A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[jm2013]

A couple of days ago I sat my wife down and discussed everything I've spoken about here. I told her I'm not sure about any reconciliation though she's trying really hard. She asked me if I had another woman and I said no which I do not. It is weird how both of our perceptions are so different. As a WS I don't think she realizes what her actions did to me emotionally. She must feel like since her actions are great right now it will erase the past. I went through who I thought she really was as a person.

 

I told her I thought she banged a couple other guys through our relationship and I quote "You really think I'm that type of person?". Well, considering what you did, yes, I do. I was kind of shocked she even said that. The strangest thing though is I am the one who's starting to feel guilty. But why? Is it because she's doing everything right while I'm not able to move past it all? Can a betrayal really be the end all not matter what the present holds? I told my wife I love her but I'm not in love with her. I also told her I thought her and OM were still communicating. She's been leaving her phone with me lots more lately since I said that. That doesn't really matter to me now. If she was still speaking to him it would be from her work which she knows I have no access to.

 

All I can seem to think about lately is my future without her. It's like I'm dead focused on that. She's probably watching me change so much. I'm in a cutting phase of my workouts to get leaned up for summer. I'm also about to launch a new service/product in about a month which I've been extremely excited about. She has been aggressively trying to get involved with my work but I do not want her to. Anyways, the last thing I told her in our conversation was if I can't invest 100% back into her she will crave it. I think it is rather pointless for us to continue if I just can't do it. My emotions haven't really changed from this. She's making me feel bad for her though crying her eyes out. Then I just think about what she did and it lessens the pain of watching her cry. Why am I starting to feel guilty?

 

She told me yesterday she reached out to our pastor. I guess he told her him and his wife would meet with us and talk to us but advised they don't do long term counseling. I don't know what on earth we'd all talk about. I'd ask him if his wife ever cheated on him and as he said no I'd wonder what we are all doing there. He would never be able to relate to the internal feelings of that type of betrayal. It is something only somebody who's been cheated on knows and feels. I personally think it is easier for somebody from the outside who has never experienced infidelity yet to easily tell you to forgive your cheating spouse and move on with your marriage. I don't think they really computer how much internal destruction it causes to the BS.

[oldshirt]

The Titanic only hit one iceberg and then it sunk. It took hours to go completely under but no matter how hard the crew tried to save her and all the passengers, it still went down taking many people with her. The fate of that trip was set the moment it struck the iceberg and nothing done afterwards saved it from going down.

 

Affairs are often the same. Things are set in motion in an instant that can't be undone.

 

That's the risk she took when she got it on with another man.

[TrustedthenBusted]

A couple of days ago I sat my wife down and discussed everything I've spoken about here. I told her I'm not sure about any reconciliation though she's trying really hard. She asked me if I had another woman and I said no which I do not. It is weird how both of our perceptions are so different. As a WS I don't think she realizes what her actions did to me emotionally. She must feel like since her actions are great right now it will erase the past. I went through who I thought she really was as a person.

 

I told her I thought she banged a couple other guys through our relationship and I quote "You really think I'm that type of person?". Well, considering what you did, yes, I do. I was kind of shocked she even said that. The strangest thing though is I am the one who's starting to feel guilty. But why? Is it because she's doing everything right while I'm not able to move past it all? Can a betrayal really be the end all not matter what the present holds? I told my wife I love her but I'm not in love with her. I also told her I thought her and OM were still communicating. She's been leaving her phone with me lots more lately since I said that. That doesn't really matter to me now. If she was still speaking to him it would be from her work which she knows I have no access to.

 

All I can seem to think about lately is my future without her. It's like I'm dead focused on that. She's probably watching me change so much. I'm in a cutting phase of my workouts to get leaned up for summer. I'm also about to launch a new service/product in about a month which I've been extremely excited about. She has been aggressively trying to get involved with my work but I do not want her to. Anyways, the last thing I told her in our conversation was if I can't invest 100% back into her she will crave it. I think it is rather pointless for us to continue if I just can't do it. My emotions haven't really changed from this. She's making me feel bad for her though crying her eyes out. Then I just think about what she did and it lessens the pain of watching her cry. Why am I starting to feel guilty?

