What to tell the kids long term

[Striver]

My wife has separated from me and is divorcing me after 8 years of marriage and three children. She left me to date another man.

 

At this point one of my questions is what I tell the kids if they ask later on. The kids are all six and under and don't really know anything yet, since we live in the same house.

 

I strongly disagree with what my wife is doing for moral reasons. I am a good man, we did not argue. She made no attempt to make this work. It is truly something called a "frivorce", a divorce undertaken for frivolous reasons.

 

So if/when they ask, what do I say? I'd like to say we tried our best to make it work, but that would be lying. She made no effort. I'm not going to say that sometimes mommy and daddy don't love each other any more, also not something I feel is true or fair. Short term, I can say just say the facts that mommy and daddy felt it would be better if they didn't live together any more. That might work for a while. Any other ideas?

[No Limit]

Sounds more like affair-aftermath and chasing bunnies from her side.

 

You can tell them the truth when they're older. Chances are they will get information sooner when mommy tells them it was their father who abandoned them so they will accept OM in the future.

[Levite]

Sounds more like affair-aftermath and chasing bunnies from her side.

 

You can tell them the truth when they're older. Chances are they will get information sooner when mommy tells them it was their father who abandoned them so they will accept OM in the future.

 

This is true. Human nature is such that people present the "facts" in such a way that makes them look best.

 

I have decided to refrain from telling my children anything. I have not told them, nor will I ever tell them, that their mother assaulted me and was arrested for it. I also will not tell them that she was abusive. Nor will I tell them that she tried to have them taken away from me with a false call to CPS, even though I have hard copy proof. Early on, I thought I would tell them, but you know what I've realized? They will learn who their mom is. They will see how she is. Sure, they will always love her (since she is their mother), but they will see over the years how she is cruel to people, manipulative, and violent. I won't need to say anything at all.

 

When people discover things on their own, they believe it MORE than they do if you were to tell them. We have to discover things for ourselves.

 

The only time I would explain something to your children is if your kids have been flat-out lied to by your spouse. In this case, it's merely a matter of stating facts. But I wouldn't even discuss the facts unless your kids directly come to you and ask.

 

Best of luck in your situation.

Edited January 15, 2015 by Levite

[Mr. Lucky]

The only time I would explain something to your children is if your kids have been flat-out lied to by your spouse. In this case, it's merely a matter of stating facts. But I wouldn't even discuss the facts unless your kids directly come to you and ask.

 

Best of luck in your situation.

 

This is solid and sensible advice. My ex-wife (years ago) similarly cheated on me and ultimately left our marriage. When our son became a young adult, he asked me "why did you and Mom divorce"? My response was we'd grown apart and couldn't any longer be married. That we both loved him but had stopped loving each other. All he ever needed to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tocook]

Your children are so young they don't need to know any specific details. However, these young people are also the most perceptive ones when it comes to their parents emotions. They will know that their daddy is hurting while their mommy is making kisses with another man. Be the bigger person and never directly say anything negative about your ex to your children. Shower then with your love for them, it can be very healing. And if you don't want make false statements to them, go with the "daddy and mommy (if you can add this it'll mean a lot to the kids) will always love you" and "you didn't do anything to cause this." But what I think is most important is to ask them how they are feeling. It's not what they know that's important, because they can't truly know everything that is going on, it is how they are coping with the breakup of their parents and family.

[GoBlue]

Any time that children ask questions the answer should always be age appropriate. Remember one thing, to a child their mother is their mother and their father is their father. They have no choice in what takes place between the two. For that reason, trying to paint one person as the "good guy" and the other as "the bad guy" does nothing but create a rift in the hearts of these innocent ones. I really am sorry for the situation. So many people become blinded by the allure of immediate satisfaction over long-term joy and health. Seeking the help and advice of a Pastor or counselor could be indispensable - I highly recommend it. I can also point you to a faith-based organization that offers a free counseling session by phone. If you are interested send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[BetrayedH]

Study this stuff somewhere other than here. It's a volatile subject here, without consensus.

 

In my state, completion of an online coparenting course is required for divorcing parents. If it's required in your state, perhaps you should start there and get it done. Two birds and all that.

 

Personally, I haven't told my kids of their mother's infidelity. I "lied" and said that we had big diagreements and couldn't make them work (short version). The research I found said to let children be children and leave them out of the adult's business. I hated the message it conveyed (that marriage is disposable) but I have to say that my kids recovered remarkably well. Data shows that kids recover more slowly when one parent is at fault.

 

But don't take my word for it. Do some research.

