HUGE guilt leaving her and step kids !!!!!

[BlueIris]

Have you considered rearranging your lifestyle and financial plan and reestablish your prior work situations, get money flowing again and hire an au pair or nanny, even part time? That could decrease her exhaustion and stress and give you the time you want together. It might sound impossibly expensive but once I actually did a budget and made changes, then took the dive, it really wasn't and life was much much better.

Edited January 15, 2015 by BlueIris

[GoBlue]

I just want to be free and have my own time and not to deal/spent time/entertain/play/make study 2 other little people. I guess I am selfish and bad father

 

You are going to get exactly what you want - free time to be alone all you want. You better prepare yourself, being alone is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week proposition. It's not all it's cracked up to be! Just ask me I'll tell you. There is, of course, a reason why you have all these guilty feelings. Be thankful for them because it means you haven't lost all sensitivity yet, but if you stay on this path, you will.

 

Can I ask you a question? What is the foundation you are building your life on, or hope to build it on? I mean, honestly, you want to leave your wife and then inform her by e-mail because you don't want to witness her brokenness and crying. Don't you have a single person in your life whom you respect that can speak some truth and tell you what you already know (see above quote regarding selfishness)? There has to be a Pastor, counselor, or a trusted friend who has a family and understands what it's like to have demands placed on them by children.

 

Dude - there is a better way. For your own sake and for the sake of these three people whose heart you are about to rip out of their chest - I hope you find it soon. Do you really believe the key to your own personal happiness is to run away and be alone?

[slizl]

Couple O' Tips

 

- Have your wife maybe take the kids somewhere so you can have some alone time for a few hours (you can do the same for her as well)

- Have a date night with your wife once a week or two (yes it is expensive with babysitter, date, etc. but cheaper than a divorce and well worth discovering how cool your wife is while she is not around the kids)

Edited January 15, 2015 by slizl
whoops....

[KBarletta]

Please don't leave your wife with with an e-mail. That is a cop out. If you are going to leave, you at least owe her a face to face explanation.

 

That said, I would want to know whether you have communicated your issues with your wife?

 

1. Have you discussed your need for quiet time away from the kids? Do you have a study or an attic or "man cave" where you can have alone time? Everyone needs that, and you sound like you do more than most. You should tell your wife and try to rearrange things so you can have that.

 

2. Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you have a lot of stress and don't cope well. Counseling can help, and also can help with the communication issues you seem to have with your wife, so you can effectively deal with the problems rather than running from them.

 

3. Have you tried to get a baby sitter once or twice a week so you can have alone time? That's essential. Can you have family or a friend or neighborhood kid take care of the kids once in a while so you and your wife can have time to yourselves?

 

I would exhaust all of those options before moving out and sending an e-mail. You state several times above that you don't want to be "another bad guy." So don't.

[sandylee1]

I can't understand why these kids are such winemakers and you don't get any peace. When my kids were that age, they got on with their own stuff. PlayStation, DS, tv and computers etc. I get the impression they have adhd or something. I mean honestly the kids don't bother us like that at all. Maybe their past upheaval has made them very demanding of their mom's attention.

Sometimes I have to sell my kids out in the hottest, because they always do their own thing and retreat to their rooms, plus they have an area where they can watch tv and their dvds.

 

You've obviously checked out of this marriage, but if you hadn't I'd suggest you talk to your wife about how you feel. Like you never spend enough alone time, don't have enough fun together etc. Making a marriage work takes effort and not even giving her a chance to try and fix things Isn't fair.

 

Unless you don't love her any more.

 

I know we cant help who we fall for, but can I ask why you took on a woman with so much baggage. Two kids and a terrible ex husband. That really was a huge undertaking, never mind all the money it cost in court costs. It's like you've got through the worst and when things should be easier as the kids are getting older, it's become so much worse for you.

[sandylee1]

I can't understand why these kids are such winemakers and you don't get any peace. When my kids were that age, they got on with their own stuff. PlayStation, DS, tv and computers etc. I get the impression they have adhd or something. I mean honestly the kids don't bother us like that at all. Maybe their past upheaval has made them very demanding of their mom's attention.

Sometimes I have to sell my kids out in the hottest, because they always do their own thing and retreat to their rooms, plus they have an area where they can watch tv and their dvds.

 

You've obviously checked out of this marriage, but if you hadn't I'd suggest you talk to your wife about how you feel. Like you never spend enough alone time, don't have enough fun together etc. Making a marriage work takes effort and not even giving her a chance to try and fix things Isn't fair.

 

Unless you don't love her any more.

 

I know we cant help who we fall for, but can I ask why you took on a woman with so much baggage. Two kids and a terrible ex husband. That really was a huge undertaking, never mind all the money it cost in court costs. It's like you've got through the worst and when things should be easier as the kids are getting older, it's become so much worse for you.

 

Amendment to paragraph. Just realised it didnt make sense. Predictive text. SEE CAPS.

 

Sometimes I have to SEEK my kids out in the HOUSE because they always do their own thing and retreat to their rooms, plus they have an area where they can watch tv and their dvds.

[trippi1432]

I've been on the sides of this "fence" as a single mom....I've also had the demanding second husband that insisted he came first by not really being a respectable father figure to either of our children. The longer we were together, the more he criticized and ultimately physically abused my daughter from a previous marriage, especially after our son was born. I will give him this much, he's done better at being a dad when he stopped trying to be in "control" all the time.

 

 

I'm not trying to attack you Peter based on my experience, I know that every situation is different. The one guy who hurt me the most was the guy who really just didn't like kids...he even had several of his own (he was 10 years post-D, I was 3). My last boyfriend was very honest..."there was one thing that I couldn't fix, and it wasn't my fault." (his words). I couldn't fix my kids to what made him feel comfortable....nor could his next GF as she had a son who had a kid....he always felt "slighted".

 

 

That is something to consider, you really have to know you. I watched Steve Harvey tonight...7 kids, blended family from who knows how many marriages.....his own kids, an adopted kid and his step kids, where they came from isn't important, if kids could choose their parents how different would the world be? The fact is, how big is YOUR heart?

 

 

I take it that you don't have kids, but I've read that you sacrificed understanding her position and worked to rectify it, helped her and fought for her and with her along the way. She would have had to do that anyway......with or without you, that's honestly the cruz here. I'm getting that she was glad you were there, but if you aren't this type of guy, you really do need to leave. She will be fine, heartbroken for a bit, but she would prefer honesty than someone faking it...and from your posts it sounds like you are.