I feel ready to talk about it...

[AllGoodThings]

I always thought my past struggles would lead to something worthy eventually. I was always about doing the right things and still am. But why even be good when where-ever you go, whatever you do, or however you are evil follows you no matter what?

 

I loved my wife. Never took her for granted for a second. I met her 2 years before I knew I wanted to marry her. Never have I met someone so beautiful and so perfect for me. I thought that God finally rewarded me for getting through so much in my life, even as a child. So many girls I had been with used me and made fun of me when I first came to America. Then there is the painful reminder how I lost my father early. Remember burying him with my brothers on a cold snowy evening. And then, I had to be far away from my family since I left to come to America and make a better life for myself as a 17 yr old kid. I had so many struggles being alone here just growing from a boy to a man. Despite all that and after 11 years of turning my life into something meaningful again, here I am, the most miserable I have ever been in my life. Something I never thought was possible given what I had been through already.

 

It has been more than 6 months since I found out. Her explanations, reasons, or any other bull**** makes no sense to me. I have asked the sames questions about thousand times and still don't get how this could have happened to me. I tried so many times to make it work but I now realize it's not possible. It's not possible because I can't live with it. I can't in any way picture myself ever letting go of it. As time passed, I was able to picture letting go of her but I still can't picture myself with anyone else.

 

With my mind made up already that I won't be with her anymore, I see no picture afterwards. I see myself doing nothing meaningful anymore. All the dreams I had was involving her. She has been nothing but remorseful, regretful, and a perfect wife. She was depressed. I forced her to go to IC. I myself did IC for about 10 weeks. She still is going for IC. Especially after I let her know that I will divorce her in another couple of months once the lawyer gets everything settled.

 

I just helped her get a job that pays very well. After that, I just hit rock bottom again. Her getting a job with what I already make, we were going to buy our dream house and then get ready to have a child. It took a lot for her to get that job. Its what we both had planned for a long time. Its a dream job for anyone. It was as if, my dream came true but I can't have it anymore and that's when I hit rock bottom. I thought to myself, I try to do everything right and reach my goals to make my dreams come true, yet somehow, I can't have it. Miserable life.

 

I tried forcing myself but I now know I can't let go of what she did. As I am typing all this and tearing up at the same time, I wanted to hear something from those of you who know how I feel. I wasn't ready to talk about this before because I was afraid. After reading a lot in this forum, I realized I have nothing to fear.

 

Tell me please, is there a purpose in this life after something like this? If there is, what is it?

[fellini]

What you are going through is completely "normal". I think everyone here who is a BS knows what you are going through and will have lots of great insight in how to deal with this.

 

You are in IC, this is good. Now i would like to make an observation - only based on what I have here, so it's an observation only.

 

Your entire post screams of entitlement issues. Im not speaking about the infidelity, but about how you seem to see the world and what it is supposed to do for you. What it owes you. Only an observation. If this is even remotely true of your general personality it will affect your recovery.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, we don't have much info about the infidelity itself to go on, but if the truth is there is no future for the two of you, your assessment about any future with another human being is most probably in error. You would have to believe that there was only ever one person for you in this life, and that you somehow crossed the Atlantic to find her, and now she is gone. Imho it just doesn't work like that. If you must leave her, work on your self and open your eyes and heart to another. Or not. Either way you will find happiness again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I always thought my past struggles would lead to something worthy eventually. I was always about doing the right things and still am. But why even be good when where-ever you go, whatever you do, or however you are evil follows you no matter what?

 

I loved my wife. Never took her for granted for a second. I met her 2 years before I knew I wanted to marry her. Never have I met someone so beautiful and so perfect for me. I thought that God finally rewarded me for getting through so much in my life, even as a child. So many girls I had been with used me and made fun of me when I first came to America. Then there is the painful reminder how I lost my father early. Remember burying him with my brothers on a cold snowy evening. And then, I had to be far away from my family since I left to come to America and make a better life for myself as a 17 yr old kid. I had so many struggles being alone here just growing from a boy to a man. Despite all that and after 11 years of turning my life into something meaningful again, here I am, the most miserable I have ever been in my life. Something I never thought was possible given what I had been through already.

