D-Day

[solostand]

Yes I was taking his calls in a frantic effort to find out what happened, how it happened, how much she knew, how she found out, what to do now, what if she calls me et cetera.

 

Now that I know all those details I think I will leave them to themselves and stop taking his calls.

 

I am TERRIFIED to hear from her, but I know the right thing is to tell the truth. At this point why he hasn't confessed I don't know, because she knows he is lying and has actually caught him in at least one lie.

 

I have to go forward as of this moment without him. I think my life will be better.

[solostand]

Also I realized yesterday that I have to treat him as another addiction.

[Lovebug66]

Also I realized yesterday that I have to treat him as another addiction.

 

Yes, I agree. I might take it one step further, that you don't just have to treat him as an addiction, but the drama as an addiction. I really believe in following your story it's the drama, not necessarily him that you are addicted to. You can see that in your clearer moments.

 

It really doesn't matter why he won't confess. My guess is because he still thinks he's God and can manipulate both you and his wife some more since he's done it all this time and it's worked. That's how my H was. He yelled at me for an hour it wasn't true and I'm just a bleep bleep bleep till I started packing a bag and was ready to go grab my son and walk out the door at 4am. My point is he will lie till the lying doesn't get him anywhere anymore.

 

I know it must be hugely scary waiting for that phone to ring. Do something good for you, meditate, pray, get into a better frame of mind. (Here I go with the analogies again ) Think of it as you are going in for surgery. Can lots of things go wrong? Sure. Getting worked up about it won't help tho, its best to go in as calm and prepared as you can. It may not always be smooth, but usually the end result is some initial pain followed by betterment. Keep the focus on how much better things can be once you make in thru this.

[solostand]

Thanks for your support,

 

You are right I'm just jangling right now. I recently had a relapse and when I considered the reasons why I realized because I was not taking my support group seriously, but using it as a way to have an affair. That is BAD.

 

I feel like a terrible person right now and I guess I am.

 

I can only imagine what's going on in that house right now.

[Owl6118]

As a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety--

 

yes, you were not in recovery. Even if you were not drinking.

 

An addiction as powerful as alcohol is to an alcoholic can only be overcome through a profound desire to change--to no longer live in pain and denial and self-degradation. That change comes only when you thirst to have your integrity back more than you thirst for the temporary relief from the pain of being our broken seves than alcohol gives us alcoholics.

 

If, within AA, you are living a life without integrity--a life where you are compartmentalizing, a life where you are knowingly treating another human as you would never wish to be treated--you are not in recovery. The program does not work if you go at it with deceit in your heart. You may not drink, but you are a dry drunk--you are still broken and the broken is not healing.

 

Solostand, I hope this becomes a new beginning of sobriety for you. With the understanding that sobriety is an attitude toward life, one that begins and ends not with not drinking, but with integrity as the foundation of a healthy self. Regain your integrity, and the not drinking part becomes as easy as breathing, walking, eating, sleeping--not drinking becomes just a small and not especially interesting facet of Being You.

[Sub]

You're not terrible. In none of your threads have you come across as such, IMO. You've just seemed a bit out of control. Some of these realizations illustrate something different, though. There are hints of clarity.

[Selfish]

You're not terrible. In none of your threads have you come across as such, IMO. You've just seemed a bit out of control. Some of these realizations illustrate something different, though. There are hints of clarity.

 

This and owl's post.

 

1000%

[Pinklotus]

If you want it to be over, make it be over. No contact. Tell her the truth if she asks, and then never speak to either one of them again.

[whatatangledweb]

Take your control back and stop letting the affair and the outcome control you. Block him, hell, change your number. If he comes to your door, don't answer or if you can't do that, tell him it's over. Then shut the door and never answer it for him again.

[oldshirt]

I said this in your other thread but you have no obligation to talk to his wife at all.

 

She has a right to know what her husband is up to but she has no right to know anything about your personal life at all.

