verhrzn Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 How does one come to grips with the idea that we don't fit our partner's ideal, and that our partner may indeed be "settling" for us? That isn't to say that our partner doesn't love us, or doesn't appreciate our good qualities.... It's more like if they got to design their ideal Wife/Husband, we'd only fit a few of their qualifications. Let's assume that our partner "settled" with the best of intentions; maybe they realized their expectations are unrealistic, or their standards are too high, or what they want isn't "in their league." They decided to pick a good person to settle for, instead of holding out for the perfect person. I often hear that settling isn't bad, that everyone settles in some areas romantically. But personally, I am having a hard time feeling comfortable with that, particularly in the physical department. I've always wished that I could be with a partner who saw me as the most beautiful woman he knows (not counting celebrities/porn actresses, real-life women.) I see guys who clearly believe their partners are goddesses on Earth, and I feel so jealous. I see wedding pictures of guys who first see their brides, and their faces just lit up. That is never going to be a realistic prospect for me. Any guy who ends up with me is going to "settle" in that department, and it really bothers me. So how do you accept this? How do you recognize a romantic standard as unrealistic? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) How do you know somebody is settling for you? It could very well be that due to your low self esteem you think this but it is not true. How will somebody not view you as his everything? You dictate much of what happens. Change your attitude and you will change your outcome. Edited January 17, 2015 by CALOVELY 19 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I've always wished that I could be with a partner who saw me as the most beautiful woman he knows (not counting celebrities/porn actresses, real-life women.) I see guys who clearly believe their partners are goddesses on Earth, and I feel so jealous. I see wedding pictures of guys who first see their brides, and their faces just lit up. That is never going to be a realistic prospect for me. Any guy who ends up with me is going to "settle" in that department, and it really bothers me. So how do you accept this? How do you recognize a romantic standard as unrealistic? Why don't you think that's a realistic prospect for you? I have friends who are not conventionally beautiful in any way (face or body) whose husbands (also not conventionally hot) adore them just the way you describe. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 How does one come to grips with the idea that we don't fit our partner's ideal, and that our partner may indeed be "settling" for us? That isn't to say that our partner doesn't love us, or doesn't appreciate our good qualities.... It's more like if they got to design their ideal Wife/Husband, we'd only fit a few of their qualifications. Let's assume that our partner "settled" with the best of intentions; maybe they realized their expectations are unrealistic, or their standards are too high, or what they want isn't "in their league." They decided to pick a good person to settle for, instead of holding out for the perfect person. I often hear that settling isn't bad, that everyone settles in some areas romantically. But personally, I am having a hard time feeling comfortable with that, particularly in the physical department. I've always wished that I could be with a partner who saw me as the most beautiful woman he knows (not counting celebrities/porn actresses, real-life women.) I see guys who clearly believe their partners are goddesses on Earth, and I feel so jealous. I see wedding pictures of guys who first see their brides, and their faces just lit up. That is never going to be a realistic prospect for me. Any guy who ends up with me is going to "settle" in that department, and it really bothers me. So how do you accept this? How do you recognize a romantic standard as unrealistic? Oh my, surely you don't believe this nonsense, do you? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, none others are true. If your man makes you feel inferior, or makes you feel settled for, find a new man whose eyes light up when you come through the door. I do understand that it's a bit different as you get older, You often find people who still carry a chip on their shoulder, They often have memories of a distant love that they crave, Or a love that broke their heart, and the breakup they had to brave. But even in those instances, you shouldn't be made to feel settled for, Even a man who could have options makes his woman feel adored. Don't project your own insecurities, and have faith in your light, As you are a beautiful individual, even if you don't believe that's right. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I think it's an unhealthy state of mind for a person to carry into a relationship. I believe that people fall in love with each other! and they're not just measuring potential mates up against some ideal, though I have to say that I have learned on this site that actually some people do that!