Realist3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well my original plan was to end it when he goes away for two months, so it just got ended a little earlier but in a very spectacular and hurtful fashion. I have not been happy in the relationship for awhile - tired of crumbs, tired of waiting by the phone - even tired of having sex with him. I used to get so excited and happy when he was coming over or we were going to see each other but lately its been meh. I have been feeling resentment and yes even used for a while, though he totally insisted he wasn't using me and wanted to spend "quality time". He's no different than any other MM who gets caught and then lies about it. And he lied through his teeth to her - even to the point of possibly convincing her. Expecting me to lie for him! Thinking I would willingly do so, for what? It sure hurts though. So bad. You never did say what you told her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 She also had their grown children all involved and all over my Facebook page, which is of course now locked down. Oh... that doesn't look guilty at all. Why you would have pictures of him in public view is beyond words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well we weren't too discrete ever, but especially at the end. Were seen all over town together and his wife was told we were known as "the sweethearts of AA" by the way we used to touch and whisper and arrive and leave together and always together. One wouldn't be there without the other. I am going to a new AA group. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 My comment is that, for the hundreds of hundreds of pages of post related to your recording of Relationship with the MM, is really not about OM/OW journey anymore, it is a blog of turmoil, messy and self-destructive life of an addict, as it is extremely lack of logic, that can not be commented with posters' logic anymore. Well we weren't too discrete ever, but especially at the end. Were seen all over town together and his wife was told we were known as "the sweethearts of AA" by the way we used to touch and whisper and arrive and leave together and always together. One wouldn't be there without the other. I am going to a new AA group. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well we weren't too discrete ever, but especially at the end. Were seen all over town together and his wife was told we were known as "the sweethearts of AA" by the way we used to touch and whisper and arrive and leave together and always together. One wouldn't be there without the other. I am going to a new AA group. What were you two thinking???? Seriously. But from your other post you lied to her, and covered his story. There ya go. I definitely think this will pick back up at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well we weren't too discrete ever, but especially at the end. Were seen all over town together and his wife was told we were known as "the sweethearts of AA" by the way we used to touch and whisper and arrive and leave together and always together. One wouldn't be there without the other. I am going to a new AA group. So you weren't in the meetings for the reason the group offered to you? What do you plan to do differently with the new group? Honesty? Action? Contrary action? Step work? Help others once you're stable and capable of helping newcomers? How do you plan to help yourself? Then help others? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 You never did say what you told her. She sort of did... In a totally evasive way. Solo - instead of blaming him - can you own your responsibility in all this and only blame yourself for this happening? It's not really about him - it's about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 AA sounds like it's not as discreet as it suggest. Did you feel that you both were safe showing affection/being sweethearts at AA? I think when you were confronted by BS by saying nothing nor confirming or validated for her the A or at least this relationship was a little more than just a friendship you left the door open for a future with your MM. You had an opportunity to stop all this in its tracks and you chose to protect him. This, in return will confirm to him that you are willing to remain committed to the affair. He, now (as he waits for the dust to settle on her suspicions) will be planning his next move with you. He is going to plan perfectly how he is going to rope you in, what he is going to say and what he is going to do to make this better for both of you. Are you prepared or going to be strong enough for that? I imagine you are devastated and what you two had was beyond. You have to know he "upped his game" to maintain that "hot piece on the side". In a way, his ego was growing so much he wanted to flaunt you in public. Please see it for what it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't take ownership for your knowing participation in an A with a MM. I do however believe that it isn't on the same level of blame. You are no victim, however you, like his BS have been had. I've heard some here suggest you not tell the BS anything that their marriage is "their business". I beg to differ. If their relationship is none of your business than by this definition you are not at all at blame for his infidelity or your participation in it. What he does in or out of his marriage is none of your business. If you believe this than, don't tell her it's between them. If you feel you did participate in escalating an A with a MM and want to rectify it for your own conscience and healing then confirm to her that "yes it is true and I am sorry". Then walk away. You owe nothing more to either. Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Its just bull that you say you realise what a bad person he is from the fact he got caught and continued to lie and now how you all of a sudden have empathy for the BW- yet you lied through omission too. Both you and MM seem like fantasists that love drama - nothing more- I'm an exOW and even I feel sorry for the BW. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 For so long you've been wanting to call her and expose the affair. You've made plenty of threads about this, bashing her, hating her, saying awful things about her. Then you had a chance to come clean, admit the truth, clear your own conscious and you balked. You chickened out. Denied it all and acted all innocent like nothing ever happened. I'm not sure if you actually feel genuinely bad for your part in the affair by helping him betray and hurt her, and you realized she actually IS a real human being with feelings, a real person and you just couldn't tell her for whatever reason(s) or is it the fact you got caught and now the fallout is huge and you don't want to own your part in this. You're afraid to just admit it all and tell the truth. I believe you when you say it's over, right now... But, in a week or two, maybe a month when comes fishing, and he WILL, you're gonna react and respond. The drama aspect of this, which you've admitted many times, you're addicted to, is what is going to draw you back in. You did not actually SAY the words to him, "This affair is over. Do not contact me ever again!" You've left the door open. Having your exH answer the phone means nothing. Sure he was shocked but that won't stop him in the near future from contacting you again once the dust has settled. He's in damage control right now at home with his wife. And yes, whether you believe this or not, he has thrown you under the bus. Find another therapist because the one you have isn't working for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think what is "lost" on SoLost....is that there is a lifetime of history of infidelity, the OW, lying, addiction, passing off one mans child as her husbands, drama, drama, drama. This has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the MM is a POS who lies, betrays, plots the death of his wife, skims funds...etc All the issues lie squarely at SoLost's feet....and only hers. They were firmly entrenched long before she met the MM. Goody said it best when she called it 7th grade behaviours. SoLost now has her XH involved in the theatrics. Enter "man on white horse". It is easy to understand why the son and other family members keep their distance....it is simply too exhausting and toxic. As long as SoLost can find people to champion her actions/issues/behaviours/thought processes the longer recovery will take. To be entering the winter of ones life, still not having figured out the spring and summer of life is tragic. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Is there a reason you can't be honest? You have so many threads about how she has to know, she knows now, she knows and doesn't care... He is gaslighting her again and you are covering for him. Why can't you be honest with this woman? I just can't wrap my brain around you and your drama. Have some compassion. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Because she has not been honest with herself at all. As I said she kept saying the opposite between words and actions, she has even no gut saying what she really wants is to continue being the OW if MM allows. She never wants to end the affair really, but she says the opposite. Is there a reason you can't be honest? You have so many threads about how she has to know, she knows now, she knows and doesn't care... He is gaslighting her again and you are covering for him. Why can't you be honest with this woman? I just can't wrap my brain around you and your drama. Have some compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Because she has not been honest with herself at all. As I said she kept saying the opposite between words and actions, she has even no gut saying what she really wants is to continue being the OW if MM allows. She never wants to end the affair really, but she says the opposite. I don't fault her at all for saying one thing and doing another. That is par for the course. People have to try and convince themselves, they have to do so. Her spelling it out in real words is part of that process. Is she convinced yet? No, but she is trying. The bigger thing now is her coming to accept who he chose when the poop hit the fan. When the golden opportunity came, he caved back to the women he was plotting to kill. Of any of this sordid tale, that should be the kicker for Solost. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Honestly, I think Solo wanted the affair out in the open (this is why they were not being discreet), because she thought MM would admit to his wife what was happening and then leave wife. BS would be so angry, that she would want MM out of her house and life. Well, BS found out, and MM did not own up to it and admit his love for Solo. Instead he has chosen to lie in order to keep it a secret so the A could continue. Solo does not want affair to continue. She wanted MM to choose her. But the **** hit the fan and he chose to continue to lie about the affair. This is why Solo is finished (for now) with the affair. Things did not transpire quite like she hoped. MM was supposed to choose her and he didn't. Its time to move on and fly solo, Solo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 But that is also the gravy of the drama; The MM chooses to stay with marriage and wife, but does not say will end the affair. That is why I am saying Solostand will continue the affair till MM determines to end it first, otherwise nothing will ever change in reality. I don't fault her at all for saying one thing and doing another. That is par for the course. People have to try and convince themselves, they have to do so. Her spelling it out in real words is part of that process. Is she convinced yet? No, but she is trying. The bigger thing now is her coming to accept who he chose when the poop hit the fan. When the golden opportunity came, he caved back to the women he was plotting to kill. Of any of this sordid tale, that should be the kicker for Solost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 How are your new meetings going? Are you still no contact with Ex-MM? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Since there's still truth you need to speak - call her back and be honest. Tell her what she needs to know. A new start would be not lying and covering up for him. Just own it. Put it all out there and block all communication with him. He will be left to handle what he created. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I went to my new meeting yesterday and today, starting from scratch. They were good. MM has called, yesterday and again today, but I did not answer. He left a message saying he wants to see me before he leaves. I am still an emotional wreck. Devastated. I saw my psychiatrist today and I just sobbed in his office. I know I still have truth to tell her. I am trying to muster the courage to make that call but this has really knocked the legs out from under me. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Is this a 2 month vacation like snowbirds or a trip they have to do for work? I am actually shocked that he's still going. What does he want to see you for? To "apologize" and tell you everything will be fine....once he gets back from a two month vacation with his wife? :sick::sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Is this a 2 month vacation like snowbirds or a trip they have to do for work? I am actually shocked that he's still going. What does he want to see you for? To "apologize" and tell you everything will be fine....once he gets back from a two month vacation with his wife? :sick::sick: It is a snowbird thing. I think he wants to see me to "manage" me because I am the loose cannon, he knows I could spill the beans. He also wants exactly what you suggest = to tell me to keep the faith and it will all blow over during this two months so when he returns he can continue cake eating. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 The beans have been spilled. If you do cave and speak to him, what are the chances you look him in the face and say, "What the absolute f**k are you talking about, you delusional twit?" Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 It is a snowbird thing. I think he wants to see me to "manage" me because I am the loose cannon, he knows I could spill the beans. He also wants exactly what you suggest = to tell me to keep the faith and it will all blow over during this two months so when he returns he can continue cake eating. What are you doing Solo? What is your goal for yourself? How can you take action to achieve that goal that benefits you? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I went to my new meeting yesterday and today, starting from scratch. They were good. MM has called, yesterday and again today, but I did not answer. He left a message saying he wants to see me before he leaves. I am still an emotional wreck. Devastated. I saw my psychiatrist today and I just sobbed in his office. I know I still have truth to tell her. I am trying to muster the courage to make that call but this has really knocked the legs out from under me. Just call her. That way he will know you are becoming stronger by being honest. He's contacting you because he figures you're weak and he can manipulate you. Stop handing him all YOUR power. Take your power back by beginning to honor yourself. Honesty is very freeing. Besides - she has the right to know who he really is. Fill her in. Try to present it with evidence but little emotion. Consider apologizing and have your actions congruent by never communicating with him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Maybe you both enjoy cake of the same flavor. Link to post Share on other sites
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