 

It has been more than 6 months since I found out. Her explanations, reasons, or any other bull**** makes no sense to me. I have asked the sames questions about thousand times and still don't get how this could have happened to me. I tried so many times to make it work but I now realize it's not possible. It's not possible because I can't live with it. I can't in any way picture myself ever letting go of it. As time passed, I was able to picture letting go of her but I still can't picture myself with anyone else.

 

With my mind made up already that I won't be with her anymore, I see no picture afterwards. I see myself doing nothing meaningful anymore. All the dreams I had was involving her. She has been nothing but remorseful, regretful, and a perfect wife. She was depressed. I forced her to go to IC. I myself did IC for about 10 weeks. She still is going for IC. Especially after I let her know that I will divorce her in another couple of months once the lawyer gets everything settled.

 

I just helped her get a job that pays very well. After that, I just hit rock bottom again. Her getting a job with what I already make, we were going to buy our dream house and then get ready to have a child. It took a lot for her to get that job. Its what we both had planned for a long time. Its a dream job for anyone. It was as if, my dream came true but I can't have it anymore and that's when I hit rock bottom. I thought to myself, I try to do everything right and reach my goals to make my dreams come true, yet somehow, I can't have it. Miserable life.

 

I tried forcing myself but I now know I can't let go of what she did. As I am typing all this and tearing up at the same time, I wanted to hear something from those of you who know how I feel. I wasn't ready to talk about this before because I was afraid. After reading a lot in this forum, I realized I have nothing to fear.

 

Tell me please, is there a purpose in this life after something like this? If there is, what is it?

[No Limit]

Just because your soon-to-be-ex turned out to be no better than the many girls that used you, doesn't mean there's no purpose in life. I'd strongly suggest you look for pursuits for yourself alone, it's just too risky to build your world completely on another person, as you well know now.

 

Guess your 'wife' tried to look for 'better offers' in her new job. Better to leave her than unknowingly raise the child of another man.

Edited January 16, 2015 by No Limit

[gettingstronger]

6 months seems like an eternity because it hurts so much, but in the scheme of recovery from infidelity you are still in the starting phase- they say it takes 3-5 years which I thought was bull until I lived it- I am 2 years out and some days it still feels like day one- they get fewer and further between but when they hit, they are awful-

 

Take it slow, understand this is normal-give yourself time to grieve but each day try to be a little better than the day before-

 

Hang in there-

[TrustedthenBusted]

There are 7.2 Billion people on the Earth. Half of them are going to cheat on the other half eventually.

 

That's a lot of screwing around. What you are going through sucks, but it's been happening to people since the dawn of time. There is plenty to live for.

 

Your parents didn't give birth to you so you could call it quits someday just because some girl couldn't keep her knees shut.

 

It hurts bad, but even the worst burns heal eventually.

[drifter777]

If you truly believe that you will never be able to accept that she had sex with another man then you should end the marriage now and start a new life. Of course you can't picture life after divorce - you have no experience with that and no point of reference. But that doesn't mean it would be a bad thing. It would be a different thing and maybe that will be the way you can regain your self-esteem and begin to truly heal from this traumatic event.

[AllGoodThings]

What you are going through is completely "normal". I think everyone here who is a BS knows what you are going through and will have lots of great insight in how to deal with this.

 

You are in IC, this is good. Now i would like to make an observation - only based on what I have here, so it's an observation only.

 

Your entire post screams of entitlement issues. Im not speaking about the infidelity, but about how you seem to see the world and what it is supposed to do for you. What it owes you. Only an observation. If this is even remotely true of your general personality it will affect your recovery.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, we don't have much info about the infidelity itself to go on, but if the truth is there is no future for the two of you, your assessment about any future with another human being is most probably in error. You would have to believe that there was only ever one person for you in this life, and that you somehow crossed the Atlantic to find her, and now she is gone. Imho it just doesn't work like that. If you must leave her, work on your self and open your eyes and heart to another. Or not. Either way you will find happiness again.

 

Yeah I have already made up my mind. This marriage is over and I want to move away from all this as far as I possibly can. I feel like I'm entitled? Maybe to some degree since the d-day. I didn't come all the way here to find love. It just happened. I never felt I deserved or earned a girl who was perfect for me and all. It just happened and I felt grateful because I truly thought I got lucky. Yeah, I really lucked out there.

