A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[Clay]

Its going to be hard for a while to really sort your feelings out. Don't be to hard on yourself. This is not something that is going to go away. You will probably always carry some of this for the rest of your life. The good thing is that you are starting to look to the future and that really is everything. It means your starting to let go of the past.

 

I think i would just do my best to keep the divorce as amicable as possible. My divorce was really bad so I really do not wish that on anyone.

 

If your really worried about getting her pregnant the best way to avoid that is just not have sex with her at all. I know that might be really hard to do but it might save you a life time of headaches.

 

The other thing I would do get out more. Go find a hobby. Go do things with your kid. Nothing better in life that seeing your child happy and smiling.

 

My kids saved me and made me fight even harder for them. I will always owe them for that.

 

 

Clay

[Rainbowlove]

Hell, I don't even know if this OW has a boyfriend. If she does she hides it well and apparently doesn't really care about him too much. Though that would be a turn off if she did have a boyfriend while relationship building with somebody else..

 

I'm seeing some flags.

 

I think you are using this OW as a distraction. Which, if so, that is your coping mechanism in dismantling your M.

 

Just recognize that's what's going on. She may be awesome and all, but she's serving as an escape to the pain and reality of ending your M and family.

 

That's all she is. Now, if she has a BF, you have a bigger problem. If she does and she's hiding him so well, FLAG!!

 

Jm, bluntly, a woman hiding a BF...I don't think I need to say anymore.

 

I haven't read all of your posts about this OW b/c I just think she's eye candy and something else to focus on, but if you are wondering if she has a BF, you owe it to yourself to find out before you invest anything further.

 

Just looking out for ya

[jm2013]

I'm seeing some flags.

 

I think you are using this OW as a distraction. Which, if so, that is your coping mechanism in dismantling your M.

 

Just recognize that's what's going on. She may be awesome and all, but she's serving as an escape to the pain and reality of ending your M and family.

 

That's all she is. Now, if she has a BF, you have a bigger problem. If she does and she's hiding him so well, FLAG!!

 

Jm, bluntly, a woman hiding a BF...I don't think I need to say anymore.

 

I haven't read all of your posts about this OW b/c I just think she's eye candy and something else to focus on, but if you are wondering if she has a BF, you owe it to yourself to find out before you invest anything further.

 

Just looking out for ya

 

Thanks for the input on that. In all fairness though I had solidified my decision awhile ago pre OW. So really, my actions would be the same as now even if she did not exist. I'm not sure about the BF thing. It has never gotten brought up so I do not have a clue. I am under the impression she does not have a man right now. I don't think it would be fair to say I'm using this OW. She's is too awesome to be used like that. If things were to develop into something more in the future I could see that. Our compatibility is off the charts. I understand the new feeling yada yada yada. But there's just something about her.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for the input on that. In all fairness though I had solidified my decision awhile ago pre OW. So really, my actions would be the same as now even if she did not exist. I'm not sure about the BF thing. It has never gotten brought up so I do not have a clue. I am under the impression she does not have a man right now. I don't think it would be fair to say I'm using this OW. She's is too awesome to be used like that. If things were to develop into something more in the future I could see that. Our compatibility is off the charts. I understand the new feeling yada yada yada. But there's just something about her.

 

Fair enough. All the best to you.

[oldshirt]

But doesn't this mean that cake-eating was their plan A? If a WS decides to end the affair and confess, that helps convince a BS that they have become plan A again. I think that's why reconciliation is more likely to work when confessed rather than when busted. Anyway, when the cake-eater is busted I think one of the many aspects that torture the BS is a the feeling that they are, indeed, plan B. I think that feeling, whether true or not, will last a long time and even be permanent for some BS's. This is why lots of BS's feel as though they settled for less in that they know they are plan B but are accepting it for whatever reason.

 

Good post. Lots of truth in that.

 

If someone wakes up with a screaming hangover after a drunken ONS saying, "OMG, what have I done?" That's bad enough and may or may not be recoverable. But any time someone goes back for seconds at all, it either means the AP is plan A, or an unauthorized non monogamous lifestyle is the choice.

 

Either way, a monogamous life with the BS is not in the game plan.

 

Many reconciliations are an attempt to not lose the house and daily contact with kids and not lose the money and lifestyle. It is not about actually wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with the BS.

 

That leaves the BS with few options. Their options are -

 

-do nothing and continue being cheated on and played as a fool.

 

- capitulate and accept it with foreknowledge to keep the house and be a cuckhold as a male or a harem girl as woman.

