Question for BS

[ComingInHot]

Solo, stand up and say Your truth. You know you have wanted to for a loooong time. Just show a tiny bit of restraint and respect when doing so.

CiH*

[aStranger]

Listen to the BW's who are providing advice.

 

My 2 cents is: when she finds out he cheated she is going to be devastated. You've been part of this hurtful event so I think you need to be accountable. If she does call, tell her the truth. Like Coming said, hold back any details you think could hurt her but tell her things like when it started, if its over, how long has it been going on - etc. She has a right to know and if she is courageous enough to call you - the OW - you need to be honest.

[oldshirt]

lot of the people on this site are BS's and they are going to be biased towards full disclosure and then a heartfelt apology and then disemboweling yourself publicly for your sins.

 

 

You may want to read her past posts before you decide who to chuck spears at-

 

I don't think you have to be a BS to understand that when someone asks you for honesty in a situation like this, you own up to your role in a situation- to twist it any other way and pretend that when you knowingly hurt another person with your actions you owe them nothing is just so unhealthy- civilized adults just don't operate that way, they just don't-please spare me the argument that he made the vow not her-you don't have to be married to someone or even know them personally to treat them right-just because I don't know you doesn't mean I can eff with your life-what a freaking cop out that is-

 

I'm not a BS but I'm looking at it from the standpoint of what my actions would be towards the OM if I was. I may go kick his ass, I may tell him to stay away from my house and kids. If he were married or involved with someone else, I would disclose it to his wife. If the affair were in the work place and in violation of some policy, I would disclose it to his HR dept. and I may just call him a few choice names and leave it at that.

 

What would be pointless to do would to call him up and have a conversation about the affair and ask him any questions. He would either lie or cover things up or just weave whatever twisted tale he felt like pulling out of his butt. It would gather no useful information because at that point I would already know that the affair existed.

 

It would be pointless to ask any "whyyyyyyyyy?" Questions because I would already know why - because he wanted to screw some other chick.

 

And he would be completely in his right to tell me to bugger off and leave him alone. He is a consenting adult and can screw whoever he wants that's of legal age and consenting, so if that's my wife, then that's on her.

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow but OM/OWs owe BSs nothing. When a WS and AP hook up, it is something between consenting adults. The commitment and exclusivity agreement are between the husband and wife. The AP is under no obligation to answer any questions or discuss the A with the BS at all.

[gettingstronger]

It's a bitter pill to swallow but OM/OWs owe BSs nothing.

 

 

you do know the OP is in AA and one of the tenants of AA is to make amends to those you have hurt- if making amends is good for those with addiction problems, it should be good enough for all. Sorry that in your worldw only some people owe others honesty and remorse when they have wronged them- thats unfortunate for all that encounter you- I am hoping the OP is better than that-

Namaste-

[oldshirt]

...now that being said, if the AP has true remorse and sincerely feels bad for the harm they've caused and they want to apologize and want to come clean and be candid about whatever the BS wants to know, they certainly can and should.

 

And I agree with y'all that it is the moral, ethical and "right" thing to do. But morals and ethics had already gone out e window a long time ago.

 

If an AP wants nothing to do with the BS, they are within their right to not answer any questions or discuss the A with the BS at all. That may make them an even $h!ttier person, but it's better than continuing to lie and cover up and make excuses.

[oldshirt]

It's a bitter pill to swallow but OM/OWs owe BSs nothing.

 

 

you do know the OP is in AA and one of the tenants of AA is to make amends to those you have hurt- if making amends is good for those with addiction problems, it should be good enough for all. Sorry that in your worldw only some people owe others honesty and remorse when they have wronged them- thats unfortunate for all that encounter you- I am hoping the OP is better than that-

Namaste-

 

If she makes amends to those she hurt, that would be good of her.

 

I'm just saying she has no obligation to meet with the BS and answer any questions.

 

And this affair went on for 2 years. I don't think she has any actual remorse.

 

She's just bummed and inconvenienced it all blew up and came to a head. She's not remorseful for having the affair. She's irritated it blew up and concerned about what's going to happen to her.

[gettingstronger]

If an AP wants nothing to do with the BS, they are within their right to not answer any questions or discuss the A with the BS at all.

 

 

Within their right to be wrong- sorry pal, when you involve yourself in hurting another you owe them-you can choose not to, but its your choice, not your right- I can choose to be a crappy person, but I don't have the right to do so-I think you may be confusing "rights" with choices-

[Bootsie]

After my d-day I telephoned the OW. I was reasonably sure my WH hadn't given her the heads up that D-day had occurred.

 

 

I said: "this is B..., I'm C...'s wife and I know about you and him".

 

 

She seemed stunned and finally said: "C.. Who? I know lots of guys called C...".

 

 

This was ludicrous because my WH has an unusual pronunciation of his name. I laughed and said "have you been screwing lots of guys called C?"

