Have to break no contact and want second chance.

[An0nymiss666]

Okay, I'm going to try to wait longer than the month but I can't let too much time go by. We didn't have a "bad" breakup necessarily. It didn't end with a fight or a big blowup. We also didn't have major issues like cheating or abuse. But it still ended. Anyways...

 

I do hope we can reconcile in some way, but I know I can't expect it, so I don't need a lecture on that. I'm incredibly sad but just taking things day by day and focusing on myself.

 

He moved away (didn't cause the breakup) and I have to send him some things he left here. That's why I'm not going to wait forever, it would be a little obnoxious to wait 6+ months to send him his own personal property that I've clearly had.

 

It's not anything stupid like a shirt or some socks. Nothing having to do with us or our relationship. Although he has a general photo album with pictures of us in it. But that's not my place to mess with it. I'm actually shocked he hasn't said anything considering some of the things he's left (things having to do with his military service, etc).

 

If he doesn't contact me by then, I'm just not sure what to say, how much to say, or how to say it. I know I can't blatantly say that I want to get back together or anything and I know I can't write him a 10-page love letter. Obviously I'm including it in the box, so I'm not calling him, e-mailing him, texting him, etc.

 

But any help would be appreciated....

[Ieris]

If he hasn't asked for it then maybe he doesn't need it? You're looking for an excuse to get in touch...

[evanescentworld]

^^This^^.

 

Wait until he actually asks for his belongings.

THEN see about getting them to him.

Until then, pack them in a box and put them in the attic, and forget about them.

 

If in 6 months he's still not asked for them, feel free to dispose of them.

 

(This is what is suggested about personal home clutter. Put it in a box, tape it up, bung it in the attic.

 

If in 6 months, you can't remember the contents, take the whole thing to a charity shop. If you haven't needed the contents in 6 months, then you never will.)

[Simon Phoenix]

Agree with the other two posters plus I think you are completely offbase in thinking that there's a certain time period you have to break NC in that will help your chances. Recovery/reconciliation isn't a race -- you don't get points for doing it quicker. Instead of trying to force a reconciliation that will almost certainly fail because there hasn't been nearly enough time for reflection, recovery, and evolution, just stick to NC and get your mind right.

 

Hamhandedly forcing contact is a guaranteed failure. So don't do it.

[An0nymiss666]

I never said anything about there being a "time limit" on the no contact...I just thought it would be ridiculous to leave his things sitting for a ridiculously long time before I gave them back.

 

However, even though I have documents I suppose you are right that if he's wondering where they are, he'd ask. In the future if he ends up expecting his things to be here a year later, then that's dumb as well.

 

But my point is that I still plan on saying something eventually...I know the "rule" is never contact them, let them contact you, but every situation is different, and I know us better than anyone else. I still don't know what to do when that time comes, though.

 

What I'm looking help with is, if I say something, what should I say at that point?

[Simon Phoenix]

I never said anything about there being a "time limit" on the no contact...I just thought it would be ridiculous to leave his things sitting for a ridiculously long time before I gave them back.

 

However, even though I have documents I suppose you are right that if he's wondering where they are, he'd ask. In the future if he ends up expecting his things to be here a year later, then that's dumb as well.

 

But my point is that I still plan on saying something eventually...I know the "rule" is never contact them, let them contact you, but every situation is different, and I know us better than anyone else. I still don't know what to do when that time comes, though.

 

What I'm looking help with is, if I say something, what should I say at that point?

 

There's no magical thing to say. If you are asking that question, all that really indicates is that you are nowhere ready to make that step. But if you are looking for a "get your ex back" gameplan, you aren't going to find it on here because it doesn't exist.

 

And while you are correct that every situation is different on the micro level, on the macro level most of them end up in the exact same place. Think if it being a bunch of roads ending at the same intersection. If I had a dollar for every poster who claimed that their situation was unique and wasn't covered under the "rules" of No Contact, I'd be pretty darn rich.

[Deidre]

I never said anything about there being a "time limit" on the no contact...I just thought it would be ridiculous to leave his things sitting for a ridiculously long time before I gave them back.

 

However, even though I have documents I suppose you are right that if he's wondering where they are, he'd ask. In the future if he ends up expecting his things to be here a year later, then that's dumb as well.

 

But my point is that I still plan on saying something eventually...I know the "rule" is never contact them, let them contact you, but every situation is different, and I know us better than anyone else. I still don't know what to do when that time comes, though.

 

What I'm looking help with is, if I say something, what should I say at that point?

 

The problem with breaking NC, is that usually...it doesn't end with just one point of contact. He may then reply, and it might not be a nice remark, never know...then you reply....then he replies...and it turns ugly. Or maybe he doesn't respond at all. Either way, you end up hurt. I think sometimes we feel breaking NC will bring us to closure, but the point of NC is to find closure within ourselves, independent of that other person.

 

 

I hope you stay NC. I know it can be hard sometimes, though.

[NopeNah]

Simon is correct.. If you do feel that you HAVE to say anything and don't care what the outcome/setback is...just be honest. That's about all you can do. Again..you have to strongly consider it will not go your way.

[BC1980]

The problem with breaking NC, is that usually...it doesn't end with just one point of contact. He may then reply, and it might not be a nice remark, never know...then you reply....then he replies...and it turns ugly. Or maybe he doesn't respond at all. Either way, you end up hurt. I think sometimes we feel breaking NC will bring us to closure, but the point of NC is to find closure within ourselves, independent of that other person.

 

 

I hope you stay NC. I know it can be hard sometimes, though.

 

This is such a good point and something I experienced. Each time I contacted my ex "one last time," he would always say something hurtful that diminished my feelings or experiences. Then, I felt the need to set him straight, and drama ensued. You can't win with this stuff because you are only trying to convince them that your version is correct. Most people don't give a flying f$ck about your version after the fact, and what are you trying to prove anyway? You just want them to validate your experiences, but you can do that on your own and find closure. I honestly think that was the biggest take away for me.

[Deidre]

This is such a good point and something I experienced. Each time I contacted my ex "one last time," he would always say something hurtful that diminished my feelings or experiences. Then, I felt the need to set him straight, and drama ensued. You can't win with this stuff because you are only trying to convince them that your version is correct. Most people don't give a flying f$ck about your version after the fact, and what are you trying to prove anyway? You just want them to validate your experiences, but you can do that on your own and find closure. I honestly think that was the biggest take away for me.

 

I've learned this lesson the very hard way, too! lol I remember when I went NC with a guy about three years ago, and honestly, the back and forth breaking of NC went on for 6 months! There was never any closure, he said more and more hurtful things...and the thing was, I tried to remain NC, he kept bugging me. And when I'd cave to be nice or just see what he wanted, bam...he'd take the opportunity to hurt me again. I realized at that point, that NC was totally up to me, and that my healing depended upon it.