Can't get past this... New here.

[Ralph79]

Given this info...

 

Your xH sounds like he has serious mental issues. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes it takes time for these behaviors to come afloat. Money and greed also changes people (usually not for the better).

 

You have amazing parents and a great kid. You are feeling confused because you don't know how he could've ended up that way. This is not on you. It's obvious to everyone you are 100% better of without him. And there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent this.

 

Hopefully you can start anew and keep your dreams intact. You don't need him to be honest.

[Akeru]

I understand what you mean about - how it's really impossible to call this man evil. I don't believe that, even now. I call him misguided perhaps, but not evil. I don't believe there are evil people, with the exception of those who do horrible things (murder, rape, etc.) - and obviously this is not the case, far from it.

 

I think his actions were evil, and terribly wrong and painful.

 

As far as being unhappy... what are the signs of that? I can give a laundry list of signs that showed he adored me up until this OW came into his life. I honestly don't believe I am just making it up to feel better either.

 

This is a man, who kissed me every night before bed, he kissed me every morning before he left for work - telling me, "I love you". He would call or text me throughout the day, telling me he missed me, and loved me - and couldn't wait to be home. Once home, the 3 of us were inseparable - we did everything together - we would talk from the moment he got home, until the moment we went to bed. There was never a lack of conversation in this house, we could talk about anything. I never wondered or worried where he was, he left before work, and was home 20 minutes after work. If he went out with friends or family, I knew where he was - and I typically was usually invited to go along - sometimes I did, sometimes not. He was romantic, and planned spontaneous things - to spice up our life, or spoil me. We took luxurious vacations, and he'd say things like "This is our life, how lucky are we?" He would write me a letter every Anniversary since year 1, until our last one - a very long, detailed letter - going into detail about what we shared, and what we did that year. He would even count the days we'd been together, and go through the numbers with me ...example "We've shared 1,000 Mondays/Tuesdays/Wednesdays....etc. together" and tell me how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me - that I was his soul mate, and how blessed he was". The gifts he bought me for Christmas or Birthdays, were always well thought out, and had meaning or significance. He would tell me how good a wife and mother I was. That he was amazed at how love could grow so strong, and he never thought it was possible to love someone the way he loved us (son and I). I obviously was the very same way, if not more so (IMO, now) towards him. I literally would have done anything for him, I adored that man.

 

It just doesn't seem true, that he was unhappy. If he was, he sure had a good way of hiding it. IMO, you don't do what we did, and had - by being unhappy. I just don't see that as possible.... maybe I'm completely wrong and that is why I'm here today.

 

You can see why, when this OW came into his life - and slowly, yet quickly (months) he went from absolutely "all about his family" to "all about her" - was it so obvious something was going on.

[Ralph79]

It's difficult to understand. He did love you from the looks of it. Life is really unpredictable though.

 

I will share this with you:

 

The first time I was going to spent a night away from my wife (very early in our marriage), she cried on the phone because I wasn't coming home to her. I was finishing a job in a city 2 hours away. She didn't have a car. I called her at 11:00 pm saying I wasn't going to make it. I proposed we could skype through the night. She hung up. Had family members of mine (she didn't have a car at the time), drive her over to me. And I was pleasantly stunned to see her out there. She got of the car without saying TY to the people that brought her and ran straight into me. She jumped up and straddled me and looked into my eyes (hers were completely red), and asked me why I had abandoned her. I held her tightly and whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I promised we would never sleep apart the rest of our lives (BTW as you can imagine my job got severely more complicated from that point on). She started laughing and kissing me non stop. (yes my relatives hadn't left and were like whoa, what's wrong with her).

 

She wouldn't sit in front of me in restaurants. She would always sit next to me whenever we ate alone. She always had an arm wrapped around mine.

 

She would always stare at me with the biggest grin and look star struck. That made me feel incredible. She would have this face on disbelief that she was married to me. And when she got pregnant, she called everyone in her family and started making a list of everything she wanted our kid to have.

 

And when she came back after leaving me for her xBF she pleaded, cried, sang, and drew pictures (which were adorable btw) of how our lives were going to be from now on.

 

Yet....

 

She confessed to only coming back to get out of her abusive house knowing full well the damage she would do when she would inevitably leave me again which he had planned on already.