 

- enter into a true open marriage arrangement with both parties seeing other people (which rarely works for husbands. Men will line up to bang a woman in an open marriage. Women run faster than the wind from a married man that has his wife's blessing to seek poon on the side. It's easier for a man to cheat than to be in an open marriage. That's why there's more cheaters than guys in open marriages).

 

But if the BS wants to have a traditional marriage and be with someone exclusively as a free-will choice of both people, that pretty much just leaves divorcing and moving on.

[oldshirt]

Let me pose it to you this way, Drifter.

 

I'm going to guess that you might enjoy the affection of two women if you could have it. Heck, I might enjoy having a different woman each day of the week. If you have any desires like that, then your wife could just as reasonably argue that you have settled for her. Should she feel dejected because she's your Plan B?

 

 

I see where you are coming from but what you are talking about above is the choice we make when we chose to marry.

 

We all start out as free and single people able to date and screw around as much as we want (assuming a culture where people pick their own mates and not arranged marriages).

 

When we marry we are consciously choosing to waive our right of promiscuity and multi-dating and choosing a legally binding exclusive relationship with our spouse.

 

(Couples can also choose to have a mutually consensual open marriage or swinging etc, but let's keep it simple)

 

 

Otherwise by what you are saying, people should dejected and like a plan B if our spouse is marrying us when deep down they want to be with lots of people. I just don't think that is the case. I think people that do choose to keep their options open and be with lots of different people are free to do so and simply do not marry.

 

It's a whole other ball of wax when someone enters into an exclusive marriage agreement and then slips out the back door to get extra on the side without their spouses foreknowledge and consent.

 

That is actively choosing to cake-eat through fraud and deception in order to keep the house and finances and lifestyle.

[ladydesigner]

Good post. Lots of truth in that.

 

If someone wakes up with a screaming hangover after a drunken ONS saying, "OMG, what have I done?" That's bad enough and may or may not be recoverable. But any time someone goes back for seconds at all, it either means the AP is plan A, or an unauthorized non monogamous lifestyle is the choice.

 

Either way, a monogamous life with the BS is not in the game plan.

 

Many reconciliations are an attempt to not lose the house and daily contact with kids and not lose the money and lifestyle. It is not about actually wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with the BS.

 

That leaves the BS with few options. Their options are -

 

-do nothing and continue being cheated on and played as a fool.

 

- capitulate and accept it with foreknowledge to keep the house and be a cuckhold as a male or a harem girl as woman.

 

- enter into a true open marriage arrangement with both parties seeing other people (which rarely works for husbands. Men will line up to bang a woman in an open marriage. Women run faster than the wind from a married man that has his wife's blessing to seek poon on the side. It's easier for a man to cheat than to be in an open marriage. That's why there's more cheaters than guys in open marriages).

 

But if the BS wants to have a traditional marriage and be with someone exclusively as a free-will choice of both people, that pretty much just leaves divorcing and moving on.

 

I am in a tentative R right now with WS and he has screwed up many times. The bold I could easily say for myself just switch the BS for WS so it reads

 

"Many reconciliations are an attempt to not lose the house and daily contact with kids and not lose the money and lifestyle. It is not about actually wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with the WS."

[jm2013]

I think oldshirt hit it head on. When I tried to reconcile it was for all of the wrong reasons. Reconciling for my house or kids will extend my misery for years to come. This is why I was juggling it all back and forth. This is why reconciliation isn't for me. Even if my wife said we could have an open marriage I don't think I'd be into it. There isn't that many women who I'd be able to take home and screw casually under those circumstances. Nothing like bringing back another person and introducing them to your spouse and taking them into the bedroom to bang.

[oldshirt]

....and getting back the topic of JM, people don't fall in love and build a home and family and life together in a day. Neither do they fall out of love and disengage from the home and family and all of the life they built in a day either.

 

A marriage is built over time and it is dissolved over time as well.

 

I'll go back to my Titanic analogy on page #1, the ships fate was determined in an instant but it took hours to actually sink.

 

The fate of this marriage had been determined - it's just taking time to dissolve and it is happening in stages and not in one blaze of glory.

 

The captain of this ship has assessed the situation and is about to order the ship abandoned. I think where we are at now is the captain is trying to decide if this is enough of an emergency to where people need to be ordered into their life preservers and herded into the lifeboats and paddle away as fast as they can so they don't get sucked to the bottom of the sea with the sinking ship -

 

- or whether the ship can be limped to the nearest dock and everyone can get unloaded off the ship and onto another ship to continue their journey on another ship in a smooth and orderly fashion.