 

You can simply not answer the phone, don't answer the door, not respond to her emails etc.

 

Your personal life is none of her business.

 

She has the right to interrogate her husband, not you. Any question she asks you, you can just say, " that is something you need to discuss with your husband."

[AlwaysGrowing]

This isn't your first "rodeo", so not sure why you don't know what to expect.

 

I imagine it will be much/more like it was for your prior affairs.

 

As others have stated, you have a long history of destructive type behaviours/actions/lifestyle/thought processes.

 

Until, you desire real change...nothing will change.

[jellybean89]

Solo, stop involving yourself in the drama. You don't "need" to know anything, especially if you are done, as you claim to be. You have said you are "done" so many times it's like the boy who cries wolf. That's why Mm says you two need to be more careful. He knows you enjoy all the drama. You yourself have constantly belittled his wife and made this affair into a competition. You have posted very belittling things about the wife many times and you have boasted how he comes back to you.

 

You need to grow up. You are 50, right? Yet your behavior is that of an adolescent fighting over a boy on the playground.

 

Addiction tends to stop the emotional maturity of a person (per various literature on addiction). You have gleefully talked about MM touching you during your meetings, which you admitted were just a way to spend time with the MM. I just don't understand your need to be with this loser at the expense of another person. You know darned well the hurt this woman would feel and yet, you continued to engage the MM into a sexual affair with you.

 

You really need more intensive counseling than you are getting. And leaning on your ex husband is just you continuing the cycle of not being independent and needing a man at your side. You are not emotionally healthy at all. It is unfair to use your ex husband in this manner. He shouldn't be coming over. Do you have a sponsor? Why are you sitting at home answering calls from Mm? Why aren't you at a meeting? Why aren't you surrounding yourself with friends - not an ex husband?

 

I don't think you will tell the wife anything. I think you will ignore her calls, but you will let the MM know if she calls. You are so addicted to this juvenile behavior. It is really sad. At your age, this should not be your life. You should want more from life than being a mistress. I honestly think you rely on the MM giving you money and that is the one of the main reasons you continue this affair. Your financial issues are your responsibility not the Mm's and not your ex husbands. And most definitely not the wife's. You taking money from him is the same as taking it from her - it is family money.

 

Fix your life. Fix yourself. Don't you want to be independent? Don't you want to be in a healthy relationship? None of that will happen as long as you continue this game with the MM. I am not sure what it is going to take before you grasp the damage and hurt you have done to the wife, to yourself and to any children you may have, as they are witness to your love of drama and more than likely know you have been involved with a married man. Go back and read your posts from when the MM was in the hospital. Read how you bragged about going to see him and not caring who saw you there. Please stop being that person who didn't care who she hurt as long as she got what she wanted. Focus on your recovery -- it should be your top priority.

[Mount]

Agree... People can keep saying they will "do this", "do that", "end affair/addiction/over-eating..etc" till the end of their lives but do NOTHING in reality, those kind of people are failure type of human being.

 

However by sticking with doing things (walk the talk) requires significant will-power, which I don't see people having them often.

 

Solo, stop involving yourself in the drama. You don't "need" to know anything, especially if you are done, as you claim to be. You have said you are "done" so many times it's like the boy who cries wolf. That's why Mm says you two need to be more careful. He knows you enjoy all the drama. You yourself have constantly belittled his wife and made this affair into a competition. You have posted very belittling things about the wife many times and you have boasted how he comes back to you.

 

You need to grow up. You are 50, right? Yet your behavior is that of an adolescent fighting over a boy on the playground.

 

Addiction tends to stop the emotional maturity of a person (per various literature on addiction). You have gleefully talked about MM touching you during your meetings, which you admitted were just a way to spend time with the MM. I just don't understand your need to be with this loser at the expense of another person. You know darned well the hurt this woman would feel and yet, you continued to engage the MM into a sexual affair with you.

