Do I access her facebook after my trust has been shaken?

[Kilburn]

No, he doesn't. Everyone has has a right to privacy.

 

Although I agree with the reasoning behind someones privacy being precious and intimate, I believe that especially when raw human emotion is involved the heart wins out over the conscience.

 

I also feel the same jealous little twitches but to be lied to a NYE night is a bummer, my personal experience is that if I didnt make a specific arrangement that would be more attractive to her (at a time arranged early in december, when my problems with how I felt about her and myself were changing a little bit). I wasnt lied to, but I could quite easily see how anyone would lie about wanting to do something with someone other than their partner.

 

As for privacy? I'm very guilty of looking through phones in the past, but when I knew what I would find it comes as both shock and relief. Sometimes you see little bits of what it was like on the other side. Sometimes you read heartbreaking things that there is no explanation for but above all no matter what you find, whether it confirms, exaggerates or raises really ugly questions, because of the very nature and deed of what you have done, you have denied any possibility of using this information in a way which would not reduce the argument to "Why in the hell would you look in the first place".

[Rko28]

I'm still not seeing the shame and confusion...

 

where have you got the words shame and confusion from?

[Rko28]

Although I agree with the reasoning behind someones privacy being precious and intimate, I believe that especially when raw human emotion is involved the heart wins out over the conscience.

 

I also feel the same jealous little twitches but to be lied to a NYE night is a bummer, my personal experience is that if I didnt make a specific arrangement that would be more attractive to her (at a time arranged early in december, when my problems with how I felt about her and myself were changing a little bit). I wasnt lied to, but I could quite easily see how anyone would lie about wanting to do something with someone other than their partner.

 

As for privacy? I'm very guilty of looking through phones in the past, but when I knew what I would find it comes as both shock and relief. Sometimes you see little bits of what it was like on the other side. Sometimes you read heartbreaking things that there is no explanation for but above all no matter what you find, whether it confirms, exaggerates or raises really ugly questions, because of the very nature and deed of what you have done, you have denied any possibility of using this information in a way which would not reduce the argument to "Why in the hell would you look in the first place".

 

Thats the thing, I didnt even make plans for NYE, I just took it for granted she would want to see me after not seeing her for 2 solid weeks.

I shouldve asked, however I was ill on the night anyway so couldnt do anything anyway.

 

I think if I was to go on her facebook and find something that would cause me to walk away then there would be no need to talk to her about it. id simply say "its over and you know why"

[kendahke]

where have you got the words shame and confusion from?

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by umirano View Post

Because she feels ashamed and confused. She knows pretty much that she is a train wreck, about to take him down with her. Op, you're dating a girl who is a mental cripple right now, and that's probably not even her fault, but you are in for a very rough ride. Maybe you want to get off and let her sort out her problems and then try again. A fresh relationship is not likely to survive a depression of one of the partners... End Quote

 

(your response)How do you think I should tell her this? I don't want her thinking I'm abandoning her.

 

This is where I got it from.

[Rko28]

This is where I got it from.

 

Thats something I didnt say though.

[umirano]

How do you think I should tell her this? I don't want her thinking I'm abandoning her.

 

Well, you can be nice about it.

 

"I think given the difficult circumstances we're not ready for a committed relationship."

 

or

 

"Such and such makes me uncomfortable in this relationship. We should go our own ways, until you've dealt with your depression/problems"

 

Or you can say "I am not cool with how you're treating me

1. . Maybe it's because you have problems, maybe you're not as much into me as I'm into you. I have to dump you."

 

I don't know, that's more or less what I'd say. Generally, I'd say, don't make it too complicated. Don't blame yourself, clearly state what's the reason why you're not happy with her treatment, and by extension the relationship. And make your mind up whether you're really breaking up with her or not.

 

I would, given the experience I gained with my ex. I did break up with her quite a few times, and it's exhausting. I should have stuck to my guns but I couldn't. Partly because she was destroyed and promised to (and actually did) work her ass off to solve her problems, partly because I loved her madly and I just couldn't give up on her.

 

I know it will be tough. But breaking up and taking her back after a week or so will exhaust you. Especially if it happens again and again, and her behavior will remain erratic if she can't deal with her problems properly.

