How soon should we feel that zing?

[genuinelyloverly7]

How soon do you think "should" you feel something for your date/crush/interest, beyond thinking 'oh, they are nice/cute/sexy/et cetera'?

 

I am talking body sensations. Little, big, up top, down below, whatever. Anything beyond the mental responses that occur consciously.

 

I am working on getting back in touch with my body in other ways more again, so I acknowledge it could be that. But it has never been an issue to this extent before (except it has been going on for almost 2 years now, on and off- off because I had a little thing with a guy for a while, but it just fizzled on my part and I ended it not very well, I am sure). This is after my emotional divorce from my LTR about 4 years ago, whose actions and real emotional capabilities I was blind to. So blind I tried to make it work a second time a year later (so about 2 years ago), and it ended BADLY.

 

Also I have thought about it being some sort of hormonal imbalance, and am taking a homeopathic remedy that I know works. It gets my physical responses active, but they are all still focused on safe, unrealistic fantasy scenarios. When it comes time to connect physically/emotionally, it goes out the window and I feel nothing but disappointment and like I disappointed this nice person.

 

Am I too wounded to try to be emotionally responsible to a lover right now? Do I need some sort of therapy? I am even beginning to think about sex therapy, because of the sexually warped way my ex negotiated our relationship.

 

As to how I am trying to address this, I am beginning to practice tantra, and engage my bdsm thoughts in a safe space (I am still looking for this, actually), and asking for energy work from my friend who practices sexual energetics and reiki. I am also focusing on getting my space more sensual, so I don't feel like I am constantly trying to fight against my environment.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Hopes]

honestly, I think you may be a bit over anticipating the feelings of love.. that or I have no idea what love is. I have had a two year and five year relationship. For me, if I find them attractive, if they make me horny, and if I enjoy sex with them combined with enjoying all the other time we spend with each other, our communication and existence together, well what more can I ask for. Basically, if I don't want to **** them at least once a day and I get bored talking to them, it's time to move on.

[JChristie]

i know what you mean about the feeling. for me it has hit me over the head at various times after meeting someone. it could be instantaneous or take a few dates.

 

in general, if i know that someone really likes me or is really attracted to me, that also can trigger the zing. so although you may be dating perfectly nice men, they are also carrying emotional baggage of some kind that is inhibiting them as well. even if they are unaware.

 

as i have gotten more experience, i have developed new filters that make it more difficult to trust and thus the zing is harder to create. i must feel a lot of trust and desire before the zing appears.

 

it sounds like the work you are doing will clear a lot of your energy field around this issue. and will help you attract a clear and loving partner.

Edited January 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
external link ~T

[d0nnivain]

You can't measure this stuff on a calendar. Plus I don't really understand your word choice.

 

To me that "Zing" is the instantaneous physical attraction -- call it chemistry, lust, love at first sight or whatever but that for me comes the moment I lay eyes on someone.

 

Like comes later, after a few conversations, maybe some kissing.

 

Love is waaaaaayyyyy down the road.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I appreciate the replies, all.

 

@hopes- I get all mushy feeling in my stomach and lower when I fantasize about my life partner. I also get all excited thinking about them sexually, so I know it isn't a strictly libido thing. I have had relationships like you describe, and to me, that is friendship. Or the comfortable end result of a good relationship.

 

 

@JChristie- I appreciate you sharing that it varies. And I too get a little tiny response when I feel that someone is into me (usually in my chest/stomach). And I too think that it many times has to do with the baggage those folks carry, if it is similar to mine. We all instinctually move towards the familiar, even if it is bad for us. Which is why I am focusing on being conscious of my decision making process, instead of falling into a relationship with the same kinds of people I always have. Maybe too conscious? Should I let things happen, and not try to make sure they are someone who I would be interested in?

 

@Donnivan- yes, I too feel like the zing, by definition, is instantaneous. But it has been so long since I felt it I wondered if I was misinterpreting it all. Or with anyone if something is wrong with me. Or if I am getting to the point where I want real depth with a long term partner, and just haven't connected deeply enough.

 

I think the thing that has me the most 'worried' or freaked out in some way, is this book I read a year ago, called Addiction to Love. My sister got it for me suggesting I may be addicted to the rush, and codependent and other stuff. So now I worry that I am just chasing a high, or so unconsciously stuck on my ex that I cannot feel anything for anyone else any more. Kinda right on, in regards to my past relationship behaviors, but not relating to the new more aware me very much at all. And I do feel like I have changed in many many of my reactions, responses, and desires.

But what if I can't stop? I think that this thought is what scares me more than anything. If I start to care for someone again, and then they aren't who I need/want/thought them to be, will I be able to break mine and another persons heart again? Or will I sublimate my issues for the sake of love? Or will my lack of verbal communication abilities make me a silent partner in a horrible relationship? I have done these in the past, and fear being back there again.

 

Wow! Revelations on LS! It may be time to find another therapist. I thought I was moving through these issues, and wouldn't need it anymore. But therapy never gets too far. The therapists don't put as much direction/focus/action in it as I wold like.

