Danda Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Is it even legit? I mean there is the scenario of two people having been together long enough to actually be in love, not just infatuated, and then one "falls out of love" while the other doesn't. So in that specific scenario I can understand how "unrequited love" could happen. But when I read/hear stories of Person A desiring Person B romantically, but Person B not being interested or reciprocating anything even remotely romantic, then how on earth could Person A actually develop feelings of (romantic) "love" for Person B? Lust, infatuation, obsession, and even just projection unaware - all of that I can understand being unrequited from square one. But what exactly would make a person genuinely "fall in love" with someone who never reciprocates that sentiment? Is it always really just infatuation that gets mistakenly labeled as love? Or can legit romantic "love" actually develop one-sided? And if so, how? Ever happened to any of you? If so, how do you know it was actual love and not just infatuation, lust or some obsessive projected thing? I'm still relatively young and naive, being mid-20s, so it's not like I'm sure this will never happen to me or something. But so far I have never fallen "in love" with someone who didn't reciprocate romantic feelings. I've been infatuated, for sure, and then on two occasions that mutual romantic interest lead to dating, then a serious relationship, and then at some point I realized that what I felt with my partner was probably what so many people refer to as "being in love." Won't even attempt to articulate it. But I can't imagine developing that feeling towards someone without even having shared intimate (not talking about sex) experiences. To me it's a type of bond, really, not a feeling I just up-and-have towards a person because they're cute, have the same values and listen to the same obscure music. Or whatever. Do you perceive it similarly? Totally differently? Do you think you could / have you developed genuine unrequited love? I've also considered the possibility that I reject the notion because it would seriously suck if it's real and happened to me lol. But I'm still pretty much on the fence. Curious for what others think.
Shepp Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I agree a lot of unrequited love is unrequited infatuation! Just a crush that doesn't feel the same way for grown ups. But I do believe it's possible. I think I must of been awful close to it - I always believed in my heart she loved me back but I think a lot of folk would say that! I loved a girl for a long long time who didn't want to date me...not just she's beautiful and we get on and whatever but exactly what you say all those shared intimate experiences... We watched terrible movies, camped out under the stars, danced at weddings, she say at my hospital bed when I crashed my mountain bike and I sat up all night with her at her mums grave side, in the rain... And I loved her - but she saw other guys! I love her still, or I wouldn't of married her! but for a long time she didn't wanna date, isk the friendship etc etc etc - would you class that as unrequited love? A lot iof people called it that at the time and told me to move on! Even on here! 1
Gloria25 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You know, since I've been posting a lot here, like since last year, is where I've picked up the term used as the topic of this thread...and, I still am not understanding how it works. To me, for one, the term "love" should not be used...cuz per my fave podcaster, love is "awe, admiration, and respect"..How can you attribute the three A's to someone who either: you are not in a "real" RL with and/or doesn't have feelings like you do for them? If I'm interpreting this term correctly, it could be like: Two people actually dating (with or without sex) and one person doesn't feel the same about the other person (I.e. that person is using you for sex, money, an emotional tampon). Or, One person being "strung along" by another person...in other words, one person may flirt and give signals that they know the hurt person perceives as interest, but the hurt person, instead of moving on when the so-called RL doesn't materializes, sticks around 'a wishin', a hopin', and a prayn' that one day that person will actually have a RL with them.