 

Either way, this ship is going down.

[oldshirt]

I am in a tentative R right now with WS and he has screwed up many times. The bold I could easily say for myself just switch the BS for WS so it reads

 

"Many reconciliations are an attempt to not lose the house and daily contact with kids and not lose the money and lifestyle. It is not about actually wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with the WS."

 

I would agree with you on that note as well. Very much so in fact.

 

And that also places an additional burden on the WS as well.

 

I think a lot of WS go through kind of a period of "Hysterical Damage Control" where they throw everything at trying to keep from losing the house.

 

After awhile they have to set back and ask themselves if they really want to be a default setting of the BS as well. I imagine there are a number of WS's that realize the BS is just trying to keep the house and doesn't really have any particular love for them either.

 

I'm sure there are number of WS's that throw in the towel too and I can't say I blame them for that. I blame them for the initial cheating, but I don't blame them for throwing in the towel once they realize the BS is just trying to keep the house and marking time untill the kids are older.

[oldshirt]

I would agree with you on that note as well. Very much so in fact.

 

And that also places an additional burden on the WS as well.

 

I think a lot of WS go through kind of a period of "Hysterical Damage Control" where they throw everything at trying to keep from losing the house.

 

After awhile they have to set back and ask themselves if they really want to be a default setting of the BS as well. I imagine there are a number of WS's that realize the BS is just trying to keep the house and doesn't really have any particular love for them either.

 

I'm sure there are number of WS's that throw in the towel too and I can't say I blame them for that. I blame them for the initial cheating, but I don't blame them for throwing in the towel once they realize the BS is just trying to keep the house and marking time untill the kids are older.

 

 

So to tie this into this thread and this situation, I would not blame Mrs JM for throwing in the towel once she realizes he has essentially declared the marriage dead and is just keeping her around to drain his tank in the middle of the night and to get his future plans all arranged and to get his relationship with this other gal up and running.

 

Her A was wrong, but she'd be perfectly in her right to pack her bags and walk right now as well.

 

Just because the ship is sinking because she ran it into an iceberg doesn't mean she has to go to the bottom of the sea with it. She has the right of self-preservation as well.

[jm2013]

....and getting back the topic of JM, people don't fall in love and build a home and family and life together in a day. Neither do they fall out of love and disengage from the home and family and all of the life they built in a day either.

 

A marriage is built over time and it is dissolved over time as well.

 

I'll go back to my Titanic analogy on page #1, the ships fate was determined in an instant but it took hours to actually sink.

 

The fate of this marriage had been determined - it's just taking time to dissolve and it is happening in stages and not in one blaze of glory.

 

The captain of this ship has assessed the situation and is about to order the ship abandoned. I think where we are at now is the captain is trying to decide if this is enough of an emergency to where people need to be ordered into their life preservers and herded into the lifeboats and paddle away as fast as they can so they don't get sucked to the bottom of the sea with the sinking ship -

 

- or whether the ship can be limped to the nearest dock and everyone can get unloaded off the ship and onto another ship to continue their journey on another ship in a smooth and orderly fashion.

 

Either way, this ship is going down.

 

Yeah it is. My wife doesn't want to believe it either. She completely ignores everything I tell her. It is very weird. You'd think by now she would have also taken the hint by my own actions. This is also how I solidified my feelings over the course of the last year or so. I remember feeling like I was in a state of limbo trying to force myself to do something I really did not want to do. It was wearing. Like you said, most of the time it takes a little time to end it. I want this to end good for both of us and not turn into a hot mess. She needs to accept what is happening. These were the risks she took and was comfortable with so she will need to plan her own life now.

[jm2013]

So to tie this into this thread and this situation, I would not blame Mrs JM for throwing in the towel once she realizes he has essentially declared the marriage dead and is just keeping her around to drain his tank in the middle of the night and to get his future plans all arranged and to get his relationship with this other gal up and running.

 

Her A was wrong, but she'd be perfectly in her right to pack her bags and walk right now as well.

 

Just because the ship is sinking because she ran it into an iceberg doesn't mean she has to go to the bottom of the sea with it. She has the right of self-preservation as well.

 

If she left willingly I wouldn't mind one bit. She does not carry this logic though. I think she is going to fight the divorce and I don't even know why. I am empty feeling toward her. I really hope she just comes to the point of understanding our marriage really is dead and there's no hope for it. I've got a weird feeling she'll be back with her OM anyways. I'd almost put some money on it. I'll get to sit back and watch that train wreck happen.

