D-Day

[solostand]

What are you doing Solo? What is your goal for yourself? How can you take action to achieve that goal that benefits you?

 

My goal is to let this A go, move forward one step at a time, focus my energies on things that make me feel good about myself, instead of feeling evil which I do sometimes now. To believe the pain won't last forever. To go through the pain and come out the other side stronger. To not let men be so important to me.

 

A lot of the action that I need to take is altering my thinking. When I think of MM, I mentally put a STOP sign up in my head.

 

My goal is to stay sober and enjoy the fellowship with my AA buddies in an authentic way. To live a normal, peaceful life with no drama but lots of interests and hobbies.

 

And, this will sound weird coming from me, but getting closer to God.

[solostand]

I asked my psychiatrist yesterday to give me some tranquilizers or something to get out of this pain and crying etc etc. He refused. He said tranquilizers will not heal my pain, I need to feel it and go through it.

 

I was hoping for tranquilizers, lol.

[Jesuischarlie]

It's ridiculous. They e been married 36years. Shes70. She's aware or senile.

[solostand]

She's 68. And she certainly didn't sound senile on the phone with me. Just very very angry.

[Realist3]

I asked my psychiatrist yesterday to give me some tranquilizers or something to get out of this pain and crying etc etc. He refused. He said tranquilizers will not heal my pain, I need to feel it and go through it.

 

I was hoping for tranquilizers, lol.

 

Good for him/her. Self-medicating hurt away solves nothing, whether it be a pill or a bottle.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The conversation was her reading text messages which she was receiving pertaining to the affair, and her demanding to know if I was sending the text messages. The text messages were all true but since I had nothing to do with the text messages, I truthfully told her I knew nothing about them. She also had some very upset questions about pictures of him on my Facebook page. I told her I have hundreds of pictures of my friends on my Facebook page. So no, I wasn't honest. She then put me back on the phone to her husband. She said: "I'll let you speak to your friend". I should have told her the truth. I didn't have the heart. There's still time to tell her the truth, but I think my choice will be to walk away as she already knows. I don't know. It was a very traumatic experience for both of us I'm sure. I'm thinking of confessing before they leave on their trip. I keep thinking she deserves to know the truth and it certainly shows me more of his character that faced with a total lie - which she KNEW was a lie - he kept lying. We were supposed to be at a meeting and he was really at my place. She asked him how the meeting was and he said it was good. Later she was told he wasn't even at the meeting, but he kept lying and saying he was THERE.

She also had their grown children all involved and all over my Facebook page, which is of course now locked down.

 

Here's how you end it, let him come over for that talk and record it. Send the recording to his wife in an audio file. THEN she will hear the truth from the horses mouth. If you have any pity at all, let her know who she is dealing with, exactly. You might even bring up the threat to snuff her out in the conversation. That's what she needs, that should end the drama. Who knows, in the end he may be free to return to you. You two seem more suited for each other anyway. Seems like you can understand each other's "problems" better.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's ridiculous. They e been married 36years. Shes70. She's aware or senile.

 

She's been dealing with an addict, it muddies the water. It's not like an otherwise healthy partner having an affair. Things get blamed in the addiction.

[solostand]

Here's how you end it, let him come over for that talk and record it. Send the recording to his wife in an audio file. THEN she will hear the truth from the horses mouth. If you have any pity at all, let her know who she is dealing with, exactly. You might even bring up the threat to snuff her out in the conversation. That's what she needs, that should end the drama. Who knows, in the end he may be free to return to you. You two seem more suited for each other anyway. Seems like you can understand each other's "problems" better.

 

I already have a recording that could be sent in an audio file. It is so terrible that I don't have the heart to inflict THAT pain on her.

[beach]

I asked my psychiatrist yesterday to give me some tranquilizers or something to get out of this pain and crying etc etc. He refused. He said tranquilizers will not heal my pain, I need to feel it and go through it.

 

I was hoping for tranquilizers, lol.

 

Solo this is the same theory as drinking.

 

Face your pain and walk through it to the other side. Own your part in it and begin changing things to get rid of your pain. It takes honesty and willingness to do new actions.

 

I hope you will.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I already have a recording that could be sent in an audio file. It is so terrible that I don't have the heart to inflict THAT pain on her.