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You can love someone who is a lot like what you like in a person and has the qualities you admire and you can have this deep river of love for them (and this is all presupposing they let you get to know them even though it's not a love relationship) and then you can simply not be their type even though they are one of your types. It's happened to me. People used to tell me it wasn't real love back when it was happening in my 20s, but at least with one of them I had a very tangible relationship with him and meant a lot to him, but wasn't his dream girl. Decades later, I still love him and used to keep up with him until his alcoholism became problematic. He had some problems that kept him from being able to love me, a real person, rather than someone who fit his ideal mold. I had to get used to being just a friend to him because he wouldn't go away. I met another man so that made it easier. He eventually resolved the issues somewhat and did marry a nice wife instead of the usual fare he'd been striving for. (By this time he was across the country from me.) Due to his drinking, they did divorce and he came and spent a few days with me and just sitting talking to him and it was very clear to me what I loved about him. He sat fiddling with his portable music studio on his laptop and arranging things on his guitar and spun tales in his literate and charming way, which is what I initially fell for. But then we went somewhere, me driving, and we're both like 50 by now, 30 years later, you know, and he started backseat driving me like an old lady. I realized I didn't really want to have him around full time or anything because being now old and crochety myself, I'd have to have let him have it about stuff like that. But if he needed me, I'd be there. It WAS real love on my part. And on his part, it was real friendship, but it was love too. 1
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You can love someone who is a lot like what you like in a person and has the qualities you admire and you can have this deep river of love for them (and this is all presupposing they let you get to know them even though it's not a love relationship) and then you can simply not be their type even though they are one of your types. It's happened to me. People used to tell me it wasn't real love back when it was happening in my 20s, but at least with one of them I had a very tangible relationship with him and meant a lot to him, but wasn't his dream girl. Decades later, I still love him and used to keep up with him until his alcoholism became problematic. He had some problems that kept him from being able to love me, a real person, rather than someone who fit his ideal mold. I had to get used to being just a friend to him because he wouldn't go away. I met another man so that made it easier. He eventually resolved the issues somewhat and did marry a nice wife instead of the usual fare he'd been striving for. (By this time he was across the country from me.) Due to his drinking, they did divorce and he came and spent a few days with me and just sitting talking to him and it was very clear to me what I loved about him. He sat fiddling with his portable music studio on his laptop and arranging things on his guitar and spun tales in his literate and charming way, which is what I initially fell for. But then we went somewhere, me driving, and we're both like 50 by now, 30 years later, you know, and he started backseat driving me like an old lady. I realized I didn't really want to have him around full time or anything because being now old and crochety myself, I'd have to have let him have it about stuff like that. But if he needed me, I'd be there. It WAS real love on my part. And on his part, it was real friendship, but it was love too. But I agree with you Danda that usually when people are in love and it's unrequited, they don't even usually know the person well and are just projecting their ideal onto them. It's kind of a cruel irony that it's easiest to project your ideal onto someone you spend the least amount of time with!
todreaminblue Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Unrequited love doesnt make sense it isnt meant to ....its in what could be, that never lateralizes with an intellect that knows better than to chase a dream.........feelings develop often uncontrolled and not rational.....if you look at love in one way unrquited love wont form....but i fyou look at love as having many facets....it si everywhere in anyone ...for no apparent reason...other than to say ....i believe love can form outside of our own will......a prompting.....from above for sure......a feeling of familiarity of knowing someone even before you knew them really...as i said outside our own will ....somewhere deep in recesses of another life....another time ....ancient.....unable to be identified..........where something feels so right....yet the other person doesnt feel it at all....not open to it ...not aware..and can even be cruel in repose......but yet you can look at them ...here a tone and something moves in you..a fragile thread you cant quite grasp....an awareness of that person .a forgotten dream ...another life....another higher power's will......yes....i have had this happen..and beign out fo control ....is not me really...i am reserved and it takes em a logn time to know someone..so its scary to me to lose that rationale....that sense of self will....i cannot however seem to help it....just accept it and move on with my life........deb 3
