Mom taking her issues out on me

[pink_sugar]

So, we're moving in a few weeks, but I need some advice on how to make my remaining weeks at my mom's more bearable. My grandmother has been in the hospital and though my grandmother agreed to continue getting the treatment she needs to get better, my mom has been stressing about it non-stop and taking it out on her husband (my stepdad) and me. For example, I cannot tell her anything without her suddenly going off on me. I never know how she is feeling one minute to the next. Last night, I have to overhear her making passive-aggressive comments like "F everyone in this household, the cat gets more attention than me, everyone is bunk and boring". And I did absolutely nothing. I pay rent here and have to be treated like such garbage it's ridiculous. I cannot even come home and relax after work. I am so sick of the constant "woe is me" passive aggressive comments. I know I should probably ignore her remarks, but I am not sure what else to do. Please help.

[EverLastluv]

I know that feelings. I stayed at a hotel on weekends with my daughter. Thats when I was off from work. Being that I lost my home from huricane sandy, I hand to stay with family. Its not an easy thing.I know back answering is sure not going to help. I would think until you moved out try to find places to go while mom's up. spend long hrs at library, friends, mall etc or rent a hotel like what I did I am so much happier right now within 3 months I was out in my own place right back on my feet. All the best.

Edited January 16, 2015 by EverLastluv

[writergal]

I agree. Find other things to do to occupy your time that keeps you away from your mom until you move out. It's the only way to save your sanity.

[Dontfindme]

Your mom is stressing, and thus taking it out on you. Is there anyway to alleviate her stressors? Perhaps that could be a better longterm solution?

[pink_sugar]

She has a very unhealthy, codependent relationship with my grandmother, so she isn't happy unless she has someone by her side all the time. And quite frankly, when I'm off work, I just want to be alone to relax and have some "me" time. It just doesn't sound like she's ever satisfied with anything I do.

[Satu]

Time to move out. Grown up children living together with parents rarely works out.

[Dontfindme]

She has a very unhealthy, codependent relationship with my grandmother, so she isn't happy unless she has someone by her side all the time. And quite frankly, when I'm off work, I just want to be alone to relax and have some "me" time. It just doesn't sound like she's ever satisfied with anything I do.

 

If it's not too much trouble, perhaps you could dedicate a specific day and time every week to just hanging out with her (over a cup of coffee, or whatever you guys prefer) and catching up.

 

This might give her something to look forward to, feel more loved, and appreciated, and also an outlet to talk about things that she needs to. If she is in a more positive state of mind, I think the happy vibes will translate over into how she treats you, and everyone else - even if on a minuscule level at first.

 

Something to consider.

[pink_sugar]

Time to move out. Grown up children living together with parents rarely works out.

 

We're moving next month. I wanted to move at the end of this month, but unfortunately it was difficult finding an apartment at this time of year that had the move-in date we wanted. (wanted to move at the end or beginning of the month so I'm not paying rent at 2 places)

[darkmoon]

you don't like or love your mother, ok, but she loves hers which you fail to see, tbh

[writergal]

you don't like or love your mother, ok, but she loves hers which you fail to see, tbh

 

The thing is darkmoon, not every daughter loves her mother, or mother loves her daughter. Life just isn't that cut and dry. Some mothers love their daughters and some daughters love their mothers. Sometimes the love between mother and daughter isn't mutual, or reciprocal.

 

pink_sugar, I know exactly what you're going through. Living with a parent when you're an adult is a real challenge because of the boundaries. It's sometimes necessary to move in temporarily with a parent, based on certain situations: divorce, job loss, medical recovery, (or recovery of any kind), going back to school, single parenting, disability, or a move home from another state / country. There's a lot of reasons adult children move back in with their parents. Sometimes it's temporary. Sometimes it's permanent.

 

But it's not easy. And it's normal for both you and your mom to feel infringed upon (if that happens). The best way to deal with your frustration pinks_sugar is to be direct. You're not blaming your mom, but you're just giving her information; tell her where you are coming from.