 

She told me yesterday she reached out to our pastor. I guess he told her him and his wife would meet with us and talk to us but advised they don't do long term counseling. I don't know what on earth we'd all talk about. I'd ask him if his wife ever cheated on him and as he said no I'd wonder what we are all doing there. He would never be able to relate to the internal feelings of that type of betrayal. It is something only somebody who's been cheated on knows and feels. I personally think it is easier for somebody from the outside who has never experienced infidelity yet to easily tell you to forgive your cheating spouse and move on with your marriage. I don't think they really computer how much internal destruction it causes to the BS.

 

Oh man... I feel for ya buddy. You've described exactly what so many of us have been through and are going through. It's just brutal on the emotions when you love them on Monday, but are still disgusted with them on Tuesday.

 

I bolded a few things that are mirror images of what I'm going through, just so you'd know that you're not alone with these thoughts. As I think you know, I'm 5 years past D-Day and have what most would consider a pretty good reconciliation going.

 

That said, sometimes I still think that all this work we've done to get back to a loving place might just be the best framework for an amicable divorce if that makes any sense. If I left 3 years ago, she'd be dead to me, and not an ideal co-parenting situation.

 

But if I left today, I'd love her deeply, and think we'd communicate very well and honestly and have the kid's best interests in mind. So even in this case, the R would not have been wasted. It would have helped tremendously.

 

I don't recall how far in you are, but if it's not that far, then perhaps set a deadline. Give it a year form D-Day before you make any decisions. Reassess then, and then see if you want to give it another year. Go from there. Because trying to make the decision on a daily basis will eat you inside.

[VeryBrokenMan]

A couple of days ago I sat my wife down and discussed everything I've spoken about here. I told her I'm not sure about any reconciliation though she's trying really hard. She asked me if I had another woman and I said no which I do not. It is weird how both of our perceptions are so different. As a WS I don't think she realizes what her actions did to me emotionally. She must feel like since her actions are great right now it will erase the past. I went through who I thought she really was as a person.

 

I told her I thought she banged a couple other guys through our relationship and I quote "You really think I'm that type of person?". Well, considering what you did, yes, I do. I was kind of shocked she even said that. The strangest thing though is I am the one who's starting to feel guilty. But why? Is it because she's doing everything right while I'm not able to move past it all? Can a betrayal really be the end all not matter what the present holds? I told my wife I love her but I'm not in love with her. I also told her I thought her and OM were still communicating. She's been leaving her phone with me lots more lately since I said that. That doesn't really matter to me now. If she was still speaking to him it would be from her work which she knows I have no access to.

 

All I can seem to think about lately is my future without her. It's like I'm dead focused on that. She's probably watching me change so much. I'm in a cutting phase of my workouts to get leaned up for summer. I'm also about to launch a new service/product in about a month which I've been extremely excited about. She has been aggressively trying to get involved with my work but I do not want her to. Anyways, the last thing I told her in our conversation was if I can't invest 100% back into her she will crave it. I think it is rather pointless for us to continue if I just can't do it. My emotions haven't really changed from this. She's making me feel bad for her though crying her eyes out. Then I just think about what she did and it lessens the pain of watching her cry. Why am I starting to feel guilty?

 

She told me yesterday she reached out to our pastor. I guess he told her him and his wife would meet with us and talk to us but advised they don't do long term counseling. I don't know what on earth we'd all talk about. I'd ask him if his wife ever cheated on him and as he said no I'd wonder what we are all doing there. He would never be able to relate to the internal feelings of that type of betrayal. It is something only somebody who's been cheated on knows and feels. I personally think it is easier for somebody from the outside who has never experienced infidelity yet to easily tell you to forgive your cheating spouse and move on with your marriage. I don't think they really computer how much internal destruction it causes to the BS.

 

Man I feel for you. I could have written this as it describes my situation and feelings exactly and I would not have to change a thing. Except instead of pastor I wanted to ask our IC if she has ever cheated or been cheated on. Unless you've been cheated on you have NO idea or comprehension of the pain it causes. There are no good choices in my view, stay or go it's going to be crappy for a long time.

[Clay]

Man I really feel bad for you today.

 

 

Clay

[TrustedthenBusted]

Except instead of pastor I wanted to ask our IC if she has ever cheated or been cheated on. Unless you've been cheated on you have NO idea or comprehension of the pain it causes.

 

I did the same thing, and had the same reaction when the therapist said No.

 

In fact, I actually asked her how she knew for sure that her husband hadn't ever stepped out in 25 years, and unbelievably she said " I would know. A woman has intuitions about these sorts of things."

 

It was at this point that I realized clairvoyance was apparently going to be part of our therapy, and I was just glad that insurance was paying for it.