 

She is feeling remorseful to no end. Begging for forgiveness every chance she gets but to me it's too much to overcome for me. I don't want to live a life with someone who is going to be a constant reminder that I couldn't respect myself enough to end the marriage. At first, I thought I could forgive her but I guess that's the process I had to go through in order to realize that I can't do something against my own will.

[evanescentworld]

I hope to goodness you never end up doing anything that someone else will consider utterly unforgivable, no matter how much remorse you show....

 

To be this intransigent is harmful, to yourself more than to her, or anyone else.

to harbour such anger and resentment is like buying poison for someone else, then drinking it yourself.

Anger, ultimately, destroys us first, no matter who it's aimed at.

 

Your attitude is self-sabotaging and self-destructive.

If you cannot find some peace, WITHIN this situation, it will haunt you through your darkest days, until the end.

And it will all have been self-inflicted.

 

I take nothing away from what she may have done (we are still not entirely clear on what has exactly happened) but for you to have this much animosity can only ultimately destroy you from within.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you will get through this with or without her. The choice she made to have an affair had very little to do with you even though it is you that ultimately gets devastated. Infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show to another. People that cheat are ether broken or just plain selfish with little respect for boundaries. Not all marriages or relationships survive infidelity, divorcing or deciding on reconciliation are both right answers. She knows as an adult right from wrong, she still chose to have an affair and in doing so had to consider that the marriage would end if discovered, again, she chose to have an affair. The damage being caused is not by your threat of divorce but by the acts she freely performed with the other man, someone she brought into your marriage. You had no choice in that decision, what you had was trust and faith in her that she would protect you when you were not there to do it yourself. These are vows you made to yourselves in front of God and witness's, yours still stands.

 

She could have stopped herself before she crossed that line but instead chose to convince herself that for what ever reason she was entitled to her affair. Do not let her guilt become your guilt, nothing you did pushed her into the arms of another man. Do not compromise yourself anymore than you already have, if you can't get over the betrayal than do what you need to do so you can start the process of healing. This is now your choice, you are not breaking up the marriage, that started when she took your time, her love for you and shared that with another man(you were giving her 100% of you but she was only giving you 50% of herself, the O/M was getting the other 50%), all you are doing is finishing what she started.

 

How was the affair discovered? Did she continue to lie after discovery? How long was the affair? Have you been tested for STD's? Listen to your lawyer.

[AllGoodThings]

Friend, you will get through this with or without her. The choice she made to have an affair had very little to do with you even though it is you that ultimately gets devastated. Infidelity is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show to another. People that cheat are ether broken or just plain selfish with little respect for boundaries. Not all marriages or relationships survive infidelity, divorcing or deciding on reconciliation are both right answers. She knows as an adult right from wrong, she still chose to have an affair and in doing so had to consider that the marriage would end if discovered, again, she chose to have an affair. The damage being caused is not by your threat of divorce but by the acts she freely performed with the other man, someone she brought into your marriage. You had no choice in that decision, what you had was trust and faith in her that she would protect you when you were not there to do it yourself. These are vows you made to yourselves in front of God and witness's, yours still stands.

 

She could have stopped herself before she crossed that line but instead chose to convince herself that for what ever reason she was entitled to her affair. Do not let her guilt become your guilt, nothing you did pushed her into the arms of another man. Do not compromise yourself anymore than you already have, if you can't get over the betrayal than do what you need to do so you can start the process of healing. This is now your choice, you are not breaking up the marriage, that started when she took your time, her love for you and shared that with another man(you were giving her 100% of you but she was only giving you 50% of herself, the O/M was getting the other 50%), all you are doing is finishing what she started.

 

How was the affair discovered? Did she continue to lie after discovery? How long was the affair? Have you been tested for STD's? Listen to your lawyer.

 

I did get tested right away. I am clean. I found out by seeing a message on her phone which I never bothered to check. She lied even after it was all out there. After couple of weeks, I threatened to leave her that one day and she confessed to everything. At least I think that's everything since I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. It had been going on for 5 months before I caught her. And yes, it was emotional and physical on several occasions.

 

It has all been devastating because I truly loved her with everything I have.