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 IMO, most mature people don't have a laundry list of exactly how their perfect man/woman would look like, down to the last eyelash. From what I've observed, this is something that is largely done by immature boys (and to a lesser degree, immature girls as well). When you fall in love with someone, the way they look tends to automatically be irresistable and attractive to you. My SO certainly doesn't tick all the boxes on a silly fantasy list that I made at 16. But that doesn't diminish my feelings at all for him, and my eyes certainly light up when he comes in the door. I would not pass him up for any 'stereotypically handsome' celebrity in the world. Do you think that perhaps you are prioritizing 'looking stereotypically perfect' more than many mature men would? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 What if the "hotter" person than you was a high-maintenance basket case? Not all that glitters is gold... Besides, fact is, there will always be someone prettier, hotter, smarter, etc than you and/or your SO...the maturity steps in when you are realizing you are wasting your time playing "Grass Is Greener Syndrome/GIGS" for the rest of your life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I would never settle or be settled for. Life's too short. Lots of marriages like that. I would sooner be alone. I fell deeply in love with someone like he was my soul mate. I have had lots of offers from men.. The last suitor has lots of qualities and plenty of money. I hate being alone but would never choose to be with someone for fear of never finding my true passion. It's out there. It however may not be permanent. But hey quality over quantity. Don't go through life thinking" what if'' as above poster. Don't settle as it causes resentment and an unfulfilled life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Everyone settles on some level vertical. =/ Doesn't mean they don't have deep love and affection for the person. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Love happens despite size, shape, wealth, intellect and personality, you don't just "settle" for someone. No union is 100% perfect. My parents have been married for 50years in April, and there are things about them both that each other wish were different, for example my dad would love it if my mum gave up wine, and mum would love it if dad would spend time doing stuff around the house instead of the club. But they love each other so accept that this is they way they are. My fiance is pretty overweight and not the best looking guy around, and several people questioned me about what I was thinking when I started dating him as I'd split up with an exceptionally handsome man to be with him. I explained that my fiance treats me like his most precious treasure, he cares deeply about my feelings, my welfare and my happiness, he was not afraid to make a commitment to me and he's the most sensual lover I've ever had. I certainly don't feel like I've "settled" because he doesn't look like Vin Diesel, I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet because I have a man who truely cherishs me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I sympathize with the OP. I think it's very hard to find a man who is blind to other women. I always felt most of them were always looking to see if they could move up a level, and over the years watching other people, other couples, and men in general, any who got in a position of fame or money ditched their old women to move to more beautiful women. And it's always about the beauty, not about the quality of the woman. I was around so many guys for whom it was easy to think the sky was the limit, that most of them didn't even pretend to be worshipping one woman. It was just kind of understood they felt they hadn't reached the pinnacle yet to see what was on the other side. I think a lot of young people are like that, even if they are only advancing on ordinary careers. I think a lot of men feel they will be set in their career by a certain age and wait until then to try to get the best they can get and then choose one and hope for the best. In my lifetime, I can only think of one man who seemed to fully worship his wife and he was from a much earlier time -- and even he fell from grace, although his remorse caused him to make major life changes to amend for it. Men seem a bit more calculated about choosing a wife. Lots of them choose someone much more conservative than they are because they equate that with being a good mother. Then they don't have much of a rapport and are always cheating because sexually they like the other type women. I wouldn't want to be the one someone settled for. To me, it's as simple as the saying "Don't put in more than you're getting back." It's just not a sound formula for living. If you can't find a man who seems to have the depth of feeling you have, maybe you're better off without one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chumble Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 A dream person in the ‘looks department’ is probably someone who has been molded by experiences to be someone I can’t even relate to, just as a ‘dream home’ is not necessarily so comfortable. One can have a great sense of pride in owning an old small bungalow that may have squeaky floors and bad plumbing--especially if you painted it, or built the fence, or tilled the garden yourself. I think, as a guy, that I could have the same amount of love for a woman who is decidedly “very much in my league” as one who is quite a bit hotter/a fantasy. If we’ve built a relationship together, shared experiences, are a witness to eachothers lives, and have a good fit personality-wise and sexually, then I don’t care as much as you think about your cellulite or big nose or whatever. I don't know how else to address this point about settling, except to say that no one is really perfect. "Settling" is often just coming to reality. Like one day in 12th grade realizing you're never going