Analysis for OM

[sleepingbeauty9]

I have been married for 8 years now and my husband and I have been distant past couple of years because he was too busy in his work. Everytime I would address this he would not do anything about it and basically just was living his own life, while I was busy with my kids. I am more social by nature and like talking to friends whereas he is an introvert. Anyhow, we had moved to a new country so I was trying to make new friends and also tried to stay in touch with my friends back home. One of my friends who is also married with kids has been my friend for 12 years. We used to talk a lot since I had moved, and then about 2 years ago. We started talking on a regular basis getting to know more about each other and got attracted to each other, which resulted in a cyber friendship or more like a friends with benefits relationship. We had a break in the middle for about 8 months because he felt guilty and thought it wasn't right. I, on the other hand enjoyed his compliments, appreciation and just how he made me feel that found it hard to let go off.

 

Finally he came back to me again, and we stayed like this for about 6 months before I went back home but got caught when I had a phone swap there with my husband. My friend instantly backed out saying it was best for us to cut off all ties because if I needed reconciliation this was important. My husband treated me really badly on discovery with abuse in every form and it didnt end even though I apologized and tried everything to do to make it work.

 

I spoke to my friend like twice in this whole thing, and he was talking to me normally. We obviously knew we did not want to engage in anything sexual and just wanted to keep the friendship which is what I wanted more than him. Anyhow, he did not want to talk to me at home anymore saying if his wife did find out at some point about us at least he could tell her he wasn't in touch with me anymore. And also because he knew my situation was really bad and by him staying in the equation would only make it worse.

 

Anyhow I still wanted him as a friend but on his birthday I messaged to wish him and my husband hacked into my google account and caught me. To cut the story short, my husband threatened my friend to tell his wife and tell my parents and give me a divorce. My friend told me that we should not be talking and he understands how things are tough for me but he cannot stay in this anymore.

 

So here I am, missing him obviously because my life is hell, but more than that it is important to me to know for myself how he felt about me to move on. My girlfriend says that he played me and knew his game all along and the minute we got caught he fleed because thats what was always decided to begin with. I feel he did care for me but I do not want to be blinded thus I need your opinions as to how to move on and what to think of this.

 

We had a great friendship where he would share everything with me on a daily basis, message me all the time so apart from the sexual flirtation he could talk about anything with me, which he did not have from his wife. We never spoke about our marriages so really he claimed his marriage for perfect, and I too always wanted to remain in mine. We both knew we had a special connection and a really intense attraction that we were hoping would die down but it never really did. Apart from that obviously practically nothing else was discussed. His wife doesnt know anything and I wanted to saveguard his house from the mess but on second thoughts now should i actually tell his wife so he can feel the same suffering n truly understand how it feels to be alone.

 

What do you think?

 

Thank you

Edited January 16, 2015 by sleepingbeauty9

[sunburned]

I'm not clear, was this a PA or only an EA? I assume it started as just an EA since you were in different countries. Did it turn sexual when you moved home before your H caught you?

 

I am a former WW who had a brief A with a MM. It was mostly emotional but did get slightly physical (not sexual). I do understand your pain as I really missed my MM's "friendship" and the daily banter when it was over. But I can reassure you that in time you won't miss it and you will see him more clearly for what he is -- liar, cheater and not much of a friend at all. It's hard to believe now because your feelings are so hurt and so raw. It will be a painful 3 or 4 months to feeling better.

 

I'm sure he really cared about you a lot, but he's putting his W and kids first and that's understandable, isn't it? He doesn't want what happened to you to happen to him and is probably thanking his lucky stars your husband hasn't spilled the beans. If MM were continuing to contact and harass you, then I would say tell his wife. But, if anything, it's the other way around. You still want a friendship with him. He doesn't and now you want revenge. I get it. But you would hurt her (his W) for no reason. You're a grown woman who knowingly had an A with a MM. You have to face the consequences. These things never end neatly. Sorry for your pain.

[Josmatjes]

I know what your going through. It's really painful because it's like a drug that you never got weened off if...it was just taken away!