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Unrequited love doesnt make sense it isnt meant to ....its in what could be, that never lateralizes with an intellect that knows better than to chase a dream.........feelings develop often uncontrolled and not rational.....if you look at love in one way unrquited love wont form....but i fyou look at love as having many facets....it si everywhere in anyone ...for no apparent reason...other than to say ....i believe love can form outside of our own will......a prompting.....from above for sure......a feeling of familiarity of knowing someone even before you knew them really...as i said outside our own will ....somewhere deep in recesses of another life....another time ....ancient.....unable to be identified..........where something feels so right....yet the other person doesnt feel it at all....not open to it ...not aware..and can even be cruel in repose......but yet you can look at them ...here a tone and something moves in you..a fragile thread you cant quite grasp....an awareness of that person .a forgotten dream ...another life....another higher power's will......yes....i have had this happen..and beign out fo control ....is not me really...i am reserved and it takes em a logn time to know someone..so its scary to me to lose that rationale....that sense of self will....i cannot however seem to help it....just accept it and move on with my life........deb I believe you are describing something I'm experiencing right now... I don't know if I'm having these intense feeling cuz the more I believe I'm learning about that person, not sure if we really have that much in common...just to "weird" for me. Then, he just does things that like recently, identify so much with me and I don't know if that's just him being "him" or he's sorta "projecting" - knowing that I sneak peeks at him. Lol, the things I see him do often make me smile, but after the smile there's sadness, frustration, jealousy even - cuz like you said, the sweetness is followed by cruelty cuz you know you'll never have a chance with that person and need to stop with the "what if's". I'm working hard on the moving on and day by day getting there...I need to stop with the sneak peeking though. But, I think I'm getting better with handling the sneak peeks...I mean, I see something that makes me smile, but am coming to terms that "we will never be", so that helps with the feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Me also praying/wishing him the best - even if it will never be me - also helps. I sorta use this technique like let's say with a difficult co-worker. Instead of thinking of all the things I can't stand about them, I look for the positive and it helps in getting along/moving on. 2
Author Danda Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I loved a girl for a long long time who didn't want to date me...not just she's beautiful and we get on and whatever but exactly what you say all those shared intimate experiences... We watched terrible movies, camped out under the stars, danced at weddings, she say at my hospital bed when I crashed my mountain bike and I sat up all night with her at her mums grave side, in the rain... And I loved her - but she saw other guys! Even though she didn't want to date you and risk the friendship being sacrificed, do you believe, though, that she wasn't in love with you at all during much or all of that time you shared? I would be skeptical that she didn't have feelings for you, if she shared so many more intimate experiences with you, even if she refused to try dating you for a long time. That is sort of what I mean, though. I can totally understand people being reserved or pretending not to have feelings when they do, for all sorts of possible reasons, but if someone is sharing such things with you, in ways they don't share with other "friends" over such a period of time, then is it really "unrequited love" or just one (or both) people having reservations about confessing it?
Giggle Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I would call it unrequited if the other person can't/doesn't love you back romantically. They may love you as a friend.
Satu Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 In most cases its Limerence, rather than love. definition of "limerence" by Wiktionary.org: "Limerence: An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated." "You can't help limerence; it just happens to you, and the first time is very unexpected because more often than not, you don't know what is happening to you, so you imagine it as love. Limerence is love's unhealthy cousin, a child of desire, and a sibling to obsession and addiction. People who have been limerent multiple times can usually tell if another bout of limerence for a different person is coming on. The symptoms, on average, remain constant." Source. 4