[Friskyone4u]

Jim

It appears you do not totally believ she is not communicating with him at work, and that undoubtedly has something to do with what you feel. You can ask her a million times now and you have no real reason to believe she is telling you the truth.

The next time , ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph test. Even if you have no intent on doing it you will see her reaction. If she is not communicating with OM any more she should jump at the chance to put your mind to rest. If you get so either reaction you have your answer.

Stop feeling guilty about anything . This is 100%!on her.

Also, when you tell her your are not sure you can get thru this be careful she does not use that as an excuse to either reconnect with OM . She needs to understand and more importantly believe that any more TT or lies and it is over.

it you think she is talking to him at work, when she next walks in door ask her to sit down in front of you and sign in. If she is confident you have no access she is probably not careful about deleting everything. You should also have a VAR in her car.

You cannotmtrust her over a short time of appearing to do things right. Blindly having faith in that could very we'll get you an unpleasant surprise. Better safe than sorry

[billy baru]

The Titanic only hit one iceberg and then it sunk. It took hours to go completely under but no matter how hard the crew tried to save her and all the passengers, it still went down taking many people with her. The fate of that trip was set the moment it struck the iceberg and nothing done afterwards saved it from going down.

 

Affairs are often the same. Things are set in motion in an instant that can't be undone.

 

That's the risk she took when she got it on with another man.

 

A perfect analogy right there...

 

jm, to me it doesn't sound like she's changed much at all, except for the waterworks... "Do you really think I'm that kind of person"?? I think if she was truly remorseful, it would've been more along the lines of " I can definitely understand how you could perceive me as such a person after what I've done.". Sounds to me like she's trying desperately to rug sweep this entire thing, then expect you to "just get over it" ASAP. Then she can move on with her security at home, and OM waiting for the storm to blow over so they can resume their A.

 

You guys that can attempt to R have my respect.....

[purplesorrow]

I know these feelings very well. It is hard to watch someone trying to redeem themselves and it's just not enough because something in me was so deeply changed. He is remorseful and has worked hard. But I just didn't have much to give to reconciliation. It was blah and he was blah to me. Sorry, it all just stinks.

[aliveagain]

Some of us just think infidelity is a deal breaker and if our spouse is stupid enough to test us on it than their probably going to have a hard time understanding the consequence. The imbalance that infidelity creates can never be undone, you can play tricks on your mind to make yourself accept it so you can live with it but it will always be there lurking somewhere in the back of your mind. Once the conscious decision has been made to cheat you can't go back, you can't unfu*ck yourself and the path of your relationship with your spouse is forever changed regardless if you stay together or divorce. The decision every betrayed spouse has to make is can I endure another sh*t sandwich, you have to accept the infidelity if you want to give them another chance. Infidelity will always be the big white elephant in the room.

 

After being on the receiving end of infidelity several times I choose to have zero tolerance. That is my choice based on my experiences and my partner knows that information going into a relationship with me. Infidelity is the highest form of disrespect a spouse can show you. Accepting it and deciding to work through it is your decision, forgiveness is earned and should never be expected, staying or leaving are both right answers. It all comes down to you, what is best for you? Do not let fear or pressure from your wayward or former wayward spouse influence your decision. It's your turn to be selfish.

[Confused48]

If you want to stop feeling guilty, go to chumplady.com She really puts that to rest. I visit that site whenever I feel a twinge of sorrow for my WS. Some one here on LS recommended it to me for that very purpose.

[Mr. Lucky]

Things are set in motion in an instant that can't be undone.

 

There you go.

 

I always liked this passage from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam:

 

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowlove]

All I can seem to think about lately is my future without her. It's like I'm dead focused on that.

 

I guess I'm wondering what you are waiting for? Why not just pull the plug on the marriage and let her go already?

 

You haven't really seemed to want to work on saving your marriage. I mean, yes, you didn't kick her out, but you are not making any real progress towards forgiving her or being able to. You still don't trust her, so I'm left here wondering why you are still hanging on to her?

 

She is going to cry. She is going to be hurt. Your kids are going to be hurt. Your lives will change forever. Is that the guilt you are feeling? Guilty because you can't make it work? Guilty because you can't get past her infidelity?

 

You are dragging out the inevitable.

 

Did you tell her you were going to keep trying until the summer or do you have a date in mind that you'll finally let her go?

