Does it really matter if you reconcile or divorce?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Three months ago yesterday I was blindsided by my wife's affair. yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I want out and then I don't. I thought it would be easier than this. I've asked her to leave twice in the past three months and twice I have pulled back. Yesterday I was feeling so low I asked again. It was a pretty bad day but we talked and I relented.

 

I had contacted an attorney before confronting her with an ultimatum three months ago. A very long 39 days prior I had confronted her and she flatly denied it was going on and for 39 days I suffered, gathered evidence and honestly just sat around staring and in a state of shock.

 

She made a few damaging missteps the first few days after the last confrontation but she has been a model WS since, if there is such a thing.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. There is a hole in my heart that may never be healed. To say I'm devastated would not give what I'm feeling justice. We were both virgins when we met and I worshiped the ground she walked on. I put up with a lot more than many husbands would have and I'm feeling really used and taken for granted for a lot of years.

 

I don't know what to do. Reconcile OR divorce are both terrible, painful, horrible options. I hate what she has done to me. I hate what she has done to us. I may never be able to forgive her and I just want the pain to stop.

 

Yesterday was just a painful as the first day I found out. I keep thinking it will get easier but something triggers me and I'm right back down in that deep hole of despair.

 

Do people really ever recover from affairs? Does it really matter if you choose to divorce or reconcile?

 

It's pretty bleak in my world right now.

[Nawlins]

I feel your hurt OP. There’s no easy solution and I spent 2 years trying to figure it out before deciding to divorce my WW. I won’t tell you it has been great since then for her, me, or our children, but in time the hurt lessens. There’s a post on another site I read recently that describes how a BH decided to get on with his life after his wife strayed. Unfortunately I cannot find the original post, just his update to it. I encourage you to read it. I wish I had it before my wife and I divorced, the way he handled it was so much better than I did. Search for “My wife cheated on me 10 months ago and I forgave her and took her back. Now I want to have a one night stand.” Good Luck

[flowergirl14]

Very Broken,

Im sorry to hear your story. The pain you are going through is gut wrenching. It can literally turn a happy person into one that contemplates self harm. You have so much fear inside of you. Fear that she may not have stopped the A, fear she might do it again. You will heal with or without her. Things will get better and you will start to "see" things more clearly. Right now its survival mode. Your wifes infidelity will forever change the relationship. My mc said in the beginning, "the marriage you had is dead." You have to grieve that one way or another. Wether you stay or go. Some people go on to have better marriages than they ever had with their spouse. However, I think the majority have long term issues of trust and respect. Respect for themselves for putting up with such despicable behavior. Definately a loss of respect for their partner. Cheaters are liars so you will never get the full true story. Never! Every couple is different but the reality is the pain lessens but the A will always define you. Just know you aren't alone on the ls forum. There are lots of bs who have stayed on here and some that have divorced. Divorce isnt the wrong choice no more than staying is. You can take your time get some clarity or counseling. It sounds like your ww isn't going anywhere. The ball is in your court from now on.

[purplesorrow]

I am almost at 2 years out after discovery. It does get better and you do start to heal, if you work on it. Three months is nothing for what you are going through. Take a deep breath. You do not have to decide what to do right now. Wait until you can think clearly and can be ok with your decision. And yes, both have their pros and cons. You need to focus on yourself right now. Therapy helped me, new hobbies, new business and volunteering. I can say I have never experienced such pain in my entire life, but it does slowly lose it's grip on you. I am sorry for what you are going through.

[Selfish]

Three months is not long to be past it. No one here can answer (though they'll try) what path is the best for you. just remember that some descision can be undone and some can't (like a RA or other actions). Even if you seperate for a time or divorce there is no law that says you cannot get back together later. Or if you stay it doesn't mean it will be forever.

 

Are you in IC? MC? I'd focus on IC and doing healthy things in your day to day life. Give yourself a break and take your time. If it is helpful put a time limit on how long you'll stay like say another three months and then see if you are ready to start MC and give R a shot or if divorce is still more to where you are leaning.

 

At some point I believe a BS needs to recommit to the marriage in order for R to work. And while I cannot pin down a time I can safely say at only three months you don't have to feel any pressure yet.

[billy baru]

VBM,

 

I'm at 9 months past D-Day. She made the choice to be with her AP. In that choice, she alienated not only our kids and families, but also her ideals, scruples and honor. A life changing decision that will come back to bite her in the butt one day.

 

Take the time to concentrate on you. Like others have said, IC, hobbies, excercise... all are great and take your mind off things.

