solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. Put yourself in her shoes. She is frantic, her life as she knows it is over. Start with being better by telling her the truth. At least give her that. Good luck on your healing. Peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. If you want to disclose that to the BS I think it would be good. Maybe not share every detail but just map out what you think she'd like to have access too. It would at least let her know what kind of POS her husband is with his continued lies to minimize and continue the betrayal. I would also feel it out and make sure she doesn't go phsycho on you. I mean like come over and harm you or your property. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. Hearing the truth from anyone is painful. Yes it would be best for him to get honest. But we know that won't happen soooo... Be honest. I'm not a BS but a WS. Lying when caught is mind f*ckery. It is far more cruel and painful for you to ignore her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 She asked him where I lived and he lied. As usual. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful... I think that was more in reference to the times the BS doesn't yet know and the A is being disclosed by the OW/OM. Much more of a shock, IMO. In this case, she already knows and may be coming to you. Still painful, but the shock of you giving her answers to questions she would be asking is less. She's already bracing herself for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 tell her the truth. The absolute truth. And then dump this loser. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She asked him where I lived and he lied. As usual. Well, no surprise there. A cheater will lie, lie, lie to everyone including you. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 It does not matter where the truth comes from it hurts all the same. If she does call you ..you should tell her the truth and be prepared to hear some hard truth yourself ...as you will find out their marriage is not what he says it is. In my situation...I did not care much for the ow or that I wanted to know anything from her...to me she was just a number any woman in her place ready willing gullible and delusional. I am new here ...I have read a lot of your post ..you almost come across as arrogant and proud in most of them like you are in control and your mm left his wife for you.. the last I read how openly he is having his affair and all the pics you are putting up on your fb and how his wife is aware of his affair blah blah...here is a reality check ....you need help...you are up and down and all over the place ...He is still with his wife /still asking you to lie or deny you are still questioning if you should lie or deny ,you don't control anything. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Answer the phone. Take your lumps, and be honest. If she starts asking for gory details, just tell her that you aren't comfortable sharing those details, but that you can confirm the affair was physical. Then apologize. You just put her in a world of hurt that will take her years to recover from. Doesn't seem worth it now, does it... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I'm not a BS, but at this point I wouldn't lie. You do need to be prepared to give her some evidence of the A to prove he's lying. Also be prepared to look like the bad guy. I'm willing to bet he will throw you under the bus. I've read a lot of your posts it's time for you to get rid of this guy for good. This is not a healthy life for you. He gives you food that his wife made for him. He gives you money and flaunts you around and then has the nerve to lie to his wife about the A. What a d#ck! IMHO, he's treating you like a prostitute. This is the time for you to be honest to the wife and move on with your life without him. It sounds like you guys live in a smaller area. You're going to get a bad rep, but being honest this day forward is the only way to redeem yourself. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. When the OW reached out to me giving me my most recent Dday I cannot thank her enough. I would have never known their A went underground for another 2 years (I thought I was in R). I no longer have any ill will towards her either. Even though both contributed to the A, it was the OW who gave me my clarity, and not my WH. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I think for your own peace of mind, admitting the truth as respectfully as possible and apologizing would be appropriate. Just be aware he isn't going to like it. I think you might find it interesting to hear the other side of the story as well. Chances are that he hasn't been telling you the complete truth and once you find out, it might give you the momentum to leave this toxic person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Please tell her the truth. You can try to let her know how long and some things, but do be gentle. She is in pain, and she does need the truth. Maybe she will kick him out and let you have him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 What a scumbag. Be better than him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. You don't have to give details just confirm for her what she already knows. I hope you are done now. Here is a man who you have had a relationship with for two years, whom I assume you care deeply for wanting you participate more to conceal this A that I'm sure you signed up for. He is trying to save his *own* a$$ in all this. He would throw you under the bus if he had to. He is not willing to leave all this for you. He isn't suggesting (in the least) "ok, now that she knows we can work on being together after the D". You know that if you did tell the wife the truth and/or confirm for her the worst he will still deny and call *you* a liar. Bet your butt he will say, "She's Crazy!! She has always had a thing for me and now is trying to break us up. Do you want her to win"? Do you want to be his scapegoat and/or side piece? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 A lot of the people on this site are BS's and they are going to be biased towards full disclosure and then a heartfelt apology and then disemboweling yourself publicly for your sins. As I am not a BS (that I know of anyway) I don't have such a deep-rooted, personal bias. The truth is, you owe her nothing and have no obligation to tell her anything. I do agree with the others that in the long run it will make it worse on everyone if you lie or fabricate or try to cover anything up. If you do not have any personal convictions towards disclosure, I recommend just saying nothing. You are not obligated to answer your phone or return calls. You are not obligated to answer your door. You are not obligated to return emails or answer any questions in any manner. If she approaches you on the street, you can walk away. If she shows up at your place of business you are within your right to ask her to leave and to be escorted off the premises if she does not comply. If she threatens, harasses or provokes you, you can report her to the authorities. If she attacks you, you have the right to self defense. In a nutshell, she has no authority over you and has no entitlement to your personal affairs (no pun intended). She has a right to know where her husband's genitals have been and what he's been up to but she has absolutely no right to your private life. What has taken place in your bed is none of her business and you are entitled to your privacy. She has no claim over you or your sexuality. She can bar you from her house and property but she has no right to know your personal business and no right to your sexual business or information. This is between her and her husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew. Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight. I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself. If a BS reaches out to the OW, asks questions, respectfully you should answer what she wants to know. Don't deny, don't lie. Your A IS over solo. Come clean, set yourself free and be the woman you're meant to be, live a clean and honest life now. What hurts a BS is when an OW flaunts the A, yet denies it when the BS KNOWS there's something going on. Gas lighting...That is what HE is doing her, making her feel crazy. Confirm what she knows already, fill in the blanks, tell your side of things. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 The truth is, you owe her nothing and have no obligation to tell her anything. This is very true, and a great point. There is only a moral obligation. And morality has no place in an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You don't have to disembowel yourself, or whatever other over-the-top, grandiose description of something that isn't necessary is. You could just act like a human being, see where her heads at, and talk to her rationally about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Zigoto2 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I would tell her the truth. You don't need to give sordid details, but you should tell her you were involved with her husband. After getting involved with her husband and making choices that affect her life you owe her that truth. I know many OW don't believe that they are at fault for hurting a betrayed spouse. Truth is they are. They are an active participant in an affair, they know of the existence of the spouse, they invest themselves in a relationship with someone they know is lying and cheating someone else and they do share responsibility. If my husband's married other woman had owned up to her part and the level of her involvement in her relationship with my husband, I would have much more respect for her than I have now. I have never phoned her or talked to her after the affair was discovered. I have read a long email she sent my husband after she tried to talk to him two months after he told her the affair was over. He had walked away from her saying he didn't want to talk and she was upset (which I can understand). The email basically said that the 3 year affair (6 months EA, 27 months PA) was all his fault and that he was the one who had hurt me, not her. I don't think my husband forced her into a long term affair and I do know that even though he's the one that took vows with me she actively participated in something that hurt her own marriage, my marriage and that could have had life changing impact on both our children's lives. Being honest and kind to her makes you a better person. And please tell your partner that he's digging himself in a deeper hole with all of his lies. She knows he's lying, and now, so do you. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) What do you want to do with your relationship with MM? Be honest with us here on LS. Your answer kind of frames my response to your question. Edited January 16, 2015 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Solo, you are not this woman's problem. Her husband is. You don't have to tell her anything, and he would call you a liar anyway, then YOU would be the bad guy, allowing both he and she to rug sweep is crap. Just walk away and work on you. Sending you hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I kind of think I should tell her the truth. But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone. Are you trying to delude yourself or us? You don't want to talk to his wife because you don't want to face the ugliness of the situation your affair with your MM has created. This conversation would be like looking into a mirror of your own soul and you are scared of what you are going to see. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 lot of the people on this site are BS's and they are going to be biased towards full disclosure and then a heartfelt apology and then disemboweling yourself publicly for your sins. You may want to read her past posts before you decide who to chuck spears at- I don't think you have to be a BS to understand that when someone asks you for honesty in a situation like this, you own up to your role in a situation- to twist it any other way and pretend that when you knowingly hurt another person with your actions you owe them nothing is just so unhealthy- civilized adults just don't operate that way, they just don't-please spare me the argument that he made the vow not her-you don't have to be married to someone or even know them personally to treat them right-just because I don't know you doesn't mean I can eff with your life-what a freaking cop out that is- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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