She confessed to aborting our kid.

Her mother confessed she admitted to only marrying me for the purpose of getting alimony the day of the wedding. She said I had been so good to her and her family that I deserved to be told the truth. (Honestly I think she also got tired of my pleas to my wife to reconsider).

 

I was fooled. But I truly believe your xH was more sincere than my xW ever was in your relationship, but my point is :

 

People that truly love us, empathize with our feelings and wouldn't hurt us this way. Regardless of motive. It doesn't matter why it got to this point. What matters is that we're already here and what's important is what we do with ourselves from now on.

 

You can't drive through life looking at the rear view mirror. Don't blame yourself. For all you know he could be Bipolar like my wife was. This isn't the OW's doing either. This is HIS doing. Maybe in time you will be able to see things you don't see today.

[TashaTudor]

Akeru.

 

I am sorry you had to endure so much from this man.

 

I can tell you that the hurting comes in waves. Some big ones but eventually they get smaller.

 

Be as nice to yourself as possible. Let it all out.

 

This is a great site and keep posting. You'll get through this. You will!

[Akeru]

Thank you Tasha, appreciate your kind response. You're right, this is a great site filled with warm caring people. I wish I found it sooner, before I screwed up my chance of ever getting him back. I think I did that, and now its too late.

 

Thank you everyone for your kindest replies and advice, I want you all to know I've read it all, again and again. It helps to read it, and try to absorb it.

 

I know I haven't been around much, but I've been having a really rough go of things these past week or so, and I feel like I'm just about ready to throw in the towel and say forget it. I am so tired of this feeling of "lost". You hear about those people who don't live long after their spouse/partner dies, typically in old age - after many many years of love. I feel like, this is going to be me. Recently, I feel like I'm just not doing well, and its scary. Earlier today, I got really dizzy and faint - and I don't know if its from exhaustion and not eating & drinking right (dehydration) or - if its something worse. I have been exercising a lot, so sweating a lot - and maybe I'm just not watching that I'm not drinking enough water - or, is it my body telling me heart break is setting in? Seriously, not trying to be mellow dramatic, but - I'm THAT confused - that I don't know whats right and whats wrong.

 

I want to call my ex so bad, and tell him to go be with me - no strings attached, just be with me - sit with me - protect me. I'm scared of being alone.

 

I feel guilty too. I feel guilty, that I can't grow the hell up and shake this off and be a better person - the person I am used to being. My son depends on me. Of course I do a lot with him now, probably even more than ever before on such a daily basis - to keep us both occupied - (the exhaustion thing I talked about above). But.. I still feel like, I could be better, I could do more, I could be happier for him. He never sees me cry.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Akeru

[Josmatjes]

In-laws and that side of the family. Keep in mind, they are a very religious family - they are people who pride themselves on their religion and being very holy people. Their world revolves around the church, and they let it be known that they find themselves to be very "good" people b/c of it - I can't tell you how many times they preach it. In our church, divorce is considered wrong. One of my SIL's actually married a divorced man, they hold a grudge against this man - only because of that. He's a good guy, but they hold a grudge against him. It's very plain.

 

So...

 

They haven't once, reached out to me or my son - not one of them (and its a very large family) - they've never called us or tried to reach out to us in any way shape or form. It was as if, we didn't exist anymore.

 

When the emotional abuse continued with ex, and him basically never seeing his son - or even so much as calling him. I took action. I went to my therapist, my attorney and family and friends and asked them all if I was doing the right thing before I did it. They all encouraged me, to speak up. So, I did. I called them, and they were willing to talk - so I asked, would you mind if I stopped over? They were open to it, seemed welcoming. So I went alone (my son was in school). I explained the situation, and told them I could use their help in getting their son to think about what he was doing and how it was damaging his son. They were nice, the whole time I was there. I was nice too, never nasty - I did cry once or twice. I also felt the need to tell them, that I loved them very much and they were always welcome to come visit us anytime they wanted. I thought, maybe they needed to hear that - maybe that is why they've been silent - b/c they don't know what I think of them, type of thing. So, I wanted to get that out there. I left. Later that evening, several hours later - they called me, and told me "We're going to stay out of it, Sorry - Bye"

 

OK.. I spent the rest of the night crying - I couldn't believe they were so unwilling to help us, and try to talk to their son. I never once, told them - try to get him to come home. That never once came out of my mouth, I made a deal with myself - that this wasn't my intentions on visiting them. It was entirely about my sons well being. I did mention a few times about how aggressive he was acting out towards me, and that it was frightening. But that is about the extent of it.