 

You really need more intensive counseling than you are getting. And leaning on your ex husband is just you continuing the cycle of not being independent and needing a man at your side. You are not emotionally healthy at all. It is unfair to use your ex husband in this manner. He shouldn't be coming over. Do you have a sponsor? Why are you sitting at home answering calls from Mm? Why aren't you at a meeting? Why aren't you surrounding yourself with friends - not an ex husband?

 

I don't think you will tell the wife anything. I think you will ignore her calls, but you will let the MM know if she calls. You are so addicted to this juvenile behavior. It is really sad. At your age, this should not be your life. You should want more from life than being a mistress. I honestly think you rely on the MM giving you money and that is the one of the main reasons you continue this affair. Your financial issues are your responsibility not the Mm's and not your ex husbands. And most definitely not the wife's. You taking money from him is the same as taking it from her - it is family money.

 

Fix your life. Fix yourself. Don't you want to be independent? Don't you want to be in a healthy relationship? None of that will happen as long as you continue this game with the MM. I am not sure what it is going to take before you grasp the damage and hurt you have done to the wife, to yourself and to any children you may have, as they are witness to your love of drama and more than likely know you have been involved with a married man. Go back and read your posts from when the MM was in the hospital. Read how you bragged about going to see him and not caring who saw you there. Please stop being that person who didn't care who she hurt as long as she got what she wanted. Focus on your recovery -- it should be your top priority.

[goodyblue]

I said this in your other thread but you have no obligation to talk to his wife at all.

 

She has a right to know what her husband is up to but she has no right to know anything about your personal life at all.

 

You can simply not answer the phone, don't answer the door, not respond to her emails etc.

 

Your personal life is none of her business.

 

She has the right to interrogate her husband, not you. Any question she asks you, you can just say, " that is something you need to discuss with your husband."

 

This is what I did. I did and still do avoid her like the plague and the one confrontation with me she tried to force I simply referred her back to her husband, as I felt that was his baby to rock.

[GirlStillStrong]

That's what I thought. day after day, month after month, two to five times a day. Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.

 

I think I am still in shock. I don't want to call her because I don't know where she is - she may not want to hear from me. It has got to be a bad day for her.

 

He said "well, we knew this was going to happen sometime. We haven't been exactly discreet". So why lie lie lie when she KNOWS he's lying?

 

Because they are more deluded than we know. They actually believe they are within their RIGHTS to do whatever it is they want, including lie and cheat no matter who gets hurt, because of all the sacrifice they have made for the family. It is like they live in some other world where pretending that lies are truth is normal. We try to make sense of it, rationalize, but their thinking is so distorted it's impossible.

 

When you figure out what you have fallen for by believing in him and in the relationship you thought you had, you're gonna kick yourself. The sooner you get away from this a**hole, the better.

[bathtub-row]

Solostad, I'm sorry this has happened but it's probably for the best. Personally I don't think you should talk to his wife if she calls. While I think MM is being a real butt for continuing to lie to his wife, I also take issue with this unbelievable crap about him never seeing his grandkids, etc. No one has the right to threaten him like that but this probably explains why he's so determined to lie. These threats are completely pointless and, if I were you, I would not get involved at all. For anyone to be this heartless and to say such things is not to be messed with. Just extract yourself from this affair in the best way you can and move on. Hopefully his wife won't stalk you or do anything stupid but, just based on things he has told you, you should be prepared for some drama. You may want to invest in some pepper spray.

 

I think it's good that MM hasn't thrown you under the bus. Because of that, don't be too quick to kick him while he's down. I remember you but I don't remember your whole story. Only you can decide if he deserves to be treated in such a way. I'm not implying that you continue the affair but I would gently let go of him instead of being overly cruel to him. He probably has his own battles. And don't be too quick to side with his wife. As always, you really don't know the circumstances. Your best bet is to distance yourself from all of it.

[anne1707]

Just on Bathtub's post....

