Jesuischarlie Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) Solo. I think your situation is so similar to mine im thinking it's the same man. Grandkids were used as a weapon and I had that confirmed by someone else. He's been married that long and lies that much he no longer knows the truth. Seriously!!! I think it's mostly emotional blackmail that drives them all nuts. Let them be miserable together. Surely after all those years she knows the truth Edited January 17, 2015 by Jesuischarlie Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Solo His blatant lying about you when it is all very obvious that you two are having an affair is a denial of you and what you are to him. If that is not throwing you under the bus then I don't know what is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh its all a big mess. He called, handed the phone over to her, she started ranting and raving, she's getting anonymous text messages with details about the affair. She sounds out of her mind with upset. She kept screaming "I don't want to be made a fool of". She's been all over my Facebook page and found things, pictures of him and a sculpture I made of him. I spoke to him briefly this morning. He says she's devastated and enraged. So far he hasn't thrown me under a bus but he is still lying to her in spite of the evidence. I am out. What would it take for you to consider yourself thrown under the bus. He is lying to his wife about his feelings and involvement with you (that means he is saying things like you mean nothing to him and/or you chased him). Then he called you up and handed his wife the phone so she could go off on you. That's being thrown under the bus. Now are you just going to lay there, under that bus, so that he can drive it over you several more times? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Why are some believing all this crap about taking grand kids away? The wife isn't the mother of the grand kids, she can't keep him away from them. This old MM is a liar, why anyone would believe anything he says is a mystery to me. And Solo has no proof he didn't throw her under the bus. Do you really think he would tell Solo he did that? No, he wants her to continue the affair! Why is anyone urging her to continue to be in an affair with him and to continue to risk her sobriety? Go back and read her threads. This isn't a good guy in a bad marriage. This is an old creepy pervert, married over 40 years, who wants some action on the side and all the adoration he can get, which Solo has eagerly given. Solo has definitely been thrown under the bus and I don't believe his story about losing his grandchildren either. When my Grandma was his age I was already an adult and had my own baby (my grandma's first great grandchild). I suspect this MM's grandchildren are at least older children and will still want to see their grandpa unless they simply don't like him for other reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Lock down your facebook account now. Anyone who's not your friend shouldn't be able to see anything - posts, photos, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 He called you and handed the phone to her to scream at you??!!!!!!!!! WHAT AN EFFING COWARD Solo, you must see in that moment exactly whose feelings he cares about the most--HIMSELF! Shaking my head at my phone right now. What an a$$. I hope by saying you're out, you mean out of this horribly unhealthy situation, not out of LS. You're going to need support, and it's really not right to use your exH to lean on in this situation. And I'm guessing it's someone from your AA group who's texting her. Definitely need to get your facebook on private. Also block both of them and their kids if they're on there too because she might try just looking using their account. Please keep posting so we know you're ok. Don't drink. It's not going to make it better. Have you called your therapist yet?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I'm missing how he's not throwing you under the bus too? Sure sounds like it to me. He's doing whatever he needs to do to save his a$$ and still playing both sides. Real stand up guy there. Letting his wife be in hysterics, continue to lie and pass the phone off so she can yell at the OW instead. Stellar. Solo, you need to change your attitude about being a bad person. That is shame talking and shame is what keeps you stuck. If you continue thinking you are just a bad person instead of a good person who made a bad choice, you think what's the use, it's not worth it, I'll just screw up again and the pattern repeats. I'm really curious how many of the people here ripping into his wife have read solo's whole story. If you have, do you have no compassion or empathy? Seriously. I just don't get this BS vs OW war when (especially in this case) the MM is a POS and I think both solo and the BS could get to the truth of all this together and get the fudge away from him. But I guess the BS is just evil (damn her and her lunch she makes for her H or the sundaes she brings home randomly for him. What a B), MM is good and she's the only cause of all this drama. I just don't get it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 As a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety-- yes, you were not in recovery. Even if you were not drinking. An addiction as powerful as alcohol is to an alcoholic can only be overcome through a profound desire