Did she cheat or didn’t she cheat?

[Not_Mike]

I’m going to leave out a lot of information, to make it short. We are in our 30’s. We met and started spending every second together. About a week later, we had “couples” photos on facebook. Everything was going great. It had been about a month when we had a fight. She thought I was dating other women. In hindsight, it really looked like I was. I promised her I was not. She told me she was hurt and mad, thinking I was dating other women. My photo was gone from her facebook. I sat her down and told her that she is the only woman I wanted. I had not been with anyone else. I’m sorry if that is what she thought. She said she cried several nights, thinking I might be with someone else. This lasted about a week, then we again started spending every second together. About three months into our relationship; I made a comment about how it had been well over a year, that I had been with anyone but her. And it felt great to be this happy. She said it had been two months for her. And she loved every day she was with me. My stomach got instantly sick. I said two months? She said yes, she had a “sex buddy” before we met. They would meet for sex about once a week. She said after we got together, she stopped responding to his texts and calls. She didn’t want to be with him anymore. She only wanted to be with me. But when she thought I was dating other women, she answered one of his texts. They met after work for a quickie. I was really pissed. She said it was not cheating. That she would never cheat on me. That she only did it because she thought I was with other women. It was really hard the next few months. But we ended up getting married, and have been in love for over three years. I love her so much. I know positively that she has had zero interaction with him. And I know positively that she has not even tried to contact him. So why do I think about her with him every single day? Why can’t I let it go? How do I let it go?

[Not_Mike]

I thought after a year I would be over it, and I wasn't. I thought after we got married I would be over it, and I wasn't. I thought after a year of marriage I would be over it, and I'm not.

 

 

I have posted this on other forums. And most people say it wasn't cheating. We were just dating. And I agree with that. And I should really not have a problem with it. But for some reason I do. Especially during sex. I picture them having sex, in my mind. It drives me crazy. I wish she never told me.

[veggirl]

I'd have dumped someone who was sleeping with another person after dating ME for a MONTH. That's just gross. I wouldn't have forgiven in tbh, and I guess deep down you don't either because it still bothers you. at this point though, you're MARRIED and it was years ago so time to force yourself to forget it, if it pops into mind force yourself to get distracted and think about something else, I guess!

[Not_Mike]

I'd have dumped someone who was sleeping with another person after dating ME for a MONTH. That's just gross. I wouldn't have forgiven in tbh, and I guess deep down you don't either because it still bothers you. at this point though, you're MARRIED and it was years ago so time to force yourself to forget it, if it pops into mind force yourself to get distracted and think about something else, I guess!

 

 

Thats exactly what I do. I try to focus on something else, to push the thought out. I thought it would just go away over time. That I would just forget it happened. I really just want to forget it. It was so long ago. I used to look at his facebook page all the time. I made a New Years Resolution to stop going to it. I have not looked at it this year. I hope that helps.

[lolablue17]

Are you jealous or not jealous? That is the question.

 

If she used to have sex with him until 3 month instead of 2 month, why then wouldn't you think every day about them having them every day? And how about her Ex's?

 

So i think that your mind movies isn't jealousy. I think that the problem is that you think she did something very hurtful to you and never took any responsibility for it.

 

You know and feel that she in fact did cheat. If she was admitting it, you felt a lot better, but she waves loudly in your face with her false innocence, and you feel that in a moment of crisis she won't think about you, only herself, as she did that time.

 

I didn't understand her claims... If i suspect that my wife was cheating and i sleep with another woman, and then it turns out that she wasn't... it means i'm innocent and my excuse is that "I thought she was cheating"? What kind of a ridiculous claim is that?

 

If i kill someone who came to kill me, its self defence. But if i kill someone who i just "thought" he was planning to kill me, it's called murder.

 

There's a big difference if you were dating other women back then, or that she just "thought" you were. BUT- you gave up your claims when you didn't demand that she will admit her cheating. And now you do not take responsibility for your mistake-and let's be clear - It was your mistake to let her get away with it.

 

I suggest that you do exactly what she did. You "think" that she cheated, or you can "think" that she is dating othe men. According to her philosophy you can go sleeping with other women and it's not cheating. Go, do it. It will erase your mind movies. It might do other bad things to your marriage but it will solve your current problem.

Edited January 15, 2015 by lolablue17

[Winterina]

Its a tough one when your objective mind say one thing but your as***le mind wonders elsewhere...

