whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Well she called last night and she is truly truly devastated. MM is still lying to her, despite all the evidence she has uncovered. I am upset but I can't imagine my feelings are anywhere near as bad as she must feel now. Now do you have some compassion for her? Do you see that he's mislead you, lied to you for so long? For so many months you had believed she knew but chose to ignore, along with some other not so nice things you chose to believe about her. Your MM pitted you against her, saying shi.tty things behind her back to you, to keep you into him and the affair. Your MM is a liar and has no balls to face up to what he's done. For your own sake, come clean and help her with your side of the truth. Do the right thing, put yourself in her shoes, and ask yourself what you'd want. The truth or to be lied to and gas lit over and over again, making yourself feel crazy when people keep lying to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I don't this particular BS is going to listen to anything you have to say right now. She's out of her mind with grief and anger and embarrassment and fear of it all. She's had an inkling that something has been going on with you and her husband for quite some time now. The fact that her husband isn't sitting her down and explaining the truth to her is making it worse. Should she happen to call you, I seriously doubt you will have any kind of rational discussion with her. She's angry. She has every right to be. Her husband has made a fool out of her and you helped him. I personally think you need to remove yourself from the equation altogether but I don't think you will. You have repeatedly admitted to enjoying the drama of it all and that fueled your feelings for this MM. I say you should NOT speak to her at all. Normally I would say that you should let her know that her fears are not unfounded, that yes it's all true, that yes he has been flaunting around town with you repeatedly. The things he's said to you about her, the disgusting way he's talked about her to you, the way you yourself have berated her and spoken down about her is just disgusting. At this point, it would be in your own best interest to just stay away from the situation. Don't talk to him, don't talk to her, end it all now. Maybe at some point down the road after the dust has settled she'll be able to talk to you and hear the truth about what a piece of **** her husband is, but right now isn't the time. You have spent too much time hoping for this incident to occur, hoping he would finally leave her, hoping she would finally find out the truth that I'd be worried about the way you would interact with her about it all. I fear you'd want to rub it in her face and make it known to her what he said to you... to validate your own feelings for him, to make it known that he has made a point of making a fool out of her and how much he hates her and how much he loves you. It's not a good situation and you knew this was coming. Just stay away from her at all costs. Lock down your facebook, close off any opportunity for discussion with her. She'll figure it out on her own what happened. She really doesn't need you to tell her. You risk making yourself look like a crazy nutcase if you try to interact with her and tell your side of the story. Just leave her be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Yes morals are in some sense subjective. But I think we can agree that to cause harm to another is wrong. And I was an OM twice before I met my wife. Both times I entered into the relationship believing the woman was single.. when I found out I got out. To this day I feel bad for the BH - and at some level believe that my WW's cheating was come kind of bad karma thing on me. Technically you were a OM. Though if you dropped them as soon as you found out. Then the karma bus should of not stopped at your house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 2 years is a long time to be in an A. I think for most BS this would be a total deal breaker. What your MM did was wrong. The BS should have kicked him in the a$$ for giving you a heads up. Who the heck is he protecting? I wouldn't recommend any calls with the OW or OM. I had only one talk and wished I never did. The conversation is always about lies. I doubt any BS will hear the truth. The only truth we as BS need to know and reconcile is the fact that our spouses slept with other people. The conversation and decisions needs to happen within the M. I don't see where ant AP has any business or say in any of it. Truthfully the Other Person is not important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well she called last night and she is truly truly devastated. MM is still lying to her, despite all the evidence she has uncovered. I am upset but I can't imagine my feelings are anywhere near as bad as she must feel now.OP, this is weird for me. I mean I've never been an OW and all I've I've seen about them is shocking gaps in understanding, distorted perceptions of reality and fossilized patterns of rationalization and blame-shifting, not to mention their imperviousness to BS suffering. You are an anomaly for me. So I wonder if maybe OW thinking is different right after D-day and maybe they get defensive and tighten their armor over time, which is what everyone else assumes. But right now, it's the other way around. I mean, you already get some things pointed out. I