Cousin crossed the line with my mom...

[bohica]

Hi

 

I am hoping for some advise on a current family matter. I am trying to refrain from 'reacting' instead of 'responding' to it. Frankly, I am not so sure I should get involved at all but I feel a need to stick up for my mother.

 

The story is long so I will spare all the ugly yet typical family b.s.

 

I have a cousin who 10 yrs ago openly spoke very poorly about my mother and claimed she didn't consider her, myself or my brothers real family. I stayed out of it. I kept my mouth shut.

 

Sadly, we had a death in the family this week and all this bad stuff come back up to the surface. Again, I guess very typical. Once again, very openly in a mass email she spoke poorly about my mother. However, this time it was very aggressive with the use of very poor language calling my mother a bitch, and to go f off. There was quite a bit of other accusations and foul rude language that only showed off her illiteracy, lack of intelligence and lack of information. It was so damn rude, filthy and very hurtful. This is my mother she is talking about. My mom is very upset and hurt.

 

I am trying so hard to let this roll over my shoulder and not respond. I am on a path to find peace in my life. I am a 46 yr old guy who has had some personal struggles. One side wants to spit back in complete anger, another side wants to respond intelligently both of which I am more then capable of. Yet another side wants to just be there for my mom and not say anything.

 

In a matter of hours it has become a personal struggle between what I call my mystic and my warrior.

 

Thoughts on this? Should I say something or not?

 

The Mystic and the Warrior

Edited January 15, 2015 by bohica

[anika99]

I'm torn. On the one hand I totally empathize with you wanting to fire back an angry response defending your mother. On the other hand, given the vehemence and foul language your cousin used to attack your mother it is doubtful that she will listen to reason. As a matter of fact she sounds like someone who would welcome the drama and see it as an opportunity to launch even more verbal attacks. Sometimes the best way to deal with someone like her to just act like they don't even exist. People like her are looking for a fight and they enjoy the drama so treating her like she is invisible will drive her nuts. You say she was foul mouthed and her email showcased her lack of intelligence. Let that speak for itself. Any intelligent person reading her message can probably see the same thing and they wouldn't actually take her seriously. Whenever I see someone launching a public attack against someone when they should be taking up their issues with that person in private I pretty much write them off as being someone I would rather not be involved with.

[bohica]

Thanks!

 

Any other opinions out there? What would you do if it were your mother?

[Satu]

Thanks!

 

Any other opinions out there? What would you do if it were your mother?

 

I'd be angry, but I think it would be best to just ignore this person.

 

If you get dragged into a back and forth thing, it will make her think that she's getting a result, and encourage her.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss of a family member.

. Once again, very openly in a mass email she spoke poorly about my mother. However, this time it was very aggressive with the use of very poor language calling my mother a bitch, and to go f off. There was quite a bit of other accusations and foul rude language that only showed off her illiteracy, lack of intelligence and lack of information. It was so damn rude, filthy and very hurtful. This is my mother she is talking about. My mom is very upset and hurt.

I'm sure the others who were included in that mass email thought the cousin was rude, cruel and think even less of her now. Did anybody in that group email reply and say something?

 

Talk to your brother and maybe the two of you could go talk to the cousin and her to stop saying such awful things about your mom.

 

Ignoring is one thing but this incident isn't the first and your mom is deeply hurt by what the cousin said. If it were me, I'm not sure I could ignore it, not say anything and live with myself.

[bohica]

Sorry for your loss of a family member.

 

Talk to your brother and maybe the two of you could go talk to the cousin and her to stop saying such awful things about your mom.

 

.

 

Thank you.

 

My brother actually did send her a response. He is someone who takes pride is his writing skills and likes to flex his intellectual muscle. That being said his response was a calm and intellectual one. She responded to him by attacking him in a nasty way by using something in his past as ammunition.

 

I wrote a response. It's rather long but not angry at all. It's just a matter of pressing send. I don't know. It's all drama I want nothing to do with but this was bad and not the first time. If it were a guy I'd want to kick his head in.

[hoping2heal]

I guess the other side of the story would be important.

 

I am not trying to say your Mother deserves it, but most people don't just go off on a tyrade like that. So, there is clearly a reason why your cousin made those comments all of those years ago, and a reason why she would call your mom a B-tch and tell her to go F-off.

 

So, what happened?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you.

 

My brother actually did send her a response. He is someone who takes pride is his writing skills and likes to flex his intellectual muscle. That being said his response was a calm and intellectual one. She responded to him by attacking him in a nasty way by using something in his past as ammunition.

 

I wrote a response. It's rather long but not angry at all. It's just a matter of pressing send. I don't know. It's all drama I want nothing to do with but this was bad and not the first time. If it were a guy I'd want to kick his head in.