Look, if you love her and she loves you, and you know she would never cheat on you, try and find a way to let it go.

If she thought you were with someone else, then she was very hurt, and people do a lot of things to get over people they love... so the fact she hooked up with some guy she apparently did not love at all, is not very surprising.

There is no need to imagine anything at all about them. He is not important to her, and should not be to you either.

I have similar something in my life. When I met my bf I liked him but certain circumstances and misunderstandings worked against us and I ended up one night with his friend that I did not really like that much (he was good looking by some standards, but not my type at all)... my bf and I were not together at the time or anything, did not talk about us, kissed or anything, so it was definitely not cheating. Still it bothered him a bit later when we got together. But to me, that guy meant nothing at all, and I did not even ask him for his number or try to stay in touch. It was the most meaningless one night stand to me because all I wanted to do that night is be with the guy that is now my bf. I thought he did not like me or something. I thought he might have been with or into one other woman who took all his attention that night. I got pissed and hurt and totally accepted advances of his friend.

 

 

So there you go, forget the stuff that comes out of your as***le mind for your own sake because I am sure to her that guy means nothing and she is not even thinking about him.

[Winterina]

Are you jealous or not jealous? That is the question.

 

If she used to have sex with him until 3 month instead of 2 month, why then wouldn't you think every day about them having them every day? And how about her Ex's?

 

So i think that your mind movies isn't jealousy. I think that the problem is that you think she did something very hurtful to you and never took any responsibility for it.

 

You know and feel that she in fact did cheat. If she was admitting it, you felt a lot better, but she waves loudly in your face with her false innocence, and you feel that in a moment of crisis she won't think about you, only herself, as she did that time.

 

I didn't understand her claims... If i suspect that my wife was cheating and i sleep with another woman, and then it turns out that she wasn't... it means i'm innocent and my excuse is that "I thought she was cheating"? What kind of a ridiculous claim is that?

 

If i kill someone who came to kill me, its self defence. But if i kill someone who i just "thought" he was planning to kill me, it's called murder.

 

There's a big difference if you were dating other women back then, or that she just "thought" you were. BUT- you gave up your claims when you didn't demand that she will admit her cheating. And now you do not take responsibility for your mistake-and let's be clear - It was your mistake to let her get away with it.

 

I suggest that you do exactly what she did. You "think" that she cheated, or you can "think" that she is dating othe men. According to her philosophy you can go sleeping with other women and it's not cheating. Go, do it. It will erase your mind movies. It might do other bad things to your marriage but it will solve your current problem.

 

 

I don't agree with your logic. Even the OP says "She thought I was dating other women. In hindsight, it really looked like I was." They were only a month together when this happened. So she really thought she ran into a dishonest jerk... she deleted their pics from FB which is a clear sign you are not with someone any more. In her mind they were broken up, for good or false reason, but she was apparently convinced that he did something behind her back and she left him.

[Not_Mike]

Are you jealous or not jealous?

 

That is true. I don't give a crap what they did before. It is just after we were together.

 

.... Why she thought what she thought ...

I went out of town on a fishing trip. After, my friends and I went to a bar. We took lots of photos with women. Several photos I have my arms around women. These were posted on facebook. I didn't have sex with anyone that night, or any other night. I told her, and she didn't believe me. She said she figured we were just dating, and I would say anything. So she had sex with him the next day. She said it was no big deal. She doesn't understand why I don't just let it go. The past is the past.

[Deidre]

I could easily tell you to 'get over it,' but I won't. Take time to work through why you are feeling the way you do...most likely, these feelings of insecurity stem from another place inside of you. She married you, she loves you...but you are still not 100% certain about your relationship. That part is about you. Her past is in the past. It is time to figure out why you are hurting over her past. Once you work to process THAT part of things, you'll get past this. Just my thoughts to it...

[turronita]

A month or one year, it was cheating. She expected you to be monogamous and you were in a relationship, not just dating here and there. Of course you cannot forget it because she cheated.

 

What I find very worrying about this is that she directly hooked up with another guy when she thought you're seeing other women, even though she didn't have any proof and even though you were telling her that you're only seeing her. What if she gets jealous in the future? What if she thinks you're interested in another woman, even if that's not true? Will she directly call some old flames and hook up with other guys again? That's quite a pathetic behaviour in my opinion.