 

Since that day, I never did hear from them (or any of them) again. They knew I was alone on the holidays, and they never called to say Merry Christmas, they didn't send a card (and they always used to send us a card when we were together, all of them did) - We didn't get one. When we used to get bad snow storms - they would call and make sure we were okay, and did we need anything. We live out in the country on windy roads - that often get overlooked by the plows. All the snowstorms we've had this winter - not one peep, from any of them. Including the ex. They know their son/brother isn't working - so, they have to know I am struggling financially, not to mention emotionally - and they never call - never ask if we need anything - nothing. This, coming from a family, who honors themselves in taking care of those less fortunate then them. But their "own family" - forget them.

 

So, this now brings me to... the only time they see or speak to my son, is when he is with his Dad. They make him bring him over. My son comes home, and tells me that all they want to do is talk about 'how I'm treating him'. Is mom being good to you? Then they tell him things like, you better stay in church, never leave church, etc. etc. etc. This coming from a family, who has basically abandoned someone that was a part of your family for 13 and 14 years --- and you're going to sit there and preach to my son, about staying in church? My son dislikes going over there now, because his grandma sits there and tries to gather gossip. He tells me she bosses him around, and makes him call all his "aunts" while he is there, telling my son that he needs to make an effort to talk to them - What the heck? They don't, why should he - seriously? She is basically trying to turn my son against me, and towards her family. Is what I'm gathering. I don't like it, but not sure how to stop it without fighting to take him away from his Dad, and I don't think I should do that.

 

Ok ..... Just because you go to church doesn't mean your a Christian!! These people are awful all week but justify it by going to church. I was raised catholic and went to catholic school and I'm in my forties now and I have to tell you, some of the crappiest people I know go to church every Sunday!

Write them off and protect yourself! What about your family? Are they supportive?

Go no contact with him as soon as possible!

[LoveMyCat]

In-laws and that side of the family. Keep in mind, they are a very religious family - they are people who pride themselves on their religion and being very holy people. Their world revolves around the church, and they let it be known that they find themselves to be very "good" people b/c of it - I can't tell you how many times they preach it. In our church, divorce is considered wrong. One of my SIL's actually married a divorced man, they hold a grudge against this man - only because of that. He's a good guy, but they hold a grudge against him. It's very plain.

 

So...

 

They haven't once, reached out to me or my son - not one of them (and its a very large family) - they've never called us or tried to reach out to us in any way shape or form. It was as if, we didn't exist anymore.

 

When the emotional abuse continued with ex, and him basically never seeing his son - or even so much as calling him. I took action. I went to my therapist, my attorney and family and friends and asked them all if I was doing the right thing before I did it. They all encouraged me, to speak up. So, I did. I called them, and they were willing to talk - so I asked, would you mind if I stopped over? They were open to it, seemed welcoming. So I went alone (my son was in school). I explained the situation, and told them I could use their help in getting their son to think about what he was doing and how it was damaging his son. They were nice, the whole time I was there. I was nice too, never nasty - I did cry once or twice. I also felt the need to tell them, that I loved them very much and they were always welcome to come visit us anytime they wanted. I thought, maybe they needed to hear that - maybe that is why they've been silent - b/c they don't know what I think of them, type of thing. So, I wanted to get that out there. I left. Later that evening, several hours later - they called me, and told me "We're going to stay out of it, Sorry - Bye"

 

OK.. I spent the rest of the night crying - I couldn't believe they were so unwilling to help us, and try to talk to their son. I never once, told them - try to get him to come home. That never once came out of my mouth, I made a deal with myself - that this wasn't my intentions on visiting them. It was entirely about my sons well being. I did mention a few times about how aggressive he was acting out towards me, and that it was frightening. But that is about the extent of it.

