D-Day

[awkward]

If it had been me, I would've let her rant and rave and when it stopped, I would've asked, "Are you finished now? Good. So am I."

 

Click.

 

MM's BS is almost 70 years old. She has had to deal with this loser for so long. If it was me, I would have told her the truth in a gentle way.

[bathtub-row]

MM's BS is almost 70 years old. She has had to deal with this loser for so long. If it was me, I would have told her the truth in a gentle way.

 

70 yrs old and still hasn't figured out the guy she's married to?

 

I understand what you're saying. I just wouldn't get involved.

[Mount]

That is exactly the MM threw you under the bus and more WORSE - he is the DRIVER of the bus to crush you down in front her wife. He sold you out exactly in front of his wife for her to scream at you.

 

I also do not and never understand why an over 50 years woman would post pic of MM in her facebook - do you even know how to carry on an Affair, or what you only want is the pathetic attention because you are very lack of?

 

Despite posters are keeping adding pages in this thread, but reality is it does not matter how many million times you claim "I am out", or Posters ask you not to contact, you won't end affair anyway BECAUSE that is the sole pathetic attention you are getting from.

 

My advice is if you intend to keep Affair going, use more brain to make affair an affair (discreet), not a tool for seeking attention or drama. However besides this pathetic attention from MM, what else MM had invested on the relationship with you, maybe a tiny bit money?

 

Words may sound harsh, but it is true (and only true words would sound harsh anyway)

 

 

Oh its all a big mess. He called, handed the phone over to her, she started ranting and raving, she's getting anonymous text messages with details about the affair. She sounds out of her mind with upset. She kept screaming "I don't want to be made a fool of".

She's been all over my Facebook page and found things, pictures of him and a sculpture I made of him. I spoke to him briefly this morning. He says she's devastated and enraged. So far he hasn't thrown me under a bus but he is still lying to her in spite of the evidence.

 

I am out.

[Lurkeraspect]

Solo,

 

I went back and read all your previous threads in an attempt to fully understand your story. Your very first post from 2 years ago indicated that you wanted out of the affair (that had already been going on for 10 months) and you were afraid of the old MM throwing you under the bus. Multiple threads about the same thing. Rinse and repeat.

 

As others have stated, it's very obvious that the only thing you're truly interested in is DRAMA. You are an addict, supposedly in recovery, but you've just exchanged your alcohol for the attention (and money) from an old, lying, cruel, alcoholic MM.

 

Based on all your previous posts, I don't for a second believe this is over. You'll be back in weeks or months lamenting about rides in his truck and how you both pulled one over on his clueless BS. I don't for a second believe you'll end anything, because he's just your newest drug of choice.

 

For a 51 year old woman, you're making incredibly poor choices and wasting whatever time you have left on a big zero.

 

Don't you think you owe it to yourself to step your game up?

[goodyblue]

Why are some believing all this crap about taking grand kids away? The wife isn't the mother of the grand kids, she can't keep him away from them. This old MM is a liar, why anyone would believe anything he says is a mystery to me.

 

And Solo has no proof he didn't throw her under the bus. Do you really think he would tell Solo he did that? No, he wants her to continue the affair! Why is anyone urging her to continue to be in an affair with him and to continue to risk her sobriety? Go back and read her threads. This isn't a good guy in a bad marriage. This is an old creepy pervert, married over 40 years, who wants some action on the side and all the adoration he can get, which Solo has eagerly given.

 

I have to tell you, this particular situation is one that feels particularly messed up. I want to say that Solo, as OW, and I having been there, I feel this pull to protect. But this twisted thing (something I never had to deal with as my situation was very straight forward) is such a mess that I have to question the sanity of ALL parties. What does this guy have that makes these women behave in this manner? Both feel they can't live without him. Whaaat?

 

Give me the smallest break. BOTH women will end up pulling him, he'll be the big fish in the little pond. The one nobody can live without. Jesus. I wish I were friends with Susan Powder. STOP THE INSANITY.

 

Solo, I have sided with you at every turn, trying to let you make the right choice, but here you are, dying over the drama of it all. Jesus. This whole thing is exhausting. If you want concrete advice, PM me. Otherwise, bask in everyone reading this and freaking out. Feels like that is kinda what you want.

 

I wish you well, but I am not in 7th grade, I have better things to do.

[Babs22]

This really is a messed up situation. Solo, I feel like you were actually waiting for D Day to happen, that the truth would come out and he would leave her. The reason I say this is you have not been very discreet/careful. You went to see him at the hospital, you posted pictures of him on your facebook page, you had not locked down your facebook page or blocked his family members from seeing it? Now D Day has happened and he is denying it and it is not turning out the way you had planned. This upsets you, so you wonder if you should tell wife the truth when she calls? I definitely think you should not be taking any calls. I would let every call, including his, go to voice mail. You could listen to any messages if you need to. You have not been concerned about wifes feeling before, this is evidenced by you going to the hospital and posting things on facebook for the world to see.