[aliveagain]

I did get tested right away. I am clean. I found out by seeing a message on her phone which I never bothered to check. She lied even after it was all out there. After couple of weeks, I threatened to leave her that one day and she confessed to everything. At least I think that's everything since I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. It had been going on for 5 months before I caught her. And yes, it was emotional and physical on several occasions.

 

It has all been devastating because I truly loved her with everything I have.

 

It is rare you get all the truth at confrontation, she and other man had 5 months to plan for their day of discovery(DD), you had only just found out and it's hard to make a decision that big when your in shock. You have now given it more than 6 months so your decision wasn't rushed.They always lie about the amount of sex, about using protection and almost always say that the sex wasn't that good yet go back for more over and over again. Had she not been caught they would still be in their affair which makes you wonder as a betrayed spouse, are you her back up plan? Have you exposed the other man? He needs a consequence so he doesn't come after one of our wives or girlfriends. There is nothing that says you can't marry each other again if it's meant to be, at least you would know who your marrying and have a proper post nuptial agreement in place in case of a future infidelity. Don't doubt yourself, the conflict going on inside you is your heart doesn't want to believe what your brain knows to be true.

[aliveagain]

I always thought my past struggles would lead to something worthy eventually. I was always about doing the right things and still am. But why even be good when where-ever you go, whatever you do, or however you are evil follows you no matter what?

 

I loved my wife. Never took her for granted for a second. I met her 2 years before I knew I wanted to marry her. Never have I met someone so beautiful and so perfect for me. I thought that God finally rewarded me for getting through so much in my life, even as a child. So many girls I had been with used me and made fun of me when I first came to America. Then there is the painful reminder how I lost my father early. Remember burying him with my brothers on a cold snowy evening. And then, I had to be far away from my family since I left to come to America and make a better life for myself as a 17 yr old kid. I had so many struggles being alone here just growing from a boy to a man. Despite all that and after 11 years of turning my life into something meaningful again, here I am, the most miserable I have ever been in my life. Something I never thought was possible given what I had been through already.

 

It has been more than 6 months since I found out. Her explanations, reasons, or any other bull**** makes no sense to me. I have asked the sames questions about thousand times and still don't get how this could have happened to me. I tried so many times to make it work but I now realize it's not possible. It's not possible because I can't live with it. I can't in any way picture myself ever letting go of it. As time passed, I was able to picture letting go of her but I still can't picture myself with anyone else.

 

With my mind made up already that I won't be with her anymore, I see no picture afterwards. I see myself doing nothing meaningful anymore. All the dreams I had was involving her. She has been nothing but remorseful, regretful, and a perfect wife. She was depressed. I forced her to go to IC. I myself did IC for about 10 weeks. She still is going for IC. Especially after I let her know that I will divorce her in another couple of months once the lawyer gets everything settled.

 

I just helped her get a job that pays very well. After that, I just hit rock bottom again. Her getting a job with what I already make, we were going to buy our dream house and then get ready to have a child. It took a lot for her to get that job. Its what we both had planned for a long time. Its a dream job for anyone. It was as if, my dream came true but I can't have it anymore and that's when I hit rock bottom. I thought to myself, I try to do everything right and reach my goals to make my dreams come true, yet somehow, I can't have it. Miserable life.

 

I tried forcing myself but I now know I can't let go of what she did. As I am typing all this and tearing up at the same time, I wanted to hear something from those of you who know how I feel. I wasn't ready to talk about this before because I was afraid. After reading a lot in this forum, I realized I have nothing to fear.

 

Tell me please, is there a purpose in this life after something like this? If there is, what is it?

 

It's about making a masterpiece out of what is your life. It is time for you to transcend your own limitations, the world is full of clues. They say if your willing to take a chance and step out of your own comfort zone you will discover that life begins at the very point your comfort zone ends. As an artist I paint places that people can not go to by themselves. My art is a map of where I have been, it is the evidence I have brought back of other dimensions to share with everyone and to help me expand my own parameters of what is.

 

I read that if you follow your bliss the Universe will open doors for you where once there were walls.

 

Our thoughts shape our spaces so it is very important you understand that you AllGoodThings have been given the freedom to compose your life. The chaotic ride that you have been on is now a blank canvas and you are not bound by any limits. All you have to do to start this process is flex your creative muscles and make it happen.