 

Now you're already married and it's been three years. Having those doubts and trust issues, I think you shouldn't even have married her. But well, I guess in your current situation you should just try to expect the best, be a bit on alert with her behaviour and hope everything works out.

[lolablue17]

So she had sex with him the next day. She said it was no big deal. She doesn't understand why I don't just let it go. The past is the past.

 

The words "he means nothing to me" or "it was no big deal" are said a lot by cheaters. They automatically try to reduce their blame. Well, If it was no big deal, why was it so urgent to F&ck him the next day?

 

I'll tell you why - Because she felt horrible and (by mistake) cheated on by you. She was devastated and very very hurt, so she needed an immediate cure for her pain. Her needs for a cure on that day were a huge big deal. That's why she slept with him.

 

So in my eyes that shag was very important and urgent to her on those moments, and the words "no big deal" are dishonest.

 

I think that what you need is her recognition of her wrong behavior, and her taking responsibility of her hurting you. She was hurting you very bad still does, by refusing to admit it.

 

Tell her that... tell her that if after so much time you can't let it go, it's a mutual problem and explain to her why you think it's also much of her responsibility. If she loves you, and understand that your emotions are "a big deal" and she can't just dismiss them as if they are not exist. It's also a long term threat to your marriage.

 

i have a feeling that if she understands her responsibility and makes effort to cure you and make it up to you, you will feel much better about it.

Edited January 16, 2015 by lolablue17

[italianjob]

Are you kidding? Of course that's cheating.

 

 

I agree with turronita... What happens the next time you fight and she's insecure about your relationship? She ****s the first guy she meets? Come on... That's the moral compass of a clam.

 

 

Anyway, you decided to go on and marry her so now it's a bit late to think about it...

[Diezel]

That she only did it because she thought I was with other women.

 

This is the REAL reason why she was pursuing the fact that you might be cheating. She needed to rationalize the fact that she was having quickies with her sex buddy even though you two were going out.

 

It's a rough thing to "get over" once you married that person.

 

Note that she absolutely took no responsibility for her actions. She blames your alleged cheating for her own actions, but at no point is saying, "Well, I did it because I suck at dating. My bad."

 

Zero accountability or responsibility.

 

I don't blame you for being upset about it. I just wish you had dealt with all of this internally before proposing and signing your name off on the certificate.

[Not_Mike]

I'll tell you why - Because she felt horrible and (by mistake) cheated on by you. She was devastated and very very hurt, so she needed an immediate cure for her pain. Her needs for a cure on that day were a huge big deal. That's why she slept with him.

She also said she thought it would make her feel better. But it didn’t.

[Not_Mike]

Are you jealous or not jealous?

The best way to describe it is like I feel violated. When we have sex, I wonder if she acted like this with him that day. I wonder if this is the view he had that day. If because she was mad at me, she gave him the best sex ever. I visualize him on top of her pounding away. And I visualize her moaning and loving every second of it. Everything revolves around that single day.

[Not_Mike]

I'll tell you why - Because she felt horrible and (by mistake) cheated on by you. She was devastated and very very hurt, so she needed an immediate cure for her pain. Her needs for a cure on that day were a huge big deal. That's why she slept with him.

This is very close to what she said. I think her exact words were "I was devastated and so so very hurt by you posting those photos. I really thought you were with someone else. It was a huge deal to me.".

[Deidre]

The best way to describe it is like I feel violated. When we have sex, I wonder if she acted like this with him that day. I wonder if this is the view he had that day. If because she was mad at me, she gave him the best sex ever. I visualize him on top of her pounding away. And I visualize her moaning and loving every second of it. Everything revolves around that single day.

 

While what she did was wrong at that time, if you don't find a way to get past this...your marriage will eventually end. And maybe it should, because maybe you truly can't ever move past it. But, if you don't want it to end, you truly have to find a way to forgive her in your heart, and move past it. You might never get over it so to speak, but to relive it over and over, will only hurt you and your present relationship with her.

 

 

(I wouldn't have married her, lol...but...that's neither here nor there atm)

 

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, cheating is a deal breaker for me. I've been betrayed by two guys in the past, this way...and it was a horrible feeling. A feeling of humiliation, so I understand.