to be an astronaut, a Kennedy, or a Beatle, but being absolutely stoked to be an electrician's apprentice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I have friends who are not conventionally beautiful in any way (face or body) whose husbands (also not conventionally hot) adore them just the way you describe. Its certainly not impossible to find what V wants, its just that it comes with a trade off. It is easier to find someone who thinks you're a great catch the more you drop your standards on physical beauty. Which is worse, settling or being settled for. There is not guarantee there of course straight off as some of those person may have a skewed perspective on their desirability or likewise don't want to be settled for or they may still have a few deal breakers on a partner in relation to comparability. I think its easier to be settled for, as long as you find happiness with the person you got (ticks the big criteria) PLUS they don't make it obvious with lack of enthusiasm otherwise its hollow (lack of enthusiasm is generally how people pick up they been settled for). You can deal with your gf/bf being mostly just a companion when you are old but **** that when you are younger and want to be inspired in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Its certainly not impossible to find what V wants, its just that it comes with a trade off. It is easier to find someone who thinks you're a great catch the more you drop your standards on physical beauty. This isn't necessarily true - IME some of the most superficial guys with the most physical requirements for women, are also the most out of shape and physically unattractive ones. I wouldn't say the inverse is necessarily true either, just that it seems to have no correlation. But anyway the point is moot, as I doubt the OP prioritizes appearance in men all that much. And some of you still seem to be missing the more pertinent point that 'settling' isn't all about looks... not even mostly. Settling is when you are with someone you feel lukewarm about. For many of us, that does not hinge on looks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Its certainly not impossible to find what V wants, its just that it comes with a trade off. It is easier to find someone who thinks you're a great catch the more you drop your standards on physical beauty. Which is worse, settling or being settled for. . As far as I can tell, the women I refer to are absolutely smitten with their non-hot men. No settling required. True, the couples are not physically beautiful. But their love superior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Also, as an interesting counterpoint, when I was in college I was pursued by a guy who would probably be considered more stereotypically handsome than my ex (who was also pursuing me at the same time and whom I chose over him). But I was not attracted to him, for a myriad of reasons, largely related to personality and intellect. Had I chosen him over my ex, I would genuinely HAVE been settling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I don't think you should assume that because someone is with you they have settled for you. Attraction is a very individual thing and once there is bonding too, then to that person you are beautiful and special. If you feel unattractive, then you will be giving out a vibe to that effect. It won't put guys off but it will confuse them and they may not react as you would expect. If you really feel your husband doesn't think you are attractive, then it sounds more like the relationship is not quite right. Each partner should be playing their part is ensuring the other feels desired and loved. Does your partner know how you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) As far as I can tell, the women I refer to are absolutely smitten with their non-hot men. No settling required. True, the couples are not physically beautiful. But their love superior. I didn't want to infer your friends are settling. I do find many people's preferences do change over time - looks & social connections in 20s then money & caring nature in 30s+ for instance. I do think most less attractive people learn early in life to come to terms to with their prospects and broaden what they find desirable attraction wise and or put more emphasis on other characteristics or will sacrifice their standards on other characteristics (like date a single mother or date a less ambitious guy). I'm generalizing here of course. People look at this topic through their own mindset of course which will differ to many others. Lots & lots of young women have sex appeal just from T&A let alone facial beauty when they are younger and lots of guys will have no trouble finding another girl to take their fancy when the one the one they had their eye on knocks him back. Its gets harder as you get older. Its easy to get to appreciate someone that you may not have envisaged yourself dating a few years back, but making that person feel like you got the most desirable person in the world to you is a bit harder for some. This isn't necessarily true - IME some of the most superficial guys with the most physical requirements for women, are also the most out of shape and physically unattractive ones. I wouldn't say the inverse is necessarily true either, just that it seems to have no correlation.I would not say they are the 'most superficial ' necessarily when it comes to the less attractive guys I've know over the years. What I will say though is that quite a few have unrealistic expectations as to the women they could get but these tend to more the older out of shape guys who want what they got in their 