Does it really matter if you reconcile or divorce?

[badkarma2013]

Recovery is a two to five year process. Your mind is very unsettled now. It takes 6 months for the BH's mind to process the affair. This is why it is recommended that BH's do not make important life changing decisions for six months pass after D day.

 

 

You have been given some great advice here from BSs who who both R and those who filed for D.....But none of that matters....They are both sides of the same coin...You have to do whats best for you now...

 

What your WW did ( as Mine)..will never go away and can never be changed.. However ,There are Bhs here who are in R and it seems to be working..But they put up strict boundaries with their WWS and knowing if ANY deviation from those boundaries change, Divorce would be immediate....

 

There are others here who have struggled for years trying to R...They cannot seem to get over the (details maybe?)..and after 2,5,10 years still struggle...

 

I truly believe ..for a BS...there is a moment (if you will) of clarity that comes to us and for me I knew at that second i could not R..I knew i would forever struggling ,triggering and have doubts re : her and myself..i did not hesitate to file for D... ...and has it worked for me..but that was me..

 

You thinking now is skewed as anyones would be having such a horriable experiance.. ,but soon you will gather yourself...(with help..m/c..i/c)..and the answer will come to you...whether its 6 months or 6 years.. the answer WILL come to you....it always does..

Edited January 17, 2015 by badkarma2013

[mikethemechanic]

You have been given some great advice here from BSs who who both R and those who filed for D.....But none of that matters....They are both sides of the same coin...You have to do whats best for you now...

 

What your WW did ( as Mine)..will never go away and can never be changed.. However ,There are Bhs here who are in R and it seems to be working..But they put up strict boundaries with their WWS and knowing if ANY deviation from those boundaries change, Divorce would be immediate....

 

There are others here who have struggled for years trying to R...They cannot seem to get over the (details maybe?)..and after 2,5,10 years still struggle...

 

I truly believe ..for a BS...there is a moment (if you will) of clarity that comes to us and for me I knew at that second i could not R..I knew i would forever struggling ,triggering and have doubts re : her and myself..i did not hesitate to file for D... ...and has it worked for me..but that was me..

 

You thinking now is skewed as anyones would be having such a horriable experiance.. ,but soon you will gather yourself...(with help..m/c..i/c)..and the answer will come to you...whether its 6 months or 6 years.. the answer WILL come to you....it always does..

But why hasn't he asked her if polyamory will keep them together.

[nightmare01]

There's no need to rush to a decision - even though it feels like there is.

 

The truth is that you WILL heal - with or with your WW. We all heal, just like a cut on your hand will heal, there's not much you can do to prevent it. BUT you will forever have a scar, and that scar will be there regardless of whether you stay with you WW or not.

 

I am 13 years past Dday, and my WW and I are still together. We get along great, and life is good. There is a shadow that goes with that scar though, and that's always there.

 

From talking with other BH I've gleaned that the healing is quicker for you if you divorce and move on. It takes longer if you stay because you have to get over your WW being a trigger herself. And you have to find a way to rebuild some level of trust (which will never be what it was before).

 

Take your time and make the decision that is best for you.

[jnel921]

I'm so sorry for your pain. 3 months is still very early and yes you will feel many things.

 

First off your decision to stay or R is important. Mostly because it is dependent on how both you and your WW feel after D-Day and what exactly were your circumstances.

 

It takes a remorseful WS to want to R. If your WW still wants her AP then its time to D. You need to reconcile your own feelings and work through your hurt and anger. I know its not easy but possible.

 

I D my first H because he had no remorse after he cheated on me. Lied and didn't care.

 

I R with my current H. His reaction to it all was different. He was truly remorseful and wanted to work on our M. I stayed and its been 2 years and 3 months since D-Day. Its been great.

 

We have rebuilt a lot of what was lost and it feels like a new relationship. We are still a work in progress but what we have is solid now.

 

You are hurting. You are not alone in your feelings. It takes time. With your WW's commitment and improved love it should get better. Good Luck.

[Jkidding]

In the grand scheme of things and the Universe. It does not really matter whether you divorce or reconcile. There are more stars in the universe than humans. Some say it might be 10^25 stars out there. Our own galaxy might have 300 billion stars. Again when u think of it... It doesn't really matter, just pick what you are most comfortable with.

[Jkidding]

From talking with other BH I've gleaned that the healing is quicker for you if you divorce and move on. It takes longer if you stay because you have to get over your WW being a trigger

 

exactly this. Staying is harder than leaving. But then again it doesnt really matter for anyone but you.

[clevelander321]

I found out my wife was cheating about 6 months ago.. I filed for divorce immediately. I think she was going to anyway.

 

It has been hard, especially since we have a 3 yr old..

