Blu72 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So I saw MM tonight after not being able to see each other for a month. We got talking about work (we used to work together) and he was telling me how he had an interview. I asked where and he told me it was back in his home town which is 2+ hours away. He does not like the job he has now so it's not surprising he is looking, but I never thought it would come to him moving. He had mentioned back in Oct that he interviewed back there but the job wasn't right for him. He said they may have more coming available he would be interested in. I didn't give it too much thought at the time cause I didn't think he sounded serious about it. There isn't much there so I'm not sure why he would want to uproot everything to move back there. But I know he misses it. He goes back there to visit almost every weekend. I know his wife likes it here better so I would be surprised if she's on board. Anyway he mentioned it , I tried not to act shocked. He just said "we'll see what comes of it. But a lot of things would have to come about for it to happen". Then he dropped it. I'm scared he's gonna do it and I don't want him to. But then I think maybe it's for the best because then it would be easier for us to finally end this. Right now we see each other every 3-4 weeks and if he moved I think we'd still see each other because he'd be up here to see family/friends once a month. But I'm still in shock and scared right now. Has anyone gone thru anything similar? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 It seems that you have a fear of being alone, and/or a fear of abandonment. Therapy is the best way to address those issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Of course he is going to be there to see the family. You are the OW and you have to wait in line for your turn to see him. Maybe it's time for you to leave the line altogether..have some therapy and find something better to live for????? Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 What I meant by that is his brother lives here so if he moves back there for this job he would still be coming back here for some weekends to see his brother and friends and I'm sure I would see him still. I am well aware I come last, I am a MW, so I get that. I just went thru so much pain when he left 3 years ago for the job he has now and that was in the same city. I can't imagine him moving away. It will be hard, and I will get thru it I'm just getting anxious thinking about it and how I will ultimately feel when and if he makes the decision. I didn't discuss it with him indepth but I'm thinking he would know soon if he got the job or not. So I'm guessing I will hear soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 What I meant by that is his brother lives here so if he moves back there for this job he would still be coming back here for some weekends to see his brother and friends and I'm sure I would see him still. I am well aware I come last, I am a MW, so I get that. I just went thru so much pain when he left 3 years ago for the job he has now and that was in the same city. I can't imagine him moving away. It will be hard, and I will get thru it I'm just getting anxious thinking about it and how I will ultimately feel when and if he makes the decision. I didn't discuss it with him indepth but I'm thinking he would know soon if he got the job or not. So I'm guessing I will hear soon enough. It must be hard to love someone and yet not be part of his career decision-making process in any way. Your messages about this are full of pain - pain that you've had to swallow on your own, while he just informs you of his choices and goes on living his life. How much longer can you do this? You're married, he's married - what's the end game here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Well we worked together for 12 years before he took another job locally w/ another company 3 years ago. He felt he had no choice but to leave at the time and it wasnt something he was particularly happy about . I wont go into specifics of why but it was a career choice he had to make. Although we worked together for 12 years the affair only started a little over a year before he left. I was floored but I put a fake smile on my face and supported his decision because it really was the best decision at the time. I figured it would be over because we wouldn't see each other as much. He never gave me the impression he wanted it to be, but I accepted that it would be. I vowed to let it go and not contact. After about a month, he reached out and we kept it friendly/professional for about 4 months and then he asked to meet for lunch and it started back up on/off and has been ongoing since. Because we are in the same field we always discuss our professional decisions w/ one another - bounce things off each other. But obviously it's not my place to influence his decisions and I never would attempt to or think I have a right to. But that doesn't minimize the feeling that I wish he wouldn't make this latest decision. But the fact he is even interviewing makes me feel he is serious about it. I can't go into all the specifics as to why this would be very important to him, but I understand why he's at least contemplating it. But it doesn't make it any easier and I feel all those same feelings I did 3 years ago when he changed jobs and that was locally. I can't imagine him moving 2+ hours away. I know it would be over for me then for sure because I wouldn't be able to continue this in that way. So this is probably a blessing in disguise, but I am still sad and hurting over the possiblity. I wish I was stronger. I am trying to get there. I just really needed to get these thoughts/feelings out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Is there anyone who has gone thru a similar situation? Struggling today with this going thru my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) I was very in love with my xMM and he told me he was moving half way across the country back to his home town. It tore me to pieces. I cried for several days straight but no matter how much I pleaded, I couldn't stop him. The only way I was able to see him again was to get on a plane and go see him in his home town. I was only able to do this once as I couldn't afford going back there over and over, plus I had kids that I couldn't leave. We were still able to talk on the phone and email but of course, its not the same as being together. It was really hard but no matter what you do, it isn't likely that you will be able to convince your MM to stay. Unfortunately, you are the