stranger_keta Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I am so surprised to receive so many replies on my previous thread. I am new to this website and since the previous thread was somehow closed, I created this Part 2 thread. First of all I appreciate your suggestions and willingness to help me. In a situation like this, one's mind is clouded and discussions like this could help me think from either ways. As some of you have guessed, We are both south asians and that is why divorce is not that easy... And yes, we didnot have sex before marriage. To be frank, i have tried my best (any possible thing to get her excited) and she does get excited . But the problem is -The sex after that is only limited to rubbing of inner parts after which she says she has some pain. She positions herself (probably due to discomfort) in such a way that its very difficult to penetrate even if it would. Forget about any other position than missionary. She is completely against any other positions. And then i am in a very delicate situation. Guys, its difficult to control when your sperm is somewhere in the middle and it has not come out yet. (Sorry for being little vulgar) So i get frustrated and i begin to masturbate. Now she takes this as something completely unnatural and turns her back on me and goes to sleep. There is no cuddling or sweet talking after i masturbate. She is just angry or upset after i masturbate. She thinks its my bad habit and i have become addicted to it. The weird part is she likes when my penis is soft. She like to play with it when it is really soft and then when it begins to harden,she is like--"OH this disgusting thing...why did u make it hard?" She thinks that i am not able to penetrate her because my dick is hugest dick in the whole planet. Trust me guys, it just a normal size. It may probably be smaller than most of the american guys. Guys, I am a PhD student and i am under a lot of stress due to my own research. From outside, everyone thinks i am quite happy with a beautiful wife. But only i know the sheer frustration of not having sex. And my wife thinks, my brain is corrupt thinking about sex every time. She directly asks me-"DID YOU MARRY ME JUST FOR SEX? AND NOW YOU ARE ANGRY COZ U CANT HAVE SEX? IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?" We have been to doctor for some suggestion. And she doesnot want me to be there when doctor is there. So i really dont know what doctor actually says. What she told me that doctor told her that some penis are actually large and try to use some lubes. We did that but nothing happens. The second time we went to doctor, doctor told her that she probably has vaginusmus. Vaginusmus, is a situation where the vaginal muscles try to contract during intercourse,which makes penetration difficult and it may be due to psychological fear or medical problems. The problem is, my wife doesnot understand or care about the gravity of situation. She is not willing to discuss her problems with me and nor have i seen her do any serious studying of what is Vaginusmus. The Doctor has referrred a website to her to gather information. Everything has to be told to her and yet she is not ready to listen. Guys, i am not a saint either. I get frustrated sometimes and i become angry too. But i would have at least compromised, if she were willing to provide relief in any way. And honestly, i think i am losing my sexual interest in her. Some of you guys suggested that i need to have open discussion with her. But she is never ready for discussion. She just says,-Do what you like. She does not take it seriously when i hint her that i cannot continue like this for ever. And i am here as an international student and she is here as dependent. I donot know how to send her back to our country even if i file for divorce. Even if i divorce,she wont want to leave the apartment. She is very obstinate type and probably thinks that i will not do anything mean to her. I think i may get in a deep legal **** and i am in my third year of PhD. Emotional dilema: I have this huge emotional dilemma over this divorce thing. The main problem is her Mum. Her Mum is a single mother who thinks that her daughter is married to a very nice guy ,who would never desert her in midlife. She treats me like her very son. And if i were to divorce my wife, it would completely devastate her. I am more concerned about her mother than her. Guys, i lost my mother due to cancer. And my Dad committed suicide two years before. I thought that having a wife would fill this void in my life but actually, i am depressed and sometimes, i wish that i have a accident in highway and be relieved of all this problems. I dont know why i am so unfortunate. I have had to struggle in every steps of life to reach this stage. And everyone except my wife appreciate what i have achieved in my life..I wonder why i am so unfortunate.I dont know..why me..why only me has to face all the burdens in life? i just feel like punching god in his face sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stranger_keta Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 No body has replied to me yet Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 No body has replied to me yet Your wife is simply a dick. You'll be lots better off without her in the way. Get a lawyer to represent you and start working on a divorce. That may seem like a huge deal now, but once you are divorced and free from her and her cruelty, you will kick yourself for not doing it two years ago. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 The next time she says to just do what you want, divorce her. That's what you want anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stranger_keta Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Emotional dilema: I have this huge emotional dilemma over this divorce thing. The main problem is her Mum. Her Mum is a single mother who thinks that her daughter is married to a very nice guy ,who would never desert her in midlife. She treats me like her very son. And if i were to divorce my wife, it would completely devastate her. I am more concerned about her mother than her. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Emotional dilema: I have this huge emotional dilemma over this divorce thing. The main problem is her Mum. Her Mum is a single mother who thinks that her daughter is married to a very nice guy ,who would never desert her in midlife. She treats me like her very son. And if i were to divorce my wife, it would completely devastate her. I am more concerned about her mother than her. Her mother will get over it. You can't live your life to please other people. Your choices are: 1. File for divorce. 