 

He has a lot to lose by leaving his wife; relationship with kids, grandkids, financially. Yet, neither one of you were discreet in your affair. You obviously planned that he would leave wife one day, that is not happening and you must now make a decision for yourself, but do NOT talk to wife. That is between her and her husband. If you are unhappy with result of D Day, it is really time to move on. The fact that you are both dealing with an addiction to alcohol, is probably another reason for you to move on. You need to work on yourself before you can ever have a normal relationship with someone else.

[Mount]

Also the most important, if you were MM yourself, would you/MM even choose yourself over his wife?

 

Obviously the MM is selfish and calculative, men's brain thinks more logically than women. Do you have millions of cashes, or assets or properties to offer MM if MM chooses you? Apparently not. Also you were only a bit younger than his wife, not a 20-30 hot young beauty.

 

So there has absolutely no any valid reason or obvious benefit for MM to leave marriage to choose worse option. That is COMMON SENSE.

 

Also he knows you clearly you will stay in the affair as long as he does not kick you out, so why bother.

 

 

This really is a messed up situation. Solo, I feel like you were actually waiting for D Day to happen, that the truth would come out and he would leave her. The reason I say this is you have not been very discreet/careful. You went to see him at the hospital, you posted pictures of him on your facebook page, you had not locked down your facebook page or blocked his family members from seeing it? Now D Day has happened and he is denying it and it is not turning out the way you had planned. This upsets you, so you wonder if you should tell wife the truth when she calls? I definitely think you should not be taking any calls. I would let every call, including his, go to voice mail. You could listen to any messages if you need to. You have not been concerned about wifes feeling before, this is evidenced by you going to the hospital and posting things on facebook for the world to see.

 

He has a lot to lose by leaving his wife; relationship with kids, grandkids, financially. Yet, neither one of you were discreet in your affair. You obviously planned that he would leave wife one day, that is not happening and you must now make a decision for yourself, but do NOT talk to wife. That is between her and her husband. If you are unhappy with result of D Day, it is really time to move on. The fact that you are both dealing with an addiction to alcohol, is probably another reason for you to move on. You need to work on yourself before you can ever have a normal relationship with someone else.

[solostand]

I do not want to stay in this affair. It is over, period. I have had my fill, had had my fill a while ago, and had Dday not happened, I was planning on ending it anyway just couldn't find the courage. After so long, you do get attached.

 

MM called again yesterday. My ex-husband answered the phone. That threw him for a loop. My ex husband told him I was a basket case (which I was).

I don't expect to hear from him again, but if I do, the phone will go unanswered.

[Mount]

"My ex-husband answered the phone. That threw him for a loop. My ex husband told him I was a basket case", that is a teenage person handling relationship, not some over 50 y/o woman doing thing if she intends to end the relationship.

 

I hate to say this, why don't you even have the courage or gut speak out for yourself, like a few other OWs, have some backbone, since if a person does or continue doing something, at least OWNS it!

 

And you know we or even yourself won't believe you will end the affair, despite you KEEP saying it over and over and over, so why don't you stand up continuing the affair, and admit and own it.

 

 

 

I do not want to stay in this affair. It is over, period. I have had my fill, had had my fill a while ago, and had Dday not happened, I was planning on ending it anyway just couldn't find the courage. After so long, you do get attached.

 

MM called again yesterday. My ex-husband answered the phone. That threw him for a loop. My ex husband told him I was a basket case (which I was).

I don't expect to hear from him again, but if I do, the phone will go unanswered.

[solostand]

Because the affair is over.

[anne1707]

Because the affair is over.

 

Have you told him that?

[Mount]

Exactly, by using Ex-husband answering the phone and told MM you are depressed IS NOT delivering message of ending affair. It is, again, a teenage game which is really getting old and ridiculously happening between you two elder people.

 

Again, why don't you have the gut speaking out your true thoughts, the affair won't end and it will in reality keeping going on and on and on, until MM cut you off.

 

Have you told him that?

[solostand]

Look, I'm an emotional mess. This thing just blew up way more than I ever imagined. Someone is texting his wife with all sorts of details about the affair - its not me as I don't even know her cell number, nor do I want to, nor do I want to ever speak to her again. Or him. And yes, maybe I shouldn't have let ex hubby answer the phone - but he shouldn't have called me and then passed the phone over to BS so I could hear her yell and cry and quote text messages which, while true, had nothing to do with me.