[A.Moscote]

You are being honest with her, telling her all the difficult emotions and perceptions that you have inside you. You don't have to feel guilty, after all that is what it takes to have a real reconciliation, to really reconnect with each other.

 

Keep it on being open and honest. If it doesn't end well, then at least she would not be blinded of the real situation, the way you have been before.

 

Be strong and patient, good luck.

[jm2013]

I guess I'm wondering what you are waiting for? Why not just pull the plug on the marriage and let her go already?

 

You haven't really seemed to want to work on saving your marriage. I mean, yes, you didn't kick her out, but you are not making any real progress towards forgiving her or being able to. You still don't trust her, so I'm left here wondering why you are still hanging on to her?

 

She is going to cry. She is going to be hurt. Your kids are going to be hurt. Your lives will change forever. Is that the guilt you are feeling? Guilty because you can't make it work? Guilty because you can't get past her infidelity?

 

You are dragging out the inevitable.

 

Did you tell her you were going to keep trying until the summer or do you have a date in mind that you'll finally let her go?

 

To be honest it wouldn't be a convenient time for me right now to divorce and go through that process. I have my mind in about a million different things right now than getting tangled up in divorce proceedings. I am working my butt off on some projects that she'll get to enjoy the fruits of anyways. So it is a win win for her. I'm not even sure what I'm really hanging on to. This is one of those true instances where a part of me does love her but also hates her for what she did. It is indeed a weird basket of emotions to say the least. To make this even more weird she seems destine to keep pushing forward even know she knows how I feel.

 

I guess I'm starting to feel like I am going to be the bad guy now if I ask her for a divorce as well. All of our new church friends are probably going to hate me along with the pastors. From an outside view the perception could seem like the divorce was my fault and I wanted it. So I will be the one who will look like I'm abandoning my family to find my own happiness and probably be accused of some hidden affair.

[drifter777]

Oldshirt nailed this. But then many of us have told you the same thing (maybe not as well) in other threads.

 

I am the last person that will tell you to ignore your feelings and just walk away. Your feelings are EVERYTHING by this time in your R. I think you feel guilty because you know the light of love has gone out in you. You see her as a lying cheater and nothing is going to change that. But you might be able to live with her for the families sake anyway. You can still be civil to her - even have sex when the "need" arises. I did it and continue to do it and so can you. Here's the thing; I ran from my true feeling - my true self - for nearly 20 years. I toughed it out to raise my kids and try to make a home for my family. So by the time I faced the truth about how I felt about her and what she did most of my life had passed. Now I've got a 5 year-old to raise and I hope I'm alive when he graduates high school. I will live the vast majority of my life with a women I don't love. But I'm making it work the best I can. I trapped myself and will pay the price.

 

Is this the life you want? If it is or your not sure then just keep doing what your doing.

 

See the pastor and his wife if it makes your WW happy. Even if his wife has cheated with a biker gang he's going to tell you that he forgave and their marriage is stronger for it. Blah, blah, blah. Without being insulting you can tell him you are there out of respect but you choose to live your life as you feel fit.

 

Pretty much all of the threads you've started are saying the same thing. They say "this ain't working and I know I must D but can someone tell me an easy way out?" There isn't one but you do have choices.

[bigman1]

JM,

 

Very rarely are you going to be told that it is okay to divorce. Pastors are going to give you christian principals consistent with their beliefs to apply to your life. That is all well and good, but your pastor clearly understands the limits of their input because they don't do long term therapy.

 

I don't think that it matters whether your pastor has been cheated on or not. That actually is irrelevant, otherwise, one could only go to counselors who have been through the same problem you have. That's just impossible. Still, pastoral counseling has its limits and benefits. Getting counseling from a trained therapist is probably best in your situation. You can still meet with the pastor. Look a it like this, if you get sick, call on the pastor to pray, but still get you self to a medical doctor.

 

Lastly, and I say this often, marriage is not a reward nor is divorce a punishment. Both are results of a process. You get married because you love someone who loves you back and is willing to commit to you, at its simplest level. During marriage, things can change and those things may result in divorce. You can love someone and get divorced. In your case, this may have been a deal breaker. I think that because you can envision your life without her and see it as a good thing then you are at or near a point where you can determine if divorce or marriage is best for you.