2. Work WITH your wife on changes to the relationship so you can both be happy. See a sex therapist, get to the doctor WITH your wife and discuss your issues, start trying to please her (have you done that?), etc. This seems like a long-shot. 3. Live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Ok based on the info you have given us I can tell you this: When your wife finds a penis on a man she's actually attracted to, it won't hurt her at all. And when she leaves you for this guy, your Mother in Law will have her back 100%. Not yours. You are being used. Stop "nagging" your wife to have sex, and confront her. Tell her you are done being her Visa to be here. And that you are going to get a Divorce. Even if you don't mean to, just let her call your bluff. Tell her you need time to yourself and go stay at a friends house or something for a day or two. If she doesn't care to compromise when you come back then you know what to do. You are in the nick of time to set this marriage right if you have the guts to go through what I told you. If you don't, if you keep bowing down to the conditions imposed by your wife, you are in for a long and depressing marriage which trust me, she'll be the first one to bail out of later. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Emotional dilema: I have this huge emotional dilemma over this divorce thing. The main problem is her Mum. Her Mum is a single mother who thinks that her daughter is married to a very nice guy ,who would never desert her in midlife. She treats me like her very son. And if i were to divorce my wife, it would completely devastate her. I am more concerned about her mother than her. Is your mother in law having sex with you and taking care of your needs???? If she is not willing to step up and take care of the needs that your "wife" is refusing to do, then she has no say in the matter and should not be a consideration. You are just using that as an excuse to sit on your hands and do nothing but whine. 99% of real men would have left after a month of their wife refusing to consummate the marriage without a blink of an eye. We can't help you if you can't grow a backbone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stranger_keta Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Would friends and family consider me a selfish psycho if they hear that i left my wife because she wouldnot let me have sex?? I dont even know how to break this news into my family and hers...its so complicated.. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Would friends and family consider me a selfish psycho if they hear that i left my wife because she wouldnot let me have sex?? I dont even know how to break this news into my family and hers...its so complicated.. it's none of their business. You are adults and able to self-determine your own life. You do not owe anyone any explanation as to the specifics of why you are divorcing. A simple, "we were not compatible" is all the explanation anyone needs. Noone is entitled to anymore of your private information. Link to post Share on other sites
orangetree Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and doesn't seem to have any interest in working on your problems, instead she's blaming you. You tried everything, now the only possibility that's left is getting rid of her! Divorce her, because that's what you want- You even care about her mom's feelings more than you care about hers. Don't live your life for others, that's one of the most important things you always have to remember. If you do, you will just end up being unhappy and frustrated for the rest of your life. Her mom will get over it. It may be a shock for her at first, but she will get over it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Getting divorced is ALWAYS hard, sometimes because of reasons like yours,sometimes because of children, sometimes because of emotional attachment. What I'm saying is that eventually everyone will get over it, you, your wife, your mother and anyone else, and in the end you will be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Would friends and family consider me a selfish psycho if they hear that i left my wife because she wouldnot let me have sex?? I dont even know how to break this news into my family and hers...its so complicated.. It's not their business, but if you feel the need to explain I am pretty sure NO ONE would have a problem with a divorce after two years of your wife refusing to consummate the marriage and live up to her duties as wife. In fact, if you can medically prove non-consummation, you may qualify for annulment. You're not the psycho in this "marriage". Your wife is! It's abnormal to behave as she has behaved. Sex is a normal part of marriage and a sexual relationship between husband and wife is expected. Please, speak with a lawyer. Please. For your own sanity and future. Don't you want to find a wife who enjoys sex and who will eventually carry your children? Edited January 16, 2015 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
Author stranger_keta Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you everyone for your suggestion. It has convinced me to accept that divorce is not the end of world. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you everyone for your suggestion. It has convinced me to accept that divorce is not the end of world. Far from it. For you it will be a whole new beginning. Once you find a normal, decent woman that treats you like a human being, you will kick yourself for waiting so long and for doubting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Would friends and family consider me a selfish psycho if they hear that i left my wife because she wouldnot let me have sex?? I dont even know how to break this news into my family and hers...its so complicated.. Let me put this another way. This person that you are legally married to currently, is broken, nonfunctional and not a worthy wife. She is defective. Think of it like buying a car that turns out to be a junker and has more problems than what it is worth. Your family probably doesn't want you buying a new car every few months and wasting all that money and paperwork all the time. But they recognize that having a functional, operational car is an important necessity of life. So is a functional spouse and yours is not functional or doing what wives do. Your parents probably want grandchildren and if she is unwilling to consummate the marriage after two years, it's pretty apparent that she is going to be a dud there. at this point your family will be disappointed in you if you do not get rid of her and find a new one that actually works. Her parents and family will also want grandchildren and if she isn't willing to go there with you, then they will be ok if she finds someone else that she can function with as well. They may be a little leery about pulling the plug initially but they will understand that she has failed at this and will want her to have another chance with someone else. People are always a little sad and disappointed when a marriage dissolves, but this was not a real marriage. She had two years to consummate the marriage and failed to do so. She's a dud. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Would friends and family consider me a selfish psycho if they hear that i left my wife because she wouldnot let me have sex?? When/If they do hear the reason, the caveat will be that you lived in a sexless marriage for TWO YEARS and will not consider you a selfish psycho, but a saint who probably waited too long to deal with the issue... Link to post Share on other sites
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