Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 So, I feel that my affair was a symptom to a bigger problem. I love my husband but we have always argued,about everything,you name it. Over the years the arguing slowly killed me,then the no sex for years was awful. I feel I'm in this holding pattern and I just do not know where to land. I'm scared to be alone but staying with my husband just isn't fair to either of us. We separated for two weeks over the summer and then he just moved back in without discussing it with me. He felt it was humiliating that he had to go stay with his parents without telling dear mom the truth. Btw he's a mamas boy! I just think that it's not fair that he thinks everything is fine now. My A taught me one thing...I'm lonely and I'd rather be lonely alone than sitting with someone who stays with me for his comfort level. He claims he is still in love with me and adores me but how can he?? I think he just doesn't want a disruption in his world...I think he deserves more, like me. So this morning I told him I wasn't happy in this marriage and he immediately starts yelling that it's because I don't want it to be better. Then he storms out. He does this all the time...he wants honesty but when I try he leaves.... We have been to therapists over the years and talked till I have no voice. I'm just not in love with him anymore and I do not know what to do? I'm scared to leave because I have no money for an apartment..... What do I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 It seems like the marriage is over. Staying with someone just to avoid being lonely isn't good for either of you. You should both have a talk about the practicalities of parting company. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 On the positive side, your mind is on leaving rather than engaging in another affair and that's a good thing-you need to sit down and take stock of your life-who do you have to turn to for either some start up money or a place to stay so you can begin to end your marriage- I am unsure of your story, do you have young kids, a job, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Is there somewhere you can go? A friend? Family? Or, I'd hate to say it, but play the game if you have to. It's terrible, but if you don't have the means to leave right now, stay. Stay for now, but get your ducks in a row and get out. I know it's not ideal and no one wants to deceive anyone, but you are trying to be honest and he just doesn't want to hear it. Denial is powerful. If you don't have anywhere to go, get yourself in a good financial place and pack your bags and slam the door behind you and don't look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Is there somewhere you can go? A friend? Family? Or, I'd hate to say it, but play the game if you have to. It's terrible, but if you don't have the means to leave right now, stay. Stay for now, but get your ducks in a row and get out. I know it's not ideal and no one wants to deceive anyone, but you are trying to be honest and he just doesn't want to hear it. Denial is powerful. If you don't have anywhere to go, get yourself in a good financial place and pack your bags and slam the door behind you and don't look back. That's kind of what I've been trying to do. Have a job interview today,not a lot of money but it's a start and I'm seeing a therapist. Problem is that my H is a good guy and I do care for him deeply,I truly can't see not growing old with him but I can't see being with him either. I really hate being torn. And there are kids to think of..we have 3. So is it bad to just suck it up till my kids are older? Is that awful? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Problem is that my H is a good guy and I do care for him deeply,I truly can't see not growing old with him but I can't see being with him either. I really hate being torn. And there are kids to think of..we have 3. So is it bad to just suck it up till my kids are older? Is that awful? You need to resolve to do something. Stay or go. I understand the kid thing, but if you can't find happiness with him, then yes, it's awful to suck it up for the kids...b/c then no one is happy. I would hate to think my partner is staying with me b/c of the kid...but with that said, many people do it. Just figure out what you can and can't do. How long are you talking waiting for the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 You need to resolve to do something. Stay or go. I understand the kid thing, but if you can't find happiness with him, then yes, it's awful to suck it up for the kids...b/c then no one is happy. I would hate to think my partner is staying with me b/c of the kid...but with that said, many people do it. Just figure out what you can and can't do. How long are you talking waiting for the kids? Till they are a little older...3 years maybe.... I'm also afraid of letting people down, his family, my family...lfriends... Marriage is just so complicated...no one gets out alive! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I understand Can you do another three years? Ask yourself this and be honest. Lying to yourself or to anyone else is no way to live. Maybe get yourself hooked up in that time with a good paying job. Or Recommit to making it work with him. Marriage is hard work....but if you can make it work together - it's worth it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Till they are a little older...3 years maybe.... I'm also afraid of letting people down, his family, my family...lfriends... Marriage is just so complicated...no one gets out alive! You owe no one an explanation. Just imagine if you left that dead end marriage and found a real authentic kind of love? You owe it to yourself and your kids to be happy. A no sex marriage IMHO is abuse. I say get out now no matter what your husband thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 I understand Can you do another three years? Ask yourself this and be honest. Lying to yourself or to anyone else is no way to live. Maybe get yourself hooked up in that time with a good paying job. Or Recommit to making it work with him. Marriage is hard work....but if you can make it work together - it's worth it. Good luck. I read one of your posts about the twin flame thing.....very interesting? If it is true about soulmates then why do so many of us end up meeting them later on downthe road? Can we have more than one? I think my AP may have been mine but I'm still walking away from the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Till they are a little older...3 years maybe.... Why? What will having them be older mean for you in the long run? What is it in three years you are hoping for that will be different? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) I read one of your posts about the twin flame thing.....very interesting? If it is true about soulmates then why do so many of us end up meeting them later on downthe road? Can we have more than one? I think my AP may have been mine but I'm still walking away from the pain. I sent you a pm. It doesn't look like it went through. I'll try again. Edited January 15, 2015 by Rainbowlove Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Why? What will having them be older mean for you in the long run? What is it in three years you are hoping for that will be different? You knw what? I have no idea... I really don't. I just don't want them hurt, they are such amazing decent people and we have always been an extremely close knit family. I just want them to be more mentally mature to understand that things happen and it's not about them. Do you know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 IMO, once you realize you shouldn't have married someone it's best to move forward with UN-marrying them. It's all obviously not going to be resolved over night, nothing ever is, but make a plan and start working toward it. Yes, a job will go a long way toward putting you in the position to un-do this mistake you have made. And about your children, would you rather them believe a lie or witness you living authentically? Be true to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You knw what? I have no idea... I really don't. I just don't want them hurt, they are such amazing decent people and we have always been an extremely close knit family. I just want them to be more mentally mature to understand that things happen and it's not about them. Do you know what I mean? Just because they are older does not guarantee they will be in the perfect place to understand this. Sometimes it's better when they are younger. Bottom line is, don't put your life on hold. If you know you don't love him and don't want to be in the marriage, then divorce. I know you said you can't afford an apartment - see if there is someone you can stay with for now. And at least in most areas (if you are in the US), divorce is no fault which means that you will get half the marital assets and, if appropriate, help with living expenses (alimony) and child support. Good luck - Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Kids are impacted more by the WAY you divorce than the fact of the divorce itself. If you and your H can keep your relationship civil, put the kids' needs before your emotions and help make sure they feel safe, they will be ok. Get a mediator, work on a parenting plan and just shower those kids with love. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Ok, I'm doing okay, but every time I think of him I get like weird chest pains, like a hot flash spreading out through my heart...my IC said that it sounds like anxiety and gave me some breathing exercises to do to detox myself from him. She is teaching me to live my life in the moment and not wonder if he is thinking of me because even if he is, it doesn't change anything. She's right. It's funny how most of the time I'm fine but then out of the blue ill get depressed. I really hopes this gets easier..... Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Your IC is absolutely right in that aspect. Even if he is thinking of you, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is you doing you and moving on. I relate to you in the fact that I am getting some of the anxiety symptoms as well. I saw xMM walking to my car the other day and felt like there was a knife in my chest all of a sudden. I took a few deep breaths, got in my car, and it passed. I'm almost at 3 weeks and it has gotten easier. My moods are a little more steady and I don't cry nearly half as much. I think if I can find a new job, I'll be golden. Hang in there and no matter what, don't set yourself back and break NC. It's probably the worst thing you can do for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts