HUGE guilt leaving her and step kids !!!!!

[Peter171234]

We are still together but I want to leave next week. We got married 5 years ago. Quick. Beginning was great between us even she had 2 step kids from previous marriage. They were 5 year old, twins. Her divorce with her 1st ex husband was nightmare and she was still hurt when I married her. He cheated on her twice and stole all her money, never payed for kids and was still harassing her after the divorce - filing fake cases with D.A, hacking into her email, filing restraining orders against her and even me.

 

I did everything for her to stop the idiot. It took me 3 years and we turned courts around and dismissed EVERYTHING, at the end we got a restraining order against him and dismiss all his filing with prejudice and even charged HIM with 4 felony charges on child support fraud. This hurt my wife a lot, cost us $30,000 (mostly my money) but I don't complain about it. Telling this so you know she had HORRIBLE first divorce and told me she never wanted to be married again and I was her "last chance".

 

On surface all looks well. Courts are behind, step kids are calling me "Daddy", but I am NOT happy !!!!!

 

1st. We are very different and last 5 years I was trying to make us "not different" but it did not work. I like reading , going woods, she likes movies on a couch and be "home Mommy" . I like intellectual stuff , she likes "just to relax"

 

2nd. We spoke about it numerous time but kids take 90% of her time, she is with them from the time she picks them up from school to the time they sleep, they constantly need to be fed or taking care off and they bug me all the time too. Not only I have no time with wife but cannot do anything on my own. Weekends even worse - she is with them all the time, till 10pm, the only good time I remember I had with her when kids were NOT home !!!! and of course after we both spend all free time with kids we are exhausted. I know it's ALL ABOUT KIDS because when her ex was taking them for 1-3 week school break with him - our relationship was FINE !!!!

 

Funny, but I escape from home when kids there - i will rather work, go to school, visit friends or Mom, etc, but just not to spend time with kids. I would rather go to Mom and read a book in a quiet environment than being with 2 kids who take all our time. And even if they doing their stuff and play games or watch TV in their room - it still doesn't feel the same as if we were alone. Alone with my wife I can work out our issue that we like different stuff but NEVER when kids are around.

 

I cannot concentrate on anything when they are home, cannot study for my work or even read - I feel like I can NEVER HAVE PEACE and REST !!!!

 

Am I a horrible Daddy? Well, step Daddy? Am I the person who should never have kids ?????? I want to leave THEM (but of course have to leave them all 3, how can I leave just kids ????) and have my peace and quiet time !!!!!!!!

 

But I feel like **** doing this !!!!!! My wife was horrible hurt in the first marriage, now I will do this to her again ????? What about kids ? They already see what kind of garbage was their biological father and left them for a younger girl when they were 1 year old, they see what he did to Mommy !!! And now, after it was so hard for them to have a REAL DADDY (it's how they both are calling me now) I am leaving them too ???? Not talking about she has no income and will have to be poor again and has to live with her Mom in a house which will be not easy at all too.

 

So If I leave her now, she will be twice divorced, no income (she can only go on a system for 5 years) and kids will have no family again ????

 

But on other hand - i am NOT happy at all with kids, never have any rest or peace , never can relax, hate days when they are not in school.

 

I decided to leave next week and prepare my escape already but feel so terrible now with all this GUILT !!!!! I also know she will cry cry cry so I decided not to tell her anything and email the same day I would leave her

 

Peter, who feels horrible

[Poppyolive]

Wow. I am gobsmacked. You will leave your wife, not tell her but send an email.

 

She deserves much much better.

[Majormisstep]

I'm not a huge proponent of counselling, but that just may in order for your situation. If your W was presented with the option to share her "twins time" with you or risk losing the marriage, she may find a suitable sitter once a week - in a big hurry.

 

Most spouses have different interests or hobbies and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact it is quite healthy.

 

Entering into a ready-made family comes with many challenges and you must have known this when you fell for this woman. She needs to be made fully aware of your feelings and I'll bet the dynamics will change. If the twins are around 10 years old (?), it won't be long before they find their own interests outside of the home or hole up in their bedrooms for hours at a time like most normal teenagers.