 

Since that day, I never did hear from them (or any of them) again. They knew I was alone on the holidays, and they never called to say Merry Christmas, they didn't send a card (and they always used to send us a card when we were together, all of them did) - We didn't get one. When we used to get bad snow storms - they would call and make sure we were okay, and did we need anything. We live out in the country on windy roads - that often get overlooked by the plows. All the snowstorms we've had this winter - not one peep, from any of them. Including the ex. They know their son/brother isn't working - so, they have to know I am struggling financially, not to mention emotionally - and they never call - never ask if we need anything - nothing. This, coming from a family, who honors themselves in taking care of those less fortunate then them. But their "own family" - forget them.

 

So, this now brings me to... the only time they see or speak to my son, is when he is with his Dad. They make him bring him over. My son comes home, and tells me that all they want to do is talk about 'how I'm treating him'. Is mom being good to you? Then they tell him things like, you better stay in church, never leave church, etc. etc. etc. This coming from a family, who has basically abandoned someone that was a part of your family for 13 and 14 years --- and you're going to sit there and preach to my son, about staying in church? My son dislikes going over there now, because his grandma sits there and tries to gather gossip. He tells me she bosses him around, and makes him call all his "aunts" while he is there, telling my son that he needs to make an effort to talk to them - What the heck? They don't, why should he - seriously? She is basically trying to turn my son against me, and towards her family. Is what I'm gathering. I don't like it, but not sure how to stop it without fighting to take him away from his Dad, and I don't think I should do that.

 

That is a lot of phony BS religious s**t, treating you and your son this way because their twisted views don't believe in divorce, or whatever. They are not worth your time or pain. I hope you can find a church, if that is your choice, or better yet, a group of women going through situation like yours, in order to rebuild your self-esteem and help you start on a new path. All towns/cities seem to have support groups for women. Look online and see what is out there. Good luck.

[Ralph79]

Akeru

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I recall feeling that way as well. It doesn't matter if I tell you that things will get better. It doesn't matter if I tell you that you will be happy again. These words won't make the pain go away. Your pain is lingering because it's real. Because it hurts.

 

I hope you understand though, that you need to go through this in order to heal. Think of a wound on your skin. It bleeds, it burns, it hurts. But eventually it heals. Just like your soul will as well.

 

As you've found out, you can always find comfort in these forums. You are not alone. And you will find even greater comfort helping others and sharing your experiences and new found wisdom with others so that they may also feel comfort in your words.

 

P.S.: Your Ex knows how much you are hurting. If he didn't care to make it easy on you, don't expose yourself to getting hurt even more by contacting him. Don't even think about it. You are better alone right now than with a man in his current state of mind.

 

If there's one thing I've learned is that Karma is a mean .......

 

Live your life happily. Tend to your family and he will one day, see what he missed out on. It'll be up to you to let him back in, once you turn it around and fix the damage he left in his wake. I wouldn't.

[Akeru]

Thank you all, I swear when it rains it pours around here. Now I am dealing with my son all of a sudden not wanting to go as often, and reduce visitation time - and Wow. I am blown away. I've never been more confused and hurt, than I am these past several months and today is just a little more icing on that cake.

 

I am so confused as to why exh is so flipping difficult when it comes to our son, I mean - I even had my attorney tell him, that he would need to give me time each week, to go over our sons concerns if there were any - and he still doesn't! The only reason I did this is, because he simply won't do it.. now he at least replies in short stupid answers, after HOURS of waiting. But he is supposed to give me more help than he is. It's bad enough we don't get support from the man in the way of $ - but now, I can't even get normal parental advice/support from him.

 

I just posted a thread on it... Son doesn't want to go to Dads or something like that.

 

 

Anyway - as for me... I have pretty much cried all day, I'm crying now too - b/c of this current situation I'm at the moment going through. I had to take a break and come spill/vent. I feel like I have NO ONE.

 

To answer your questions, Yes my family has been extremely supportive - but, they are out of the country right now - and I can't get in touch with them. My friends don't get it - and I really don't have much support from them, other than - they act like they care and they are incredibly sweet and kind - but they don't have any advice as they've never been through this before, none of my friends are divorced - except one, and she doesn't have kids. So, everything is different.