 

I just want to get butterflies in my stomach again, and have my heartstrings tugged by someone other than a kitten. And have all that turn into something real. Who I want to have sex with, and save the word one tree at a time with. And smoke Mary with. And have kids with one day. Maybe this is the end result of being focused on myself too much.

 

I think that OLD is a big hindrance to this whole 'feeling more' thing. I am probably going to turn off the sites for a while, or only meet up with people who want to be friends for now. Maybe that will turn into something later. Or at least I will have a new friend! But the dating scene where I live is intolerably not my type.

 

Maybe it is like real estate. Location, location, location.

[aggie382]

You can't measure this stuff on a calendar. Plus I don't really understand your word choice.

 

To me that "Zing" is the instantaneous physical attraction -- call it chemistry, lust, love at first sight or whatever but that for me comes the moment I lay eyes on someone.

 

Like comes later, after a few conversations, maybe some kissing.

 

Love is waaaaaayyyyy down the road.

 

I agree with this all the way. The 'zing' is definitely at first sight. I don't think you can take it any further without feeling that feeling.

[PhoenixRysing]

I have a very similar story to you and I have had a terrible time dating since my divorce. I have rarely, if ever found chemistry since we parted. I honestly thought something was wrong with me physically for a while as well. When I did finally find a man I was hot for, I was so excited that I thought he and I must be slated for some epic love affair. I mean, if I never feel anything, but with him I felt everything, then it must have been real right? Not so much.

 

Upon reflection, I realized that my dating history having only been comprised of dating close friends or people who had been in my life for a substantial period held more of a clue as to what was going on. For me it was two things:

 

1. I am not attracted or turned on my a man or woman's physical presence. They can be stunning and amazing and all I see is an aesthetically appealing person. I have no desire to jump their bones, nor do I fantasize about them romantically. I need their mind, their spirit, and their true self to be seen and that is what gets me bothered. I need time to know someone before I can be attracted. So cold dates, online dating, etc - just don't work for me. No matter how hot the other person is or how good on paper they are for me, I just can't get that loving feeling without knowing them and to some degree, them knowing me. So for me, all of my loves have started as friends, then one day the switch flipped and I realized - hmmm, there is chemistry there! And by the way, the guy above did fit that pattern - we had worked together closely for years and the switch flipped - it wasn't fate, it is just how I am. Who knew?

 

2. Since I am fresh out of long time friends to date, I had to change my tactics. I have recently started just opening myself up to men who are potential dates. I have been incredibly vulnerable and honest about who I am. Their reaction is sometimes an opening of themselves as well. This is working for me right now with my current boyfriend. He was a good guy, good looking, and on paper an excellent choice, but I had zero zing for him in the beginning. I took the step to share with him in ways I have not shared in a very long time. In return, he did the same. This openness, while definitely a risk, enabled us to connect much more quickly that we would have otherwise...and boom - fireworks!

 

I don't know how guarded you are but if any of this resonates perhaps taking a look at how open you are, how willing you are to put yourself out there to be seen, and how intently you are trying to truly see the other person. Walls protect us by keeping stuff out, but unfortunately they also keep stuff in.

 

For what it's worth, you may also want to think about those fantasies of yours. I have been able to explore my sexuality in many ways in my lifetime and I can tell you that for me there is almost a separation in my brain. I have a definite alternative side, but I still prefer the interactions with someone I am falling for as my go to. When I am single - I focus on my alt side, when in a relationship, I am incredibly focused on that intense intimacy between too people. I am still working to integrate them, though I may never be able to do that (not that I would ever cheat, only one side of my sensuality is ever "active" at a time). I continue to think that integration of these disparate sides of my personality is my next opportunity for growth.

 

Whew...that was actually more honest than I intended it to be. I guess the openness with him is extending outward.

Edited January 17, 2015 by PhoenixRysing

[ThaWholigan]

As soon as it needs to be felt!

 

Sounds vague, but we all feel that zing at different points - and some of us out there don't have a "zing" as a marker of how strong an attraction is. Some are slow burners.

 

In your case, I think that it might be a good idea to continue doing what you're doing. It takes time to self-right at times.

[Leigh 87]

For me I prefer to only date the won't who I feel the zing for instantly.

 

I The men who I had to try and grow the zing for ...I had less passion and less explosive sex with them than I did the instant zing men.

 

Most couples don't feel a spark instantly. They grow to love each other slowly like a slow burning candle. That sort of love tends to last longer due to less passion and friction and press potential to lose that crazy, burning love; there's a heck of a lot more to lose when you lose out on a intense and passionate love affair when the zing is there from day one...

 

I enjoy holding out for the zing..the insatnt zing that is effortless and then I grow to know their character and the zing strengthens.

 

Any zing that you have to build won't lead to a highly passionate relationship; but you can still get some passion and those slow burning relationships without the instant zing tend to last longer.

 

I just had a instant zing relationship end due to me getting drunk due to nerves because of meeting his mates for the first time. We were highly crazed and passionate from day one. Instant zing and intense chemistry.

 

I have to say that this hurt more than my long term no zing relationships when they ended.

[todreaminblue]

i normally feel something before i date them.....because if i dont....i dont date......they are my friends not potential dates if i dont feel something more.......deb