 

Does D or R make a difference? Only to you, man. Could you ever truly look her in the eyes, and not think "cheater" or "liar"?

 

I know the answer to that question for myself, and it's not only "no", but "HE** no". Hence D is underway, and I'll be a free man in a few short weeks.

 

Hang in tough, take each day one at a time. It does get better with the passage of time.

 

baru

[TrustedthenBusted]

Three months ago....

 

 

 

This may be the most important piece of information in your post.

 

It takes time and work, and then more time. We've all been where you are now, and know what it feels like to think the rest of your days will feel like today.

 

But they won't. They really won't. But try to set some realistic expectations, because it will be awhile before you have enough perspective to understand all of what's happening.

 

I told myself I'd give it a year and reassess. And I did. In a year, it wasn't great, but good enough to give it another year to reassess. Then another, which each getting better than the one before it. Next thing you know it's been 5, and I'm feeling a lot like they say you can after like 5 years.

 

Recover? yes. Forget? No. Sorry.

[ladydesigner]

T

Recover? yes. Forget? No. Sorry.

 

This ^ In a nutshell for me.

[dichotomy]

 

I don't know what to do. Reconcile OR divorce are both terrible, painful, horrible options.

 

 

Really picture both roads carefully then choose the least horrible option..

 

,,.but remember this if you stay you can always still leave later - still keep making that choice of whats best (or least worst). Thats your right and power she gave to you by breaking the vows.

 

Also remember she has lost something as well - your respect, admiration, trust. She will never be on a pedestal again ever. She has to live with that.

 

Focus on you now.

Edited January 15, 2015 by dichotomy

[Friskyone4u]

You say she is being the model WS. What does that mean to you .???

What were the early missteps??? Probably she broke NC.

Your chances to get through this depend on some things that you have not divulged here.

Is this a workplace affair??? If so and she stays in that job the chances of her still seeing him or starting also greatly increase . And you watch her go out the door each morning to spend the day with OM

Is the OM married? If he is and you have not notified his wife , your chances of R decrease. Outing him to his wife will in most cases make him want nothing more to do with your wife. Do not tell her you are doing this

What are you doing to insure his model behavior is not just talk. Don't tell me you are taking her word for it. She has just gotten done lying her ass off to you for who knows how long. Get a VAR and out it in her car. If you trust her further than you cannthrow her right now you are mistaken.

Realize, your old marriage is dead and it will take a lot of timeworn her doing the heavy lifting for you to have any chance to get through this . The statistics say infidelity is a deal breaker for men more than women.

And you need to tell you r wife that if all of the truth is not on the table that will be more damaging than the sex. In the end only you can decide if you stay or go.

But I would have to hear a lot more specifics to agree and accept she is being a model wife right now

Good luck

[Realist3]

To be honest, I do not understand why people get so hung up on the whole thing. Either you want to be together or you don't.

[aStranger]

Its been 7 years since my wife cheated and I hate her more every day. I'm staying until my son & daughter are both in high school (they are 9 & 10) and then I'm gone. She knows this but thinks that I will change my mind even though we live like strangers under the same roof.

 

You need to get away from her for a while. If you don't see her all the time then you won't have to think about what she did so often. I'll bet that you will start feeling better in a few days and by the end of the month you will be able to think more clearly and start making the decisions that are right for you.

 

Read some of the posts her from betrayed husbands. It seems like men recover a lot faster by divorcing their WW then reconciling.

[atreides]

Very sorry OP,

 

Some great advise thus far. I would only add this, it matters whether you chose to reconcile or divorce especially for the former.

 

If she is not remorseful, truly and genuinely remorseful and does not work hard to earn you back, you will simply be spinning your wheels. R will take the best of both of you, but you both must be willing, not just one and not on her terms.

 

Again i am very sorry.

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't know what to do. Reconcile OR divorce are both terrible, painful, horrible options. I hate what she has done to me. I hate what she has done to us. I may never be able to forgive her and I just want the pain to stop.

 

It's pretty bleak in my world right now.

 

I remember your thread. Your wife heaped utter disrespect upon you. Do you know why?

 

Because you reek of weakness and she smells it. It is very hard for a woman (or a man) to respect a weak, dithering, "woe is me" type of guy. It is even harder to respect a weak, indecisive guy who chooses to stay with a remorseless cheater of a wife who only puts on a "model" act to preserve her access to his money.