 

Ralph, yes I believe in karma.. and I hope there really is truth to it. I also hope he one day realizes the mistakes he made. To me, it seems like he just plain doesn't care though.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Akeru

[justaplottwist]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

 

I, too, have had a husband who I thought seemingly "changed overnight" and left my son and I.

 

Over the past year, I have been at the lowest of lows in my life. I finally have come "out of the fog" and am seeing things more clearly.

 

I can tell you...one thing that helped me....was understanding that a lot of the pain and anguish you feel that goes to the core of your being....is really your actual brain trying to heal/understand/rewire.

 

Once I understood that sometimes the hardcore emotions I was feeling was just the brain's natural process of trying to get through the event.....I didn't beat myself up wondering why I had such awful, down days. It was just part of the process. And the more you are connected to someone, the tougher the job your brain has to go through to begin disconnecting emotionally.

 

Your pain shows that your were invested in your relationship....and that should be worn like a badge of honor. It means you have the capacity to care....love....connect to another human being on a deep level.

 

An unfortunately....our brain doesn't work on a "quick" schedule. It takes some time for it to work through the emotions and trauma of the events that led up to it.

 

Like what has been said on this forum thousands of times....it takes time. It just does.

 

Find ways to support yourself gently during you and your brain's healing. Good friends, support groups, therapists, places you like to go.....they all help.

 

The better you are taking care of yourself....being patient with yourself..allowing yourself time to heal..and the knowledge that it is a process you can't control.....the better you be will for your son.

 

I'm so very sorry for your pain.....and everyone else's here too. It breaks my heart to see so many good people hurting like this.

[justaplottwist]

I can also say that a local divorce group really, really helped me. Because until you go through the pain of divorce, it's very hard to understand. Even some of my good friends seemed a bit apathetic....not intentionally...they just didn't know how it felt.

 

I've made some incredible friends in my group....and we have saved each other at different times.

[OpenBook]

Why can't YOU run the company?

[Akeru]

Justaplottwist, Thank you for your words - they mean a lot. I am so unbelievably amazed, at the pain something like this causes - it just doesn't make sense. I seem to recall, thinking about things when I was younger - telling myself, things that would be unforgivable to me, and one of them was this. Cheating. Yet, when it actually happens, completely different story. All that self-respect for yourself goes out the window, and in comes the opposite of self-respect - can't think of the word. It's like I am sitting here admitting, I don't deserve better... and it doesn't make sense. Love is blind.

 

I went to my priest today - I thought, perhaps I needed spiritual guidance - I hadn't tried that yet (besides prayer - but obviously that didn't work) and you know... I think actually sitting with him like that did a lot for me. He was so kind and compassionate and understanding. Making me realize, it was out of my hands, and I was not to blame. He said, I know you - you are a good person, your son is a wonderful child - and both of you were betrayed terribly, and that I needed to be more patient - and continue praying. So, I guess I will. He even said, sometimes it helps to pray for EX. So, I'll try. Maybe, that will give me some more closure. I don't know.

[Akeru]

Openbook, I didn't/don't run the company because my son has some special needs, and he was homeschooled and has physical therapy twice a week, and language therapy once a week. It was my responsibility to care for him, and I actually did help run the business quite a bit, after hours and on days I could get away.

 

Since the divorce, I have had to put my son back in school, however I still take him to tutoring twice a week, pt - twice a week, and language once a week. So, there is 5 afternoons booked solid right there. I do help out with the business while he is in school from time to time, but - right now, it is back in my dad's hands, as I just have so much on my plate right now with being the sole responsible parent to my son, on top of the emotional pain I am in - dealing with this divorce, and it's also hard being in that company - knowing, this is the place my ex and OW did God knows what in there. I probably should've soaked the place down in Lysol. I simply just don't have enough hours in the day to dedicate to a full-time business.

Edited January 25, 2015 by Akeru

[jimmy1968]

When I asked my wife for a divorce, which I did. I still felt I loved her. Even though she has BPD. We got good at having sex, and kept getting together and it would always cost me in the long run.

 

I had a really bad childhood and have lots of fears of being alone. It's been almost 7 months since she left and I'm doing lots of things to keep my mind off it. Cross Country Sking, dancing, hanging and meeting new friends. I just bought a new car.