 

That pain will set her free, that pain is nothing compared to the soul sucking wasteland that is gaslighting. I promise you, with that "pain" she will gain a bit of her sanity back.

[whichwayisup]

One thing I haven't seen is you actually telling him that you're done with him and the affair. He thinks things will continue once the dust settles. Why haven't you told him never to contact you again?

[Mount]

I had mentioned a few times, also you should have seen through people since you have been this here so long since year 2004, she never really wants to end affair with MM despite what she said or claimed in the posts, which can be ignored.

 

Solostand has not been honest with herself, whatelse you can expect, which means pages of pages of posts will lead to same thing over and over again.

 

 

One thing I haven't seen is you actually telling him that you're done with him and the affair. He thinks things will continue once the dust settles. Why haven't you told him never to contact you again?

[beach]

One thing I haven't seen is you actually telling him that you're done with him and the affair. He thinks things will continue once the dust settles. Why haven't you told him never to contact you again?

 

Because she thinks change comes from him.

 

 

When she realizes that change only comes from her - that's when things might begin to change.

 

Why does HE get to have all that power over you Solo? It's terribly backwards.

[Lurkeraspect]

One thing I haven't seen is you actually telling him that you're done with him and the affair. He thinks things will continue once the dust settles. Why haven't you told him never to contact you again?

 

That's the thing, isn't it?

 

Solo is so wrapped up in the drama, the "winning" of this old man she probably doesn't really want, she'll keep it going. It's a big F you to his BS, she wants to win, even though I doubt she really loves or wants this old dude.

 

She'll be back. Weeks of months from now, still stuck in the drama.

 

Solo...

 

He's shown his hand, he's not leaving her, he's playing you, he'll be back. Truth is...what are you going to do? Are you going to continue wasting your life on this? Stolen moments in a truck at the tail end of your AA meeting?

 

I hope you're done. I hope you'll forgo men for months/years and gain your sobriety and self worth.

 

Times ticking.

[solostand]

Well its been almost a week NC now and I have been doing serious soul searching.

 

I was letting this man fill a void in my life that I should have been filling myself. I need to work on myself. I had him on a pedestal most days, but now he is not on that pedestal.

 

I still have not told him it is over, but I think he gets it. The only thing I need to do now is get the courage to finally be truthful with his wife. I lied to cover his ass. I shouldn't have. At the time I was taken by surprise and felt loyalty to him. But now I realize that loyalty was misplaced. He was lying so well to her - he proved what a good liar he is.

 

And you are all right he is way too old for me. What is the point? Even if he did leave his wife, realistically I'd have maybe five years or less with him. Not worth inflicting pain on his family for that.

 

I regret the whole thing and wish I had a time machine.

[Mount]

That is not the point at all, you should face the true yourself asking yourself what you really want, because:

1) "And you are all right he is way too old for me. What is the point? Even if he did leave his wife, realistically I'd have maybe five years or less with him. Not worth inflicting pain on his family for that."

He is not too old for you (because you are not too young either), he is just not leaving wife, that is all. Thousands of posts and reality had shown you clearly.

2) "The only thing I need to do now is get the courage to finally be truthful with his wife."

You do not need to be truthful to HIS wife, because his wife is his wife. They are nothing to do with you. Manage yourself/ and life first.

3) You have repeatingly called MM is a lier...etc etc for a few years already, and you still choose to be involved with this MM.

The truth is you enjoys the little attention or drama, you won't let the affair end. Simple is that.

 

Well its been almost a week NC now and I have been doing serious soul searching.

 

I was letting this man fill a void in my life that I should have been filling myself. I need to work on myself. I had him on a pedestal most days, but now he is not on that pedestal.

 

I still have not told him it is over, but I think he gets it. The only thing I need to do now is get the courage to finally be truthful with his wife. I lied to cover his ass. I shouldn't have. At the time I was taken by surprise and felt loyalty to him. But now I realize that loyalty was misplaced. He was lying so well to her - he proved what a good liar he is.

 

And you are all right he is way too old for me. What is the point? Even if he did leave his wife, realistically I'd have maybe five years or less with him. Not worth inflicting pain on his family for that.

 

I regret the whole thing and wish I had a time machine.