[clevelander321]

They will know that their daddy is hurting while their mommy is making kisses with another man.

 

 

 

What do you think the effects on or thoughts of a 3 and a half year old boy who is very close to his dad are, when he sees this exact scenario?

[Striver]

Study this stuff somewhere other than here. It's a volatile subject here, without consensus.

 

In my state, completion of an online coparenting course is required for divorcing parents. If it's required in your state, perhaps you should start there and get it done. Two birds and all that.

 

Personally, I haven't told my kids of their mother's infidelity. I "lied" and said that we had big diagreements and couldn't make them work (short version). The research I found said to let children be children and leave them out of the adult's business. I hated the message it conveyed (that marriage is disposable) but I have to say that my kids recovered remarkably well. Data shows that kids recover more slowly when one parent is at fault.

 

But don't take my word for it. Do some research.

 

We did have an in-person class that was required before our mediation over placement. They had a presentation and showed a video, which was again disconcerting to me because the people in the video are presented as "trying their best" which did not happen in our case on her end.

 

It probably is best if I keep the peace and keep them reassured for their childhood. STBXW is a competent mom, even if she was a bad wife. Maybe something like mommy and daddy can't agree, can't get along, something that explains it enough for now.

 

If I get questions later on, as they approach adulthood and serious relationships, I may be more honest. As a single parent I am going to take more of a lead role in teaching the kids morals. There were a couple of family incidents that I had to ask my parents about and they were honest when I asked about them, but that was when I was older. I probably owe the kids honesty when the time is right.

[BetrayedH]

We did have an in-person class that was required before our mediation over placement. They had a presentation and showed a video, which was again disconcerting to me because the people in the video are presented as "trying their best" which did not happen in our case on her end.

 

It probably is best if I keep the peace and keep them reassured for their childhood. STBXW is a competent mom, even if she was a bad wife. Maybe something like mommy and daddy can't agree, can't get along, something that explains it enough for now.

 

If I get questions later on, as they approach adulthood and serious relationships, I may be more honest. As a single parent I am going to take more of a lead role in teaching the kids morals. There were a couple of family incidents that I had to ask my parents about and they were honest when I asked about them, but that was when I was older. I probably owe the kids honesty when the time is right.

 

You're landing in pretty much the same place as me. My kids were about 5 and 9 at the time. It's been a couple of years and they haven't yet asked any more detailed questions. If they do ask "why did you really divorce?," my default response will likely be that they should ask their Mom and if they don't feel like they got a good answer, I'll be glad to talk more to them about it.

 

Kids' self-esteem is connected to their parents. Tell a kid that their Mom/Dad did something bad or is a bad person and watch them hang their own head in shame. I'm really doing my best not to disparage their mother at all. If they need answers, I will direct them to ask her first. But there are limits to how much I'll lie to my kids.

 

As for a little more detail on what I told my kids when we decided to divorce, I basically painted a picture of how difficult it is when two married people have to agree on EVERYTHING - every single decision requires agreement (especially when parenting). I then stressed that she and I had managed to do pretty well for almost 20 years but in the last few years, we had some bigger things and no matter how we tried (including seeing a marriage counselor to help us), we still couldn't agree and it was leading to some big arguments. And so we decided that we might do a better job raising two kids in two separate but happy households rather than one unhappy household. From there it was just reassurance that they'd see each parent every few days. Throw in some stuff about new bedrooms and before you know it, they're excited. Mine were back to watching a movie in about 5 minutes.

 

Again, I didn't like lying to my kids or sending them the message that marriage is disposable. But I havr many years to influence them on morals and relationships. Their time with me will count. When I expressed some dismay about lying to the kids to their therapist (we sent them to one briefly), the therapist pointed out that telling them about my wife's infidelity was ultimately more about what I needed rather than what the kids needed. That pretty much sold it for me. I'm pretty big on honesty but I have faith that my kids will understand that they were just too young for this kind of adult drama at the time. My bond with them is strong enough that we'll get thru it.

 

I'm rambling so I'll stop there. Hopefully something in there helps.

Edited January 16, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Movingforward2]

I think my daughters will figure it out........their mother lost her mind basically with a meltdown/midlife that no one saw coming. #NotBitter #2015

[Tocook]

disconcerting to me because the people in the video are presented as "trying their best" which did not happen in our case on her end.

.

 

You're stuck on her not trying her best which is understandable because it's supposed to take two. However, you can't control what she does (ie her betrayal) but you can control how you support your kids emotionally. That's what is important here. Unfortunately, your hurt comes second to your kids.