 

I still think about her, but the fact that I'm enjoying life way more than when I was taking care if her is a big plus. It it seems to get better every month and the last past or three months ago feel like a dream.

 

You will be ok, but cut the cord bro. It will just prolong your pain.

[justaplottwist]

Please know you aren't alone when it comes to these situations....whatever you are feeling....regardless of how you thought you might handle it...is completely normal.

 

I think there is quite a long period of shock as we gather our senses to figure out what is going on and how we are just going to survive.

 

I'm so glad you were able to talk with your priest. Just the reassurance of what you know about yourself and your child can begin to rid your mind of all those terrible self depricating messages that run through it during these situations. You aren't alone with that "opposite of self respect" behavior. Quite honestly...that's a survival mechanism too.

 

When our security is destroyed, especially by our spouse....you are just looking for a way to stop the destruction. And that often comes at the price of our self respect. Completely normal. I would think that if you immediately reacted with a shrug and a "okay..that's fine...great knowing you" to your situation....THAT would be a bigger problem.

 

And I think when you have children, all those "I would never's" go out the door....at least in the beginning.

 

When the fog lifts of this.....and it will....you'll look back at yourself with compassion. Even the parts that may make you cringe. You are a human being going through a very traumatic event.

 

I have no regrets of what I tried to do to save my family. And I did some embarrassing (to me) things. I did what I thought I had to do at the time. Would I do it now...at this point? Absolutely not. But I've grown and strengthened ....and it's taken almost a year...and I'm not done yet. I still have my days where something hits a part of my brain that hasn't completely healed....and I cry....or get angry...or whatever the emotion is at that point.

 

But not as long....and not as deeply.

 

I'm very glad you were in the company of a compassionate person. That will help heal you. Continuing to be around people who remind you of your wonderful qualities will do wonders and strengthen you.

 

You aren't alone....at all. Even if it feels like it sometimes. I'm glad you reached out here.

[LoveMyCat]

Try to think what advice you would give a friend if she were in your situation. Would you think he was worth being depressed over? Or would you suggest she take the opportunity to make a new life for herself and if he somehow fits into it later on, under her terms, then fine, if not, she will be stronger and able to resume life as an independent person?

[kenmore]

Akeru, I apologize if I say something that has been said, but I am ill now and can't read three pages of so much hurt!

 

First, my condolences of how things have been going. Your experience echoes mine except for the other person, and that is the one thing I would never tolerate. Same with my wife, and so a third person is a deal killer for either of us.

 

That said, everyone has their own limits. you seem like such a wonderful lovely woman that I find it painful that someone would treat you this way! WTF? I just feel it's so unjust to treat anybody like dirt, and that's what he has been doing.

 

You deserve so much better, but I know what you mean. I still want my wife now even though she has made it clear she wishes to "be alone" which is one thing you said that he said, though you later said he wasn't.

 

That is so hurtful!

 

Obviously none of us can tell you how to feel. I respect that you love him and want him back. I still feel that way about my wife. Nobody here will ever tell me otherwise, and once I figure it out (if I do), then it will be my decision. Until then, I want her!

 

Honestly, you need to form your feelings based upon what you are living. The one thing that seems to be causing you most of your trouble is how your son feels.

 

I had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I had spent more time with her than her biological father before we broke up! That really says something. In fact, I realized that only three years into our relationship. I WAS her male role model.

 

To this day I love her and wish I could just see her. It's another hurt.

 

I'm doing some growing and learning now. I am realizing how crappy people treat each other. I had a wonderful wife in my first marriage which lasted 17 years and all that could end it was what did: she died. I expected as much from this marriage and what ended it was my lack of meaningful income. That seems so petty to me, but I realize it isn't in so many women's eyes.

 

Whatever. It has made me more resilient and tough outside. I don't even wish to date anymore. I feel that is the single worst thing that came from this relationship.

 

You can do better. Trust me, you can find a man who really loves you! One who will stick with you through thick and thin, not just thin like he did. We both deserve so much more! I understand how hard that is to accept from a stranger, especially one who can't truly believe it himself, but it must be true! We deserve happiness, and we will get it!

 

HUGS!!!

 

Please keep posting here, you are among friends.

 

Ken