Withholding visitation, new boyfriend on the scene

[plugga]

I am currently met with a bit of a situation, my toxic ex-wife, under our 'loose arrangement' has our children 12 nights a fortnight, and I have them 2 nights a fortnight (every second weekend).

 

She is a manipulator, I know she is presently lying to me (but have chosen not to call her out on it), and she also has a violent boyfriend (who I know about but again have chosen not to tell her I know), who also chimes in and tells her what to do/don't do with me and our shared parenting, egging her on to be mean and unreasonable, so it is all a bit messy...

 

Anyways, she has asked me to swap schedules to change which weekends I have our daughters. So far I simply said I can't because I already have things planned. This is somewhat true but I could if I had the strong desire to help and if she was being cooperative, but absent to that I figure why should I?

 

Since this she has now threatened several times that the girls will be "unavailable" when it is my fortnight weekend with them...meaning if I miss that, it will be a month between my girls seeing me or spending time with me. They are young (only 1 & 3) and I do want to be in their lives, I have been a great dad to them ever since born.

 

So far this has just been threats, I always respond by insisting that I will be having the girls for my designated weekend, and if she does not cooperate I will then be looking into my rights, or driving the whole way to collect them (she lives 3 hrs away so we normally share drop offs).

 

Obviously we need to get something firm and court documented in place to give me the legal right to see my girls at my set times so if she declines she is breaking the law. I haven't gone down this road yet.

 

I was wondering what people thought about my reaction when she says I can't have the kids and me insisting that I do, if I should try doing the opposite and saying no worries, keep them. and act as though I will just miss my weekend. I DEFINITELY do not want this, and I don't want it to be seen that I want that, because I guess it could be detrimental to me in proving my involvement in the girls lives in court if I needed to, but short term measure, should I try it? She clearly wants to offload the kids and get a break from them, whenever possible, so should I try and call her bluff to stop her from being in complete power over visitation?

 

How do you get around withholding visitation issues? Is the only solution going to be court ordered access/visitation schedule..?

 

On another note, her violent boyfriend has kids too and only recently became a part of their lives. He now has his kids on the weekends my ex doesn't have our kids...and this is proving inconvenient for my ex given I know they generally only see one another when they are kid-free. I don't want to do her any favors, so I've been stubborn but wonder if I should even remotely consider swapping my weekends around to allow them to have their respective kids at the same time then both have their weekend completely off. I don't support their relationship and I don't want this guy around my kids because of his violent nature but I can't really do much about that atm. He lives in the same city as I do and because it is a few hr drive this is very convenient for my ex, who chose to isolate herself hours away from me, only to come back to my city every time she is kid free to party out with this bloke. Maybe it is the best of a bad situation that they see each other when completely kid free because if their schedules clash then it is more potential that she will be around him when he has his kids, and he will be around her when she has our girls, and I want to avoid him being around my daughters as much as possible.

 

Sorry for the long post...just not sure what to do about this.

[eye of the storm]

Go to court and demand your legal rights.

 

Also, if this guy is truly bad and not just that you don't like him, talk to your lawyer about a restraining order keeping him away from your children.

 

I am constantly amazed when someone talks about a "toxic" ex-spouse, then says they haven't "looked into their rights".

 

Go to court get your rights and responsibilities spelled out in writing and legally documented.

[mrs rubble]

As the poster above said go to court and get your paper's in order.

Quite frankly if my ex had a violent partner, I'd go for full custody of my kids and make sure her visit's with my kids were supervised to ensure they are never exposed to his violence or the fallout from it.

[Ronni_W]

...just not sure what to do about this.

Why not just do what is in your heart (and soul) to do?

It comes across that you are not feeling so great about yourself, that you've so far given in to feelings of vengefulness/retaliation and acting uncooperative. It comes across that you're more "stooping to her level" than representing/being who you actually are.

 

Also to consider, your daughters must live with their mother 12 out of 14 days. Whatever YOU can do to decrease stress, or increase happiness for their mother, therefore, directly impacts the environment in which YOUR daughters are living for a great majority of their lives.

 

Of course, also get the legal stuff done. But even after that, let your heart (and soul) guide you. Always just be the highest version that you can be, of the man that you are...for yourself AND also for your daughters.

 

Best of luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you need to do is get your visitation and have it done through the court system. Then if she or that whip job boyfriend try to chime in and give you a hard time, you have legal grounds and she's the one on the hot seat. Do not go on any verbal agreement you have with her as binding because that type of agreement has no value and if push comes to shove, all she has to do is make a phone call to the police saying she feels threatened and your ass is the one that gets jammed up.

 

Get a lawyer and do it the right way. That way your safe and and any time she tries to deny you then it's all on her. It's called doing the smart thing.