 

So really make your mind up. If you just want her to acknowledge that it's really upsetting you how she has behaved then don't mention the BU at all and just tell her what upsets you. If she comments on it go with the flow, if she clenches her teeth then you can talk about the assumption that she's being that way bc of her problems, and maybe get her to acknowledge that there's a deeper cause to this mess.

 

I advise against it based on my recent BU, but you're there and it's your RS, not mine.

 

And again, she's probably a great girl and will later (months, years) feel terrible about her shady behavior, but she can't act differently now because her perception of her problems will likely make them look overpowering. She's scared and confused by her issues, and she's ashamed of how she treats you. She's probably expecting a BU but fears talking about anything that may bring this whole issue to the surface, that's why she never mentioned anything by herself.

 

People easily appear strong outside when they're a wreck inside. I never believed my ex was so weak inside. She appeared strong, and her ignoring me looked like pride, independence or self-confidence to me. Only at the end of our RS I started to realize she's really scared and confused and passive about her problems bc she couldn't confront her fears and problems.

 

I don't know for sure what it is that your GF is going through, it just looks a lot like what I've seen with my ex.

 

Good luck

[umirano]

I don't see how the privacy concerns are still relevant to this thread. The OP has not invaded his GF's privacy in any unlawful manner. Losing one's sanity over confusing GF behavior vs interpreting open souce SN activity is a clear cut case to me. Snooping in someone else's FB chats? If it helps identifying a dirty cheater? Why not. Keeping my own sanity would always prevail over the privacy of a partner.

 

It's very hard to prove illegal invasion of privacy if actual and valid credentials are used. And if that's the case, it's clearly the account owner's negligence which creates the problem in the first place.

 

Use safe passwords (in excess of 8 characters, alpha-numeric with symbols and no words from dictionaries), don't save passwords in clear text, erase auto-fill and persistent logins if you're using someone else's device to access an account.

 

From opening my ex's account I learned that she complained to a stoner friend, who was openly crushing on her, that she "needs space" (from me) when she asked me to fly 2000 miles to her to spend christmas with her and her family. I also found other pleasantries of this sort, and that she was intensively conversing with one of her exes.

 

In the morning I told her I'm going to cut my vacation short and that I'll be getting the next flight back home to my family, who'd valuate my presence more than her. I still cringe at the drama that ensued for the rest of the day. She bawled her eyes out and her mother was mortified when she learned what happened.

 

Taking advantage of a potential cheater's carelessness with credentials has proven useful to me.

[Rko28]

Well, you can be nice about it.

 

"I think given the difficult circumstances we're not ready for a committed relationship."

 

or

 

"Such and such makes me uncomfortable in this relationship. We should go our own ways, until you've dealt with your depression/problems"

 

Or you can say "I am not cool with how you're treating me

1. . Maybe it's because you have problems, maybe you're not as much into me as I'm into you. I have to dump you."

 

I don't know, that's more or less what I'd say. Generally, I'd say, don't make it too complicated. Don't blame yourself, clearly state what's the reason why you're not happy with her treatment, and by extension the relationship. And make your mind up whether you're really breaking up with her or not.

 

I would, given the experience I gained with my ex. I did break up with her quite a few times, and it's exhausting. I should have stuck to my guns but I couldn't. Partly because she was destroyed and promised to (and actually did) work her ass off to solve her problems, partly because I loved her madly and I just couldn't give up on her.

 

I know it will be tough. But breaking up and taking her back after a week or so will exhaust you. Especially if it happens again and again, and her behavior will remain erratic if she can't deal with her problems properly.

 

So really make your mind up. If you just want her to acknowledge that it's really upsetting you how she has behaved then don't mention the BU at all and just tell her what upsets you. If she comments on it go with the flow, if she clenches her teeth then you can talk about the assumption that she's being that way bc of her problems, and maybe get her to acknowledge that there's a deeper cause to this mess.

 

I advise against it based on my recent BU, but you're there and it's your RS, not mine.

 

And again, she's probably a great girl and will later (months, years) feel terrible about her shady behavior, but she can't act differently now because her perception of her problems will likely make them look overpowering. She's scared and confused by her issues, and she's ashamed of how she treats you. She's probably expecting a BU but fears talking about anything that may bring this whole issue to the surface, that's why she never mentioned anything by herself.