 

I don't have the strength or heart to talk to him at this moment. Nor do I have to. The affair is over based on the simple fact that it blew up in his face and there is no way his BS will not watch every move he makes - she has already told him as much, even so far as saying she was going to start going to AA with him or if not follow him there and sit in the car in the parking lot. So no, the A is over. He has lost control.

 

I'm just a mess and now I have to mourn and move on with my life. I am not looking forward to this because I know I will miss him - you can't spend two years in daily contact with someone without feeling a void.But I know it must be done and will be done.

[anne1707]

So the affair is over because his wife is watching him. That does not mean it is over in your mind. It means that if she is not watching him then the affair would be up and running again in no time at all. When are you going to actually take some responsibility for your life?

[OpenBook]

I'm just a mess and now I have to mourn and move on with my life. I am not looking forward to this because I know I will miss him - you can't spend two years in daily contact with someone without feeling a void.But I know it must be done and will be done.

 

[[[[[hugs to solostand]]]]] One foot in front of the other. Just keep moving. Recovery and restoration is at the other end of that long dark tunnel and you WILL get there. You just have to go straight through it first. I'm praying for you and rooting for you!!!

[solostand]

Thanks for your support. It is really appreciated right now. I am sitting here crying and for those who don't believe the affair is over, you have a right to you opinion but I know it is over. In my heart I am done but broken. My feelings I am sure are minor compared to what his bs is feeling. I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am not the first person to go through this but it hurts so bad!!!!! I know this affair wasn't the most appropriate and stupid mistakes were made on both sides. We lost all discretion at the end = = we were even seen shopping together which was also reported back to her.

 

he is going away next week for two months so there is no better way to get over it than that! I have to stand up, brush myself off, and try to somehow make myself a better person from this. Right now I feel like the worst person in the world to inflict such pain on an innocent 68 year old woman. Doing it when you don't know the person and only have her reflected back to you through MM, who has said very unkind things about her, is very different than being confronted with the reality of a crying sobbing betrayed wife who has done nothing wrong except love and support a clear POS for 36 years. She put up with him drunk for 30 years, he finally sobers up and what does he do? Starts an affair with an AA member! I know I allowed it but if I could only go back to that day a little over two years ago when began I would never never do it again.

[anne1707]

I know I am one of the ones who doubts whether this affair is over (because of past experience with your threads - sorry).

 

But I am giving you a hard time on this because you need to be strong. The impression I have in all this is how passive you are when you really do need to take charge. You need to stand up for yourself and show that you will no longer be messed around and are no longer available to him.

[Mount]

Why do you still not take responsibility for anything, just blame everything on MM? I am not saying MM is a saint, but you now called MM a POS, and didn't you showed off that accepted a sandwich that this POS MM brought to you, which actually made by his wife for his lunch - so it made you a piece of WHAT?

 

I am not saying instead of showing off a home-made sandwich, any OW should show off $400 lunch or $2000 Jewelry will make more sense, I am saying YOU KNOW WHO HE IS and have been jointly engaged in affair almost 2~3 years yourself.

 

Also in nutshell, you need own up your REAL thoughts and put into action, people don't own up responsibility are doomed to be loser or failure in their life or destiny.

 

Either continue to be his OW when his wife is loosing up leash, and manage to handle affair in a mature way, not something to attract pathetic attention by SHOWING OFF in facebook or else; Or stick with what you say from mouth - end affair from your will, not passively (again, caused by BS' restriction).

 

You just need to (wo)man up, be a real person living a real and decent life.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your support. It is really appreciated right now. I am sitting here crying and for those who don't believe the affair is over, you have a right to you opinion but I know it is over. In my heart I am done but broken. My feelings I am sure are minor compared to what his bs is feeling. I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am not the first person to go through this but it hurts so bad!!!!! I know this affair wasn't the most appropriate and stupid mistakes were made on both sides. We lost all discretion at the end = = we were even seen shopping together which was also reported back to her.

 

he is going away next week for two months so there is no better way to get over it than that! I have to stand up, brush myself off, and try to somehow make myself a better person from this. Right now I feel like the worst person in the world to inflict such pain on an innocent 68 year old woman. Doing it when you don't know the person and only have her reflected back to you through MM, who has said very unkind things about her, is very different than being confronted with the reality of a crying sobbing betrayed wife who has done nothing wrong except love and support a clear POS for 36 years. She put up with him drunk for 30 years, he finally sobers up and what does he do? Starts an affair with an AA member! I know I allowed it but if I could only go back to that day a little over two years ago when began I would never never do it again.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Mount

[Babs22]

 

I don't have the strength or heart to talk to him at this moment. Nor do I have to. The affair is over based on the simple fact that it blew up in his face and there is no way his BS will not watch every move he makes - she has already told him as much, even so far as saying she was going to start going to AA with him or if not follow him there and sit in the car in the parking lot. So no, the A is over. He has lost control.