 

But my advice is to let it go. If you are meant to stay friends then eventually you will be. But right now you need to just try to heal and let him go. Find someone else to talk to,you have to if you want to move on.

As far as your husband goes, I don't know what kind of abuse you are speaking of,but if it's that bad than you need to leave or at least separate.

Good luck....

[sleepingbeauty9]

Thank you for replying. I see what you are saying. It is painful and all this while i had protected him from getting into the same situation as mine. Ours was purely cyber so no PA even when I went back for the holiday. He was really clear that he did not want to cross the line of physical and wanted to keep it to cyber. I did not or never thought of revenge until a friend said i was used so i though i would post this here for a better neutral understanding.

 

My husband threatened to tell everyone about me which means family and his family and i suffered thru verbal abuse for 4 months and a couple

Of episodes of physical abuse which he claims he regrets but now for me emotionally i am in this for my kids only

[whatatangledweb]

I don't think he used you and I'm sure he did care about you. You both said you wanted to stay married so you should not be surprised that he is trying to protect his now. Wouldn't you do the same if the situation was reversed?

 

If you care about someone you do not destroy their world so they can be hurt and alone like you, which is why you said you wanted to tell. I know you are in pain and I'm sorry that you are. You have to let him go. Are you still planning to stay married?

[Poppy47]

For God's sake leave them alone.

If he wants his wife to know anything about himself, I'm sure he will tell her.

It's not your place to do so.

Poppy.

[sleepingbeauty9]

Don't get me wrong. I never had this thought ever to tell his wife. My husband was so adamant in telling her and I tried my every bit to save him from the turmoil I was going thru. The only reason why I even mentioned telling her was because I eventually starting going thru a lot of pain and feeling maybe he never really cared about me, maybe he just played me all along and I am the one who fell for it so for a fleeting minute I had this thought and I wasn't feeling good so I had to hear from someone else.

 

Thanks for the advise. I do intend on ruining his life. But I do really care about him and it is really hard to go on without him. I am just trying. He has blocked me on everything so there is no way of us being in touch really. I miss him and more so his friendship and just talking to him and sharing things with him but yes I have no option left but to let go.

 

As far as my marriage is concerned its going. We have two children so just trying to stabilize things for them to be a safe and loving environment but honestly my husband has hurt me a lot and after all what has happened I am not too sure if I can ever be the same person again. I feel really damaged and this is really a painful and lonely time for me.

[GoldieLox]

 

Thanks for the advise. I do intend on ruining his life. But I do really care about him and it is really hard to go on without him. I am just trying. He has blocked me on everything so there is no way of us being in touch really. I miss him and more so his friendship and just talking to him and sharing things with him but yes I have no option left but to let go.

 

Do not ruin his life. Pick up your bruised ego, be the bigger person, and walk away with a very important lesson learned.

[jellybean89]

 

As far as my marriage is concerned its going. We have two children so just trying to stabilize things for them to be a safe and loving environment but honestly my husband has hurt me a lot and after all what has happened I am not too sure if I can ever be the same person again. I feel really damaged and this is really a painful and lonely time for me.

 

So you want to hurt his wife, who is innocent in all this, just because he chose to cut you completely out of his life and shield his wife from the fallout of your husband findng out you were emotionally cheating? You do not "love" this guy cause if you did, you would not even think about calling his wife/telling his wife.

 

You say your H has hurt you? Ummm.. You cheated! Do you think that didn't hurt him?????? If you are so miserable in your marriage, leave, don't drag your children through dealing with a hostile home. Kids are innocent and they should not have to live in a home filled with tension, stress, anxiety and their parents fighting all the time. They deserve to live in a safe home. You may think they aren't aware, but they are. The damage you and their father are doing to them is selfish and irresponsible. Either fix the marriage or end it.

[sleepingbeauty9]

You are right. I dont want to hurt anyone. I was just asking thats all. Anyway, i know cheating hurts ones partner but after a period of being upset nothing justifies constant verbal abuse or threats or even physical abuse. Once you are discovered people have two choices to work on it or leave. If you do not want to put your energy in forgiving your partner n reconciliation or walk away from it. But eventually you have to make up your mind. My husband never did, he involved my parents in it and to the point where when i was suffering feeling like crap i found my husband years ago had communicated with random women and even intended to meet them for a fling which according to him never transpired.