OW and you are not his priority. I had to learn that the hard way. Edited January 17, 2015 by Missinghim17 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) My MM and I lived in the same city for the first 2.5 years. Then he moved (without the family) and spent 2013 in another city about 5 hours drive (or 1 hour flight) away - but we still spent one week per month and at least one night every other week together. At the beginning of 2014 he moved again, this time taking his family with him; this time a distance requiring a flight. But it's also the city where my family live. Between visits home and business travel, we still managed to see each other fairly often. But then in September he took on a short term project overseas. We are now on different sides of the world and haven't seen each other in person since he left. But we're catching up in two weeks time when he has his mid-project break. The advantage I guess we have is that we both travel extensively for work. And we're in related fields and often end up in the same place at the same time. We also phone and Skype the crap out of each other. The travelling and distance would be no different if we were a 'legitimate' couple. Highly unlikely that either of us would limit the other's career by setting location/job stipulations. It's too important a facet of our lives. Distance isn't a big deal for me. The big deal is being the OW. Edited January 17, 2015 by SolG Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thanks so much for the replies. I would never ever plead for him not to take the job if he chose to, because it's not my place. I know how much it would mean to him to be back there. I guess he probably doesn't see the issue cause it's only 2+ hours away and he would be back and forth so I'm sure he thinks we would still see one another. But he would actually have to move. Right now we live 15 min apart and I work less than 5 min from his house. It just would be weird for me knowing he no longer lives here. We dont see each other as much as we used to when we worked together, but at least now he can stop by my work to see me on his way home and on days off etc. if he moves, the sun/moon/stars would have to align for us to see one another. I'm just sad with the whole idea of this and anxious to know soon if this is gonna happen or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Update: I don't even know why this matters, but I thought I would post an update. MM emailed me today and finally brought up the job. He mentioned how he wanted to see me and tell me about his job offer. He had not mentioned anything to me about it since Jan so I really figured at this point it was a non issue. Of course my heart sank and I asked him to elaborate because I figured if he was bringing it up that meant he took the job. He went on to tell me he was offered the job but did not take it. He told me he is struggling with his decision and feels he may regret it. I was relieved but at the same time felt bad for him because I know how hard it was for him to turn that down. Then after a while I wondered if my life would be better off if he had just accepted this offer and moved. Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Update: I don't even know why this matters, but I thought I would post an update. MM emailed me today and finally brought up the job. He mentioned how he wanted to see me and tell me about his job offer. He had not mentioned anything to me about it since Jan so I really figured at this point it was a non issue. Of course my heart sank and I asked him to elaborate because I figured if he was bringing it up that meant he took the job. He went on to tell me he was offered the job but did not take it. He told me he is struggling with his decision and feels he may regret it. I was relieved but at the same time felt bad for him because I know how hard it was for him to turn that down. Then after a while I wondered if my life would be better off if he had just accepted this offer and moved. He didnt take it because the wife did not want to move? Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I have felt the same way as you (you are not alone) even though there was no future and even though we had so many years of disagreements and breakups, I would be devastated if he moved. It has been a concern in the back of mind, because he has before in life uplifted and moved and he can guarantee to make over and the upper end six figures where ever he decided to go. It would be easy for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 He didnt take it because the wife did not want to move? He really didn't give me the specifics as to why he made the decision. But knowing him, I am sure it has to do with the difficulty of uprooting himself. It's not easy to make that decision. And where he is from is not exactly a step up. The economy and other things are not good there. But it's where he is from.. It's his culture..what's important to him. So I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 I have felt the same way as you (you are not alone) even though there was no future and even though we had so many years of disagreements and breakups, I would be devastated if he moved. It has been a concern in the back of mind, because he has before in life uplifted and moved and he can guarantee to make over and the upper end six figures where ever he decided to go. It would be easy for him. I have been scared that he would take this job. But after 2 months, I had put it in the back of my mind thinking I would have heard something by now. So when he brought it up to me today..I freaked out. Then I realized why he has been so distant lately..he has been struggling with this decision. Selfishly I am glad he decided not to move, but I feel bad that he is still struggling with his decision wondering if he will regret it down the road. But then I think what if he moved.. Wouldn't it be easier to end this. So many emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I spoke with him briefly today. He really is struggling with this decision. He has been quite distant with me since the end of Jan and now I can see why. I haven't asked him why he chose not to take this job, but I have tried to listen and just provide support. But oddly, now I am having the opposite feelings than I had expected. Initially I felt relief, but after the distance between us lately now a part of me just wishes he took the job and was moving. Moving away from me and leaving this so we both were forced to let this go. Link to post Share on other sites
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