 

Divorce is painful but as a man who values his dignity (you do value your dignity I hope), you have to overcome that pain. Good luck with your divorce.

[fellini]

Staying - even if only for the duration of recovery, can have the advantage of her working through your pain with you. Leaving her NOW, you will still be in pain, and you will add onto that all your basic fears about what she is now doing, with whom, etc. etc.

 

My WS had an A with a colleague, a single available and willing man, a man who knew the consequences of what he was doing with her because he had only two years earlier been the BS. And he lost his wife to her AP. So he was kind of counting on the same thing happening with my WS. Although this came out much later.

 

On DDAY, without having any support system or previous knowledge about 180, NC, etc, I simply asked her: are you ready to end it? She didnt say yes. She was pretty much in love with him. She was trying to say goodbye to me, or to get me to make her say goodbye, as long as it wasn't her doing the dirty work. Total narcissist.

 

I walked out the door to be with some people I could trust because I said Im not staying to talk with someone who wants to be - no - IS with someone else.

 

Two hours later I asked the same question and she said "yes, Ill end it now."

But it became immensely clear later that this was her desire not to be outed publicly, and she was in panic control.

 

Now that was clearly the moment to leave. But staying with me, even though she was disconnecting herself from him while dealing with me, changed things. Later - about 3-4 months later, it was clearer that her reasons for staying where more to do with US than with HER dignity, and we had a more level playing field to work with.

 

So choosing the least horrible option, as far as I have seen, is a relative issue. It really depends on what is going on, when in the process of recovery you are, and where you see yourself in 3, 4, 5 years.

 

Had I kicked my WS out on that day, or in fact any day within 3 months of dday, she would PROBABLY have ended back with her awaiting AP. We were both vulnerable during these early months because we were both an emotional mess. This is not the best time to make life changing decisions. And we managed this with an 8 year old having a minimum idea of what was on the verge of happening.

 

If you are saying Divorce is horrible, if the reason you are saying this is because you LOVE your wife and NOT because YOU CANNOT IMAGINE being SINGLE, then I recommend you hang in there a little, make sure she is on board, and see how things unfold for you.

 

I'm less than 2 years post DDAY and I still get urges to quit, divorce end it, demand we co-habitat as "room-mates". I have my good hours too. This is not going to stop. The pain definitely diminishes, but the doubts, the decisions, the questions, no those don't go away so quickly.

 

Many people here know your pain. But none of us knows you, your limits, or the true conditions of you WS. And so the decision has to remain yours and yours alone.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I told myself I'd give it a year and reassess. And I did. In a year, it wasn't great, but good enough to give it another year to reassess. Then another, which each getting better than the one before it. Next thing you know it's been 5, and I'm feeling a lot like they say you can after like 5 years.

 

Recover? yes. Forget? No. Sorry.

 

I promised her a year so I'm going to stick it out and I do keep my promises. But I think it's fifty fifty right now in terms of staying regardless of what she does. I just feel too hurt, taken for granted and used.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I promised her a year so I'm going to stick it out and I do keep my promises. But I think it's fifty fifty right now in terms of staying regardless of what she does. I just feel too hurt, taken for granted and used.

 

You're going to feel like that in a year too, unfortunately. But you may find that you've developed more of an understanding of why this happened, how it happened, and by then, depending on her response to your pain, maybe even what you could have done to contribute to it. ( i know... I know... )

 

Nobody can tell you what the right thing to do is, but I would encourage you to think big picture. If you have kids, this will be complicated. If you do not....well... lot less complicated in my opinion.

 

If I did not have kids, my decision would have likely been instant, and irreversible. Good luck. Keep venting. But don't keep it all here. Tell her everything that's on your mind. She needed an outlet and found an F-d up one. Now YOU need an outlet, and she needs to bear it.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm one of the ones that divorced. It took me 6 months to decide and during that 6 months it slowly dawned on me that I didn't want to work it out, I didn't want to be married to someone who could treat me like that any longer.

 

I don't believe divorce is the easy option, as that had its issues too.

 

But I think that you are too early into the process and its normal to be feeling as you do so close to your finding out.

 

Time will tell.

[Confused48]

If your WW is not getting help from an IC or something similar, I'd bet she is not truly remorseful. You can't go and do something so horrible and then not want to change yourself afterwords, if you are remorseful.

 

She also can't just shut off her feelings for the OM like a light switch or if she can she is one scary person. So if she is with you for money, she was then with him for great sex. For most women that also means great infatuation. So she must be very heartbroken right now. Suffering greatly over her lost soul mate. Is she telling you about that? If not then she is still not being honest with you.