20s. The younger out of shape guys tend to live in hope more than expectation. Its really across the board, it just that the more desirable you are the more you can down play being superficial and be fussier on many things. Edited January 18, 2015 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 If I had to pick between the two, I would much rather settle than be settled for. That's precisely why I don't go for very attractive men. As for being around couples, I was amazed to recently be around one where they have been married for 16 years and I could feel such deep love and caring. Others couples, at least one has settled and it's not my imagination either. People feel this need to open up about their personal problems with me so I hear things like: "None of my better options panned out and he was just there, time was right to get married." or one from a guy: "I kept being rejected from women I really wanted when I met my wife, she is the only one that didn't reject me. My spirit was so broken that I felt she was my only shot at having someone so I married her." The only marriage I would rather have than be single is the first one I described. The others? No thanks, single for ever 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 If you ever fall in love with someone who doesn't fit your secret ideal fantasy image in your mind, then you will know from your experience in that regard that the person can be extremely attracted to you even if you don't fit their secret ideal fantasy image, when you are still extremely attracted to them none the less. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I knew my ex didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved. Despite his protestations and declarations of love it was funny after 25years together he was living with someone else 2 years after he left.. I was right. Op it is YOU who is settling Link to post Share on other sites
WonderKid Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I would be devastated if someone felt that they were settling by being with me. I'd want them to leave and be out of my date life. I don't need pity. And don't want my time wasted. If you feel I am holding you back or something then you need to leave or I will find out and end it myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I remember my brothers friend getting a rescue dog when she first got her own flat. Now she over fed it and this dog was fat, rolly fat, I told her as much - but she wouldn't have it! She couldn't see it! Just that her dog was beautiful! I was about 13 and I knew then love really could be blind! Haha! Seriously though! Folk can settle for you for a first date and you can still be the love of their life - loves funny like that! If they're still settling for you years later though - then you should be walking! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Seriously though! Folk can settle for you for a first date and you can still be the love of their life - loves funny like that! Yes, it is! And on the flip side, someone who gets their "ideal" may be settling later when it turns out that in that, once the blush of new lust wears off, this person really isn't a good partner for them at all. I don't think anyone needs to fear being settled for. It should be quite obvious if the attraction and desire to be together is strong and mutual. Choosing to be with someone when it isn't mutual is just that: a choice. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
DukeNukem47 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I sympathize with the OP. I think it's very hard to find a man who is blind to other women. I always felt most of them were always looking to see if they could move up a level, and over the years watching other people, other couples, and men in general, any who got in a position of fame or money ditched their old women to move to more beautiful women. And it's always about the beauty, not about the quality of the woman. I was around so many guys for whom it was easy to think the sky was the limit, that most of them didn't even pretend to be worshipping one woman. It was just kind of understood they felt they hadn't reached the pinnacle yet to see what was on the other side. I think a lot of young people are like that, even if they are only advancing on ordinary careers. I think a lot of men feel they will be set in their career by a certain age and wait until then to try to get the best they can get and then choose one and hope for the best. In my lifetime, I can only think of one man who seemed to fully worship his wife and he was from a much earlier time -- and even he fell from grace, although his remorse caused him to make major life changes to amend for it. Men seem a bit more calculated about choosing a wife. Lots of them choose someone much more conservative than they are because they equate that with being a good mother. Then they don't have much of a rapport and are always cheating because sexually they like the other type women. I wouldn't want to be the one someone settled for. To me, it's as simple as the saying "Don't put in more than you're getting back." It's just not a sound formula for living. If you can't find a man who seems to have the depth of feeling you have, maybe you're better off without one. "Worship their wife"? You sound like my female friends. Sorry, but my existence does not surround the concept of worshipping a woman. I would never do that. If I have to be single for the rest of my life, then so be it. But I will never worship anyone like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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