 

 

At this point she gave up trying to lie and said she was sorry. I told her to stay away from my family and that was it.

[merrmeade]

I kind of think I should tell her the truth.

But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself.

Just paying attention to the words in your post and not projecting what I think is right or wrong, it sounds like you are motivated out of conscience and compassion since you're concerned about causing her more pain, say you're inclined to think you should tell her the truth and just want confirmation.

 

Well, I think it will go a long way toward helping each of you move forward. Sounds like you've already figured out that she's probably craving information that is truthful since he's lied, so you will be doing her a huge favor by being truthful. She might want to know things like was there intercourse, how often, does he say he loves you, have you had sex in my bed, so if you are not comfortable with all those specifics you might head off the questions with a prepared answer that reveals as much as you feel ok about sharing. I think if you hit those main items and then say that's it, she'll be grateful.

 

The way that the OW protected my WH after D-day was as hard to get over as the affair itself, especially since it as a family member I'd felt close to. She was a lawyer, too, and just clammed up. Wouldn't talk except to put me on the defensive. As devastating as finding out about the sex. So your attitude is good.

[velvette]

So after a two year affair with MM today is D-Day. She found out and confronted him yesterday - he lied even though she KNEW he was lying and he knew she knew.

 

Anyway, he called me today to give me a heads-up. He said I should expect a call from her and asked me to deny deny deny and keep our stories straight.

 

I kind of think I should tell her the truth.

But then I read somewhere hearing the truth from the OW is extremely painful, so I'm tempted not to answer the phone.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. And yes, I know what we did was wrong and am now facing the pain that wrong has caused. Beat me up all you like, because I'm already doing it to myself.

 

 

If she calls you, just answer her questions truthfully as to things you know to be fact....i.e. how long, when/where, etc.

 

 

But, be aware that your truth may not be his truth or even THE truth so don't try to interpret facts for her.

 

 

He's lying to her, so he's probably lying to you. What you think is the truth is probably just the version of what he tells you that you believe. That truth likely has no relevance to her.

[katielee]

answering as a former WW - his BS called me. I answered every question truthfully. I could hear her writing down my answers. She thanked me for having courage to do this for her - her exact words.

We have nothing in our life but our own integrity. Start living up to that.

[oldshirt]

If an AP wants nothing to do with the BS, they are within their right to not answer any questions or discuss the A with the BS at all.

 

 

Within their right to be wrong- sorry pal, when you involve yourself in hurting another you owe them-you can choose not to, but its your choice, not your right- I can choose to be a crappy person, but I don't have the right to do so-I think you may be confusing "rights" with choices-

 

not confused at all.

 

 

 

 

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it is the right thing to do.

[oldshirt]

Perhaps I should have worded it this way - If Solo has a true remorse and sincerely wants to make amends and offer a true and heartfelt apology for what she has done - then she should face the BS, make an apology and be open and accountable for her actions. I think we can all be in agreement to one degree or another with that.

 

 

However -

 

 

I don't think Solo is remorseful and I don't think she has a sincere interest in making amends and righting her wrongs.

 

 

She is like the thief who has no remorse for the crime but is irate he/she got caught and who's primary interest is coming out of it with the least repercussion to him/herself.

 

 

For that the best course of action is the 5th Amendment - remain silent. Let other built the case with what they have. Anything she would say will just throw fuel on the fire.

 

 

As she has no true remorse and no sincere desire to make amends or take accountability, all she would do in a confrontation with the wife is try to BS and rugsweep and gaslight and weasel her way out. This will just prolong and intensify the drama and pain and dysfunction for everyone.

 

 

Just as in the Miranda Warning when informing a suspect of his/her rights while being placed under arrest - 'everything you say, can and will be used against you...'

 

 

In this case, everything she would say will make it worse for everyone. It will throw a big bucket of gas on the fire.

 

 

Yes, for a person with sincere remorse and desire to right their wrongs, the best course of action is to be open and accountable and do what you can to fix it.

 

 

For the non remorseful the best course of action is to just shut up and stay out of it.

[solostand]

Well she called last night and she is truly truly devastated. MM is still lying to her, despite all the evidence she has uncovered. I am upset but I can't imagine my feelings are anywhere near as bad as she must feel now.

[Zenstudent]

Just because you don't feel remorse and don't want to face consequences, doesn't mean that you don't have moral responsibilities and obligations towards those you wrong.

 

I know moral is a negative concept these days, but wouldn't the world be a better place to be if we all were accountable to each other, no exceptions?

[Arieswoman]

OP,

As a BS, all I wanted from my husband's AP was confirmation of her name and address, so I knew where my solicitor should send the divorce papers. She received these about a week after DD, I believe.

[nightmare01]

I am going to part ways with many here and say that if BW contacts you, that you should give her as much truth as she wants. Be an open book and tell it all, but at the same time don't be vindictive with the facts - don't twist the knife in the wound.