Anyway i am not going to tell his wife like i said i thought of seeking another opinion because i had lost it in my head like a day back

[whatatangledweb]

You are right. I dont want to hurt anyone. I was just asking thats all. Anyway, i know cheating hurts ones partner but after a period of being upset nothing justifies constant verbal abuse or threats or even physical abuse. Once you are discovered people have two choices to work on it or leave. If you do not want to put your energy in forgiving your partner n reconciliation or walk away from it. But eventually you have to make up your mind. My husband never did, he involved my parents in it and to the point where when i was suffering feeling like crap i found my husband years ago had communicated with random women and even intended to meet them for a fling which according to him never transpired.

Anyway i am not going to tell his wife like i said i thought of seeking another opinion because i had lost it in my head like a day back

 

How long ago did your husband find out? His lashing out by name calling and saying mean things is normal for a BS. It can last several years. It will lessen over time. It is the pain that causes it. If you can not take it for that long, you should leave. It is called the rollercoaster of emotions. You can be having a great day and it all comes crashing down because the BS thought of the betrayal. Hitting someone is never okay. I know it hard on the WS especially after having an OW/OM that makes you feel great. You no longer have that person and your spouse isn't being nice because of their pain. It isn't a quick fix but alot of work to repair your marriage after an affair.

[sleepingbeauty9]

My husband found out 5.5 months ago and he was pretty much never forgiving or in a mood of reconciliation like its either you want to work it or you dont but he just wouldnt make up his mind and he had his episodes of flirtation and all too which I discovered in his email after i got discovered but he kept those under the wraps and thought it was okay. Even before i got involved with the MM i told my husband didn't communicate much and was busy in his own life and when i told him that i felt things could get ruined if he stayed like this he would not care or make any effort. Anyway i am not justifying my actions just saying i am in a tough situation which is really painful esp without the OM as he had been a good friend for years and now obviously the marriage isnt a source of comfort either.

[lynn1954]

Hi, sleepingbeauty:

 

 

I'm so sorry that you started in a marriage where you weren't getting appropriate attention and emotional support from your husband.

 

 

I'm sorry that your husband discovered that you found emotional support from your friend, an MM, and your husband has reacted badly and is not willing to work on your marriage.

 

 

You came to this forum to get some emotional support here, so rest assured that I understand how you feel, and I'm offering you some emotional support. Hang in there.

 

 

Unfortunately, in some situations where a marriage is missing love, caring, emotional support and other healthy stuff that everyone needs, but one or both partners do not want to try to improve the relationship, then sometimes one must decide to divorce.

 

 

Is that part of your thought process right now?

[sleepingbeauty9]

Well my husband said 3 weeks back that he wanted to work on this marriage but so we decided we need to be respectful and try and communicate and be civil for the children. Obviously because so much has transpired i do not see myself feeling the same way about him anymore. I have thought that futuristically separation or divorce would be a good option. I am not financially independent and i feel i need to build my career again. I am a stay at home mom so left work few years back when my older one was born.

 

So now i have just compromised with my life.its not a happy relationship i am in but hes loving to the kids and he said he wouldnt verbally abuse me.

However what i miss is my friend and i need to learn to let go and live happily without him and right now i feel so oddly detached and numb from everything that after all what has happened i do not even seem to recognize myself anymore.

[sleepingbeauty9]

I wrote my story a few days back but to cut it short. I knew this friend of mine for 10 years, we studied together in university where my husband and I also met. My friend and I stayed in touch and then around 2 years back we started talking more on a regular basis getting to know each other more. He is also married with 2 kids now and so am I. We established a great friendship and he shared everything with me, things he would not even share with his wife. When our friendship grew we started getting attracted to one another and started have a cyber thing going. We weren't in the same country so we hadn't met since our connection deepened. He always claimed to be in a perfect marriage and I on the other hand was an okay marriage but wanted more time and communication from my husband which I wasn't getting for quite some time.