Els Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I think it's because different people fall in love in different ways. If you take the same situation - say, a guy and a girl who sit by each other in class, hang out after class, share hobbies perhaps - it's possible that different people would interpret it in different ways. One of them might think, "Oh, it's just a platonic friendship". The other person on the other hand, might have been developing feelings from spending all that time together and having close conversations. Of course it isn't genuine 'lasting love', the kind that you get from weathering storms together, from seeing each other at their worst and still loving them. But in that same vein even requited 'love' would be a misnomer in the honeymoon phase.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I think the thing that plays a huge role "unrequited love" is the rejection aspect. For some, rejection only serves to strengthen and solidify those supposed feelings of "love". I came across this paper published about 35 years ago called "Obsession with the Rejecting Beloved". Now the text is focused on mainly five or so women - who were being studied while receiving psychiatric treatment for their obsessive behavior towards men who rejected them - however it talked a lot about how the rejection and/or inability to elicit similar feelings from the "beloved" party seemed to serve to make them all the more determined in their feelings. Also, since I think it's very hard to find yourself legitimately "in love" with someone whom you basically know nothing about, like Shepp said, and in my view, it's merely a crush but one gone too far. People get crushes on teachers and classmates and coworkers and that one super attractive server at their favorite cafe - in short, mainly people they don't actually know that well. And because they don't know them very well, it's quite easy for them to see one or two aspects of a person they have a crush on and then fill in the blanks to insane degrees. A guys looks across a room, sees his coworker, he doesn't know much about her but that she's pretty and seems nice. Maybe they like the same pizza toppings. But he spends hours daydreaming about her, he imagines they like all the same things, have the exact same sense of humor, more and more he pictures what their life would be like together, how great of a mother she would be, etc. If one day he gets the courage to chat her up or even ask her out but she seems uninterested, suddenly the disinterest feels infinitely worse because it's no longer a matter of just some cute girl not being into him, it's now become an issue of him being rejected by the perfect woman, since in his mind he's filled in all the blanks and projected all desirable qualities onto her. That kind of hurt has been known to make people obsessive and feel all sorts of things that aren't really genuine because it's largely fantasy. I can fairly easily see how having a wee crush on someone can start to feel like love in those circumstances because it's their own creation. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Unrequited love is real and I was plagued by it all through my 20s. I now realize that it was a form of escapism. I usually felt that way about people I interacted regularly with in semi-flirty way, some I hooked up with few times, others I just kept seeing around. Then I would fantasize and project all kinds of qualities onto them. For it to keep going, the other person had to give some signs of liking me back - I couldn't sustain it purely in my mind. The feelings were "real" to me. They are possibly even more intense than what I felt like with someone I actually seriously dated. Feeling "in love" is all about chemicals your brain produces anyway so in that sense it doesn't matter if your feelings are returned. However, I have matured and I don't need or like the fantasy anymore. I am now aware what a waste of time it was and I can't sustain an interest in someone without full reciprocation. Not even with the other person leading me on or even being FWB. I need to date someone that expresses the same level of interest with concrete and realistic steps towards eulding a serious relationship. I quickly go cold at any sign of lack of interest. Conversely, if a guy expresses an interest in me that I haven't considered before, he immedietly becomes more attractive. I really wish I had this wisdom in my 20s 5
littleblackheart Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Love isn't an instant feeling. It is far too precious, rare and beautiful a feeling not to be requited; for me, it can only see light, grow and nurture in pairs. If it's unrequited, whatever it is, it's not love. That' my take on in, anyway.
Emilia Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I think unrequited love is more likely to happen when you are younger and less mature because you won't necessarily realise yet that you should remove yourself from situations where you start liking someone and it's not going anywhere. As you get older, you get more experienced at protecting yourself and you put distance between you and that person so it doesn't develop into anything deeper. 2
regine_phalange Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 It used to happen in my teens. I had a wild fantasy, and like Eternal_Sunshine I was projecting a lot. It happens out of naivity and idealism. Then you grow up and you see others for who they are so it doesn't happen.