 

Okay so you both sent an email to put her in her place (not that it worked, but still, one can't sit idle and not say anything when she's based your mom) , you both need to block her email address so you won't read her drivel anymore and get upset.

[bohica]

I guess the other side of the story would be important.

 

So, what happened?

 

I am not so sure it's relevant. Number one because it's a matter that doesn't involve her and number two the situation doesn't call for the out right vicious nasty, mean, language and behavior towards my mother.

 

Not sure all the details are important. Basically, She feels her father was slighted in a death settlement my mom and her other brother were awarded.

 

 

And just as a side note: When the cousin found out her sister died she didn't even come to town to visit her father who 70 and is alone caring for his severely autistic grandson.

Edited January 15, 2015 by bohica

[bohica]

Okay so you both sent an email to put her in her place (not that it worked, but still, one can't sit idle and not say anything when she's based your mom) , you both need to block her email address so you won't read her drivel anymore and get upset.

 

 

I haven't sent anything. Yet.

 

My older brother just says he doesn't want to be involved. He won't even call my mom about it. He thinks even just consoling her and listening is getting involved..........I guess that's a whole different thread....my older brother.

[hoping2heal]

I am not so sure it's relevant. Number one because it's a matter that doesn't involve her and number two the situation doesn't call for the out right vicious nasty, mean, language and behavior towards my mother.

 

Not sure all the details are important. Basically, She feels her father was slighted in a death settlement my mom and her other brother were awarded.

 

 

And just as a side note: When the cousin found out her sister died she didn't even come to town to visit her father who 70 and is alone caring for his severely autistic grandson.

 

Well, it is relevant enough if it is provoking this kind of a response from your cousin. What happened with the death settlement? Was your mother and her brother directly involved? E.g. personally had a hand in how the settlement award was dealt out?

[bohica]

Well, it is relevant enough if it is provoking this kind of a response from your cousin. What happened with the death settlement? Was your mother and her brother directly involved? E.g. personally had a hand in how the settlement award was dealt out?

 

No, they did not. The settlement was property.

In spite of my cousins personal feelings it hasn't to do directly with her and she has no right to speak the way she did about my mother.

Edited January 16, 2015 by bohica

[amaysngrace]

Families turn on each other when it comes to inheritance sometimes.

 

If your cousin's parent got screwed over by your mom it does involve her since she would have benefitted from the inheritance as well.

[anika99]

Families turn on each other when it comes to inheritance sometimes.

 

If your cousin's parent got screwed over by your mom it does involve her since she would have benefitted from the inheritance as well.

 

 

She already said that her mom had nothing to do with the settlement. It was a decision made by the relative who is now dead. How is that the poster's mother's responsibility? The dead relative obviously felt the poster's mom was more deserving of the property than the cousin's father. Not surprising as the cousin sounds like a really nasty person and the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

 

There is something just really disgusting about a family fighting over a dead relatives property and money. I know it happens all the time, but to me it's just ugly and nasty. My mom used to have a boyfriend who absolutely hated his sister with a passion, because when her parents died she got almost everything. The reason for that was because his sister sacrificed a lot of her adult life living staying close to her parents and taking care of their needs, while her brother had no use for his parents, couldn't care less about them when they were alive and made his disdain for them known to all. However, when they died he is was right there expecting to get exactly what his sister got and when he didn't he turned on her. Thought she should do the "right thing" and give him half. Why? She carried the burden of caring for her parents with no help from him. He never cared about her while she was the one who was worn out and frazzled from all of the responsibility resting on her shoulders.

 

 

I'm not saying it's okay for parents to play favorites between their children. I will be leaving my children equal amounts when I pass even though I know for a fact that one of my children loves me more than the other. Also I want my kids to continue a relationship with one another after I die so I won't be doing anything to cause this kind of situation. However it is up to the person who is dying as to who gets what and everyone needs to just suck it up whether they like it or not.

[elaine567]

Deaths in families often provoke bad reactions, firstly because a person has died and emotions are raw. Even deaths of non close family members can provoke thoughts about mortality and an "end of an era" way of thinking.

It stirs people up emotionally and also puts them in closer contact with famliy members they may rarely see normally. It is often a powder keg situation.

 

Your cousin is obviously still hurting perhaps from this death, but definitely from past arguments and perceived slights and is using this opportunity to take pot shots at your mother.

As you brother has already flexed his intellectual muscle and defended your mother and got nowhere, then if were you, I wouldn't bother.

However speak to your mother about your unsent email, if she wants you to speak to the cousin and defend the family honour, or if there is anything pertinent you can add to your brothers email then yes go ahead, but otherwise no.