion Heart.

[Rko28]

The new years thing hasnt been mentioned now for 2 weeks, as far shes aware I accepted her apology and moved on, which in a way I am, I'm not getting that sick feeling thinking about it anymore.

 

Her opening up last night out of nowhere to a degree also explains her new years behaviour, run down from work, not seeing friends, not having a life, just wanting to escape the place for a couple of days.

 

Still not right the way she did it AT ALL, however I can see WHY she did it having felt like that myself back in 2009.

 

After her therapy today im going to tell her its maybe not such a great idea for us to continue whilst shes feeling like this, that its not fair on either of us as im feeling pushed away and she needs time on her own to sort through these issues.

 

It may be she will feel a lot better after today and start becoming the girl pre-xmas then start proving to me with actions not words that she wants to be with me or she might totally agree and we part company.

 

Im sure I will let you all know on here how it goes

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree---some bad advice on this thread.

 

OP, this chick is playing you like a fiddle. Do not beat yourself up over looking at her FB updates. Gimme a f-ing break. Check yourself out of "therapy" immediately. Put that money towards something useful, like a nice holiday.

 

This actress is fooling around with another guy. All those cockamamie excuses. One thing about a liar---their story always changes. She probably prides herself on each performance with you. You know---the theatre is filled with gaslighting.

 

Want to snoop her computer and see if she's boffing another man? Go right ahead. If you're still sexually involved with her, she's jeopardizing your health. Dan Savage will back me up on this one, naysayers. Be warned---it is a Pandora's Box. There will be some very hurtful stuff there, in all likelihood. But if it helps you move on, and romantically detach from this person, Nike.

 

My live-in girlfriend of a year gave me numerous NUMEROUS excuses as to why things weren't the same. Personal favorite: "I just don't need the emotional support of a man. I have friends." She of long nose. I snooped her computer and found some of the most vitriolic, narcissistic, delusional venom to ever fuel an affair-fog machine. She was over at the guy's place while I was at work baking him pies!

 

You drop this. No more dilly-dallying. Kick her ass to the curb and scoop what's left of your dignity up.

[Rko28]

I agree---some bad advice on this thread.

 

OP, this chick is playing you like a fiddle. Do not beat yourself up over looking at her FB updates. Gimme a f-ing break. Check yourself out of "therapy" immediately. Put that money towards something useful, like a nice holiday.

 

This actress is fooling around with another guy. All those cockamamie excuses. One thing about a liar---their story always changes. She probably prides herself on each performance with you. You know---the theatre is filled with gaslighting.

 

Want to snoop her computer and see if she's boffing another man? Go right ahead. If you're still sexually involved with her, she's jeopardizing your health. Dan Savage will back me up on this one, naysayers. Be warned---it is a Pandora's Box. There will be some very hurtful stuff there, in all likelihood. But if it helps you move on, and romantically detach from this person, Nike.

 

My live-in girlfriend of a year gave me numerous NUMEROUS excuses as to why things weren't the same. Personal favorite: "I just don't need the emotional support of a man. I have friends." She of long nose. I snooped her computer and found some of the most vitriolic, narcissistic, delusional venom to ever fuel an affair-fog machine. She was over at the guy's place while I was at work baking him pies!

 

You drop this. No more dilly-dallying. Kick her ass to the curb and scoop what's left of your dignity up.

 

I just dont see when she would have the time to be with someone else though, seriously she works 14 hour days 5 days a week most of the time.

Shes even shown me her work calendar to show how busy she is.

 

I just dont buy it for a second that shes seeing anyone else.

 

Checking on her facebook messages is irrelevant now anyway, I deleted the password without using it as it didnt feel right.

 

I actually believe shes feeling down at the minute hence her behaviour. Its just a question now if im better off leaving this situation.

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, it takes two to tango. And I'm speaking both to your inscrutable commitment to her and LS member's commitment to redundancy by this thread that should have ended 6-pages ago.

 

My girlfriend stayed at home all day in her studio working. You don't need a motel anymore to carry on an affair. A velvety smooth mouse pad is sufficient.

 

I see why this girl likes you.

 

When women feel sad, depressed, vulnerable, weak and have a man in their lives whom they care about, they seek that man's support.