 

No counselor should convince you of any course to take. At best, they should point out things that you may not have considered and ask you to delay any action until you have thoroughly considered those matters. If, after all is said and done, you can 't deal with the betrayal, or you don't want to invest more into this, or you just don't want to risk further betrayal by this person, or for any reason that you deem sufficient, then it is time to leave. You might work it out down the road after divorce, but you are not obligated to, not expected to, and really don't have to consider it at all. There is freedom in that.

 

Martin Luther said, "marriage is an institution to be entered into with fear and trembling". I add, it is one to be abandoned only after careful and earnest reflection. You sound like you have done your part.

[jm2013]

For over a year she sat there and thought about what she was doing over and over I'm sure. She tested the waters with another man. The gravest thing you can do to any marriage she did. This "mistake" will come back to haunt her. I desire much better and it is sad and unfortunate she had to take such an uncertain road. Everything about this whole thing has been turning me off completely. Even with the things she did and said from the beginning. Not to mention her family is one big mess. The whole situation is extremely undesirable in its entirety. She messed things up so bad it destroyed lots of things around her. I know she's putting in work and trying but some things just can't be salvaged. I know for a fact I can do much better. I think that's my problem.

 

When we first got together she felt safe. I almost built this thing around her that helped me look past her other issues and I ran on it. Now that she destroyed that I have nothing. I would rather stick to myself and eventually find somebody real in the future.

[jm2013]

I think I actually might align myself with what DKT3 did early on. If I was dating and all I could think about was my WS and how much I loved her then I would probably know that my love for her would trump the infidelity. Maybe he was able to end up in reconciliation because he broke off, dated and found that she was always on his mind. True love. I don't know. I'm just rambling today sorry guys.

[oldshirt]

 

Pretty much all of the threads you've started are saying the same thing. They say "this ain't working and I know I must D but can someone tell me an easy way out?" There isn't one but you do have choices.

 

This pretty much sums this all up^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

You are looking for way out that doesn't have any discomfort, inconvenience, cost, bad feelings and disruption.

 

Sorry, it doesn't work that.

 

All options will carry a cost and have their own set of hardships. The best you can do is decide which will suck the least in the long run, then grit your teeth and do it.

[Buckeye2]

The strangest thing though is I am the one who's starting to feel guilty. But why? Is it because she's doing everything right while I'm not able to move past it all?

 

Your wife is two people. The one you married and the one who cheated on you. Right now you’re making the woman you married cry.

 

I told her I thought she banged a couple other guys through our relationship and I quote "You really think I'm that type of person?" Well, considering what you did, yes, I do.

 

What was her reaction to this?

[BetrayedH]

I guess I'm starting to feel like I am going to be the bad guy now if I ask her for a divorce as well. All of our new church friends are probably going to hate me along with the pastors. From an outside view the perception could seem like the divorce was my fault and I wanted it. So I will be the one who will look like I'm abandoning my family to find my own happiness and probably be accused of some hidden affair.

 

There's a power shift that occurs when you try to reconcile. During the affair, she had all the knowledge and all of the power by keeping you in the dark. You were easentially tricked into staying in a marriage with an unfaithful woman. Now that you know the truth, the power to recover or destroy the marriage is in your hands. She can do all the "heavy lifting" she wants but ultimately you hold the power. So if it fails, it'll seem like your fault, as if it is your choice.

 

Of course, it only seems like power. In reality, you have the choice to eat that sh*t sandwich or put it down. Worse yet, it's not just a sandwich but a whole damn buffet. The sandwiches just keep comin'. Lovely to know that your wife made all them sandwiches for you, ain't it?

 

Is it really your fault (should you feel guilty?) if you decide to walk away from the table?

[Selfish]

There's a power shift that occurs when you try to reconcile. During the affair, she had all the knowledge and all of the power by keeping you in the dark. You were easentially tricked into staying in a marriage with an unfaithful woman. Now that you know the truth, the power to recover or destroy the marriage is in your hands. She can do all the "heavy lifting" she wants but ultimately you hold the power. So if it fails, it'll seem like your fault, as if it is your choice.

 

Of course, it only seems like power. In reality, you have the choice to eat that sh*t sandwich or put it down. Worse yet, it's not just a sandwich but a whole damn buffet. The sandwiches just keep comin'. Lovely to know that your wife made all them sandwiches for you, ain't it?

 

Is it really your fault (should you feel guilty?) if you decide to walk away from the table?

 

So you think that if a BS stays they continue to eat a **** sandwhich despite the fact he has never came up with one single thing is wife has actually done to show she isn't doing the heavy lifting? That is harsh.