[Confused48]

Good post.

Either way, a monogamous life with the BS is not in the game plan.

 

Maybe, maybe not. I think your list is missing one, unsavory, but possible option.

 

Many reconciliations are an attempt to not lose the house and daily contact with kids and not lose the money and lifestyle. It is not about actually wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with the BS.

 

That leaves the BS with few options. Their options are -

 

-do nothing and continue being cheated on and played as a fool.

 

- capitulate and accept it with foreknowledge to keep the house and be a cuckhold as a male or a harem girl as woman.

 

- enter into a true open marriage arrangement with both parties seeing other people (which rarely works for husbands. Men will line up to bang a woman in an open marriage. Women run faster than the wind from a married man that has his wife's blessing to seek poon on the side. It's easier for a man to cheat than to be in an open marriage. That's why there's more cheaters than guys in open marriages).

 

But if the BS wants to have a traditional marriage and be with someone exclusively as a free-will choice of both people, that pretty much just leaves divorcing and moving on.

 

The BS and WS can and sometime do choose to stay together, despite being plan B to each other. As LadyD pointed out it can be either one that thinks this way and certainly both.

 

Sure there are huge trust issues in this scenario but I don't think it is impossible that, as each other's plan B, a former WS and BS can have a monogamous relationship. In fact once the cheating tendency has been exposed it can be treated and guarded against. I think monogamy can be achieved even as plan B partners.

[oldshirt]

If she left willingly I wouldn't mind one bit. She does not carry this logic though. I think she is going to fight the divorce and I don't even know why. I am empty feeling toward her. I really hope she just comes to the point of understanding our marriage really is dead and there's no hope for it. I've got a weird feeling she'll be back with her OM anyways. I'd almost put some money on it. I'll get to sit back and watch that train wreck happen.

 

I think she is doing Hysterical Damage Control ( My term, I haven't seen it used before but maybe it has) .....with the key word being "hysterical". It's not based on logic but rather a desperate attempt to restore order and save face.

 

There is a possibility that one day she will wake up and realize all is lost. At that point she may calmly tell you to hand over the papers and she'll sign them and move on without a fuss. It is possible and people do exactly that now and then.

 

However it's not happening now and the concern is any time someone is 'hysterical' or 'desperate' etc, they are very dangerous and unpredictable.

 

I do think your concerns of her using pregnancy to influence this situation is very founded and it is very well documented that it happens quite a bit.

 

A man has to be completely in charge of his sperm in order to be in charge of his life and destiny.

 

Mother Nature just wants people to always have one more baby in case the next drought/famine/plague kills off the ones they have. Some species of animals experience a decrease in fertility during times of stress. Humans are like coyotes in that their fertility actually increases ( Mother Nature wants people to crap out more babies before the famine kills everyone off).

 

This is also well documented such as spikes in birth rates after stressful events like blizzards, earthquakes, war battles etc. the classic example is Britain during the blitz. There was a lot of extra activities going on in the subways and bomb shelters etc.

 

But any way I digress. My point is, people always want to go out with a bang and it is well documented that couples splitting up often get pregnant. Some men would have no problem turning their back on a STBX and a baby and walking away. I don't get the feeling you are one of those men.

 

Protect your sperm. Controlling your sperm and your fertility is tantamount to controlling your destiny and controlling your own life. Don't let anyone that you don't want to be attached to have any access to your sperm.

[oldshirt]

Some questions and comments in bold below.

 

 

 

Good post.

 

Maybe, maybe not. I think your list is missing one, unsavory, but possible option.

 

what is that unsavory option?

 

The BS and WS can and sometime do choose to stay together, despite being plan B to each other. As LadyD pointed out it can be either one that thinks this way and certainly both.

 

Sure there are huge trust issues in this scenario but I don't think it is impossible that, as each other's plan B, a former WS and BS can have a monogamous relationship. In fact once the cheating tendency has been exposed it can be treated and guarded against. I think monogamy can be achieved even as plan B partners

 

 

sure, people can choose to live with all sorts of painful and miserable things. Accepting misery and despair is always an option. People can choose to live with hemmoroids but they're a pain in the @$$ and best delt with by getting rid of them.

 

 

.

[jm2013]

You're right. Admittedly, I've been looking at her birth control pill package to see if she stopped taking them. I know she can toss them in the garbage but I think she's really taking them still as of now. I know she will tempt me with her body and I'll have to fend it off in my own best interests. You're right. That is truly the only way I'm protecting myself here in this situation. I'll just stick to rosy for now.