 

Solostand, The affair is over because BS is going to watch every move he makes? You both were caught because you were not being careful and he has lost control, so the affair is over? I really hope for your case that the A is over, but your reasons for it being so are not ones that will help you move on. You do need to take control. The affair is over because you want it to be over. It was unhealthy to you and your sobriety, so you want it to be over. You need to be strong and tell him it is over. I'm glad he is going away for two months, but you need to go to NC so you can truly get over this. Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

Solo, I know how much it hurts. There are some things about my break-up with xMM that I'll never forget. But, if it helps, I no longer feel that pain. And I'm so glad to be out of it. I don't even miss him or wish he'd come back. You will get there and find peace again. Yes, the attachment is strong and it is very hard to let go but, for your sanity, it's the best thing. It seems that anything worth doing or having is never easy.

[solostand]

Well my original plan was to end it when he goes away for two months, so it just got ended a little earlier but in a very spectacular and hurtful fashion.

 

I have not been happy in the relationship for awhile - tired of crumbs, tired of waiting by the phone - even tired of having sex with him. I used to get so excited and happy when he was coming over or we were going to see each other but lately its been meh. I have been feeling resentment and yes even used for a while, though he totally insisted he wasn't using me and wanted to spend "quality time".

 

He's no different than any other MM who gets caught and then lies about it. And he lied through his teeth to her - even to the point of possibly convincing her. Expecting me to lie for him! Thinking I would willingly do so, for what?

 

It sure hurts though. So bad.

[jellybean89]

You said all the same things last year when he left with his wife for a couple months. You were done, you had enough, blah blah.

 

So what did you say to his wife? Did you apologize? Did you own up to the affair and your part in it? If not, why not? Still protecting this old pathetic loser?

 

I don't think you are done. I think you will wait for him to reach out to you again and start it all over. You have wasted 2 years on him, you have relapsed while in the affair and you made a mockery of AA.

 

I say again that you need intensive counseling. You need a sponsor. You need a support network. You need to quit leaning on men to handle your life. H, MM and now exH...stand on your own 2 feet and own your behavior.

 

Why you continued an affair with a person who talked about killing his wife is beyond me. The fact that you listened to it, commented on it and then had sex with him...this behavior alone shows how you are out of control and need therapy. Get help before you hurt more people. Take control of your own life and fix the messes you have made. It can be done, but it will require strength and courage.

[anika99]

Well my original plan was to end it when he goes away for two months, so it just got ended a little earlier but in a very spectacular and hurtful fashion.

 

I have not been happy in the relationship for awhile - tired of crumbs, tired of waiting by the phone - even tired of having sex with him. I used to get so excited and happy when he was coming over or we were going to see each other but lately its been meh. I have been feeling resentment and yes even used for a while, though he totally insisted he wasn't using me and wanted to spend "quality time".

 

He's no different than any other MM who gets caught and then lies about it. And he lied through his teeth to her - even to the point of possibly convincing her. Expecting me to lie for him! Thinking I would willingly do so, for what?

 

It sure hurts though. So bad.

 

 

 

How did your conversation with his wife go? Did you lie for him?

[Realist3]

I'm leaning to the 'it's not over' side.

 

Everybody is in shock/panic mode right now, but that won't last for more than a few weeks. His wife will grow tired of watching him 24/7, and slowly but surely she will loosen the reigns. During this time the two of you will think about all of the stupid mistakes you made, and yes they were really effing stupid, and more than likely you will figure out ways to avoid those mistakes. "Where there is a will there is a way." He's right, and both of you will find the will.

 

The only thing that is over is the form in which the A existed. It will continue in some other form because both of you want it to.

[solostand]

The conversation was her reading text messages which she was receiving pertaining to the affair, and her demanding to know if I was sending the text messages. The text messages were all true but since I had nothing to do with the text messages, I truthfully told her I knew nothing about them. She also had some very upset questions about pictures of him on my Facebook page. I told her I have hundreds of pictures of my friends on my Facebook page. So no, I wasn't honest. She then put me back on the phone to her husband. She said: "I'll let you speak to your friend". I should have told her the truth. I didn't have the heart. There's still time to tell her the truth, but I think my choice will be to walk away as she already knows. I don't know. It was a very traumatic experience for both of us I'm sure. I'm thinking of confessing before they leave on their trip. I keep thinking she deserves to know the truth and it certainly shows me more of his character that faced with a total lie - which she KNEW was a lie - he kept lying. We were supposed to be at a meeting and he was really at my place. She asked him how the meeting was and he said it was good. Later she was told he wasn't even at the meeting, but he kept lying and saying he was THERE.

She also had their grown children all involved and all over my Facebook page, which is of course now locked down.