todreaminblue Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I believe you are describing something I'm experiencing right now... I don't know if I'm having these intense feeling cuz the more I believe I'm learning about that person, not sure if we really have that much in common...just to "weird" for me. Then, he just does things that like recently, identify so much with me and I don't know if that's just him being "him" or he's sorta "projecting" - knowing that I sneak peeks at him. Lol, the things I see him do often make me smile, but after the smile there's sadness, frustration, jealousy even - cuz like you said, the sweetness is followed by cruelty cuz you know you'll never have a chance with that person and need to stop with the "what if's". I'm working hard on the moving on and day by day getting there...I need to stop with the sneak peeking though. But, I think I'm getting better with handling the sneak peeks...I mean, I see something that makes me smile, but am coming to terms that "we will never be", so that helps with the feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Me also praying/wishing him the best - even if it will never be me - also helps. I sorta use this technique like let's say with a difficult co-worker. Instead of thinking of all the things I can't stand about them, I look for the positive and it helps in getting along/moving on. it is possible to move on and not act on feelings that you have for someone, i see him every now and again......its hard not too...i feel him around before i see him......i say hello, i smile.....and thats it.....he is friendly to me i respond in kind......feelings whatever they are be they love anger or sadness are part of us....i am an empath so my own feelings are often mixed in with others and what they are feeling...doesnt mean i have to act on any of them.....others or my own feelings...with others if i feel something that is off....ill try and get them to open up.....if they want to talk that is..... i knwo for a fact that feeling is part of life whether we want to feel or not gloria......i would rather feel love than sadness...would rather feel joy than anger......but if i feel anything....its better than feeling nothing.....nothingness is very cold......desolate...alone feeling....a feeling fo breathing and not much else...... maybe god puts that love there...to make us feel hope......where hopelessness had taken hold.....being in love with someone who doesnt love you back.....can let you know its ok to feel....you dont have to act.....i dont think its about being naive and young at all.....or limerence.....i have no lust.....no desire to jump on him whatsoever......i think he is handsome...i love his smile his eyes his beautiful dark hair...his laugh.....the way he is with kids the way he is with his grandmother how passionate he is abotu hsi faith........he has this aura.....but i know he also keeps things hidden.....quite well actually....intriguing.......and i do beleive i love him for whatever reason ...i dont know .......doesnt mean i will ever act on it......did once ...once was enough......i just accept what i feel....and i live my life regardless i am not dead quite yet..just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel...to ignore and deny....to me is being naive....to accept ....is to be mature in thought.....maybe not smart....smilin...but mature....good luck gloria...deb 2
Gloria25 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Unrequited love is real and I was plagued by it all through my 20s. I now realize that it was a form of escapism. I usually felt that way about people I interacted regularly with in semi-flirty way, some I hooked up with few times, others I just kept seeing around. Then I would fantasize and project all kinds of qualities onto them. For it to keep going, the other person had to give some signs of liking me back - I couldn't sustain it purely in my mind. The feelings were "real" to me. They are possibly even more intense than what I felt like with someone I actually seriously dated. Feeling "in love" is all about chemicals your brain produces anyway so in that sense it doesn't matter if your feelings are returned. However, I have matured and I don't need or like the fantasy anymore. I am now aware what a waste of time it was and I can't sustain an interest in someone without full reciprocation. Not even with the other person leading me on or even being FWB. I need to date someone that expresses the same level of interest with concrete and realistic steps towards eulding a serious relationship. I quickly go cold at any sign of lack of interest. Conversely, if a guy expresses an interest in me that I haven't considered before, he immedietly becomes more attractive. I really wish I had this wisdom in my 20s Agreed... I'm far from my 20's and can't believe I'm going through this...but like what you said, I'm mature enough to walk away from a situation that doesn't materialize. But, also, like you said - this isn't all in my head. While I may look more into things he does at the end of the day, I feel the things he does pulls me back in and I start with the "what if's" and fantasies. But, the thing that is helping me to deal with it is to realize that what he's doing is not a sign of interest, just attraction. So, at the end of the day, it is what it is...I will not put no more energy into it. Like, the beginning of this week, I slipped cuz we crossed paths, then later in the week I think he was "peacocking" (like showing off his skills and sweetness, which impressed me - I wish I could give him a "like"...lol, but all I can do is smile to myself)...but again, it's nothing. We're not dating, talking, anything. So, that brings me back to reality to let it go and just work harder on ignoring it. You know what? Sometimes I wish we would just hook up and get it out of our system and he can move on and keep on doing his thing without us constantly sneaking glances, projection, etc. BUT, sometimes I believe we have the same intensity, limines-whatever going on here and that we are both scared cuz if we ever have a physical encounter, we might not be able to handle it. So, maybe he's right in us admiring each other from a distance I usually walk away with low or no interest, but this one has been a tough cookie cuz we cross paths now and then.
