Clueless789 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Hi guys. I have very little relationship or FWB experience and I would appreciate some wisdom! I am a graduate student at a large university. Through work I met this guy (also a graduate student in my program) and immediately I liked him a lot. I am in my early-20s and he is in his early 30s. I had sex with him just a few weeks after meeting him, and although this was a very uncharacteristic move for me, I had a really good time. I spent one more night with him and started to develop more serious feelings. He invited me out for drinks to meet his friends. I would text him to ask how his day was going, "do you want to hang out," etc. At first he was very responsive. I thought he might be interested in dating. After a while when I would text him to hang out he would say that he had plans. Every time I texted him. He never offered a better time to see each other and the excuses were getting a little lame. After two weeks of this I stopped texting him. I figured he was moving on and I should too. Fast forward about 2 months. Late at night he out-of-the-blue texts me "Why aren't you here?" I was floored. He meant "Why aren't you here having sex with me at my apartment." I had made a huge emotional effort to get over him. I cried and wrote in my journal and all of that. On a friend's advice I even wrote a "break up letter" (that I didn't send to him) to really let my emotions out. I WISH that I had told him to get lost, but I ended up going to see him the next night and had sex with him. I haven't been with a guy in a long time and I was really lonely. Since then we've slept together a few times. I thought it had actually turned into kind of a nice FWB thing and was enjoying seeing him. He would usually text me when he was drunk at night and then we'd have sex the next morning. I realized that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him for a number of reasons. There's a 7 year age difference between us. He can be insensitive and callous. I feel like I'm more emotionally mature than he is even though I'm a bit younger. He was about to graduate from our program and I expected that he wasn't going to be around long term. He seemed to have no interest in dating and being monogamous. Last night he texted me (at almost 1 in the morning) "Why aren't you here?" I hadn't seen him at all over the holidays and even though my feelings for him have been subsiding I decided to go see him. I figured that we still have a physical connection and if neither of us wanted a relationship that FWB would be fine. I go over there and he is more drunk than I've seen him before. He did finally graduate but he doesn't have a job lined up yet. He seems to be under a lot of pressure to find a job but didn't want to talk about it. He said that he had missed me so much over the holidays. When we were in bed he asked me if I would move to another city with him. I flat-out told him no. He asked me if I would consider getting married. I told him I was too young to think about marriage. It seems clear to me that this sudden rush of affection is coming from his new, precarious position (and probably also the freedom of alcohol). He is no longer a full-time student and he is not working. I think he is trying to hold onto something positive and steady in his life while he works through this transition. I am angry and sad about this turn of events. A FWB relationship will no long work and I don't want to be in a relationship with this man. I don't want to have sex with him again, but I am worried about how to turn him down. I am really bad at confrontation and hate to hurt people's feelings. I'm especially worried because he seems to be having a hard time right now and I don't want to make things worse. I'm hoping that he just won't text me again, but if he does I don't know how to respond! Do you guys have any advice about letting him down easy if he texts me again? Link to post Share on other sites
Southerncross Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Sure. No relationship deserves to be ended by text. Talk to him. It can be on the phone, but adults talk to each other when difficult things need to be said. Be kind, but tell him exactly where you're at with him. Be clear. It accomplishes 2 things. First, it gives you the opportunity to say exactly what you need to say. Second, he gets to hear it from you directly. He may not like what you have to say, but he will respect you more for telling him directly. Plus he gets to know for sure that it's time to move on. A lot of relationships end with the other person not even knowing why it ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Is it bad that my honest first thought was that you should text him back, "Sorry I have plans"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Is it bad that my honest first thought was that you should text him back, "Sorry I have plans"? Same exact thought. That's how I've ended all my FWBs, really... at some point, one of us started not being as readily available and then things just faded. It's nice and clean, no confrontation, nothing. You're not in a proper relationship, so, if you don't want to, there is no need to explain to him what is going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 He is a FWB. What that means is that you talk to each other and that when you feel like a bit of penis he provides and when he wants a hole to poke his into he calls you. It really is that basic and crass. There is no relationship here. He just calls when he wants sex that is all. There is no emotional investment from him. You don't need to give him an excuse. Personally as the calls come through at an ungodly hour I would just block his number and be done. then you can at least get a decent nights sleep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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