 

His wife may have threatened those things re his kids or he may be just saying that to create an excuse for staying which may be very different to his actual reason for staying. Telling Solo that he has to stay because his wife won't let him see his family make his wife sound terrible and him the poor victim. It is very different to him saying that he is staying because he WANTS to be with his wife in terms of how many an OW would allow themselves to stay in the affair.

 

Remember that he did leave his wife a few months ago and chose to go back. He is right where he wants to be, nothing forced about this.

[Jesuischarlie]

BS in my situ was told the truth by me and two others. In retrospect I can recommend telling her to ask Him not you as without his admission their marriage will not benefit in any way Coming from experience it did not do anyone any good because it was telling her what she already knew. So keep out of it. It's their problem now. And she is using the kids as weapons

[Popsicle]

It sounds like you both were tired of living dishonestly before Dday, but couldn't break it off.

 

You can use this opportunity to end it for good, since you have the extra needed boost. Do not remain in LC. That will undo any work you've done to detach yourselves from each other.

Edited January 17, 2015 by Popsicle

[bathtub-row]

Just on Bathtub's post....

 

His wife may have threatened those things re his kids or he may be just saying that to create an excuse for staying which may be very different to his actual reason for staying. Telling Solo that he has to stay because his wife won't let him see his family make his wife sound terrible and him the poor victim. It is very different to him saying that he is staying because he WANTS to be with his wife in terms of how many an OW would allow themselves to stay in the affair.

 

Remember that he did leave his wife a few months ago and chose to go back. He is right where he wants to be, nothing forced about this.

 

Exactly -- she doesn't know who's telling the truth and who isn't, so it's far better to stay out of it instead of getting involved and, in a sense, throwing MM under the bus. He hasn't bettayed her (Solo), so there should be no motivation to betray him. Telling all to his wife would be a form of betrayal.

 

Solo, just because you're ready to end things with him (and I recommend that you do), does not mean you have to hate him or act unkind. This is a man you cared about deeply. Don't be too quick to react in a negative way toward him. That's all I'm trying to say. You don't owe anything to his wife and don't start feeling sorry for her. MM and his wife both have their own twisted mess to deal with and it has probably been that way for years. People make deals with themselves to stay in bad relationships and then love to act surprised when the house comes tumbling down.

 

And do not let anyone shame you for being the OW. You did what you did for a reason and, while you may now see that it's not something you care to continue or do again, don't let anyone put you on a guilt trip about it. This is very important because if you can't continue to hold your head high, you'll attract a lot of negativity to yourself.

[Popsicle]

I don't think you should tell W either. Just stay out of it.

[jellybean89]

Why are some believing all this crap about taking grand kids away? The wife isn't the mother of the grand kids, she can't keep him away from them. This old MM is a liar, why anyone would believe anything he says is a mystery to me.

 

And Solo has no proof he didn't throw her under the bus. Do you really think he would tell Solo he did that? No, he wants her to continue the affair! Why is anyone urging her to continue to be in an affair with him and to continue to risk her sobriety? Go back and read her threads. This isn't a good guy in a bad marriage. This is an old creepy pervert, married over 40 years, who wants some action on the side and all the adoration he can get, which Solo has eagerly given.

[bathtub-row]

I guess I missed it where anyone is encouraging Solo to stay in the affair. Yes, she would be smart to get away from it. But why does everything have to be done out of spite or anger? Why does she need to tell his wife anything? Just exit the Affair Stage and wish him well. End of story.

[Nattie]

You know, you don't HAVE to talk to her. You do have the option to cut off all communication with him, remove yourself from the situation, and not answer any calls.

[solostand]

Oh its all a big mess. He called, handed the phone over to her, she started ranting and raving, she's getting anonymous text messages with details about the affair. She sounds out of her mind with upset. She kept screaming "I don't want to be made a fool of".

She's been all over my Facebook page and found things, pictures of him and a sculpture I made of him. I spoke to him briefly this morning. He says she's devastated and enraged. So far he hasn't thrown me under a bus but he is still lying to her in spite of the evidence.

 

I am out.