 

The OP feels guilty because r is failing because of him. But, there was only a need for R in the first place because of her actions. He has no desire to try or fall in love again. Every single one of his posts show that. So of course there is guilt. Guilt about who he is. The best thing to do is just accept he is not a man who can forgive and D so that both him and his wife can be happy and whole. Two whole parents who are seperated are far better than the unhealthy imbalance in the home now. His unhappiness and her bending over backwards to right her wrongs create an atmosphere no kids should be forced to live in.

 

i do think some people are a little over the top on their need to be "in the worst pain". Infidelity isn't thee "worst" thing you can do to a marriage. It is one of many. It is apart of many vows that are made. To hold one above the other is just cherry picking. Pain is pain and while infidility is terrible staying in victim mode after years have passed does not help anyone.

 

I do think if one spouse breaks any of the vows in a continued and blatant way the other spouse should divorce them. She broke forsaking all others. But I think that is true for a spouse who no longer loves or cherishes their spouse as well. Turns violent or stops showing affection. Lies and squanders away finances. Won't seek help for an addiction. Or is absent.

[Clay]

So you think that if a BS stays they continue to eat a **** sandwhich despite the fact he has never came up with one single thing is wife has actually done to show she isn't doing the heavy lifting? That is harsh.

 

The OP feels guilty because r is failing because of him. But, there was only a need for R in the first place because of her actions. He has no desire to try or fall in love again. Every single one of his posts show that. So of course there is guilt. Guilt about who he is. The best thing to do is just accept he is not a man who can forgive and D so that both him and his wife can be happy and whole. Two whole parents who are seperated are far better than the unhealthy imbalance in the home now. His unhappiness and her bending over backwards to right her wrongs create an atmosphere no kids should be forced to live in.

 

i do think some people are a little over the top on their need to be "in the worst pain". Infidelity isn't thee "worst" thing you can do to a marriage. It is one of many. It is apart of many vows that are made. To hold one above the other is just cherry picking. Pain is pain and while infidility is terrible staying in victim mode after years have passed does not help anyone.

 

I do think if one spouse breaks any of the vows in a continued and blatant way the other spouse should divorce them. She broke forsaking all others. But I think that is true for a spouse who no longer loves or cherishes their spouse as well. Turns violent or stops showing affection. Lies and squanders away finances. Won't seek help for an addiction. Or is absent.

 

I sure wished you would post your story. I would like to know how you know what its like to be a BS.

 

Guilt is from realizing you have lost the love you once had for the woman you thought you were going to share your life with. Its the realization that you don't really have control of any of this and now you not only have to deal with the pain, the lost sleep, the days of not eating you get to know that there might come a day when your child wont be in the same home as you are.

 

You can want to love someone all you want but if the in love part was killed off from the cheating its not something you just get back.

 

She can show all the remorse she wants but it might just be to little to late.

 

I hope he can work through this for the sake of his family but I completely understand if he can't. I tried for years to fall back in love with my xW and do all those wonderful things I used to. It just does not work that way.

 

Clay

[Selfish]

I sure wished you would post your story. I would like to know how you know what its like to be a BS.

 

Guilt is from realizing you have lost the love you once had for the woman you thought you were going to share your life with. Its the realization that you don't really have control of any of this and now you not only have to deal with the pain, the lost sleep, the days of not eating you get to know that there might come a day when your child wont be in the same home as you are.

 

You can want to love someone all you want but if the in love part was killed off from the cheating its not something you just get back.

 

She can show all the remorse she wants but it might just be to little to late.

 

I hope he can work through this for the sake of his family but I completely understand if he can't. I tried for years to fall back in love with my xW and do all those wonderful things I used to. It just does not work that way.

 

Clay

Some people can actually understand and put themselves in other people's shoes. I'm sure there is guilt for a lot of things. I am sure if his wife hadn't been working so hard and had been still cheating and he knw he would feel less guilt.

 

Just because someone feels guilt it doesn't mean what they are doing wrong. Guilt is everywhere and not always something we should pay attention to.

 

I have no reason to post my story. I was cheated on but by a boyfriend and as a teenager. I don't think it in any way compares to a marriage or ltr javing infidelity.

 

I have encouraged him in every post to get serious about ending his misery. Failed r isn't always because the fWS screws it up. Sometimes it is because the damage of the affair is more than the BS can or wants to work past. I even said the reason comes down to the fact his wife cheated. If that hadn't happened first... He wouldn't be here now.