 

You are still in the transition stage and bailing at this point of time just seems to be the quick, easy way out. If you love her, then you at least owe her the opportunity to make a change.

[Ralph79]

Peter,

 

1 word comes to mind when I read your post.

 

"Trapped".

 

You are not. You have helped this family a lot. They owe you the piece of mind you desire. But you have to be able to openly communicate with your wife. You saved them from despair and now you feel they can't survive without you.

 

This is going to feel horrible no matter how you handle it. Email, Phone Call, Telegram, Fax..... There is no right way to leave a family you have committed to for 5 years.

 

However, why not dedicate some time to help them be self sufficient.?

Does your wife work? Could she get a job?, could the kids do some extra-curricular activities? Join a team in any sport? Maybe if you set them on the right path, perhaps you won't feel so trapped and your feelings towards this your situation might change. ? If it doesn't change your feelings, then at least you will leave one day knowing they will manage.

 

Just a thought.

[Peter171234]

Dear Poppyolive, about 1 year ago when we were arguing about kids I was telling her I could leave - she cried 3 days straight, non-stoppable, and I was felling like I was in Hell. How can I tell her in person ??????

 

Dear Majormisstep, we are poor, no way we can afford anything to keep kids busy, I don't know WHY - but even spending a little bit time with kids is hard for me. I guess, unfortunately, I am not a Daddy material and it's just hard for me ????? I wish it was the way out not to hurting them. Yes, they are 10 y old.

[Peter171234]

Dear Ralph79,

 

I did not leave them for the last 2 years ONLY because it was court after court with her ex, and I could not leave her like that. I was telling myself "not now, if I leave her, he would attack her more." Now, just a few weeks ago all is over and he is charged with felonies and cannot do anything significant to her. Also I made all his courts dismissed with prejudice, so he cannot file anymore.

 

She doesn't work, but it hurts even more because I made her to leave her job by promising I would support her and she would be at home with kids or do some business from home. I failed. I lost my job recently and have to go to 6 month school to get a better job. So no money for after school activities for kids, we barely pay bills.

 

Again, unfortunately , and I don't know WHY - any time i spend with kids is hard !!!!! They play on a computer and watch TV all day if I don't bother them. But as soon as we turn off TV and PC - we have no rest with them. She is very tired with kids too. All the time. I don't know why. One time she told me (3 years back) that she wished she was single , had no kids and enjoyed life. But she said it only ONE TIME.

 

Problem is that she does love me, great wife, cooks for me, takes care of all house chores, cannot say anything bad about her and it makes leaving her even harder. I feel now that I will be remembered like another JERK and BAD GUY.

[clevelander321]

What did you think raising another guys kids would be like?

[Peter171234]

What did you think raising another guys kids would be like?

 

Actually kids are GREAT with me, they call me Daddy and know what their biological Dad did to Mommy, so I don't know if it's the point why I wanna leave. I just want to be free and have my own time and not to deal/spent time/entertain/play/make study 2 other little people. I guess I am selfish and bad father

[clevelander321]

What did you think raising another guys kids would be like?

 

Actually kids are GREAT with me, they call me Daddy and know what their biological Dad did to Mommy, so I don't know if it's the point why I wanna leave. I just want to be free and have my own time and not to deal/spent time/entertain/play/make study 2 other little people. I guess I am selfish and bad father

 

Even with YOUR OWN kids it is tough.Your life as a dad is those kids.. I can't blame you and I would not feel guilty.

[NopeNah]

Tough spot,but it really isn't your problem. She's an adult and should get her ex paying support and get a job.

[Majormisstep]

Well Peter, life throws curveballs, and you/your family were dealt one. While you are having your "unhappy" conversation with your W, this is the perfect opportunity to strongly suggest she go out and get a job. Even if it is part time while the kids are in school, she needs to make some type of financial contribution. Some families can function on one income, others cannot and you seem to fall into the latter category.

 

You were an insta-daddy and man, that can test the resolve of those with the best intentions. Maybe you are not dad material, but this is something you should have seriously considered before you bailed this woman and her kids out of their previous mess. I know, I know...hindsight is 20/20.

 

Have the talk with her and put it ALL out on the table. And if she just chooses to cry for days on end and not action anything, well, that might make leaving a wee bit more bearable.

[Peter171234]

Dear Praying4Daylight, ex not paying because he will hit a jail for 1.5-2 years in a few weeks, yep, she will have to get a job

 

Dear Clevelander321, "I can't blame you and I would not feel guilty." - i just wish she would have felt the same

[Peter171234]

Dear Majormisstep, I know even if she works 7 days a week I would not be happy, she did work for during first 2 years of our marriage. She was ALWAYS tired, it's why I told her to quit her job. And plus kids will be still the same spoiled kids lol. I finally put "lol" because if I don't joke about it I would go crrrrrazy.

 

By the way, before I married her I was always a happy boy and was always joking around , she doesn't like too much joking and often in a sad mood or screaming at kids for not listening

[Hope Shimmers]

Actually kids are GREAT with me, they call me Daddy and know what their biological Dad did to Mommy, so I don't know if it's the point why I wanna leave. I just want to be free and have my own time and not to deal/spent time/entertain/play/make study 2 other little people. I guess I am selfish and bad father

 

Yes, you are selfish and a bad father. I say this because you KNEW you were marrying a woman with 2 small children so now you don't get to whine and complain about how you want your peace. I think it's terrible that you inserted yourself into their lives to the point that the kids think of you as a father, when you had NO desire to be a father. You are supposed to be an adult - you should have thought of that before.

 

What you should do, in my opinion, is to get out of their lives as soon as possible so they can move on.

[Peter171234]

Dear Hope Shimmers, I appreciate your point and I think you ARE RIGHT !!!

[todreaminblue]

What a horrible situation for those children and their mothr ...and ultimately you.....

 

as a single mother....i say to you ...leave.....no matter how upset she gets have the decency to tell her in person up front and face your shortcomings..be honest ....be compassionate....but leave afterwards .....tell her ...and get out......make sure you notify friends and family after that you have left so they may comfort her when she and the children grieve for you ...yes breaking up is grieving to put a child through it after they have gone through it before.....you better be sure its forever you leave them to heal .....there will be no going back....you would be more of an ass if you stay...yes you are an ass....do the right thing though......next time and when you tell her how you feel...be compassionate..............deb...

[Peter171234]

Dear Todreaminblue, but what other option do i have without hurting them ? Should I just give up on myself and raise them no matter of what ? Just say "no" to my life and live to make sure at least kids are raised ????????

 

I don't know what to do !!!!!!

 

She is letting kids play all day and not to study and when I try to make them read and study , they get mad at me. So I just let it go. I don't fight with her anymore, pretend I am happy and I do pretend that I have the best family I could only wish.

 

Should I continue doing this for another , say 10 years? Till kids finished college? I pretend last year or so - we have never fought for 1 year, I am always sweet with her and we never fight.

[clevelander321]

My wife had an affair with some guy who gave her tens of thousands for legal bills..

 

Of course she made me seem like some sort of irrational, abusive monster.. So he "helped" her.. At the end of the day he does not want to raise my son either.. Now my ex looks back and realizes she made a huge mistake..

 

it's best to stay away from newly single women with kids.

[clevelander321]

Dear Todreaminblue, but what other option do i have without hurting them ? Should I just give up on myself and raise them no matter of what ? Just say "no" to my life and live to make sure at least kids are raised ????????

 

I don't know what to do !!!!!!

 

She is letting kids play all day and not to study and when I try to make them read and study , they get mad at me. So I just let it go. I don't fight with her anymore, pretend I am happy and I do pretend that I have the best family I could only wish.

 

Should I continue doing this for another , say 10 years? Till kids finished college? I pretend last year or so - we have never fought for 1 year, I am always sweet with her and we never fight.

 

How often does the real dad see the kids?

[NopeNah]

Dear Todreaminblue, but what other option do i have without hurting them ? Should I just give up on myself and raise them no matter of what ? Just say "no" to my life and live to make sure at least kids are raised ????????

 

I don't know what to do !!!!!!

 

She is letting kids play all day and not to study and when I try to make them read and study , they get mad at me. So I just let it go. I don't fight with her anymore, pretend I am happy and I do pretend that I have the best family I could only wish.

 

Should I continue doing this for another , say 10 years? Till kids finished college? I pretend last year or so - we have never fought for 1 year, I am always sweet with her and we never fight.

Just get out,man. It sucks,but if you're not in it,get out. My ex left me for a guy after a 5yr and I would still pick her kid up for his sporting events and such(did so for 3yrs), because I was invested in him and wanted to. Not her. You're not in it for ANY reason,so I'd just go.

[Peter171234]

"How often does the real dad see the kids?"

 

Almost never , he lives in Ohaio , other state with a new wife and has 2 kids with her, he sees my step kids less and less, about 6 weeks a year now, before he hits a jail

[Peter171234]

I guess u have a point, Praying4DayLight, thank u

[NopeNah]

BTW...I don't say that to be mean. I understand. I just couldn't leave him with his mom the way she was running around and things. I love him as my own kid(I raised my daughter). So..The kids are still young and she's young enough to where the sooner you go would be the best. I'd not do it by email though..that IS weak!

[Mr. Lucky]

You are still in the transition stage and bailing at this point of time just seems to be the quick, easy way out. If you love her, then you at least owe her the opportunity to make a change.

 

I wonder if you can't change the logistics slightly to make this more tolerable for you.

 

Can you "man cave" a room in the house and make it an area where only Dad is allowed? Where he goes for his private time, to study and relax? Your wife would have to buy into this.

 

I don't understand why the 10-year olds are such high maintenance. When my kids were that age they played with friends, read books, participated in sports, watched some TV and spent much of the day doing their own thing - and this was before PCs, iPads and social media. Why do you feel so under siege?

 

Does your wife ignore them? Does she expect you to be an equal co-parent? The cold hard fact is they're her kids. You may have to be blunt about what you're willing to contribute. I brought a son into my second marriage and never expected my spouse to be as involved as I was. To me, that made sense, he was mine. So I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, etc. You might have to spell out a similar deal.

 

Look, you may never be the "Father Knows Best" TV family from the milk commercials. But neither will you be leaving a destitute ex-wife and two heartbroken kids.

 

Seems like there should be some middle ground between going crazy and, email on the table, sneaking out the back door...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tocook]

I wonder if you can't change the logistics slightly to make this more tolerable for you.

 

Can you "man cave" a room in the house and make it an area where only Dad is allowed? Where he goes for his private time, to study and relax? Your wife would have to buy into this.

 

I don't understand why the 10-year olds are such high maintenance. When my kids were that age they played with friends, read books, participated in sports, watched some TV and spent much of the day doing their own thing - and this was before PCs, iPads and social media. Why do you feel so under siege?

 

Does your wife ignore them? Does she expect you to be an equal co-parent? The cold hard fact is they're her kids. You may have to be blunt about what you're willing to contribute. I brought a son into my second marriage and never expected my spouse to be as involved as I was. To me, that made sense, he was mine. So I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, etc. You might have to spell out a similar deal.

 

Look, you may never be the "Father Knows Best" TV family from the milk commercials. But neither will you be leaving a destitute ex-wife and two heartbroken kids.

 

Seems like there should be some middle ground between going crazy and, email on the table, sneaking out the back door...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Great points here ^^^

 

It sounds like you kind of want the marriage with your wife but not with the kids.

Would you be open to having date nights and more boundaries for the kids? Do you plan on having kids of your own in the future? I have 2 kids that are mine and there are days that I want hide in the closet for some peace and quiet. My kids are 6 and 8 and are pretty self sufficent when it comes to entertaining themselves . It's sounds to me like you're not fully invested in these kids lives. If you can live without them then there's no reason you should stay.