[solostand]

He showed up at my door this morning. I told him it is over, we must have no contact any more. I told him I felt bad for hurting his wife and the best thing to do now is forget we ever knew each other. He was pretty upset but I think he got the message. He said he has been going through hell at home - his wife dragged him to the police to try to file a complaint about the text messages she's been getting. I said that's another good reason to go NC. It hurt to see him.

[beach]

He showed up at my door this morning. I told him it is over, we must have no contact any more. I told him I felt bad for hurting his wife and the best thing to do now is forget we ever knew each other. He was pretty upset but I think he got the message. He said he has been going through hell at home - his wife dragged him to the police to try to file a complaint about the text messages she's been getting. I said that's another good reason to go NC. It hurt to see him.

 

Good for you taking a stand!

[beach]

I hope you will stand firm on your decision and take action to insure that things end.

 

Do it for you.

[BetrayedH]

He showed up at my door this morning. I told him it is over, we must have no contact any more. I told him I felt bad for hurting his wife and the best thing to do now is forget we ever knew each other. He was pretty upset but I think he got the message. He said he has been going through hell at home - his wife dragged him to the police to try to file a complaint about the text messages she's been getting. I said that's another good reason to go NC. It hurt to see him.

 

This is obviously driving his wife crazy. Get your meeting with her over with.

 

Offer to meet with her at a public place. Tell her that she deserves the truth and that you'll answer truthfully about whatever it is she wants to know. Also tell her that it's over with him so this is a one shot deal because you need to put the whole mess behind you and heal.

 

Will it be uncomfortable meeting with her for an hour or two? Sure. And then it will be over. And if nothing else, you can say that you tried to do right by her at the end.

[jellybean89]

Did you have sex with him when he came to your house?

[OpenBook]

This is obviously driving his wife crazy. Get your meeting with her over with.

 

Offer to meet with her at a public place. Tell her that she deserves the truth and that you'll answer truthfully about whatever it is she wants to know.

 

Yeah, and I bet her first suggestion would be to meet... at the police station. Don't do it solo!! You already told the MM no further contact and "forget you ever knew each other." If you reach out to the W now, not only will you go back on your word, it'll just dredge everything up again for everybody... and you may even find yourself in a jail cell, and/or having to hire a lawyer, etc. Let your MM clean up the mess he's made of his own M. You're DONE. Walk away from it - not toward it!!

 

He showed up at my door this morning. I told him it is over, we must have no contact any more. I told him I felt bad for hurting his wife and the best thing to do now is forget we ever knew each other. He was pretty upset but I think he got the message. He said he has been going through hell at home - his wife dragged him to the police to try to file a complaint about the text messages she's been getting. I said that's another good reason to go NC. It hurt to see him.

[Lurkeraspect]

I would typically be in favor of spilling the beans to the BS, yet, in this messed up situation, I feel the best things the OP can do, is detach. I'm not saying if the BS comes to Solo and asks questions, I'm saying, Solo need not confront the BS and try and force her truth on her. She knows who Solo is, has her information, can easily find her. Has in fact. Yet the OP is still protecting the lying MM.

 

If anyone needs to walk away, it's you. You're not prepared for anything else, and I believe you'd still lie to cover old dude. Which keeps you trapped in the affair. And you've proved, more than once, that you have no boundaries.

 

Just leave them to it.

 

I hope you're truly done with this mess, but feel you'll be back in a few months still stuck in the drama you so crave.

[whichwayisup]

Glad you finally finally told him the A is over and told him not to contact you.

 

I hope he respects your decision and leaves you alone.

 

If at some point his wife calls and wants to talk to you, then I suggest you come clean with her and answer all that she wants to know.

 

Own your part in the affair with her husband, don't put all the blame on him.

 

Stay strong, work on you, continue with AA and counseling. Find a good sponsor as well.

[Midwestmissy]

As the bs, I have nightmares about the xmow contacting me. I never want to hear from her. I was only briefly in touch with her bh. There's nothing she could ever say that would be helpful. She knew I existed and my kids, before they hooked up, and she has a h and 4 kids. Just like my h knew about her family situation. Knowing that about her and knowing they had a secret relationship tells me a lot about them both. I would have respected her if she had contacted me when she first realized my h was interested in having sex with her. That was info I could have used.

 

My point is, she's hurting, probably reacting very primally trying to deal with all this, and she needs less drama to heal. I'd leave her alone, she's very raw.