[Selfish]

unwanted pregnancy should not be the reason you stop using your wife as c*m dumpster. Divorce should be the reason. Jack off, it's the healthier thing to do. Having sex with your stbxw sends the wrong message. So all your complaining about her not accepting the marriage is over. Well whenever you engage in sex no matter how soulless it is sends her the message there is hope.

 

I'm glad you are making plans and progress. Have you served your wife yet? That imo is the biggest thing you need to do. And talk to your wife about when you will be telling your daughter. Whether your wife wants to discuss it or not, you being like "when is a good time for you and I to sit down with dd and let her know we are getting a divorce?"

 

I would also suggest you get your daughter to a really good child therapist. So some shopping. So many people wait until they notice issues. It is better to be proactive in that regard. Plus your daughter will feel safe with a therapist faster if it doesn't come after a long time of surpressing emotions.

[jm2013]

unwanted pregnancy should not be the reason you stop using your wife as c*m dumpster. Divorce should be the reason. Jack off, it's the healthier thing to do. Having sex with your stbxw sends the wrong message. So all your complaining about her not accepting the marriage is over. Well whenever you engage in sex no matter how soulless it is sends her the message there is hope.

 

I'm glad you are making plans and progress. Have you served your wife yet? That imo is the biggest thing you need to do. And talk to your wife about when you will be telling your daughter. Whether your wife wants to discuss it or not, you being like "when is a good time for you and I to sit down with dd and let her know we are getting a divorce?"

 

I would also suggest you get your daughter to a really good child therapist. So some shopping. So many people wait until they notice issues. It is better to be proactive in that regard. Plus your daughter will feel safe with a therapist faster if it doesn't come after a long time of surpressing emotions.

 

Yeah you're right. I like sex so I have trouble in those areas. No, I have not gotten her served yet. I'm getting things ready to drop 3k on a lawyer. If I can get her on board with a clean divorce perhaps we can both split the same lawyer or find a way to divorce a lot cheaper. She's already cost me a lot of money.

[Selfish]

Yeah you're right. I like sex so I have trouble in those areas. No, I have not gotten her served yet. I'm getting things ready to drop 3k on a lawyer. If I can get her on board with a clean divorce perhaps we can both split the same lawyer or find a way to divorce a lot cheaper. She's already cost me a lot of money.

 

I'm not sure how divorce works in your area but where I live a mediator can be hired and everything can be done with minimal legal fees. It cost friends of mine $400 to divorce when it was done. I realize this would take your wife facing the fact the marriage is over and accepting she has no one to blame but herself. But who knows. Maybe you can get her to sit down and discuss this.

 

But no sex man! You're stronger than that!

[BetrayedH]

I see where you are coming from but what you are talking about above is the choice we make when we chose to marry.

 

We all start out as free and single people able to date and screw around as much as we want (assuming a culture where people pick their own mates and not arranged marriages).

 

When we marry we are consciously choosing to waive our right of promiscuity and multi-dating and choosing a legally binding exclusive relationship with our spouse.

 

(Couples can also choose to have a mutually consensual open marriage or swinging etc, but let's keep it simple)

 

 

Otherwise by what you are saying, people should dejected and like a plan B if our spouse is marrying us when deep down they want to be with lots of people. I just don't think that is the case. I think people that do choose to keep their options open and be with lots of different people are free to do so and simply do not marry.

 

It's a whole other ball of wax when someone enters into an exclusive marriage agreement and then slips out the back door to get extra on the side without their spouses foreknowledge and consent.

 

That is actively choosing to cake-eat through fraud and deception in order to keep the house and finances and lifestyle.

 

Meh. I hear all that and don't disagree. I think we're just talking passed one another.

 

I think to some extent, we're all settling when we marry. We'd all like to have it all: lots or sexual variety AND a steady, loving companion (and a Lamborghini, etc). That would be Plan A for a lot of people. But of course, we have to get real. There's not a lot of people out there willing to be that steady, loving companion while letting us play the field. So in effect, we settle for Plan B: a loving, steady companion within the confines of an exclusivity agreement.

 

The problem with cheaters is that they try to cheat the system and revert back to their Plan A while keeping all the benefits of Plan B. Not cool. Very offensive to the person being kept loyal to their exclusivity agreement while the other person plays single.