 

You made a choice to be with this man knowing full well that he was married. You knew this would hurt his wife and possibly destroy his family. Yes - that was his wife and his family, and he made that choice, but you had a part in that too.

 

I believe we are responsible for the choices we make. Affairs are choices that have disastrous consequences. When those consequences come to your door you basically have 2 choices.

 

You can have the moral backbone to stand up and accept those consequences by acknowledging your part in causing this womans pain, that is the moral and ethical path. Following this path drives home the lesson that comes from the choice you made. Once this lesson is lived and learned, my feeling is that the original choice will likely not be made again.

 

You can also dodge the consequence of your actions. This is of course the unethical and immoral path. Following this way you will not learn the lesson that comes as a consequence of your choice and actions - and it's likely that choice and action will be repeated again at some time.

 

Yes - I am a BH, and so have a prejudice toward telling the truth. A BS has the right to know what their life truly is, because whoever holds truth from another, controls their actions. Doing this IMO is profoundly disrespectful. You MM is trying to manipulate his BW by keeping the truth from her. Please have enough respect for a fellow human being to tell them the truth.

[goodyblue]

I am going to part ways with many here and say that if BW contacts you, that you should give her as much truth as she wants. Be an open book and tell it all, but at the same time don't be vindictive with the facts - don't twist the knife in the wound.

 

You made a choice to be with this man knowing full well that he was married. You knew this would hurt his wife and possibly destroy his family. Yes - that was his wife and his family, and he made that choice, but you had a part in that too.

 

I believe we are responsible for the choices we make. Affairs are choices that have disastrous consequences. When those consequences come to your door you basically have 2 choices.

 

You can have the moral backbone to stand up and accept those consequences by acknowledging your part in causing this womans pain, that is the moral and ethical path. Following this path drives home the lesson that comes from the choice you made. Once this lesson is lived and learned, my feeling is that the original choice will likely not be made again.

 

You can also dodge the consequence of your actions. This is of course the unethical and immoral path. Following this way you will not learn the lesson that comes as a consequence of your choice and actions - and it's likely that choice and action will be repeated again at some time.

 

Yes - I am a BH, and so have a prejudice toward telling the truth. A BS has the right to know what their life truly is, because whoever holds truth from another, controls their actions. Doing this IMO is profoundly disrespectful. You MM is trying to manipulate his BW by keeping the truth from her. Please have enough respect for a fellow human being to tell them the truth.

 

Morals are subjective. You've no right to push that onto someone else. What in your jaded view may be right is not necessarily right for OP and since you have necer been OM I would wager you've no idea what she is going through.

[nightmare01]

Yes morals are in some sense subjective. But I think we can agree that to cause harm to another is wrong.

 

And I was an OM twice before I met my wife. Both times I entered into the relationship believing the woman was single.. when I found out I got out. To this day I feel bad for the BH - and at some level believe that my WW's cheating was come kind of bad karma thing on me.

[Zenstudent]

Morals are subjective. You've no right to push that onto someone else. What in your jaded view may be right is not necessarily right for OP and since you have necer been OM I would wager you've no idea what she is going through.

This may be true, but the more values and morals we share, the easier it is to navigate.

 

Do you think that dishonesty is a value worth sharing?

[goodyblue]

What I think is exactly what I said. Subjective. My guy's ex had no problem breaking her vows over and ovet, every day for twelve years. He broke his vows for a short period, then left. She holds herself blameless and morally suoerior. Her ex husband on the other hand, feels he was much more hurt by the vows she broke. Some would disagree.

 

Subjective.

[Zenstudent]

What I think is exactly what I said. Subjective. My guy's ex had no problem breaking her vows over and ovet, every day for twelve years. He broke his vows for a short period, then left. She holds herself blameless and morally suoerior. Her ex husband on the other hand, feels he was much more hurt by the vows she broke. Some would disagree.

 

Subjective.

That's not what I asked - do you think dishonesty is a value worth sharing?

[goodyblue]

I dunno, is your wife's butt fat? Is your boss's wife lovely? Is your m-i-l a wonderful person? Depends. Would i want to be lied to about something major? No. Do I understand why sometimes it happens? Yes. When my guy's ex called me out I did not lie, i simply referred her back to her husband. He omitted, didn't lie. I don't think you can push your morals onto someone else.

[BurnedAndLost]

OP. Im a BS and I don't think you OWE his BS anything.

 

I do think coming clean can be an important step in freeing yourself.

I think that's what most of us here want for you. For you to be happy and for you to have a healthy relationship with yourself, and when the time comes a healthy romantic relationship.

Edited January 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed rude post

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well she called last night and she is truly truly devastated. MM is still lying to her, despite all the evidence she has uncovered. I am upset but I can't imagine my feelings are anywhere near as bad as she must feel now.

 

Were you able to answer her questions? What did you say to her and was she civil? You said he is still lying, is he denying it ever happened? Did either of you get any closure from your talk and do you think she will call again?