would guess you're in process right now and far from ready to do all that hindsight assessment you've been handed here. More important is that you're open and reporting what is happening truthfully with no glossing over or reinterpretation. You're calling a lie a lie. You're not blocking the reality of the BW's pain. Even better, you report your observations simply with straightforward facts. It's wrong and preemptive to barrage, what seems to be, genuine authenticity, vulnerability and openness with moralizing. I've done this myself, launch into the regular soapbox without really listening, but there's been way too much of it here for you to benefit from now. Worse, I don't see many focused on your actual words and what they convey about where you are RIGHT NOW, what you're feeling and realizing. Furthermore, I fear that, if you pay too much attention to all the name-calling and labels, some of which don't even relate to your situation, it could color your simple, natural, human impulse of compassion. I don't want us to mess with that. Haven't you heard enough to realize that continuing to act upon your good and generous feelings for this woman will help her? And, I would add, yourself. You might go the next step and the next step to find your way to health and a clear, redemptive view of looking at the current and past situation, your lover, his wife and, ultimately, yourself. I mean, if my H and OW relative had shown me a fraction of the openness and willingness to observe, listen and learn, the compassion that you have expressed, I don't think I would've been so crushed. So whatever you end up doing, I'm glad I've seen that it's possible. I would wish for you and all the people involved in your situation to find a professional to work with because, I fear, Loveshack is failing you (and I never thought I'd say that). I'm not saying you can't discriminate the dross from the meaningful, but I'm sure you are in quite a bit of turmoil yourself. It would be hard to stay on-course and know what's good and right, considering what must be your deep feelings for the WS. Consider seeing a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) I don't this particular BS is going to listen to anything you have to say right now. She's out of her mind with grief and anger and embarrassment and fear of it all. She's had an inkling that something has been going on with you and her husband for quite some time now. The fact that her husband isn't sitting her down and explaining the truth to her is making it worse. Should she happen to call you, I seriously doubt you will have any kind of rational discussion with her. She's angry. She has every right to be. Her husband has made a fool out of her and you helped him. I personally think you need to remove yourself from the equation altogether but I don't think you will. You have repeatedly admitted to enjoying the drama of it all and that fueled your feelings for this MM. I say you should NOT speak to her at all. Normally I would say that you should let her know that her fears are not unfounded, that yes it's all true, that yes he has been flaunting around town with you repeatedly. The things he's said to you about her, the disgusting way he's talked about her to you, the way you yourself have berated her and spoken down about her is just disgusting. At this point, it would be in your own best interest to just stay away from the situation. Don't talk to him, don't talk to her, end it all now. Maybe at some point down the road after the dust has settled she'll be able to talk to you and hear the truth about what a piece of **** her husband is, but right now isn't the time. You have spent too much time hoping for this incident to occur, hoping he would finally leave her, hoping she would finally find out the truth that I'd be worried about the way you would interact with her about it all. I fear you'd want to rub it in her face and make it known to her what he said to you... to validate your own feelings for him, to make it known that he has made a point of making a fool out of her and how much he hates her and how much he loves you. It's not a good situation and you knew this was coming. Just stay away from her at all costs. Lock down your facebook, close off any opportunity for discussion with her. She'll figure it out on her own what happened. She really doesn't need you to tell her. You risk making yourself look like a crazy nutcase if you try to interact with her and tell your side of the story. Just leave her be. You are SO right . After 36 years she knows. She just wants to blame you. My mm also got his BS to call me. She didn't want the truth. She wanted him to burn me. She kept him....at any cost. He told me she would Edited January 18, 2015 by Jesuischarlie Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 You are SO right . After 36 years she knows. She just wants to blame you. My mm also got his BS to call me. She didn't want the truth. She wanted him to burn me. She kept him....at any cost. He told me she would Why is it on the BS to initiate the divorce? If the MM is SO in love with you, he could surely file for divorce. "She kept him".... Sound like he "kept" her too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Yeah great. ... When you have been together that long. It's difficult to extract yourself. I guess the above poster is like that Link to post Share on other sites
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