 

Either way, my value as the betrayed spouse doesn't change whether the wayward tries to revert to Plan A or not. I have no angst over being Plan B to an unrealistic fantasy Plan A.

 

I suppose I should also include a disclaimer that there are certainly some people that don't feel that they settled at all when they married their spouse and that they feel perfectly complete without the need for anything or anyone more. I respect that but I think if most people are really being honest, if there weren't constrained at all by social norms or jealous mates, they'd probably be happy to have the affections of multiple people.

[jm2013]

I'm not sure how divorce works in your area but where I live a mediator can be hired and everything can be done with minimal legal fees. It cost friends of mine $400 to divorce when it was done. I realize this would take your wife facing the fact the marriage is over and accepting she has no one to blame but herself. But who knows. Maybe you can get her to sit down and discuss this.

 

But no sex man! You're stronger than that!

 

Are you in the US? $400 is cheap. When I got a divorce lawyer a year ago I gave him like $1500 up and owed another $1500 for a dissolution. Yeah I know right. I didn't make the wisest decisions even before I met my wife. It's hard when you have women tossing themselves at you to just turn it down and pay the bathroom a visit. Though the latter would probably be a lot more relieving.

[oldshirt]

Yeah you're right. I like sex so I have trouble in those areas. No, I have not gotten her served yet. I'm getting things ready to drop 3k on a lawyer. If I can get her on board with a clean divorce perhaps we can both split the same lawyer or find a way to divorce a lot cheaper. She's already cost me a lot of money.

 

STOP!!! Do NOT use the same lawyer under any circumstances!! you need a lawyer that advocates for your interests solely. Don't try to be pennywise and dollar foolish.

 

 

And you are also going to have to eventually accept that you do not need to have her approval and buy-in on this. Yes, it would be ideal if both of you can be on exactly the same page and agree on everything and everyone dance in a circle at the beach singing Aquarious and Kumbaya at the end of the day but we need to keep our feet on Planet Earth here.

 

She's not going to agree to some of the things you want and you aren't going to agree to some of the things she wants.

 

You each need your own lawyers and you each need someone in your own corner watching your back and not playing both of you.

 

Marriage and divorce have some very striking similarities. They both cost money, they are both time and energy consuming and they both require a full commitment. You can't pussyfoot either one. In order to survive You have to be either all-in or all-out.

 

This is sht or get off the pot time. You either commit yourself to reconciliation or you commit yourself to breaking away and moving on. This is where Morgan Freeman tells you to get busy living or get busy dying.

[Selfish]

Are you in the US? $400 is cheap. When I got a divorce lawyer a year ago I gave him like $1500 up and owed another $1500 for a dissolution. Yeah I know right. I didn't make the wisest decisions even before I met my wife. It's hard when you have women tossing themselves at you to just turn it down and pay the bathroom a visit. Though the latter would probably be a lot more relieving.

 

The need for a shower wouldn't be so strong after. listen thanks for not being upset with my posts. I know a lot of people dislike me on here or think my opinion is worthless because I once was a terrible person. I do really want you to be happy. And no I don't live in the US. I would google some info on divorce laws in your area though and see how much you actually need a lawyer for when you are settling out of court. If your wife is going to be peaceable about It. That's the hard part.

[Selfish]

STOP!!! Do NOT use the same lawyer under any circumstances!! you need a lawyer that advocates for your interests solely. Don't try to be pennywise and dollar foolish.

 

 

And you are also going to have to eventually accept that you do not need to have her approval and buy-in on this. Yes, it would be ideal if both of you can be on exactly the same page and agree on everything and everyone dance in a circle at the beach singing Aquarious and Kumbaya at the end of the day but we need to keep our feet on Planet Earth here.

 

She's not going to agree to some of the things you want and you aren't going to agree to some of the things she wants.

 

You each need your own lawyers and you each need someone in your own corner watching your back and not playing both of you.

 

Marriage and divorce have some very striking similarities. They both cost money, they are both time and energy consuming and they both require a full commitment. You can't pussyfoot either one. In order to survive You have to be either all-in or all-out.

 

This is sht or get off the pot time. You either commit yourself to reconciliation or you commit yourself to breaking away and moving on. This is where Morgan Freeman tells you to get busy living or get busy dying.

 

If jm feels like him and his wife have come to an amicable agreement on who gets what and custody, I don't think he needs to play hardball. But I agree with this if she does. I know lots if people who divorced without it costinf a fortune. More than the $400 people. And I so know people who had to battle it out in court. Guess who has the better coparenting relationship?