 

Look, I'm going to demonstrate how easy it is to walk away. Good luck, OP.

[Diezel]

Its just a question now if im better off leaving this situation.

 

I mean, unless you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if she is lying again... then sure, stay. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? Right?

[Lion Heart]

I think it's great that you're sticking with your values of respect by not looking at her online account and deleting her password.

Honestly. More power to you.

 

I guess I'm thinking of my own reaction to a partners right to privacy in a committed relationship I'm in after a lie like that.

Our house, our relationship, our honesty with each other... I would have wanted to BE SURE there weren't more D Days ahead by checking it out. Of course we can't be sure of anything anytime but I'd have done it to know what could be exposed just within that account.

 

I hope you can arrive at a place where you feel secure again.

I hope there aren't more D Days lurking.

I'm sure she knows you're a great guy, that's why she's with you after all.

I hope she appreciates & cherishes you.

 

I hope you can have the strength to leave if and when you need to.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Rko28]

I think it's great that you're sticking with your values of respect by not looking at her online account and deleting her password.

Honestly. More power to you.

 

I guess I'm thinking of my own reaction to a partners right to privacy in a committed relationship I'm in after a lie like that.

Our house, our relationship, our honesty with each other... I would have wanted to BE SURE there weren't more D Days ahead by checking it out. Of course we can't be sure of anything anytime but I'd have done it to know what could be exposed just within that account.

 

I hope you can arrive at a place where you feel secure again.

I hope there aren't more D Days lurking.

I'm sure she knows you're a great guy, that's why she's with you after all.

I hope she appreciates & cherishes you.

 

I hope you can have the strength to leave if and when you need to.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

 

I just wouldnt feel right going in to her account, I think even seeing something innocent such as messages between friends that are Males wouldve set me off thinking and making up scenarios in my mind.

 

Her opening up last night out of the blue has answered everything I needed in terms of her behaviour, I've been there, I know what its like.

 

I do think however that theres a greater chance that we would both be better off away from each other now sadly.

 

Its something I plan to discuss with her later today.

[kendahke]

All these replies are very black and white

 

that's because we're not desperate to be in a relationship with her.

 

That's the price of wanting to have things your way and not seeing things for what they are.

 

I also don't see what there is to be ashamed about still grieving for her father. I still grieve for mine and he's been dead for 38 years now. But I don't lie about what I'm doing, either... even when I was 12 years past his death. If I'm grown enough to do it, then I dang sure am grown enough to stand in my truth and take my butt whippin' for it. Lying is what children do to get out of getting in trouble.

 

I agree with Diezel--this isn't adding up. Maybe it's how you're retelling what she said that is what's not making things add up. Either way, from our vantage point, it's pretty clear cut. I'm certainly not going to validate and cosign staying with someone who has been lying to you--that's endorsing destructive behavior. Yeah, leaving her might hurt now, but it's better to rip the bandaid off quickly rather than to slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pull it away.

[Rko28]

that's because we're not desperate to be in a relationship with her.

 

That's the price of wanting to have things your way and not seeing things for what they are.

 

I also don't see what there is to be ashamed about still grieving for her father. I still grieve for mine and he's been dead for 38 years now. But I don't lie about what I'm doing, either... even when I was 12 years past his death. If I'm grown enough to do it, then I dang sure am grown enough to stand in my truth and take my butt whippin' for it. Lying is what children do to get out of getting in trouble.

 

I agree with Diezel--this isn't adding up. Maybe it's how you're retelling what she said that is what's not making things add up. Either way, from our vantage point, it's pretty clear cut. I'm certainly not going to validate and cosign staying with someone who has been lying to you--that's endorsing destructive behavior. Yeah, leaving her might hurt now, but it's better to rip the bandaid off quickly rather than to slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pull it away.

 

Thats fair enough, and thats the thing about forums like this, no one will really know the people involved and why giving advice is great you shouldnt base a final decision on it imo.

 

Its not all down to grieving for her father, thats a part of it, the rest is work, not having spare time, always on the go etc.

[kendahke]

Its not all down to grieving for her father, thats a part of it, the rest is work, not having spare time, always on the go etc.

 

I'm still not seeing the shame and confusion...