[road]

While what she did was wrong at that time, if you don't find a way to get past this...your marriage will eventually end. And maybe it should, because maybe you truly can't ever move past it. But, if you don't want it to end, you truly have to find a way to forgive her in your heart, and move past it. You might never get over it so to speak, but to relive it over and over, will only hurt you and your present relationship with her.

 

 

(I wouldn't have married her, lol...but...that's neither here nor there atm)

 

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, cheating is a deal breaker for me. I've been betrayed by two guys in the past, this way...and it was a horrible feeling. A feeling of humiliation, so I understand.

 

 

Yes you were cheated on.

 

 

Easy to say I would not marry her. We here, are not you. Though I do lean that way myself. Who knows what I would have done.

 

 

I have seen this done by many a woman. Break up on purpose so they can go do another guy and not claim it was cheating. This is what your GF/WW did.

 

 

What I can not say is why she needed to re-test the waters again though her actions showed she needed to.

 

 

I would schedule a polygraph test for your WW to get the whole truth. For many a time when a WW admits to a number the real number is always higher.

 

 

Once you get the truth take six months before you make any life changing decisions. If you want to recover your marriage then being you have the whole truth after the polygraph test then stop talking about the affair.

[Chi townD]

I'm confused! How long were you dating when she had this "sex buddy" and were you actually broken up at this time or were you just not talking?

[BeatsByDirk]

Are you Able to give get orgasms, do you have sex problems. You sound a shade insecure.

When I think about my wife cheating with a dude I just laugh, I'm completely confident. When I think about her with a woman at first it doesn't bother me but if I let it go further and envision her having multiple orgasms from a woman tongue, I feel far mid uncomfortable. That's because I'm insecure about my oral skill when compared to a true lesbian. I know I measure up and I can get the job done but I know there's a difference between what I would do and what another woman would do.

Come over yourself, confront your insecurities.

You kinda messed up, accepted it and moved forward when you went ready. In my opinion you have to let it go anyway you can. If you keep dwelling on it you will drive her away!!!!! Don't bring it up to her, I think it just makes you look weak and insecure.

If you can't get it out of your mind skew the image from horror to hot. Think about what your little hot pornstar can do and then think of how you'll top it. You can use the image a you have as motivation of what you need to beat to be the best. Either way good luck!

[bubbaganoosh]

She cheated. Plain and simple. She assumed. What are the first the letters in the word "Assume". Ass-u-me.

 

You let it go and married her without any type of closure and now the problem is still there rearing it's ugly head every day. Should have addressed it before you said "I do".

[BeholdtheMan]

She only wanted to be with me. But when she thought I was dating other women, she answered one of his texts. They met after work for a quickie.

 

She only wanted to be with me but she banged another dude. Does this make sense to you?

 

I was really pissed. She said it was not cheating. That she would never cheat on me. That she only did it because she thought I was with other women.

 

...so she cheated out of her own insecurity. This is cheating.

 

But we ended up getting married, and have been in love for over three years. I love her so much. I know positively that she has had zero interaction with him. And I know positively that she has not even tried to contact him. So why do I think about her with him every single day? Why can’t I let it go? How do I let it go?

 

Why would you marry her? LOL...you've made your bed, now lie in it

[smackie9]

So that is how she handles herself in a crisis?? sleep with this guy? A mature resonable person would have "communicated" their unhappiness, and request proper "boundaries" through discussions instead of "assuming" the worst. She has a lot of growing up to do. Best of luck.

[lolablue17]

This is very close to what she said. I think her exact words were "I was devastated and so so very hurt by you posting those photos. I really thought you were with someone else. It was a huge deal to me.".

 

Doesn't she see the clear contradiction in her statments?

 

On one side, she declares that the sex encounter was a real big deal to her on that day, because she needed a cure, and on the other side, she says it was no big deal and she "doesn't understand" why are you making such a big thing out of it.

 

I'll say it again - I think you can get over it, but only if she takes responsibility for her actions, and admit that she'd hurt you so much and admit she shouldn't have. She should have wait and talk to you and not running so quickly after cheap sex.

[BeholdtheMan]

Doesn't she see the clear contradiction in her statments?

 

On one side, she declares that the sex encounter was a real big deal to her on that day, because she needed a cure, and on the other side, she says it was no big deal and she "doesn't understand" why are you making such a big thing out of it.

 

OP's girl was full of sh*t, and at the time, instead of calling her out on it, OP decided to eat the sh*t sandwich