 

Or, you can create a daily schedule for yourself that consumes your hours to the point where it leaves you little time where you have to deal with your mother. After work, go for a walk, meetup with a friend, go grocery shopping. Whatever the activity is, fill up your schedule so that you are too busy to be available to be a target for your mother to use for her own emotional dysfunctional reasons as a codependent person. She has to learn to adjust to life without you around. She'll probably do what she can to make you feel guilty and the best way to deal with her guilt trips is to ignore them and not take them personally. Focus on your new home and other things.

[SpiralOut]

Your mother sounds just like mine when I still lived at home. I know how awful it is to be around that. It is possible that she's acting out because she knows you are leaving soon. She's probably angry about losing her punching bag.

 

 

You can't change your mother. Being nicer won't help, asking what you can do to help won't help. Most likely anything you do, she will criticize. I think you should just focus on getting things ready for your new place - feel excited about it and keep yourself busy with other things. Ignore her as much as possible.

[writergal]

I agree with SpiralOut. You have one more month to go. You can do it Four weeks of just keeping things to yourself (if you have the kind of mother who criticizes everything you say no matter what it is). Focus on the upcoming move and try to maintain some clear interpersonal boundaries with your mother, especially since she's codependent and treats you as her nearest "punching bag" as SpiralOut put it. In fact, use the next month to wean your mother off of you. Distract her with whatever you can think of; activities in the community for her age-group, tv shows she likes, or whatever. My aunt is like your mother; she needs to be surrounded by people and have a task or a purpose or her fangs come out on the nearest person to her.

[darkmoon]

The thing is darkmoon, not every daughter loves her mother, or mother loves her daughter. Life just isn't that cut and dry. Some mothers love their daughters and some daughters love their mothers. Sometimes the love between mother and daughter isn't mutual, or reciprocal.

 

pink_sugar, I know exactly what you're going through. Living with a parent when you're an adult is a real challenge because of the boundaries. It's sometimes necessary to move in temporarily with a parent, based on certain situations: divorce, job loss, medical recovery, (or recovery of any kind), going back to school, single parenting, disability, or a move home from another state / country. There's a lot of reasons adult children move back in with their parents. Sometimes it's temporary. Sometimes it's permanent.

 

But it's not easy. And it's normal for both you and your mom to feel infringed upon (if that happens). The best way to deal with your frustration pinks_sugar is to be direct. You're not blaming your mom, but you're just giving her information; tell her where you are coming from.

 

Or, you can create a daily schedule for yourself that consumes your hours to the point where it leaves you little time where you have to deal with your mother. After work, go for a walk, meetup with a friend, go grocery shopping. Whatever the activity is, fill up your schedule so that you are too busy to be available to be a target for your mother to use for her own emotional dysfunctional reasons as a codependent person. She has to learn to adjust to life without you around. She'll probably do what she can to make you feel guilty and the best way to deal with her guilt trips is to ignore them and not take them personally. Focus on your new home and other things.

 

co-dependent, yes, she is a total tosser

Edited January 17, 2015 by darkmoon

[CC12]

So, we're moving in a few weeks,

 

Congrats on moving out!

 

but I need some advice on how to make my remaining weeks at my mom's more bearable.

 

Just don't take anything too seriously. Easier said than done, but just try to find the humor in every situation. For example:

 

"F everyone in this household, the cat gets more attention than me, everyone is bunk and boring".

 

This quote is actually very hilarious, and I hope you can find the humor/sadness in it. I would actually like to try to find ways to use the phrase, "everyone is bunk and boring" in my everyday language, somehow.

[pink_sugar]

you don't like or love your mother, ok, but she loves hers which you fail to see, tbh

 

It's not really about loving or not loving. It's her behavior that was making me resentful and angry. We finally had a talk Friday where she admitted that she was struggling with the emotions of dealing with my grandmother and accepting me going back on my own since she got used to the company. I told her about how her actions were making me feel and affecting me and she broke down and apologized and said she would try to be better.