 

People easily appear strong outside when they're a wreck inside. I never believed my ex was so weak inside. She appeared strong, and her ignoring me looked like pride, independence or self-confidence to me. Only at the end of our RS I started to realize she's really scared and confused and passive about her problems bc she couldn't confront her fears and problems.

 

I don't know for sure what it is that your GF is going through, it just looks a lot like what I've seen with my ex.

 

Good luck

 

There's no way I want to be nasty about it but I will be putting my point across.

 

Today I text her saying good luck and let me know how it goes, sure as eggs, hours went past, she popped up countless times on facebook, even had time to send me snapchats but no message to say how she got on. Had a text now to say she will text me later as she's been busy to say how she got on.

 

It's just bull****

[umirano]

There's no way I want to be nasty about it but I will be putting my point across.

 

Today I text her saying good luck and let me know how it goes, sure as eggs, hours went past, she popped up countless times on facebook, even had time to send me snapchats but no message to say how she got on. Had a text now to say she will text me later as she's been busy to say how she got on.

 

It's just bull****

 

Excessive SN activity suggests she has self-confidence problems, she seeks validation, more validation that you are, and possibly ever could be providing. Cheating isn't unheard of with girls who desperately seek validation. I'm just saying be careful not to get played.

[Rko28]

Excessive SN activity suggests she has self-confidence problems, she seeks validation, more validation that you are, and possibly ever could be providing. Cheating isn't unheard of with girls who desperately seek validation. I'm just saying be careful not to get played.

 

She takes a lot of selfies and changes Her whatsapp profile picture an awful lot.

I'm sure that's a sign of self confidence, but she's a dancer, a performer and one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, I don't see how she can feel insecure.

 

What is SN Activity?

[umirano]

She takes a lot of selfies and changes Her whatsapp profile picture an awful lot.

I'm sure that's a sign of self confidence,

No, that's a sign of a lack of self confidence.

 

but she's a dancer, a performer and one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, I don't see how she can feel insecure.

Well they can. My ex got hit on a lot. What troubled her wasn't her appearance or immediate reception by others, it was a lack of a career path, being stuck in an economic, political and educational dead end, not having achieved much over all, having dark thoughts, things like that.

 

What is SN Activity?

S ocial N etwork(s) activity

 

Does your GF consume other substances (including medication) other than alcohol?

[Rko28]

 

Does your GF consume other substances (including medication) other than alcohol?

 

Not that I know of, I dnt think she would either, our discussions on drugs were that we were both against them.

 

I don't want you all thinking she's an alcoholic, I think she's been out 3 times this year drinking on weekends, nothing out of the ordinary just that up until Xmas from August I think she went out once.

 

It's just she said she felt like getting drunk and having a blow out

[umirano]

Not that I know of, I dnt think she would either, our discussions on drugs were that we were both against them.

 

I don't want you all thinking she's an alcoholic, I think she's been out 3 times this year drinking on weekends, nothing out of the ordinary just that up until Xmas from August I think she went out once.

 

It's just she said she felt like getting drunk and having a blow out

 

What I think of her only matters as far as my advice is concerned I'm not trying to paint her in a bad light, but I can only work with the information you give me. That's not so bad then, she could have party girl tendencies which would further worsen your situation.

 

I think your course of action should be:

 

 

1. Find out what's a the root of her behavior. Is she not very into you? Is she depressed?
   
2. Decide whether you're willing to be a therapist of sorts (I strongly advise against that, you can't "fix" people. You're not a trained professional and you're too close to provide objective help)
   
3. If you're not trying to fix her you have to decide whether you can put up with her behavior or whether you trust her to get her act together until you can (I'm not very hopeful)
   
4. If you don't see either of #2 or #3 you have to break up with her.
   

 

 

Don't waste any time, don't let her distract you. Demand you meet in person to talk within 24 hours. This is at the core of your relationship, you have a right to get these things on the agenda and to her answers. Be firm and know your talking points.

[Rko28]

What I think of her only matters as far as my advice is concerned I'm not trying to paint her in a bad light, but I can only work with the information you give me. That's not so bad then, she could have party girl tendencies which would further worsen your situation.