 

However, many things in your life will be better.

 

If i am in a marriage, and sharing a life with someone, I give them my all.. Knowing she had an affair, there is no way i could truthfully romance her again.. I couldn't plan the same surprises i did before.. I couldn't feel good lying in bed with her.

 

I don't think I would ever trust again, and I would also feel weak for accepting this situation.

 

I truly did love her very much, but many things are better now..

 

Time with my son is just him and I.. While this was hard to adjust to, I enjoy every minute with him.. My home is cleaner.. I save more money.

 

And recently I had a date with a very pretty, younger, and very fun girl who made me feel like the best man that ever existed.. It shows me that women out there do view me as a great catch, can be very physically attracted to me, and would feel lucky to have me. This makes it all easier.

 

On the other hand I have a friend who tried the reconciling route, and for the past 3 years he has just been finding out about more and more men his wife cheated with.. He is still stuck trying to stay together for the kids..

[Deidre]

Cheating is a dealbreaker...not because I'm unforgiving, but because I know me, and I just would never trust the guy again. And even if the person was true to me again, I'd always wonder. Probably wouldn't be fair to me or him, in the long run.

 

 

That is what infidelity does...it breaks trust. I'd recommend not rushing to divorce if you're not ready, but maybe take a few months, don't discuss the word divorce, and don't try to work things out with her either. Try to work through this on your own, and tell her so. Tell her you need time and space and you don't want to jump into working on things with her or a divorce. She is in damage control mode, so all gestures would be suspect. (my opinion)

 

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and hopefully...you'll make a choice that has YOUR best interests at heart. I'm not pro-marriage for so many reasons, this being one of them. If she was just a gf, you could say...bye! Same hurt and pain, but none of the legal hassles.

 

 

I hope u find peace.

[mikethemechanic]

I'm so sorry for your pain. 3 months is still very early and yes you will feel many things.

 

First off your decision to stay or R is important. Mostly because it is dependent on how both you and your WW feel after D-Day and what exactly were your circumstances.

 

It takes a remorseful WS to want to R. If your WW still wants her AP then its time to D. You need to reconcile your own feelings and work through your hurt and anger. I know its not easy but possible.

 

I D my first H because he had no remorse after he cheated on me. Lied and didn't care.

 

I R with my current H. His reaction to it all was different. He was truly remorseful and wanted to work on our M. I stayed and its been 2 years and 3 months since D-Day. Its been great.

 

We have rebuilt a lot of what was lost and it feels like a new relationship. We are still a work in progress but what we have is solid now.

 

You are hurting. You are not alone in your feelings. It takes time. With your WW's commitment and improved love it should get better. Good Luck.

 

But how certain is that reality that he doesn't have an EA with ow after all you can create memories that never are/were and if you can create memories that don't exist than you are implanting memories which are potent sources of behavior. Now you have shaped your thinking towards ex WS. An example would be ex WS smiling as you talk about his affair however that realization just might end divorce so rather than except it you re-create that memory into a positive one. Oh he wasn't smiling he was frowning as I talked about his affair. You create your own reality independent from what is real.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Tell her everything that's on your mind. She needed an outlet and found an F-d up one. Now YOU need an outlet, and she needs to bear it.

 

Good point, I'm trying not to hold back.

[VeryBrokenMan]

There are others here who have struggled for years trying to R...They cannot seem to get over the (details maybe?)..and after 2,5,10 years still struggle...

 

I don't want to be that guy that is still struggling at 5 or 10 years. Life is too short for that.

 

I truly believe ..for a BS...there is a moment (if you will) of clarity that comes to us and for me I knew at that second i could not R..I knew i would forever struggling ,triggering and have doubts re : her and myself..i did not hesitate to file for D... ...and has it worked for me..but that was me..

 

You thinking now is skewed as anyones would be having such a horriable experiance.. ,but soon you will gather yourself...(with help..m/c..i/c)..and the answer will come to you...whether its 6 months or 6 years.. the answer WILL come to you....it always does..

Good to know, thanks. Time will either heal or tell me what to do.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Cheating is a dealbreaker...not because I'm unforgiving, but because I know me, and I just would never trust the guy again. And even if the person was true to me again, I'd always wonder. Probably wouldn't be fair to me or him, in the long run.

 

I always thought it was a deal breaker for me as well. I was prepared to D the day I gave her an ultimatum. Never expected the response I got. In some ways I wish I had just ended it that day but until your in that position you will never know what you will really do.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and hopefully...you'll make a choice that has YOUR best interests at heart. I'm not pro-marriage for so many reasons, this being one of them. If she was just a gf, you could say...bye! Same hurt and pain, but none of the legal hassles.

 

I hope u find peace.

Thanks for your comments.