 

If she is not honest with you and not truly remorseful, you have nothing to gain by staying with her and nothing to lose by leaving her.

[GoBlue]

I am so very sorry for the pain you are enduring and for the betrayal that you have experienced. Nothing can prepare you for this and it's really hard for someone who has not gone through it to fully understand. I have not read anyone else's response but there will be no shortage of those who say you should just leave. The truth of the matter is that many couples who have stuck it out and sought professional help have stronger marriages after infidelity than they did before. Promising her a year and just staying is not the same thing as going through the healing process.

 

There are lots of family friendly counselors who could be a big help to you and your wife. I have walked through the healing process with couples in the past and the tool I love to use is a book titled Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. There is also a wonderful organization called The National Institute of Marriage that specializes in marriage recovery. They do intensive counseling in Branson, MO and their success rate is phenomenal. I highly recommend getting in touch with them.

 

I know that your heart is hurting right now but I want to speak hope into your life. You are right about one thing, if you did decide to leave her the pain won't magically disappear. I know where you can get a free counseling session by phone to help with some practical guidance. It is from a faith based organization but their heart is to help people especially with their marriages. If you would like more information simply write me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[No Limit]

It would be important for my self-esteem, not to mention the image I present my children (if I had them by that point). If I just tolerated a cheater, him treating me like garbage and 2nd choice, I could probably never leave the house again. Or maybe I'd get a burqa to hide in.

 

Yes I have my pride and value myself. For nothing in this world would I willingly surrender myself to humiliation each and every day with a smirking husband by my side. I don't want treacherous people in my life, at the very least not knowingly and not that close to me.

[harrybrown]

So did your wife ever decide to chose you over her OM and expose the A to the OM's wife?

 

How would she feel if you had an A?

 

I realize that you can not control your wife or her actions.

 

You can state that based upon this action, this is the result.

 

She does not seem to still be remorseful. Has she given you a timeline and diary of the A?

 

You can't fix this by yourself. She is not really trying, remember the long break up call? She is still chosing the OM over you, because she is still protecting him over you.

 

Expose to the OM's wife to help the OM have some consequences and your wife to also see how she has hurt you.

 

Has she answered all your questions about all of her A's?

 

If she does not show you remorse, why would you even stay a year? She is still not trying and she still loves the OM more than you.

 

So if she can not come clean, she gets the choice of not having you in her life. Someday she will realize what she threw away, but she is not seeing that right now.

 

Has she gone with you to see someone at affair recovery? they are online, but she could pay for the counseling, because she caused the hurt.

 

I have nothing to do with affair recovery, but at least they have some experience where some counselors do not have experience.

 

Hope you find some peace.

[ladydesigner]

You're going to feel like that in a year too, unfortunately. But you may find that you've developed more of an understanding of why this happened, how it happened, and by then, depending on her response to your pain, maybe even what you could have done to contribute to it. ( i know... I know... )

 

Nobody can tell you what the right thing to do is, but I would encourage you to think big picture. If you have kids, this will be complicated. If you do not....well... lot less complicated in my opinion.

 

If I did not have kids, my decision would have likely been instant, and irreversible. Good luck. Keep venting. But don't keep it all here. Tell her everything that's on your mind. She needed an outlet and found an F-d up one. Now YOU need an outlet, and she needs to bear it.

 

Yep totally agree

[mikethemechanic]

The question is if you could alter memories would it make you more rational.it sounds like you're trying to obliterate bad memories of the affair,I am told that one can create memories that never happened that actually alters your personality just as a real experience would shape your reality.you speak of having a very beautiful wife I am wondering if she was a dancer and also if you have created a false memories of her loving you and her affections towards you that never happened.

[road]

Three months ago yesterday I was blindsided by my wife's affair. yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I want out and then I don't. I thought it would be easier than this. I've asked her to leave twice in the past three months and twice I have pulled back. Yesterday I was feeling so low I asked again. It was a pretty bad day but we talked and I relented.

 

I had contacted an attorney before confronting her with an ultimatum three months ago. A very long 39 days prior I had confronted her and she flatly denied it was going on and for 39 days I suffered, gathered evidence and honestly just sat around staring and in a state of shock.

 

 

 

 

Recovery is a two to five year process. Your mind is very unsettled now. It takes 6 months for the BH's mind to process the affair. This is why it is recommended that BH's do not make important life changing decisions for six months pass after D day.