 

I think your course of action should be:

 

 

1. Find out what's a the root of her behavior. Is she not very into you? Is she depressed?
   
2. Decide whether you're willing to be a therapist of sorts (I strongly advise against that, you can't "fix" people. You're not a trained professional and you're too close to provide objective help)
   
3. If you're not trying to fix her you have to decide whether you can put up with her behavior or whether you trust her to get her act together until you can (I'm not very hopeful)
   
4. If you don't see either of #2 or #3 you have to break up with her.
   

 

 

Don't waste any time, don't let her distract you. Demand you meet in person to talk within 24 hours. This is at the core of your relationship, you have a right to get these things on the agenda and to her answers. Be firm and know your talking points.

From past problems I know I can't help, if we were a married couple with years under our belts of course I could, but in this case I cant.

 

For the record, I'm still waiting for her to get in touch tonight. I think she's making my decision very easy.

[umirano]

For the record, I'm still waiting for her to get in touch tonight. I think she's making my decision very easy.

What are you waiting for exactly? What do you do if she disappears on you?

 

"we need to talk. When do you get off work?"

[Rko28]

What are you waiting for exactly? What do you do if she disappears on you?

 

"we need to talk. When do you get off work?"

 

Because she said she would message me and let me know how she got on.

 

If I text now it will be over the top right?

[irishguy]

How can a relationship work when she is so busy all the time ,you can tell her its not right time for ye to get into a relationship since she has no time that its not fair on anyone , Shes clearly not as invested in this relationship as you are.

[SawtoothMars]

Because she said she would message me and let me know how she got on.

If I text now it will be over the top right?

 

I would begin searching for someone else to date. Maybe she turns a corner... maybe not... either way you should not waste time checking other options.

[Rko28]

I heard off her really early this morning apologising that she fell asleep, she said doctors went ok and that shes been reffered to counselling.

 

A few exchanged texts then I said

 

"Ive been thinking maybe its best we leave things between us for the time being whilst you are feeling like this? let me know if you want to talk later when you're free"

 

I possibly shouldnt have done it by text but I just couldnt keep it in any longer.

[umirano]

I don't blame you. It'll hurt when she won't even have the guts to ask for a face to face meeting, but it can't be any more obvious than that...

 

At least you won't have invested many years like certain other people

[Rko28]

I don't blame you. It'll hurt when she won't even have the guts to ask for a face to face meeting, but it can't be any more obvious than that...

 

At least you won't have invested many years like certain other people

 

Thanks, I really feel like you understand me on this. I appreciate it.

 

Incidentally ive heard nothing back from her which I think speaks volumes.

 

I'd actually be ok with a conversation over text about it because I think id be upset face to face and not say the whole story of how im feeling.

[Darren Steez]

I read the first post where OP wrote his girl was cheated on so she would never put someone through that, was about to answer, when I decided to read through and I guess things played out the way I thought they would.

 

First, being cheated on doesn't mean they won't do it. More likely in some cases that naivety goes and when the opportunity arises, they are numb to it.

 

Brah, don't message or text her or call her. Best to let her go and get with someone that will make you a priority in their lives.

 

Give it a few weeks and you might get a message fishing for a reply, but people like this are a waste of time frankly. Don't beat yourself up, you won a lottery by not wasting any more time with this time waster.

 

Go have fun and enjoy life.

[flashed]

If I was you I wouldn't snoop. That opens a can of worms and its not going to make you feel any better. You sound a little scared of her reaction if you confronted her about your thoughts and how you are honestly feeling about it.

 

I'd take a moment to decide for myself if this is a relationship I was going to continue or not. Either way I would definitely tell her how you feel and I'd even end the relationship to "think" about things. It'll give her some time to realize that lying is not ok with you nor will it ever be.

[TG1]

I would say dump her but hey I am not you so you can decide what you want to do, only you and you alone can make that decision for yourself

[Friskyone4u]

I hope by now you have figured out she is cheating on you or has another man she's seeing .

She is on basically every app used t to hide things from unsuspecting partners. And as far as you snooping, her behavior makes whatever you are doing OK. And if you are not snooping that probably why you are in the dark with what she is really doing.

Move on buddy