MissBee Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Is it even legit? I mean there is the scenario of two people having been together long enough to actually be in love, not just infatuated, and then one "falls out of love" while the other doesn't. So in that specific scenario I can understand how "unrequited love" could happen. But when I read/hear stories of Person A desiring Person B romantically, but Person B not being interested or reciprocating anything even remotely romantic, then how on earth could Person A actually develop feelings of (romantic) "love" for Person B? Lust, infatuation, obsession, and even just projection unaware - all of that I can understand being unrequited from square one. But what exactly would make a person genuinely "fall in love" with someone who never reciprocates that sentiment? Is it always really just infatuation that gets mistakenly labeled as love? Or can legit romantic "love" actually develop one-sided? And if so, how? Ever happened to any of you? If so, how do you know it was actual love and not just infatuation, lust or some obsessive projected thing? I'm still relatively young and naive, being mid-20s, so it's not like I'm sure this will never happen to me or something. But so far I have never fallen "in love" with someone who didn't reciprocate romantic feelings. I've been infatuated, for sure, and then on two occasions that mutual romantic interest lead to dating, then a serious relationship, and then at some point I realized that what I felt with my partner was probably what so many people refer to as "being in love." Won't even attempt to articulate it. But I can't imagine developing that feeling towards someone without even having shared intimate (not talking about sex) experiences. To me it's a type of bond, really, not a feeling I just up-and-have towards a person because they're cute, have the same values and listen to the same obscure music. Or whatever. Do you perceive it similarly? Totally differently? Do you think you could / have you developed genuine unrequited love? I've also considered the possibility that I reject the notion because it would seriously suck if it's real and happened to me lol. But I'm still pretty much on the fence. Curious for what others think. I think in the term unrequited love the word love is used loosely as shorthand for romantic feelings. I've always assumed it just means unrequited infatuation or romantic desire and never really thought it was truly meant to mean love-love. I have one friend who gets easily obsessed, to the point of being unable to sleep, crying, etc , with men she doesn't know well. She often has unrequited feelings of "love" and it's always dramatic and woeful and completely bizarre to me that she gets so wound up about men she either knows very loosely (the last guy was a guy who lived on the same floor as her and they spoke twice) or has never had any kind of relationship with but likes them from afar. This is clearly projection and obsession. I told her that it's not normal. I've never felt that way about anyone. I may get crushes but I don't consider it unrequited love and it's not a big deal. I may enjoy admiring or interacting with the person and thinking about them from time to time but it doesn't become an obsession where I am in turmoil over them. Like you said I've only felt that kind of turmoil over men I've actually had a relationship with where deeper feelings could develop versus feeling that way over an acquaintance or friend or worse someone I've never even interacted with.
Gloria25 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Ok, "unrequited love", "limerence", "obsession", "infatuation", or whatever this thread is about (pretty much a person having intense feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same and/or reciprocates).... Is it possible for two people to be going through the same thing for each other? Cuz, I feel like that's my situation...we both have intense feelings, we probably obsess about each other, but we're not in a RL - not even close. I mean, I'll be sneaking looks at him and I think while he can't see me - he knows. And, while he tries to play it off that he's not sneaking looksies at me, I know he is...but, I think he knows it bothers me that he does it and "us" will never materialize, so he tries to hide it - which I think is sweet cuz he's considerate of my feelings (or doesn't wanna lead my nutty self on)....but, we both are trying so hard to ignore each other and make the feelings go away that the opposite happens - which is we obsess about each other. That's why I wish we could just get it out of our systems and move on....I mean, I try to talk to him casually in hopes to lessen the anxiety we both get, but he seems tothink either he can't handle being around me cuz he might jump me....or, he just wants me to leave him alone cuz all of this is in my head. Now, the intense feelings - don't think it's based on pure fantasy cuz we do know stuff about each other and I think that is what drives the intense feelings... And, while he's the one holding back on anything materializing, sometimes I'm scared that if in la-la land we would ever become something, he'd not be really happy with me...Sometimes I think he's scared I may not want him either.....grrrr So, in sum, we appear to have intense feelings - yet are afraid of it materializing....well, that's one theory I have. To keep things simple I think I'll stick with "attracted, but not interested". 1