 

The cyber sex followed by our friendship made it really hard to stop as the attraction was really intense. A few months later he called it off saying he felt guilty and how it wasn't right because we would lose each other eventually if we got caught and he never wanted to lose me. He also said how he knew our connection was special but it didn't make it right.

 

Finally we started working on forming a platonic friendship which was hard for me to go back to but I agreed. Eventually after a few months going off he came back to me and this time only stronger. I felt different vibes now, i could sense he cared more and felt stronger feelings from his side even though he admitted nothing. Finally after 6 months I went back home where he was and also where my husband caught our messages.

 

My husband was naturally really upset and not in a mood to reconcile like his emotions really were unpredictable. I wanted to keep my friend in my life but my friend said him and I couldnt remain friends and not right away atleast so i had no choice but to stop talking to him. After one or two months of NC, it was his birthday I messaged him and we started talking like old times until

My husband coincidently hacked into my gmail account and caught us talking.

 

My husband then forced me to call him and threatened to tell his wife and ruin his life and divorce me and tell my parents. My friend then told me never to msg him again as we shouldnt be talking. I too had no choice but to succumb to the threats and my friend therein blocked me everywhere.

 

Finally after a month I called him and told him how bad things were for me.he told me he understands but cannot be there because its not safe for me and its only going to cause further problems for me if we stay in touch. Either way we stopped talking. Its been a few weeks and naturally I miss him. I would love to have him back in my life even as a distant friend. His blocking me everywhere has hurt me a lot and naturally just talking to him

Made me feel good. Now i am alone and trying to let go. Do you think he will ever msg me again or do u think he cares for me genuinely or did my existence not matter to him at all.

 

I hope i can one day wake up not remembering him and sleep in peace too. Just doesnt happen anymore. I am in a painful space. Anyone have similar experiences or any opinions you would like to share. Thanks. I see no hope in anything anymore not even my marriage.

[Popsicle]

Of course you mattered to him. He loved you he just doesn't want both of your lives ruined any more. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe it would help if you too saw it as not right like he does. It is best, you know, if you never speak again. I hope you can see that one day. It doesn't sound like it's easy for him either to cut you out of his life. I hope you find peace again soon.

[jellybean89]

He has asked you a few times now to stop contacting him.. If you ever cared about him, listen to him..leave him alone. He doesn't want to lose his marriage. You may not care that you hurt your H, but he obviously cares about not hurting his wife.

 

Doesn't matter if he ever had feelings for you - outside of friendship. Doesn't change the fact that he told you to stop contacting him.

 

Since you don't care about your h or your marriage, end it so your h can find someone who respects him and doesn't cheat in him. Set him free. Then work on fixing yourself.

[sleepingbeauty9]

To jellybean

 

I cared about my husband and wanted to fix this until my husband started abusing me. I haven't trapped him or anything. You do not know the details of how much i have done for the marriage so please dont judge and past statements like this.

 

Secondly he said he didn't want me to contact him but he himself contacting me in the middle so its not like i was stalking him or anything . I did want a friendship but ever since the last episode we both have stopped talking to each other. I also dont call or msg him. But that doesn't mean i dont miss it but they r two different things

[Lurkeraspect]

Your marriage is dead. You have no feeling for him outside of whatever financial support he offers you. Please start working on a plan to leave your marriage. Get a job, save money, make a plan. If your husband is abusive to you, call the police, pack yours and the kids belongings and go to a woman's shelter or move back to your parents.

 

As for the other guy. Leave him alone. He's made it abundantly clear that he is finished with all of this. He's not going to swoop in and fix your messy marriage or leave his family for you, or be your emotional crutch. It's over. I'm sure it hurts, but it's very unlikely that any sort of friendship can come of this since you've crossed a line.

 

If anyone needs a divorce, it's you.

[Babs22]

Sleeping Beauty, I am sorry you are going through this. If your husband is truly abusing you, you need to get out. It is not healthy for your kids to see you in an abusive relationship. I think you should start going to counseling. You will get support that way and can work through how to leave your unhappy marriage. I know how it feels to love someone you cannot be with. It hurts badly. You need to find a way to help yourself and help your kids. I hope over time, it becomes easier for you.