to change--to no longer live in pain and denial and self-degradation. That change comes only when you thirst to have your integrity back more than you thirst for the temporary relief from the pain of being our broken seves than alcohol gives us alcoholics. If, within AA, you are living a life without integrity--a life where you are compartmentalizing, a life where you are knowingly treating another human as you would never wish to be treated--you are not in recovery. The program does not work if you go at it with deceit in your heart. You may not drink, but you are a dry drunk--you are still broken and the broken is not healing. Solostand, I hope this becomes a new beginning of sobriety for you. With the understanding that sobriety is an attitude toward life, one that begins and ends not with not drinking, but with integrity as the foundation of a healthy self. Regain your integrity, and the not drinking part becomes as easy as breathing, walking, eating, sleeping--not drinking becomes just a small and not especially interesting facet of Being You. This is a very good post! I hope you will do all your step work and find the best version of you! It's so worth it - and a wonderful way to become happy! Handing all your power to MM and/or alcohol is no way to find happiness. I hope you become willing to do the steps and begin changing your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh its all a big mess. He called, handed the phone over to her, she started ranting and raving, she's getting anonymous text messages with details about the affair. She sounds out of her mind with upset. She kept screaming "I don't want to be made a fool of". She's been all over my Facebook page and found things, pictures of him and a sculpture I made of him. I spoke to him briefly this morning. He says she's devastated and enraged. So far he hasn't thrown me under a bus but he is still lying to her in spite of the evidence. I am out. What did you tell her? Did you go along with his lies? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I hope you will consider blocking all forms of him contacting you. He's proving that he will harm you in order to appease her. It's like going cold turkey with the drink. If you continue he is only asking you to lie more to save him/causing you more harm by lying even more. He's such a liar and a cheater! I hope you can see that you deserve a much better man than him. You could just call back the wife and offer your honesty! Lay it all out there and begin your program on a solid footing = with honesty! Then no more contact with him. I hope you will begin to live in truth and look out for yourself and begin to HELP others when you feel well. Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Starting today: Do not contact him in any way Do not contact his wife in any way. Block any way for him to contact you, and do not respond if he somehow gets around the roadblocks and contacts you. Block any way for his wife to contact you, and do not respond if she somehow gets around the roadblocks and contacts you. Starting today, all of this is over as far as you're concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh its all a big mess. He called, handed the phone over to her, she started ranting and raving, she's getting anonymous text messages with details about the affair. She sounds out of her mind with upset. She kept screaming "I don't want to be made a fool of". She's been all over my Facebook page and found things, pictures of him and a sculpture I made of him. I spoke to him briefly this morning. He says she's devastated and enraged. So far he hasn't thrown me under a bus but he is still lying to her in spite of the evidence. I am out. You both have made a fool of her, so many times. You were at the hospital and he introduced you to his wife and then you continued going to visit him when she wasn't there. She knows exactly who you are and he's a total douche bag for not coming clean and still gas lighting her. I don't expect you to feel sympathy for her seeing as your past threads about his wife haven't been nice at all, you've repeatedly said you hated her and been wanting to call and tell her. So, here's your change to come clean and tell her everything. BUT, I hope now you see who and what your MM really is, and find some compassion for his wife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Solo. I think your situation is so similar to mine im thinking it's the same man. Grandkids were used as a weapon and I had that confirmed by someone else. He's been married that long and lies that much he no longer knows the truth. Seriously!!! I think it's mostly emotional blackmail that drives them all nuts. Let them be miserable together. Surely after all those years she knows the truth He is lying big time to both women! It wasn't that long ago he couldn't care less about his grand child, he was doing everything possible to avoid being involved when the baby was born. He complained and vented about it to solo. Read her past threads about this. He is a sick and twisted man, a liar, a good manipulator and is pathetic. In the end, I hope solo does end it completely, once and for all, and his wife divorces him. This scumbag deserves to be on his own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I simply don't understand why you need to speak with either of them. If this is over, there should be no more contact. I'm sure the wife doesn't need to hear anything further from the OW. Let them figure this out. If you are serious about recovery and getting out, get out. No more contact at all! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Personally, I would want to know if my SO was plotting my death, exposing me to STI's, skimming funds from the family business, hiding assists...etc. I said it before, I would not be surprised at all if this whole thing ends up on the evening news. Solost....you have been party to criminal acts. How you proceed will determine your future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Personally, I would want to know if my SO was plotting my death, exposing me to STI's, skimming funds from the family business, hiding assists...etc. I said it before, I would not be surprised at all if this whole thing ends up on the evening news. Solost....you have been party to criminal acts. How you proceed will determine your future. I hadn't heard that... what criminal acts? Something she should go to the authorities over? Wow... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I hadn't heard that... what criminal acts? Something she should go to the authorities over? Wow... Go read her past threads. The MM has either a wild imagination/fantasy going on about how to "take care" of his wife so he and solo could be together, as well as his hiding money and squirreling it away, or he's the biggest bullcrapper ever. The thing is, if he wanted out of his marriage once and for all, he'd be packing up and leaving his wife instead of continuing to lie to her, gas light her and stay married. Those who want a divorce, do so. That's a fact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 It looks like the evidence is there - he intends to stay married or he wouldn't still be home begging his wife to stay. If he intended to leave and be with solo that would have been his opportunity for a clean break - but he didn't take that opening. He doesn't intend to be with you - he intends to use you so that he feels good about himself... I hope you realize this A with him harms you and helps him. Things are way out of balance. Let him stay with her. Just never communicate with him again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Go read her past threads. The MM has either a wild imagination/fantasy going on about how to "take care" of his wife so he and solo could be together, as well as his hiding money and squirreling it away, or he's the biggest bullcrapper ever. The thing is, if he wanted out of his marriage once and for all, he'd be packing up and leaving his wife instead of continuing to lie to her, gas light her and stay married. Those who want a divorce, do so. That's a fact. I had no idea. That is rather frightening. I agree, people who want to divorce do so, just not always right away. My brother was miserable in his marriage at about year five, didn't leave til year 16. Religion played a big role, but he had a hard time taking that step. He is happier than ever now, tho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm missing how he's not throwing you under the bus too? Sure sounds like it to me. He wasn't..., until he put her on the phone with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Solost....you have been party to criminal acts. How you proceed will determine your future. Criminal acts? Huh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 He wasn't..., until he put her on the phone with his wife. I'm left wondering what he expected Solo to tell his wife at that point...? What did you tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) Criminal acts? Huh? You can read her prior posts where it is all laid out there. Yes this MM is a real peach. He uses his AA meetings as an excuse to carry on an affair. His wife, according to the OP, is still very much in love with this liar. While he talked openly with the OP about how to get rid of his wife. And I don't mean by divorcing her. ETA: There are tire tracks all up and down your back. Get out now. Go NC. Find another AA group. Have your counselor work with you on ideas to let go of your addiction to drama. It is the high that you are always chasing. Edited January 18, 2015 by awkward 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 You can read her prior posts where it is all laid out there. Yes this MM is a real peach. He uses his AA meetings as an excuse to carry on an affair. His wife, according to the OP, is still very much in love with this liar. While he talked openly with the OP about how to get rid of his wife. And I don't mean by divorcing her. ETA: There are tire tracks all up and down your back. Get out now. Go NC. Find another AA group. Have your counselor work with you on ideas to let go of your addiction to drama. It is the high that you are always chasing. Ok. Well, if he's talking about "rubbing out" the wife, then that's a horse of a different color. I can't imagine being with a man who even said something like that in jest. Murder isn't funny, it isn't sexy, it isn't endearing, and it isn't even entertaining. It's just plain bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm left wondering what he expected Solo to tell his wife at that point...? If it had been me, I would've let her rant and rave and when it stopped, I would've asked, "Are you finished now? Good. So am I." Click. Link to post Share on other sites
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