regine_phalange Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Is it possible for two people to be going through the same thing for each other? Yes it does. In both cases I found out many years later
SolG Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) When I was in college I fell for one of my best friends. We pretty much hung out together for about two years. Studied together at each other's houses, spent time with each other's families. Told each other our deepest darkest. He was one of four boys, his brothers kind of adopted me. We played a lot, a real lot, of pool :-) Then he did the inevitable; he got a serious gf. I still remember the day my poor little inexperienced tender heart broke. We were playing pool and he was talking about his gf and telling me how great she was (we always told each other about our dates of the moment), then he said something about not liking hanging out at college so much anymore. He elaborated by saying it's not that he really wanted to be somewhere else, it was that he really had someone else he wanted to be with. He finished off with, 'You know what I mean.' But I didn't know what he meant! Because there wasn't anyone else I would rather have been with. That's when I realised that I really, REALLY had some deep feelings going on for this guy. And that he obviously didn't return them. I didn't hang out with him so much after that. We still remained part of the same group. But we didn't do one on one other than superficially after that. I distanced myself quite effectively. We graduated, moved away, and eventually lost contact altogether. This remains the only heart break I've ever experienced in my life. (Until my current R that is, but that's a whole other story.) So yes, I do believe in unrequited love. And I do believe it was immature, but still love of a meaningful sort nonetheless. Edited January 17, 2015 by SolG
candie13 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Happened to my boss - he's in his 40s. I am the object of his attention. While I do my best to be nice to him, it's hard to stay totally neutral. I've been seeing a man for a few months now and... yeah, that emotional involvement f*cks everything. He volontarily stepped on that territory and i have told him Several times to step away. In his case, it's for sure limerence, because it is very very close to Obsession
candie13 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Happened to my boss - he's in his 40s. I am the object of his attention. While I do my best to be nice to him, it's hard to stay totally neutral. I've been seeing a man for a few months now and... yeah, that emotional involvement f*cks everything. He volontarily stepped on that territory and i have told him Several times to step away. In his case, it's for sure limerence, because it is very very close to Obsession
Shepp Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Even though she didn't want to date you and risk the friendship being sacrificed, do you believe, though, that she wasn't in love with you at all during much or all of that time you shared? I would be skeptical that she didn't have feelings for you, if she shared so many more intimate experiences with you, even if she refused to try dating you for a long time. That is sort of what I mean, though. I can totally understand people being reserved or pretending not to have feelings when they do, for all sorts of possible reasons, but if someone is sharing such things with you, in ways they don't share with other "friends" over such a period of time, then is it really "unrequited love" or just one (or both) people having reservations about confessing it? No, I always believed that she loved me back - in her own way, otherwise I wouldn't of stayed hanging on like I did. But no one else seemed too! I think from the outside looking in people probably thought....stupid boy. I mostly agree with what your saying...though I guess even if the other party does requite (is that a word?) your love it could still feel pretty unrequited if their not admitting that or acting it, or at least look that way, to everyone else. Which I guess is kind of the thing, most people in that situation have to feel like they stand a shot otherwise they would stay in that situation, surely? Obviously I did stand a shot else we wouldn't be married now, but even for those folk where the other party really doesn't feel the same way then maybe they are still getting enough to think they do. Dunno. I mean you could also say I've shared intimate experiences with my best mate - in like a brotherly way - I've grown up with him, shoulder to shoulder through everything, good stuff, bad stuff. And obviously like when you share those kind of experiences with someone you come to love them - and I do love him......but like a brother!! I certainly don't want to marry him! Haha! But he's not my brother, we're not blood, so if you hypothetical were to say he was gay, then maybe you could say that those experiences that make me feel for him like a brother, he could interpretive differently? Hahaha I don't even know anymore, this posts gone in a really weird direction - ignore me... i'm hungry! But do you know what I mean? Could that same thing not happen with friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if you swing that way - never say i'm not PC haha )
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